Once More, With Feeling

[Lex]

Clearly, the only option is to instruct the bastard to fuck off. Fuck right off.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200- just fuck right off.

And die.

That's right, fuck off and die, you slimy bastard.

Or, if so inclined, run outside and play the ever popular Hide and Go Fuck Yourself™.

Fuck yourself on a train, on a plane, in a box, with a fox...

No matter what the method, the important thing is that you don't forget to fuck yourself.

Fuck yourself and eat beans, for all I care.

Fuck yourself at your grandfather's house. Be sure not to fuck your grandfather... This is a common mistake. It is imperitive that you fuck yourself.

Fuck yourself and send us the pictures, so that we can verify that you have, indeed, completed your mission. WE WILL BE KEEPING TABS ON YOUR "FUCKED YOURSELF" STATUS.

In that vein, allow me to mention the importance of the ensuing paperwork. You can write this off on your taxes if need be. Certain restrictions apply, but not the kinds of restrictions that get you out of fucking yourself.

This is a tradition that is becoming something of a lost art, you see. We need as many young, fresh souls to speak the dead language (if you will,) of fucking yourself as humanly possible. So, if you don't fuck yourself, you will be just like the generations past that have made fucking yourself an endangered species. Just like the pandas¹. You heartless, pandacidal bastard.

Do not confuse this order with Canada's declared Masturbation Month². This is something special, just for you.

It is YOU that must fuck yourself, you Capitalistic fucktard. How dare you come onto OUR site and try to make money?Stop sucking off soldiers in Guantanamo bay, and GO FUCK YOURSELF.

 

[dudepiston]

my virgin ears!

 

[B_Think_Kink]

I'm here for many hours everyday, and I still manage to miss things...

 

[madame_zora]

AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR- THE MOTHERFUCKING FOLLOW-UP!



Suck my dick. Suck my dick through a convenience store spoon-straw. Suck my dick til my head explodes. While you're at it, suck my asshole. Just be sure not to forget to suck. My. Dick.

In the immortal words of the late, great Wesley Willis, suck a race horse's bootyhole.

Suck dead donkey dicks. Suck live donkey dicks. Suck my dick like you're one of Jerry's kids, sucking for the antidote. Suck my dick like you're suck-starting a Harley. Suck my dick like you're trying to suck chrome off the motherfucking tailpipe.

Suck my dick like you don't get free refills. Suck my dick with meaning and purpose. Suck my dick with the devotion an elderly, deaf/mute nun has for our lord, Jesus Christ.

Suck my dick like it's national Steak and Blowjob day. Suck my dick like you'll get a coupon afterwards for $0.10 off Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers (when you buy a dozen). Suck my dick like you was raised in the ghetto and there's grape drink inside. Sugar. Water. Purple.

Suck my dick like you'se payin' the rent. Suck my dick like there's a bitchslap coming to you if you don't do a good enough job. Ho. Suck my dick like you're going for Olympic Gold, representing all of America's Synchronized Deepthroating team after a tragic airplane crash that forced them all into cannibalism... It's all up to you, man... Bottom of the ninth... Time to suck that dick like a choirboy that's been given a whole dollar not to tell mommy.

Suck my dick like that promotion depends on it. That glass ceiling ain't gonna break itself, now is it, toots? That's right, on your knees, smile like a doughnut. And fondle my balls while you're at it... That's right, twaddle them around like the awe-inspiring orbs of sheer perfection that they are. Note that they are smooth as eggs. This is all for you, my cock hungry, dick sucking slut.

That's right... Take that carpet python deep into your phlegmy love canal. Feel that surge of shame and glory as it swirls into your gullet in the form of my exquisite semen.

Suck my fucking dick. I may have confused you there with that previous tangent... Allow me to set us back on the right track, the path of righteousness. Keep your eye on the prize, here, Junior... Suck my dick. While you're at it, suck Bill Clinton's dick. All the cool kids are doing it. Suck my dick like the fate of the world, nay, UNIVERSE is riding on it. Just like I'll be riding your face, cocksucker.

Suck my fucking dick. Suck my fucking, goddamn dick. Suck my fucking, goddamn, shit-drenched dick. Suck my fucking, goddamn, shit-drenched, smegma marinated dick, you cum guzzling gutter slut. Suck my fucking, goddamn, shit-drenched, smegma marinated, booger smeared dick, you cum guzzling, $2 gutter slut in polyester pants.

Knock, knock. Who's there? My dick. My dick who? Suck it, bitch.

Break's over, time to suck my dick. Hop to it, chop chop. We're burning daylight here, people. Precious moments where the aforesaid party, hereafter referred to as "you," could be sucking the penis that shall be hereafter referred to as "mine."

Suck my dick like the two of us are stranded on a desert island, and through the illusion of a mirage, you mistake it for a vessel containing the elixir necessary for your very survival. Suck my dick like you rolled a 20 or something in D & D and somehow your Slutwench has to suck off my Cockwizard, while simultaneously casting a healing spell. I call D.M., chulo.

Suck my dick like you've lost some kind of contest or another and you have to pretend to be Liberace for a day.

Suck my dick in drag on Fountain Square. Suck my dick in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Suck my dick on one of the Great Sphynx's paws. Suck my dick on the constellation Draco. Suck my dick in the Crab Nebula. Suck my dick like you're searching for truth, justice, and the American way. Niggas.

"Suck my dick," said the prickety prick, a persnickety, crickety, rickety prick.
"I do not suck Green Dicks and Spam™, I do not, will not, Mr. Shammity Sham."
"Nonsense, come and suck this dick," and he drew out his cock, and he drew it out quick, "now onto the floor, I say, don't be shy. And suck my old dick, go on, give it a try! Suck it like you need a meal, suck it with a burst of zeal! Suck it 'til the shit turns teal! Suck it for me, here and there, suck it through my underwear. Suck it for me, day and night, suck it with your lips so tight. Suck it with a fashionable flair, until I shoot it in your hair. Yes, you've got it! Here's the spunk! Enough that it should get you drunk! I'll fill your tummy with my goo, and, perhaps, your eyeballs, too!"

In closing, without further ado, forsaking all others,
SUCK MY DICK.

Thnx,

Mgmt

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

I don't have as much energy as you two so here goes:
GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A KOSHER SALAMI!

 

[dudepiston]

you ok, lex? :biggrin1:

 

[madame_zora]

I don't have as much energy as you two so here goes:
GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A KOSHER SALAMI!

Circumcised?

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

Circumcised?

You can have a Chorizo if you want but as you know, they're much smaller .

 

[D_alex8]

And may diarrhea-encrusted cannibals piss on you all while eating your intestines, you fetid cuntshites.

 

[bluekarma]

Heard this on one of Eddie Murphy's stand up routines. All of my friends be sayin it all the time now:

"Suck my big black stuff. Put it in yo mouth and suck it"

Hahahahah. Ah, Eddie Murphy, funny motha fucker!

 

[Lex]

you ok, lex? :biggrin1:

Never better!

Circumcised?

I love you.

You can have a Chorizo if you want but as you know, they're much smaller .

I love you too.

 

[Lex]

AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR- THE MOTHERFUCKING FOLLOW-UP!

I figured all you needed was a gentle reminder. Hee hee.

 

[D_alex8]

Ah, Eddie Murphy, funny motha fucker!

He deserves to be battered with the door to his own sexual closet before being forced to watch every cringeable moment of projected self-loathing within his films for eternity.

That is all.

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

And if you want to have a really joyous day, watch this:
YouTube - Clip RuPaul Looking Good Feeling Gorgeous

 

[Ethyl]

Or, as I told a former friend two weeks ago in the heat of an argument:

"Fuck you and that judgemental horse you rode in on"


That one hurt.

 

[bluekarma]

He deserves to be battered with the door to his own sexual closet before being forced to watch every cringeable moment of projected self-loathing within his films for eternity.

That is all.

I take it you don't like Eddie Murphy, Alex? How come? Just wondering, that's all...:wink:

 

[madame_zora]

What, no one's going to comment on the knock knock joke?

 

[JustAsking]

I have to say that Lex's and MZ's posts in this thread have gone way beyond comedy and are bordering on a kind of profane American artform. This is some seriously entertaining stuff.

Is this all original? Not that I don't doubt that either of you could come up with this stuff, but I am just asking, is all.

 

[B_Think_Kink]

What, no one's going to comment on the knock knock joke?

It made it's way into... someones signature... but its probably the best knock knock joke I have ever heard...

 

[DaveyR]

It made it's way into... someones signature... but its probably the best knock knock joke I have ever heard...

Yes mine - It's among the three best things I have read on here recently, all by former Mods incidentally, so I have added them all to my sig :biggrin1: