Older Woman With A Younger Man Double Standard

[Peacemusic]

My favorite type of relationship I love to see is when I see an older woman woith a younger man! I see it as a giant middle finger to the patriarchy. I get so annoyed with society's reactions to this type of relationship because no one bats an eye when the roles are reversed especially in the entertainment industry where its the norm for old men to date extremely younger women or 18 or 19 teenagers (ew). Anyways EVERYONE has an opinion when its an older woman with a younger man. I understand the feelings because its a society message that's indoctrinated into our minds growing up and society glasses thinking. But I disagree with it I get excited and I go the "You go Girl! Get that Sweet Ass!". I would like to start a discussion on this subject where ALL! Women can talk about there diverse and subjective experiences, views, stances, examinations and deconstructions of this double standard. Also feelings on the label "cougar" and how its used in a sexist and misogynistic sense.

 

[LaFemme]

I see nothing wrong with the older woman/younger man dynamic. As long as the relationship works, it’s fine with me. Love is hard enough to find, without adding age restrictions to it.

Personally, I’m attracted to men in their late thirties or forties. That’s a younger man to me! Lol! But it seems I have more in common with those men than men my own age. If I found someone 20 years younger than I, I wouldn’t hesitate. Again, love is hard to find.

And please don’t call me a cougar. I’m no predator.

 

[Peacemusic]

I see nothing wrong with the older woman/younger man dynamic. As long as the relationship works, it’s fine with me. Love is hard enough to find, without adding age restrictions to it.

Personally, I’m attracted to men in their late thirties or forties. That’s a younger man to me! Lol! But it seems I have more in common with those men than men my own age. If I found someone 20 years younger than I, I wouldn’t hesitate. Again, love is hard to find.

And please don’t call me a cougar. I’m no predator.

EXACTLY!!!! It doesn't matter so long as the relationship is healthy and works! and I like how you said that men in their late thirties or forties are younger men the term "younger" because the term is different for everyone and means different things and meanings to people. I just like the dynamic with how things work out where you happen to have more in common with older people than with people your own age or vice versa where you have more in common with people younger than with people your own age or any combination, That just makes it the many interesting things about life

 

[MickeyLee]

If my sexuality must be seen as predatory I would like to be a Xenomorph, please.

I am actually more okay with Older Woman/Younger Man relationship that the alternative.

 

[Peacemusic]

If my sexuality must be seen as predatory I would like to be a Xenomorph, please.

I am actually more okay with Older Woman/Younger Man relationship that the alternative.

Same Here

 

[Holly Doors]

I think it's great, my husband and myself personally know two couples very well in that dynamic and have met similar others.
The two couples we know well, one couple she's 64 and her guy is 42, the other couple she's 70 something while her guy is 50. Both couples are great and have been going steady for a long time, their love is deep, they're extremely happy and stick a middle finger up to all the nay sayers

 

[fireman1294]

I think it’s fine and perfectly healthy. When I lived in 29 Palms and was 26 years old I was dating a 51 year old woman. She was beautiful and it worked well.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I applaud older woman younger man relationships...actually in wake of the chaos of the dating scene and gender dynamics in general, I think it would be valuable for older women and younger men as they both respectively seem to be on the outskirts of desirability amongst their peers.
But I also have to be quite honest, patriarchy aside, I think mainstream adoption of this dynamic is going to be a much easier sell to men than women.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

We're all disappointed that my coworker is not a member, and can't chime in on this particular topic.

Trust me. You wish you could hear that commentary.

 

[MCA]

I'm currently with a woman almost a decade older than me. She's been called my mom twice by random passersbys, which I think is hilarious. She's not so big on the joke. I do look pretty young, though, and she looks about her age.

 

[tnman]

My last wife was 79 and I was 42 when we married and it was the best 13 years of my life

 

[Scarletbegonia]

We're all disappointed that my coworker is not a member, and can't chime in on this particular topic.

Trust me. You wish you could hear that commentary.

can you give us a Cliff’s notes with good quotes?

 

[Scarletbegonia]

If my sexuality must be seen as predatory I would like to be a Xenomorph, please.

I am actually more okay with Older Woman/Younger Man relationship that the alternative.

I agree with point 1
I feel called out by point 2



I am, as many here know, about 16 years younger than my Love. By looks, it can appear to be more. Depends on the day, for both of us.
I’ve been taken for his daughter (which offended me greatly), one person actually asked if he was rich. I cracked up. Only in experience. I’ve got more investments, savings, better credit, etc. but he has exquisite taste and an ex who shows love by gifts. (And now, it’s hell finding him gifts, because I have to walk a different road) He holds onto things and takes care of them.

We get the looks (so,no it isn’t only older women/younger men who get comments and side eye).
It bothers me, but he stopped letting it bother him.

I do get approached by men in the 35-55 range. (I’m 52)
The younger ones are focused on age. Almost fetishization. Yuck.
My age? The men are fresh out of a divorce and not “doing the work” that will settle them and bring contentment. Or worse, still married, still living with them and looking to sneak around.
One date, about five years ago, asked what kind of mother I was. Not did I have kids, but assumed and was looking for someone to raise his half custody monster daughter. So he didn’t have to. (Let the girl live with mom, you egomaniac. Your ex is a great woman. I know her!)

 

[Motion-of-the-Ocean]

Being married to a woman ten years my senior, this is a subject near and dear to me and I believe the proof is irrefutable that there is a double standard in how society and it's people view such relationships compared to the opposite.

I've had to deal with the stigma since the beginning, mostly in the form of family member's initial disapproval. I was told how much of a mistake I was making in marrying her, how the "novelty" would wear off and I would eventually leave her for someone my age or younger to even the subtle suggestion she was somehow a sexual deviant despite me being a legal adult. In fact one of my greatest satisfactions has been in proving all the naysayers wrong by the reality we will be together going on 35 years and there is literally nothing short of death that will cause our union to end.

Then there has been the reaction of non-family who while they may not have been so obvious in their disapproval or confusion, it has still been there at times right below the surface. One of these I've observed is human beings naturally like to put things in tidy mental boxes, which includes speculating and formatting the relationship between those they do not know, particularly a couple and that some simply didn't know what to make of our dynamic. While younger women in the company of older men seem to be the norm and not many bat an eyelash, I'd found the other way around stands out. One of the biggest things that used to piss me off was the assumption by strangers or workers of places we would patronize that assumed she was my mother despite my actual parents being far older than her. Correcting them always resulted in an embarrassed apology. While this is an issue that has lessened dramatically over the years as I started to look older and she has maintained the fortune of looking younger for her age; but it has never gone completely away.

Though perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions about our unconventional relationship that I've found is due to the fact society has been conditioned to view that men are supposed to have a natural desire for younger women, usually due to so called advantages of making them feel younger, successful and still virile or so they can continue to produce offspring. By the same vein, women seem expected to lean towards older men for the financial and relationship/family security they supposedly have to offer. I think these stereotypes are the biggest reason why some people just can't understand the opposite as it offers no clear advantage beyond the sexual, which is unfortunately the first thing they assume.

Since meeting her, my preference for older women has never been clearer, although whether this was because of her or I was always subconsciously attracted to them has always been a personal point of debate. Most of the partners I had when we were swinging have also been older than me with the oldest by 16 years. But it has never been purely sexual as I've always felt more mental and intellectually satisfied with someone older than myself likely because unlike someone way younger, we still have a shared history of life and cultural events.

In a small way I like to think we are helping to challenge that double standard and it's good to see others here have experience with that as well. Maybe that's how it begins, one couple at a time.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

@Motion-of-the-Ocean mentioned shared cultural history.
It gets interesting when the cultural touchstones slip.
A few are seriously time linked. Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Where were you during the Summer of Love?
My first clear memory of a news event was Nixon’s resignation/ the Watergate hearings.
His? He says probably Kennedy, as in he doesn’t have to think when it was. He knows.

I grew up knowing of older brothers and fathers of friends who served, died or were captured during the Vietnam War. Some we assume are dead, but will never know.
He had friends die. Schoolmates, people from his church. Classmates from college. He was profoundly lucky when the lottery came up for him. Missed it by two. (He started school in segregated Texas, I got the benefit of one towns alternative to high volume bussing, magnet schools. Take the bright and awkward and plop them into historically black high schools, while keeping the weirdos in an isolated pod, until PE.)

He is the peace and love generation. I was born into it.
For both of us, it’s a moral touchstone.

On simpler things, when I was trying to eat my weight in MDMA, he was still getting through the day on Peruvian marching powder, but those days were ending. My psychedelic journey was beginning. Ah, the days of not yet illegal!
We have a large reservoir of music we both know, and enjoy. Maybe being the artist liaison at two shows he played is part of that. When I was discovering Chick Corea, he was on crew. When I was discovering John Denver, he was producing shows at his college. We have worked with the same folks at different times. It’s odd, and fun.

Where we have a big slip is where I chose to not consume the popular culture. He is culturally literate in radio shows (think drive time DJs), television and movies in a way I will never be.
Luckily, he delights in sharing these not as history, but cool stuff.
(I have tried to catch up on things he’s said as comparisons, but there’s no way I’d ever match. Plus I like documentary/ art house more than what’s at the 12 screen. Streaming catches you up superficially, as will Movies in 30 Seconds by Bunnies. (Not a joke, look them up)

I tend to hold the view that we as humans both shape and are shaped by culture. It’s good he and I share enough to have deep conversations on several topics. We do go into the whys & wherefores, which transcends history we experienced.

Yet for all that, seeing silver hair holding red hair (and I have some silver, it’s just a stripe and sort of hidden) gets looks, judgements, and the occasional “rock on, man.”


Did I mention it is dome of the most fulfilling sex I’ve ever had?


Oh, I mentioned that I was more stable financially. This is true on paper, but his life has placed him where he invested in a house. He uses it for income, to a degree.

 

[Motion-of-the-Ocean]

@Motion-of-the-Ocean mentioned shared cultural history.
It gets interesting when the cultural touchstones slip.
A few are seriously time linked. Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Where were you during the Summer of Love?
My first clear memory of a news event was Nixon’s resignation/ the Watergate hearings.
His? He says probably Kennedy, as in he doesn’t have to think when it was. He knows.

I grew up knowing of older brothers and fathers of friends who served, died or were captured during the Vietnam War. Some we assume are dead, but will never know.
He had friends die. Schoolmates, people from his church. Classmates from college. He was profoundly lucky when the lottery came up for him. Missed it by two. (He started school in segregated Texas, I got the benefit of one towns alternative to high volume bussing, magnet schools. Take the bright and awkward and plop them into historically black high schools, while keeping the weirdos in an isolated pod, until PE.)

He is the peace and love generation. I was born into it.
For both of us, it’s a moral touchstone.

On simpler things, when I was trying to eat my weight in MDMA, he was still getting through the day on Peruvian marching powder, but those days were ending. My psychedelic journey was beginning. Ah, the days of not yet illegal!
We have a large reservoir of music we both know, and enjoy. Maybe being the artist liaison at two shows he played is part of that. When I was discovering Chick Corea, he was on crew. When I was discovering John Denver, he was producing shows at his college. We have worked with the same folks at different times. It’s odd, and fun.

Where we have a big slip is where I chose to not consume the popular culture. He is culturally literate in radio shows (think drive time DJs), television and movies in a way I will never be.
Luckily, he delights in sharing these not as history, but cool stuff.
(I have tried to catch up on things he’s said as comparisons, but there’s no way I’d ever match. Plus I like documentary/ art house more than what’s at the 12 screen. Streaming catches you up superficially, as will Movies in 30 Seconds by Bunnies. (Not a joke, look them up)

I tend to hold the view that we as humans both shape and are shaped by culture. It’s good he and I share enough to have deep conversations on several topics. We do go into the whys & wherefores, which transcends history we experienced.

Yet for all that, seeing silver hair holding red hair (and I have some silver, it’s just a stripe and sort of hidden) gets looks, judgements, and the occasional “rock on, man.”


Did I mention it is dome of the most fulfilling sex I’ve ever had?


Oh, I mentioned that I was more stable financially. This is true on paper, but his life has placed him where he invested in a house. He uses it for income, to a degree.

Having at least some shared history of events is the reason why I think age disparate relationships can still work and why it's important to me.

It's true not everything my wife and I have found ground first-hand on. You mentioned JFK; an event that while part of the conscience of my wife's youth, was of course something that was way in the historically rear-view mirror before I was old enough to learn about it. Juxtapose that event with Challenger, that while being more a part of my generation's zeitgeist, is still a shared experience we have even if we experienced it separately and at different points in our lives (me in high school; her already an adult coming off her only other serious, long-term relationship). The only differences is in the significance we each assigned to it due to those separate life stages (as well as my stronger interest in space).

There is also the fact of other cultural interests and likes such as music. While I may never understand the appeal of certain songs she enjoys such as the Beatles or Elvis; we both have an appreciation of later music from the 70's and 80's since it is part of our shared collective conscience.

This is one of the reasons someone way younger than me has never appealed to me as much, since I value women beyond the obvious sexual considerations. While we may still have some historical connections (like say 9/11), but with other cultural interests I think I'd have a hard time relating. I would find it difficult finding common ground with someone in their 20's or 30's who grew up with ever-present, top-priority technology like smartphones, texting and social media that has become more important than face-to-face interaction and where they might find more interest in their rectangular overlord than me. To say nothing of music, which to me pretty much died after maybe the mid 90's and dominant genres like rap make my ears bleed.

So maybe this makes me sound like an old curmudgeon railing against youth , but it's still important enough a factor to me that I find my May/December situation idea.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

@Motion-of-the-Ocean

I have friends who were in grade/ middle school when 9/11 happened. So was Spawn. I was working for a small rural paper, but we had two airports in our coverage area.
more telling for me is how someone responded to the immensity, the loss, and the culture created just after it.
If you remember CS&N playing Ohio more fondly than months of Lee Greenwood, you are probably My People.
If you struggled more with understanding the scope of violence than extracting vengeance, again, My People, My Tribe.

I understood why Ward Churchill wrote “Some People Push Back.”
Maybe he should have cooled his jets, and he’d still have his professorship, because the whole plagiarism thing would have stayed under the rug.
Ward is an abrasive but passionate man. Sexist, yes. Demeaning to those he sees as under him, absolutely. A prick about not smoking in a building that isn’t his own? Check.
Granted we were burning a wee bit of sage, but the next day was Sunday fellowship and the Angry Allergenic Amazons were sure to notice tobacco. Sage, burned a leaf at a time with an open door, occasionally missed their notice.

anyhoo, I obviously know I’m in this gap relationship, although at our ages it seems smaller, but it rarely feels like one until an outside opinion pipes up.
I only recently confessed my age to his beloved sister.
She called and said, “I can’t remember 52!”
However, she’s aware I adore her brother and he seems to be fond of me, so if she has problems, she’s not voiced them to me. Only that he’s been burned before. (And I got that it was a silent, “so don't.”

My family doesn’t care. My little nieces (I have two sets) call him my old man.

 

[Sagittarius84]

The thing about double standards is they arent always formed out of some aether. For example the double standard against men in family court stems from the reality of what men often choose to do when it comes to child custody. I dont alleviate society of the unfair messages they often push against older woman/younger man relationships, but I do think they're simply reflecting and amplifying a precedent girls and women set for themselves during more formative yrs. Past age 25-30 i can see where large age differences are really negligible as far as maturity, communication and socioeconomic status. But before, what it seems is the paternal tenets of an older man in an old/young pairing are much easier and readily reconciled within a healthy sexual relationship, than the maternal tenets of an older woman in the same situation. Even within same age relationships, when women report losing attraction to their partners, it often stems from them feeling more like a mother than a wife, gf, etc.
And maybe that's for the best on some level? Ive always personally been creeped out by the incestuous overtones of older male May/December romances; how easily the archetype of "Daddy" is overtly or subliminally embraced, as it parallels expectations of protecting, providing, and leading desired by lots of women. Perhaps society is just reacting or echoing the predilection of women and girls who do not find those relationships to their liking.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

There’s one thing I’ve been wondering about...
An old saying goes you are only as old as the person you fuck.
It is, of course older guys talking about (much) younger women.
Does this get suspended when the woman is older?

and my Love is getting a great deal.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

WTF does child custody have to do with the topic?