One for Rawbone

[Drifterwood]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv eny books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,


"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

 

[rawbone8]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv eny books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,


"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

:biggrin1:

's a big Gorbal's kiss fer ye

 

[Pecker]

An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant.

"Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week."

"Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman.

"No," said the American.

"Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.

 

[rawbone8]

A Scot walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

He shouts to the stranger “Awa ye feel hoor thats full oa coos sharn”
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit)

The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you."

The Scot shouts back, "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

 

[Drifterwood]

What do the Scots do when it's cold?

Sit round a candle.


What do they do when it's really cold?

Light it.

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

In the Northern Highlands, an impatient fanner knocked at the door of neighboring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered.
"Is your father in?" asked the neighbor.
"No," said the daughter. "He's at the Inverness farmers market. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00."
"No, it's not that," said the neighbor.
"Well," said the daughter, "if it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's $40."
"No, it's not that," said the neighbor.
"How about the small Highland bull?" said the daughter.
"The service of that bull is only $30."
The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter. "That's not what I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it."
"Oh, well," said the daughter. "You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy."

 

[rawbone8]

"Bha Dòmhnall bochd ag obair san taigh-stail ann an Talasgair
nuair a thuit e ann a’ bhat uisge bheatha," arsa am bodach.

"Och tha mi duilich sin a chluinntinn," ars' a charaid, "se bàs gu
dearbh cruaidh a bhiodh an-sin."

"O uill," thuirt am bodach, "chan eil mi cinnteach ás a-sin, oir
thàinig e a-mach ás dà uair air son a dhol dhan thaigh bheag!"

:biggrin1:

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

"Bha Dòmhnall bochd ag obair san taigh-stail ann an Talasgair
nuair a thuit e ann a’ bhat uisge bheatha," arsa am bodach.

"Och tha mi duilich sin a chluinntinn," ars' a charaid, "se bàs gu
dearbh cruaidh a bhiodh an-sin."

"O uill," thuirt am bodach, "chan eil mi cinnteach ás a-sin, oir
thàinig e a-mach ás dà uair air son a dhol dhan thaigh bheag!"

:biggrin1:

Hahahahaha.
Now Rawb, that's reeeeeally funny!:biggrin1:

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

Here's one I told my mother, who was embarrassingly antiPapist.

Bhí Pádraig agus Michéal sa teach tabhairne ag ól agus bhí siad go maith.
Bhí siad ag feachaint tríd an bhfuinneog ar an teach transna an bhóthair.
Teach flapachain b'ea é.
Thánig duine nó béirt, ó am go ham, agus tríd sa doras t¡ leo.
Ansin chonaic Pádraig an tUrramach Protastantúnach ag teacht agus isteach sa teach leis.
"An bhfuil sé gan náire, fear Dia mar sin?", arsa Michéal.
Ansin tagann Raibi Giudach agus isteach sa theach leis.
"An bhfuil sé gan náire, fear Dia mar sin?", arsa Pádraig.
Ó bhí sé ag éirí deanach, d'éirigh Pádraig is Michéal, d'fhág siad síneadh láimhe, agus amach leo.
Ansin chonaic siad an sagart ag teacht agus isteach sa teach leis.
"Is trua sin", arsa an bhéirt. Is doigh liom go bhfuil duine de na caíliní bochta istigh tinn.
Tá an sagart ag dul a cuir Óla Dheanach uirthi.

(Gawd bless her, Rawb. I have no one to tell such jokes to now.:redface

 

[Pecker]

Scottish DUI test.

 

[bottombuddy]

NO OFFENCE TO AMERICANS BTW - I LOVE USA.

an american tourist visiting aberdeen and out for a stroll one day came across a farmer in his field and asked......what is that your growing and the farmer replied potatoes.....the american laughed and said ........back home we grow them this big (using his hands to make a huge ball shape)....to which the scottish farmer replied - aye but we grow them to fit our mooths (we grow them to fit our mouths).

 

[Drifterwood]

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

 

[Drifterwood]

"Bha Dòmhnall bochd ag obair san taigh-stail ann an Talasgair
nuair a thuit e ann a’ bhat uisge bheatha," arsa am bodach.

"Och tha mi duilich sin a chluinntinn," ars' a charaid, "se bàs gu
dearbh cruaidh a bhiodh an-sin."

"O uill," thuirt am bodach, "chan eil mi cinnteach ás a-sin, oir
thàinig e a-mach ás dà uair air son a dhol dhan thaigh bheag!"

:biggrin1:

I don't believe it.

He wouldn't have bothered to get out to go. :wink:

 

[Drifterwood]

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut?

You can get a drink out of a coconut.

 

[glasgow1986]

quote drifterwood... "What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Drifterwood, that was quality! Rest assured i will be spreading this one around... taking all the credit naturally.

 

[Pecker]

A fierce Highlander is drinking in a Glasgow pub. He consumes about ten pints, but just as he starts on his eleventh, he feels the call of nature.

Dubious about the character of the Glaswegian, he gets a postit note and scribbles on it "This pint belongs to the Inverness Heavyweight Boxing Champion" and sticks it to the glass.

On his return he sees another note stuck over his, which reads "This pint is now inside the Glasgow Half Mile Sprint Champion!"

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

Here's one I told my mother, who was embarrassingly antiPapist.

Bhí Pádraig agus Michéal sa teach tabhairne ag ól agus bhí siad go maith.
Bhí siad ag feachaint tríd an bhfuinneog ar an teach transna an bhóthair.
Teach flapachain b'ea é.
Thánig duine nó béirt, ó am go ham, agus tríd sa doras t¡ leo.
Ansin chonaic Pádraig an tUrramach Protastantúnach ag teacht agus isteach sa teach leis.
"An bhfuil sé gan náire, fear Dia mar sin?", arsa Michéal.
Ansin tagann Raibi Giudach agus isteach sa theach leis.
"An bhfuil sé gan náire, fear Dia mar sin?", arsa Pádraig.
Ó bhí sé ag éirí deanach, d'éirigh Pádraig is Michéal, d'fhág siad síneadh láimhe, agus amach leo.
Ansin chonaic siad an sagart ag teacht agus isteach sa teach leis.
"Is trua sin", arsa an bhéirt. Is doigh liom go bhfuil duine de na caíliní bochta istigh tinn.
Tá an sagart ag dul a cuir Óla Dheanach uirthi.

(Gawd bless her, Rawb. I have no one to tell such jokes to now.:redface

Ha. So far so good.:tongue:

 

[Mr. Snakey]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv eny books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,


"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Very funny.:biggrin1:

 

[rawbone8]

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

LOL. That's a keeper.:biggrin1:

 

[Pecker]

There wis a young lassie named Menzies,
That asked her aunt whit this thenzies.
Said her aunt wi a gasp,
"Ma dear, it's a wasp,
An you're haudin the end whaur the stenzies!"