On my way out

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Nitrofiend, Aug 14, 2006.

  1. Nitrofiend

    Nitrofiend New Member

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    I have recently come to realize a certain truth which I have kept to myself for many years. I have often locked away and punished myself for my own thoughts towards my peers. I have been molded and pressured into the %100 heterosexual lifestyle, or as I like to call it, straightjacket. The fact is is that I am very much a compromising man, and more than a little open-minded. I have struggled with confusion about who I am for my entire life -- and it has been antagonized by all my peers and my own father for just as long. If only he knew. I come to you all for help in this difficult period. I accept affection and arousal from both genders. I am seemingly attracted to both men and women.

    I'm bisexual.

    In fact I am at least bisexual. I may be more gay than straight, or more straight than gay. It varies. But I can no longer deny the impulses and the sexual tension I have felt towards some of my more attractive male peers. And it felt like a 60-ton weight had been lifted off of my chest when I admitted it to my loving bisexual girlfriend, who comforted me and accepted me. I also broke the news to a close female friend, who also supported me.

    Now I'm beginning to acknowledge who I am -- who I really am. And I'm terrified to play the field. The concept is still scary to me. I want to experiment.
    I want to indulge in my finally uncovered feelings. And I want people to know...but I know they'll never view me the same way again.

    Help me.

    How long do I keep it secret from my mother, my stepfather (god help me), my father, and my brother to name a few. I'm scared...confused...and unsure.

    But finally happy.
     
  2. findfirefox

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    Well I waited until I was out of the house and made it on my own. I made this choice in case my family rejected me, but I did know it was hard to keep it hidden I really wanted to say something, I wanted them to know who I was so I would say to "come out" as soon as possible. (I was 18 when I came out)

    You make the point that they "will never view me the same way again." and that statement is true, they won't view you the same, but hopefully over time they will come to accept you and be able to build a better relationship then you had before.

    I'm glad you have come to understand yourself and I hope everything goes well for you, know that some parents may blame themselves and ask questions like "Why?", you should be prepared to talk to them and answer questions like that, make sure not to use phrases like "I don't know" because that could confuse family members further, you need to be definite in your answers.

    I would also like to add be scared or confused is very normal at a time like this, I'm sure that everything will work out for you.
     
  3. hypolimnas

    hypolimnas Well-Known Member

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    I admitted it to my loving bisexual girlfriend, who comforted me and accepted me. I also broke the news to a close female friend, who also supported me.

    This is a good start. It is your life, you only need to share yourself to the people you care about, in your own time.

    All children have the right to be responsively and consistently nurtured by their families. It seems to me that families who don't support their children's sexuality pretty much don't support them in any other way.

    If you know your family won't support you in your quest to become who you truly are, then I would tell them later, if ever. You don't owe them any explanation.

    You will find a wider range of peers and there is every chance that you will make new friends and develop your own new "tribe". In the end you only have to live with yourself, when you can do that, other people will be attracted to you.

    Final comments:
    1. The older people I know often say that they wish they didn't worry so much when they were younger. Don't let worry eat up your life, work on freeing yourself to become who you truly are, throughout your life journey.
    2. Don't over emphasise the sexual dimension of your life. The current repression you feel can make this all grow out of proportion/balance. You will still need good friends, you will need education to help you reach your potential, take care of your health and fitness, you will need work that is in someway an expression of your spirit, that is who you truly are.
    3. Work on yourself, and your own feelings, as well as the supportive friendships you have right now.
    4. Don't get bogged down in expecting family acceptance that may never come. My parents were bisexual, I never really wanted to know much about what they did sexually, and never felt they were that interested in this part of my life. They were of course concerned that I was happy which is what all
    children have the right to expect.
    5. Be a compassionate friend to yourself, don't forget that life is to be enjoyed, and the world is, after all, your playground. Good luck with finding new playmates
     
  4. DC_DEEP

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    Very good post, hypo. Nitro, only you can make those decisions (should I tell? whom should I tell? when should I tell?)

    You will eventually get to a point where you figure out that you have to live your life for yourself, not for other people. When I came out, I had made up my mind that any family members or friends who rejected me did not deserve to have me in their lives, and I was prepared to tell any of them "I am no different today than I was yesterday, or a year ago or ten years ago. Too bad you are too dense to see that. Have a nice life." I was fortunate, though, because everyone was very supportive and I didn't have to say that at all (and I came from a family of devout Baptist origin.)

    But the bottom line is, it will have to be your choice. Good luck.
     
  5. fortiesfun

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    Congratulations on coming out. There are a large number of bisexual men on this board, and lots of experience to draw on here. (Just notice how many list their gay/straight ratio in the 30-70% range, 40-60% range or 50-50% range.) It is a very complicated question about how and when to tell others, largely because many people have trouble with the whole concept of bisexuality. They think in mutually exclusive terms, you must be straight or gay. Hard to image that you might be both. Still, many of us are.

    There are excellent threads here already on coming out. Many of them seem to be about being gay, but if you read them carefully you'll note that there are married men or men in long-term hetero relationships who are in the process of revealing their gay side. (Our esteemed moderator Lex is one notable example, but there are many others.) These might give you an idea of how others have handled it.

    My advice, from someone who has been there, is to take some time to explore first. Once you are a bit clearer about who you are, it will be easier to share the news with family members. It gets pretty messy when the questions start and you don't yet know enough to know the answers. The closet is not a great place for the long term, but until you are actively bisexual there is really nothing to tell them. Right now it is just your fantasy life. (Heaven forbid we all tell each other about our sexual fantasies. I'm sure my parents and siblings have them, but I don't really want to know.)

    Best to you. Bisexuality is complicated, but rewarding. You'll get through the hard part and soon the really good stuff starts.
     
  6. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Totally agree that I think it is an important step for you to realize and acknowledge your bisexuality....But I wouldn't stress over it....I think you have made to most important step for yourself....Personally I never discuss my sex life w/my family and since they know I am not the relationship type, they never really ask....I too came to the realization that I have a somewhat attraction to men a couple of years ago. Since it really never changed the way I interact w/my peers or family, I really never had the urge to let people know about my sex life....I rarely even bring in the girls I am involved w/around my friends....The guys I hang w/are very competitive and they play this immature game of trying to hook up w/the girls we bring out....Unfortunately we all have similar tastes....But congrats and good luck....
     
  7. GoneA

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    Nitro,

    This post didn’t come quite as naturally to me as there were, possibly, a hundred different ways to view and reply to your quandary. However, I want to share a personal philosophy of mine – which you may or may not agree with - that I hope offers the slightest bit of clarity to what seems a perplexed mind:

    I think there comes a time in everyone’s life where they begin to move in a direction of self-realization. I feel this is the point where our lives truly become our own and we pause to inquire about ourselves. That is, as we grow-up and grow older, we realize that life isn’t solely about getting folks to understand who we are and us fitting, very nicely, into their perceptions of who they think we should be, but more so recognizing and coming to terms with the man in the mirror. For my part, I can say that a great portion of my life had been consumed with building relationships – many of which were unstable at best – and aiming to please people to the point where my general focus became entirely fixated upon those relationships – and maintaining them – that I failed to examine myself and what person I really was inside.

    I had a fairly decent grasp of who I was (or what I meant) to others, but I was behind on the self-actualizing side of things. To be honest, I sometimes even defined aspects of my characters, personality, sexuality, etc. by what would be deemed “acceptable” in sight of others. What an insane why to live, but so easy to be subjected to.

    Introspection is the order of the day.

    I say that because it appears something similar may be transpiring in your own life, where you see a necessity in maintaining (and possibly forming) relationships that aren’t mutually beneficial. Like countless people, you seem very intimidated by perception – not your own of course, but how you will be perceived by others. Fear not, I’m not one of those bohemian preachy-types that go on about how you shouldn’t care what other people think – I don’t give that advice because very, very seldom do people actually adhere to it. In fact, I suppose that in order to gain a full sense of self-awareness we must have some idea of how we are observed by the people around us. However, the advice I will give is: do not allow the perceptions of others to have absolute power over you. If you should, then you lose the ability to go your own way – much less pave it.

    Now would be an optimal time to surround yourself with folks who genuinely care about your emotional well-being. You mentioned that you’ve come-out to a few people; I say stay a little closer to them until you feel the time has come to tell those already in your circle. Moreover, there really is no perfect time to tell your family members and close friends. Hopefully, the time will come just as naturally as your newfound sexuality, but with less of a burden involved. If not, and you really would like to make known your sexuality, then I say perhaps you can force the hand a little more and think of a when would be a good time – then go for it.

    Your final sentence really stood out to me, where you indicated that we were “scared, confused and unsure” but you’re finally happy. It’s interesting to see how inharmonious human emotions can be, but I’m glad that you’re gradually setting yourself free. I hope you continue.

    Keep us updated.

    GoneA
     
  8. headbang8

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    GoneA, you're my hero.
     
  9. GoneA

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    Thanks! Hey, you totally rocked in that Ann Coulter thread. I repeated some of things you said, verbatim, to my professor. :tongue:
     
  10. Lex

    Lex
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    Nitrofiend--Congratulations on beginning the long jounrey to discovering your true self. It is not easy getting there. Only you can know how you identify--I initially identified as bisexual and now realize that I am more gay than not. The community and support of some wonderful members here was very helpful to me.

    I won't ramble on and on (because this thread is about YOU, not me). I am happy to discuss my own journey with you in any way I can. Feel free to PM me is you want to. I found some very useful Coming Out websites that were helpful to me.

    Good luck and there are many here that are here for you!!

    fortiesfun-thanks for the nod--it's been a bumpy ride, and in the end, I am a much happier person.

    GoneA--you're amazing, dude. Know that. I admire your clarity.
     
  11. Matthew

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    Congratulations! Being happy is what it's all about.

    Take your time to tell others. As others have said, maybe you could test the waters a little bit before you make any proclmations to people. Or not - you should follow your instincts if you are feeling the need to tell people right away. If you do, start with the easier ones - those friends or family you know will be more supportive. Then you will have backup when you tackle the folks who will have trouble with the news.

    Good luck! And now, go out and have some fun. :wink:
     
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