Old World - New World
- Thread starter Lordpendragon
- Start date
I personally take serious issue with this comparison.
Cheryl's butt... another point for the new worlders.
PussyWellington
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John Cleese's message to the USA:
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories
(except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will
be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced
'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find
you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas
such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn
that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county
is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American
States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5.There is no such thing as "US English." We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will
be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only
in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should
only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get
used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will
be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can
be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football."
There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer".
Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby
(which has some similarities to American "football", but does
not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game
which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories
(except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will
be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced
'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find
you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas
such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn
that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county
is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American
States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5.There is no such thing as "US English." We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will
be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only
in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should
only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get
used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will
be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can
be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football."
There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer".
Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby
(which has some similarities to American "football", but does
not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game
which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
I have just had a word with Liz for you Dirty and she confirms that you can have any of the new Shires as your personal playground, also you are entitled to a rolling monthly supply of ten studs per month of your choosing from her Commonwealth. Princess Anne and Zara recommend me for the first month, just to get you used to what may follow.
I agree with Mr. Cleese. Bud (and also Coronita) is like [sorry!] drinking water. You know?:biggrin1: . You should taste Voll-Damm, double malt. 
And, of course, you should enjoy `real´ football and rugby.
Anyway :smile: .
And, of course, you should enjoy `real´ football and rugby.
Anyway :smile: .
kalipygian
Expert Member
Dirtyhyde, Blair is too compromised by his collaboration with Bush to have his competency respected, I wonder if Lord Pendragon would take it on?
Would the Cavendishes, and James VI and I, then also be mistaken in granting and holding the title of Dukes of Devonshire?
Would the Cavendishes, and James VI and I, then also be mistaken in granting and holding the title of Dukes of Devonshire?
madame_zora
Sexy Member
Dirtyde, thanks for posting that, I find every word on it to be reasonable and just.:biggrin1:
Americans have become a lot of giant flapping twats. It's embarassing, we were cool for a minute. How hard the mighty fall.
Americans have become a lot of giant flapping twats. It's embarassing, we were cool for a minute. How hard the mighty fall.
kalipygian
Expert Member
Knockernail:
Suyak bano gaiskiago erra diro gizona; Itchasoak ez iraungi eratcheki dadina.
Suyak bano gaiskiago erra diro gizona; Itchasoak ez iraungi eratcheki dadina.
Speaking as a linguist, most of that Cleese piece, while modestly funny, was also pretty ignorant. I'll give Mr. Cleese the benefit of the doubt and assume that this was intentional and for comic effect, and pity everyone else that takes it seriously.
Actually, Mr C you have that one completely backwards. The rest....:biggrin1: :biggrin1: !
On the Micro$oft theme I do find it amusing (in a vaguely masochistic, perverse way) that when setting up a PC for the UK for example, one tells it to use UK English with a UK English keyboard and it still goes straight on to assume one is on the West Coast of the US.
Ez dut ulertu, Kalipygian. Hori, Frantziako hegoalder euskeraz da. :smile:
Is it a saying? I don´t know some words, like suyak, erra or dadina. There are many dialects in euskera, one for every zone. (Anyway i don´t speak euskera. I started studying ten years ago,but left it, and it´s a hard language without studying. I know words and i can stand a basic conversation, but i speak it less than english. And i feel ashamed about it, but i have no time to study it.:redface: )
Euskal Herria is the "virtual" nation of basques. It comprehends seven provinces grouped in three regions:
Bizkaia, Álava/Araba and Gipuzkoa (Euzkadi); Navarra (itself); Lapurdi, Zuberoa and Benafarroa (Iparralde). Euzkadi and Navarra are in the spanish side, called Hegoalde (south side); and Iparralde (north side) is the part in the France´s south. Euskal Herría is in some way the current old Kingdom of Navarra, the land of basques.
As i said, there are many dialects in euskera. If you use the dialect spoken in a valley, maybe you won´t understand the one spoken 20kms away. So, around 100 years ago was created the batua (united). Currently, at specific schools (ikastolas) or language academies (euskaltegis), batua is the language that is teached. The batua´s rules don´t works in Iparralde (France).
For example: batua doesn´t use letters like c or y. It just uses k and i. At Iparralde, euskera is modified by frech language. So they say itchaso (sea) when batua says itsaso or itxaso. Batua uses ts, tx, tz or tt instead phoneme ch. The t before ch is a french influence.
It´s a great language. But unfortunately, here we´ve got a conflict since our Civil War. There are two ideologist tendencies: those who want the independence for Euskal Herria and those who are positioned against it. (With the majority standing in the middle, tired of stupidities) When i was younger my mother told me about euskera at the village she grew up in. While Franco´s dictatorship, euskera was forbbiden at the most places. Once a man told something in euskera and i woman reported him. He spent some times at the jail. It is really sad, more when the last person who talked Roncal´s euskera died around 15 years ago. Now it is a dead dialect. Euskera has been always used as a political weapon by both tendencies. In fact, nowadays many people at whole Spain hates euskera because they connect it with terrorist gang ETA.
Really sad when a language separates instead uniting. Languages are supposedly created to bring people closer.
Well, i don´t know if you´ll understand the things i´ve typed. I hope you do. Or maybe you already knew it, sorry if it is.
Anyway i love you Kalipygian :biggrin1: , for give me the chance to talking about a subject which appasionates me: my land.
PD: I hope you´ll translate me the sentences.
Greetings.
Agreed on the first point. On the second, if you think you've got problems in Spain knocernail you should read some about the invented differences between Serbian/Croatian/Bosnian and the evils that has been used to wreak. In this case, and in others, language has been created for the express purpose of driving people apart. Inventing or underlining superficial differences and then imagining that one language or one form of the language is somehow superior to the others. Chris Hedges makes this point in The Myth of War.
kalipygian
Expert Member
'(Love) more cruelly than fire can burn the man; the sea cannot extinguish what takes fire', by Bernard Dechepare, from 1545, so a bit older than Shakespeare's English. I don't know any Basque at all, I have never heard it spoken. From my source: suyak:'the fire' (active), erra diro: 'it can burn him', eratcheki dadina:'he (she or what) takes fire'. The oldest language in europe, not known (also spoken by the Aquitani when the Romans arrived) to be related to any other, I wonder if it comes from what the builders of stonehenge and the other mysterious megaliths spoke.
ETA's methods might have been the only option against Franco's dictatorship, but with Spain having a stable and more prosperous democracy under Juan Carlos de Borbon-Battenburg y Borbon-duoi Sicilie , it would seem that they would just alienate people, and be counterproductive.
ETA's methods might have been the only option against Franco's dictatorship, but with Spain having a stable and more prosperous democracy under Juan Carlos de Borbon-Battenburg y Borbon-duoi Sicilie , it would seem that they would just alienate people, and be counterproductive.
