On the road to improvement...

Catharsis

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These are mostly self-thoughts that I was going to put into a blog, but I thought I would post it here because I would really appreciate others' input on some of the questions and comments I pose in here. Maybe some of you have been here yourself... Maybe you're even in a similar situation, now. But it's time for me to make a change in my life, and here are some goals I have made for my own personal betterment:

1. Don't compare yourself with others.

Yeah... I do this too often. I constantly see others succeed in what I fail to accomplish. It's really discouraging and demotivating, and I honestly feel indignant toward the successful. It's horrible, they don't deserve that treatment, and I know this. It's actually very selfish of me, which is a problem in and of itself. Anyway, I've tried to observe/listen and see/hear what they do so differently, but there is no different technique or task. It just works out for them, and not for me. Obviously this is my own downfall, because even if it is not the cause of my unhappiness, it certainly does not help the situation. How can I utilize the failures more effectively in my life? It's not serving much of a learning experience if the same result happens with different strategies - I have been learning from them, but the only thing I can gain from it is that I haven't succeeded. And how can I stop comparing my failures to the successes of others?

2. Don't seek approval from others.

In almost any social situation, I have the need to be accepted before I can feel comfortable and open. Often, though, I don't receive this welcome and I feel like I'm not wanted. About a year ago, I used to be so open and so lively... My confidence was radiating. And then it fell, gradually, mostly because of the first point. I would owe it all to that first point, but I'm sure it's not so clear-cut as that. Regardless, maybe if I can fix that first point that this one would resolve itself naturally... right?

3. Accept that life is not fair.

Maybe I'm just not the type of person who is meant to succeed at what I want to accomplish. Maybe I should just move on and be content with that conclusion. Maybe I shouldn't expect so much from either myself or the situation... But does that mean I should "settle" for whatever comes my way? I mean, any result is better than no result, right? But should I think this way?

Actually, I question that this last point would resolve anything. Shouldn't I think more positively, that I can achieve anything even if I've been failing at it for so long? Maybe all I need is a little boost, a push to move forward and onward. I don't look to my family for this support because I don't expect it from them... I try to look for my friends, but they are rarely helpful...

So instead, I try to take a break from these tasks and keep myself busy with other things, but having no interests or passions really makes this rather difficult. I mean, what can I possibly do to serve as a distraction and keep my mind focused on something else? I am involved in community service, and while it does help me to realize there are so many others who are less fortunate than me, this does nothing to fix my challenges... In fact, I would say that it exacerbates them - or at least it does my mood. Any happiness that I do gain from helping others is temporary, because at the end of the day, I come back home to face my own challenges. Again with my selfishness. How can I make the good feelings last longer, even permanently?

I appreciate any ideas or comments that any one has, whether or not you think it's something I want to hear. I'm open to anything. Thank you.
 

nudeyorker

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I think you are at the beginning of getting a good grasp on these fundamental human emotions or feelings (Some people never seem to get as far as you have with this) All of your feelings are normal and almost everyone in the world has had these thoughts or feelings. The big trick is taking it from this stage and follow through and make sure it does not get lost somewhere between the shadow and the act as life moves forward.
One thing and it's maybe one of the most important life lessons I've ever learned... learn from your failure and how to make it a success; nearly every successful person in the world has done this.
Don't think you are on the road to improvement because from where I'm sitting you seem just perfect the way you are... think of yourself as evolving. I still think that way about myself. And in terms of approval we all want that from our peers but eventually you will see that many of them will be lucky to have your approval.
Me ke aloha!
 
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All good concepts, Cath - as long as you also remember: 'don't be too hard on yourself', 'amplify the positive/minimise the negative' and also, 'remember to enjoy things'. :)

Maybe I'm just not the type of person who is meant to succeed at what I want to accomplish. Maybe I should just move on and be content with that conclusion.
I think it's more that you discount the things you are good at, and only rate other people's talents. As soon as you accomplish something (which you possibly rated highly before) you tend to then change it to 'I managed it, so it can't be that good or important, after all'. Learn to appreciate and value yourself and your own achievements too - they're pretty awesome!. :)
 
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ronin001

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Cathy you have realized a great many things about yourself and about life in general in your few short years of being a young adult. So many people of advanced years never figure out 1/2 of what you already know

Good man
 
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Cathy you have realized a great many things about yourself and about life in general in your few short years of being a young adult. So many people of advanced years never figure out 1/2 of what you already know

Good man
I agree! :smile:

Now, give yerself a break. :wink:
 
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deleted3782

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Now, back to Cath.

No matter how great someone's life appears, no matter the great things they do, the great people they hang out with, or the places they go...everyone has struggles. Every one of us. Some might be in way like yours, some might be quite different from yours...but few (I'd argue none) of us live a perfect life.

You have many strengths, Cath. I hope you can learn to give yourself credit for them. Maybe you can find ways to help others...that's always been a good way to feel less selfish and more grateful for your strengths.
 

OhWiseOne

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Don't compare yourself to others. It's a tough thing to do but here is a fact. You are an individual and there is no one that is like you.

Seeking approval is natural. Try this this approach. Approve your own actions and results as a step forward. Don't wait on others.

You're right life isn't fair, or is it? Is there a book of life rules that I don't know about? Nope there sure isn't. Stand up take what comes at you and don't compare yourself to others. Do what makes you happy and you will get the desired results. If not the first, second or third time it will happen. Believe that and never give up.

My final thought. Quit using the words "maybe, should, shouldn't". They create negative thoughts and doubt. Trust yourself Cath...

Hang in there and fight. :)
 
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Now, back to Cath.

No matter how great someone's life appears, no matter the great things they do, the great people they hang out with, or the places they go...everyone has struggles. Every one of us. Some might be in way like yours, some might be quite different from yours...but few (I'd argue none) of us live a perfect life.

You have many strengths, Cath. I hope you can learn to give yourself credit for them. Maybe you can find ways to help others...that's always been a good way to feel less selfish and more grateful for your strengths.
Rare for me to agree with Ex, but this is one of those times. Whole post is sound, in fact.

Don't compare yourself to others. It's a tough thing to do but here is a fact. You are an individual and there is no one that is like you.

Seeking approval is natural. Try this this approach. Approve your own actions and results as a step forward. Don't wait on others.

You're right life isn't fair, or is it? Is there a book of life rules that I don't know about? Nope there sure isn't. Stand up take what comes at you and don't compare yourself to others. Do what makes you happy and you will get the desired results. If not the first, second or third time it will happen. Believe that and never give up.

My final thought. Quit using the words "maybe, should, shouldn't". They create negative thoughts and doubt. Trust yourself Cath...
Yes 'maybe I can', 'I'd like to', 'I feel like doing...' work better.

Hang in there and fight. :)
Yes! I had a hard time with that too, and always felt like I needed permission or validation from somewhere - then, I realised I had to seek it from myself. It's probably based in assuming you're inferior to others, and that their opinions weigh more (that's how I felt, anyway) - but it's not actually the case.
 

manju

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I stumbled upon this TED video and it really was an eye opener dealing with shame and guilt. It is a bit long but this woman has revealed some truths that helped me understand why I was always so down on myself with some of the issues you bring up here - social acceptance, failing, self doubt.

Brené Brown: Listening to shame - YouTube
 

Catharsis

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Thank you for your insight, guys.

nudeyorker and ronin, I agree with you. I think these are some flaws that are holding me back to being happy in life. I may have realized these... But I need help to overcome them. But, I think nudeyorker is right that I should think of myself as evolving - maybe even another word could be budding.

Joll, I do think that some of those other issues you mentioned coincide with the ones I listed. I am so critical of myself because I compare myself to others so much. Then again, I suppose that is because I focus so much on my failures and not so much on whatever successes I have achieved (which is honestly nothing outside of work and school, although I do admit that those might be more important than a lot of other things).

exwhyzee, I appreciate your reality check. Of course, I do realize that no one is perfect, and trust me that I do realize that someone else always has it worse than I do. And, I realize that I can't be perfect. But any positive attribute that I would use to describe myself only makes me a dime a dozen, which I now reply also to OhWiseOne. I wish there was something unique about me, but particularly without having any passions, there is not much I can offer to any one. I guess that's why I look to feel approved and accepted, because it's not like I know they need me for something (otherwise I wouldn't feel such a need to be wanted).

And thank you for the link, manju. When I have the time (both to let the video buffer through my horribly slow internet and then to watch it), I shall check it out.

Again, thank you for everyone's input. It's much appreciated, and I am still looking forward to more - maybe even some insight from different perspectives than those mentioned here already.
 
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Lovely response there Cath - thoughtful, polite and grateful. Give yoself credit!

I think we tend to be kinder to others than ourselves (especially people with your mindset) - so, our comments to you are probably more the tack you should be taking. It's pretty hard tho at first - if you've got high expectations of yourself, or... if you feel inferior and kinda think everything you do has to be perfect in order for you to equal everyone else (I did that, too).

I think - I view myself as evolving too (or treat things as an experiment I can learn from), and allow myself to make mistakes. I'm trying my best, so if I fuck up it's generally not on purpose, and I'll just learn and move on, rather than doing a stressy reaction and beating myself up. :)

We love ya tho, so you must be doin something right. :)
 
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deleted3782

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exwhyzee, I appreciate your reality check. Of course, I do realize that no one is perfect, and trust me that I do realize that someone else always has it worse than I do. And, I realize that I can't be perfect. But any positive attribute that I would use to describe myself only makes me a dime a dozen, which I now reply also to OhWiseOne. I wish there was something unique about me, but particularly without having any passions, there is not much I can offer to any one. I guess that's why I look to feel approved and accepted, because it's not like I know they need me for something (otherwise I wouldn't feel such a need to be wanted).

Yes some have it worse than you, including some of the people you might think have it better. We all have our demons, or insecurities, and our baggage to deal with. And who the fuck wants to be perfect? I happen to like all my demons, insecurities, and delightful baggage. It is what makes me, me. It makes me unique. When I was a kid, I would get my hair cut in crazy ways, or wear crazy clothes to show that I was unique (and that is cool...I am a big fan of expressing yourself). But as I get older, I wonder who am I trying to impress? I've had some great accomplishments in my life that I'm very proud of, and no one can take those away from me. If someone digs below my surface, they might discover some of my accomplishments. You have those, Cath, and you will accumulate more as you grow older. In the meantime, do something that lets you feel unique, if you need a little boost. Work with those that need help, read a book on a specialized interest like art, architecture, music, or history. Or dye your hair, pierce your ear...you get the picture.
 

erratic

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1. Don't compare yourself with others.

I would love to know how one can not compare oneself to anyone else. I think, in your expansion on that comment, you hit the real problem (as I see it) on the head: Always comparing yourself to people who have succeeded where you have not. That's demotivating and cruel. If you're going to compare yourself to the success stories (and, as a human being, you probably will), compare yourself as well to those who haven't tried, to those who've tried and failed, to those who keep trying no matter how many times they've failed. If you're going to learn from your failures, you need to know where you're positioned in the process. Knowing how others succeeded is important, but so is learning from other people's failures.

You also hit on another vital bit: Failure is no reason to think less of yourself. Failure is learning what doesn't work. Moreover, it comes with frustration, sadness, disappointment, and all kinds of unpleasant emotions, and provides you with a priceless opportunity to learn how to persevere.

Our culture has viciously attached a sense of personal deficit to failure, and nothing could be more detrimental to achievement. There is little more noble in this world than someone who stumbles and tries again.


2. Don't seek approval from others.

Again, I think you hit the nail on the head in your expansion on the idea: Don't need approval from others.

I think it's a bit un-human to ask yourself not to seek approval from anyone, but it's certainly problematic to need it before you can act. How can you do anything if you always need approval first?

3. Accept that life is not fair.

Well, ain't that the fucking truth. :s
 

Catharsis

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Hey exwhyzee, I think you bring up a point that every part of us makes us who we are. The only problem I have is that I don't own up to my own demons, insecurities, and baggages. They do bring me down... And I do think it's partly, if not mostly because of my first point. I've grown a lot in the past year... And I've opened up some parts of my life that I didn't know about, before. Unfortunately, it seems that the more I learn, the more I become disappointed - both in myself and in life. I guess I just need to find a different way to take in what I discover... But how?

Thanks for the comments, erratic. As for the first point, I do think that I would classify myself as one of those people who keep trying no matter how many times they fail. And yes, it does come with those horrible feelings. And believe me when I say that I do try to learn from my mistakes and failures. The problem that I'm having is that it seems like I fail no matter what I do. The logical conclusion I've been able to come to in finding the source of my failure(s) is the only common denominator in all this: me. That is detrimental, but as I've recently told someone else, all I want is a little bit of light, some hope, some sort of signal that I'm on the right path. Again, I just don't know where to find this. Or maybe I just don't know what to look for. :frown1:

And yes, you do bring up a good point that I shouldn't need approval from others. I suppose, then, that I just need to find a way to open up to others and not be so damaged, offended, or just generally hurt if I'm rejected. And then that would probably go along with what I need to do to fix how I perceive my failures.

It is hard... And I don't know what to do - at all. But, I suppose that's why I'm here. :redface: