One for the gay guys...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Rugbypup, Mar 7, 2010.

  1. Rugbypup

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    I have a question...

    As gay men, we reach that point when we realise we aren't straight. Many go on to 'come out' and whether or not that they do, most go one to have relationships with other guys.

    But, where in the grand scheme, does it lead?

    Most of us won't have children and many still will never have someone to grow old with. So there is another realisation, you will not have the life your parents had.

    So at 60, 70, older still if your lot allows... how do you see yourself?

    Do straight men have a better, easier, time in later life with family, children and wives?

    At 31 and nearly half way through, hopfully not past it, I don't feel I've had a fraction of the life experience of most men my age. I guess the future is now playing on my mind.

    A penny for your thoughts.

    Love pup.
     
  2. Rowan Ravenseed

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    I think you tend to see the negative side of things quite often and fail to see the posative side of things.

    Many gay men go on to live long and happy lives with partners theve had for over 20 years..... 1/3 marriages among heterosexual couples end in divorce before 5 years.

    Many gay men that live single lives add to society in some really significant ways. Others contribute to society in thier own special way.

    Life isnt just about growing old with some-one and having a family that just the opinion of the majority so most people tend to take it for gratis.

    As for experiences.... i bet theres a shitload of experiences you have in life that your hetero friends dont have
     
  3. rude

    rude Active Member

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    It depends. I have found that over time, people are born to be who they are. Mean people are mean people. Good people are good people. Gay people are gay people, and the straights, well you know.

    You can be a pessimistic person, optimistic, gay, straight, black, white, anything in the spectrum. So much has to do with genes. I have three children and the behavioral issues are so grounded in hereditary. Its amazing and scary!

    So little is attributed to genes but so much iles there.
     
  4. rude

    rude Active Member

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    My point is u can be a happy gay or you can not. And most of it probably depends on your genes and who you were meant to be, gay or not.
     
  5. Lex

    Lex
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    I've been married, have kids (my own and step- through my hubby,) have an awesome partner who I will one day marry when it is legal to do so, and don't for a minute think that straight men or women have it "easier."

    I see no greener grass than that I cultivate in my own yard.
     
  6. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    you're going to find blokes who are straight, married with children, wondering if their lives could be different ... you will find other blokes in the same situation who have no doubt they have made the right decisions every step of the way

    likewise, you will find some gays wondering how much better their lives would be if they straight, and married with children

    you will find gays who are completely happy with their situations

    in other words, happiness is being satisfied with one's lot, whatever that lot is
     
  7. exwhyzee

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    We all find different paths.

    Am I going to envy a straight guy who has been married for 25 years, gets in constant bickering matches with his wife, has three kids who hate him, who works at a job he hates so that the wife and kids are cared for, and who's only escape is an occasional night at the bar with the guys? No.

    Am I going to envy a guy with a wife who loves him, kids that love him, and a job he loves? No...he has found his path and its not my path. He's happy and that's cool for him, but happiness doesn't come in one flavor.

    If you are really worried about your future, I suggest you spend some time with older folks who can advise you on ways you can live your life on your terms to make your own path. They can be your role models. Having a partner does not assure happiness. Having kids certainly does not assure that you will be cared for in times of poor health. Single people of all walks can develop networks around them of people who can care for them in times of need. It has nothing to do with being married or single, gay or straight. If it still bothers you and you need assurance, there are insurance plans that can provide care for you if you need it.

    Figure out how you want your life to be, and try to live that way...but remember that nothing is guaranteed in life for any of us.
     
  8. DanilloD

    DanilloD New Member

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    I think at this point in our societies, as acceptance grows, more and more gay men are gaining access to methods of reproduction that wouldn't otherwise have been available or ethical in the past. I can only speak for myself - but as a gay man who wants NOTHING to do with vag, and LOVES cock, I still very much plan on having a child or even children. Perhaps the old fashioned way, perhaps through invitro, I don't quite know. However, I will have children.

    As for, "...where does it lead?" I honestly a gay's life is the same as that of a straight man. Perhaps there are differing opportunities, and certainly different problems and situations present themselves depending on your sexuality, but ultimately we all have the same drives and wants, and gay men are JUST as capable of success as straight men and considering that being gay doesn't diminish a man's drive to succeed, I honestly don't think a gay man's life will end will truly differ from a straight man's in any appreciable way.

    Finally to discuss the matter of your comment on age... 31 is NOT half your lifespan. Unless of course you have some condition I am unaware of you shouldn't expect to die at 60-65... not in this day and age... heck people who contract HIV are supposed to still have a life expectancy of 70+. So your feeling of having not a fraction of the life experience you think you should isn't one you need worry about... Go out. Do it. Enjoy it.

    OOOOKay, I'm ranting (in a positive way) :)
    I'll stop.
     
  9. D_Harvey Schmeckel

    D_Harvey Schmeckel New Member

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    Halfway through my 50s, I can tell you that most older gay men I know are in longterm relationships and seem no different than straight couples I know in happiness levels. Gays and lesbians are members of extended families and as society has changed, there is less likelihood of alienation from family members based on sexual orientation. So for a much younger guy like you, I really don't think that there is anything to envy straight guys about. People feel emotionally isolated or connected for a wide variety of reasons in later life, and I don't think heterosexuality is a major advantage in this regard.
     
  10. fatddyslam

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    there is nothing that says two men cannot grow old together. i tend to believe "growing old with someone" doesnt exist, gay or straight. the aforementioned 50% divorce rate proves that for most people "happily ever after" just doesnt exist.

    we all have our own experience and expectations of life. some people are okay being lonely and independent, while others cant spend a day without companionship. life is what you make of it. this is 2010, for the most part we live in a high level of luxury compared to living standards in haiti, darfur, chile, etc... I think there are many things we take for granted, but having a family and children is achievable for anyone.

    To go off on a tangent: For gays, marriage and union is unachievable in a legal sense. Emotionally, love and longing for one another is not validated through a marriage license. It is unfortunate because gay men pay a large amount of taxes into the system, but gay men are not able to file joint taxes or leave one another assets

    i like this thread a lot. you have all attributed a very meaningful insight on the life of a gay. haha
     
    #10 fatddyslam, Mar 8, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2010
  11. BigDallasDick8x6

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    Of course they do. At the very end when your health is failing, you need a good supporty system. If you have independent, self-supporting and loving children who are able to take care of you are much better off than some guy living under a bridge who has nothing but non-profits and the government.

    But what difference does it make who has an easier time when? Dying is never easy. So what if it is less difficult for one group than another. It is still difficult. And you can't change who you are anyway, so why worry about it. Just build the best support system you can. I had one friend who took very good care of a mutual dying friend in Florida. Although they were of the same generation, he took as good care of his as a loving child would have done. So it is possible to have that support even without children. There is an advantage of having someone a generation or two younger than you though, if you die elderly. They have the strength to help you, whereas someone your own age may not. In some families, nieces and nephews fill this role.

    And of course this is generalization. There are exceptions. If you have hateful angry children who are bickering over your estate before you're even dead, then that isn't a solace as you are about to die. You'd be better off childless.

    Still, all things considered, even though I am gay I would have to say that having adult children in my old age would be a help to me. Not going to happen. But this is who I am. You can't compare yourself to others. Or if you do, compare yourself to someone who is ill, blind, in a wheelchair, etc. instead of someone who is wealthier, better looking, etc. You will be a better person for it because you will be grateful for what you have instead of envious over what someone else has.
     
  12. lopo2000

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    God man, I'm 23 and I feel envious enough that others enjoy things that I really want to enjoy like being in a relationship, and you're 31, I understand what you must be going through with all these questions.

    But, lately I learnt something valuable, that there is a right time for everything. My lecturer is only recently married at her 40's and I'm sure before she is, she would always occupy her mind with a lot of what-if's. But then, the right time came and it's time for her to get married.

    So, maybe it's not time for you yet, but I'm sure someone out there is made for you, you just have to live your life and make the efforts so your path will cross his, and then the time will come for you to be happy together...

    Well, I'm speaking for myself too... All the best for us both...
     
  13. AlphaSpartan

    AlphaSpartan New Member

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    Fear is the greatest enemy of progress. Who cares what some random people will think of you. I live in a mediumish sized city where you'd think it would be so small you'd run into people all the time. Honestly, 99% of the cars I see on the road I never see again (and believe me, as a car enthusiast - I notice all of 'em).

    Everyone else is worrying about what society thinks about them anyway, no time to worry about a stranger. Get out and don't be afraid to live. Would you rather get to the end of your life and say "Wow, that could have been a lot better." or "Holy crap, how am I still alive?"

    It isn't easy but once you get the ball rolling momentum and inertia will take over.

    PS - If you're feeling middle aged at 30 I'd highly recommend a better diet and exercise. May seem like a drag but I do as much as I can and still love life.
     
    #13 AlphaSpartan, Mar 8, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2010
  14. finsuptx

    finsuptx New Member

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    Straight or gay can not define happiness. Happiness, I believe comes from participation in life. Be it marriage, raising a family (even if the lil ungrateful bastards fight over your estate before you're dead) or philanthropic endeavors; what matters in the end I think is how you participated in the dance.

    You are 31, go live life and worry about if it made you happen when it's all said and done.
     
  15. latinluva

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    I'm bisexual, and thought I was gay when I had a bf a few years back. Then I had some good pussy again and couldn't believe I loved cock sooo much. Now I am sooo grateful to enjoy both and love both so much. Each person is different.
     
  16. Stephenmass

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    I know some older than myself gay couples and some my own age. The relationships themselves are the same as a straight relationship. Some last, some don't, etc. The only thing that I have heard some gay couples wish for (the older ones anyway) is their wish to have their own biological children which if you are gay is not going to happen. I can understand that to be honest. I know you can adopt, I know you can implant a seed in a donor, etc., but it's just not the same they say. For those of you that might have kids by adoption or other methods that are gay, that is not meant as a slam to you whatsoever. Two of the couples that I know love their children as much as if they had them themself. Makes no difference to them whatsoever and I understand that too. I truly think the main thing Pup is to be able to fully accept who and what you are later in life and to be as happy as you can be. To me, life is too short to not be happy!
     
  17. D_Bela Boxwidener

    D_Bela Boxwidener New Member

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    You live you love and you learn. That is what life is about. The choices you make during this time is what makes up the journey. Don't be the one who waits in line to ride the roller coaster, and then backs out at the last minute. Get on and ride the hell out of it.
     
  18. billybones

    billybones Active Member

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    Only because society makes it easier for them to have those things when they reach that age. As long as you tell others to go fuck themselves and commit to getting what you want no matter what others think, then you can be just as happy when you get to that age. When I'm that age, I intend to have kids and maybe grandkids, and to have my husband sitting next to me on the couch.
     
  19. pwrdick

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    Hey Pup,

    I am only 51 but as I look ahead I feel really positive about how I will be situated in 20-30 years.

    We all have a biological family, and straight couples can produce their own. But as gay men we have the wonderful tradition of creating our own families of close friends. My close friends range from a 76 year old man who just entered assisted living to guys in their early 20's. When my partner and I host a holiday dinner, we usually have at least a dozen men around the tables who are my 'real' family - that is those I know I can always count on.

    We watch out for each other, give advice, help each other out based on our talents and needs. I have 7 siblings, all straight, and I think that we have equal liklihoods of having a wonderful older age because of our resources of 'family' by any defination.

    If you feel you have not been living as much as you can, you are the one who can control how full of a life you lead from this day forward.

    I have lived the last 17 years of my life under the assumption that my life could end at any time, and purposefully sought to do all the things I wanted to do within ten years (my life expectancy back then). I did fall dangerously ill 8 years later and was told that I was probably going to die in the impoverished South African rural hospital that I ended up in. Because I had focused on really living over those 8 years, I was fine when the doctor gave me that news. I was ready to go if it was my time.

    But he pulled me through and I'm still here!

    But always live you life so that when your time comes, you can say you have no regrets about what you wanted to do, or say, or experience.
     
    #19 pwrdick, Mar 9, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2010
  20. allun

    allun New Member

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    I do know if this the right thread for me to tell my history but it could be on-subject.
    I was 100% gay until I was 35,then met a woman I thought I could marry and have sex with.
    We married,sex was no problem,and had 3 kids,had no gay sex for 10 years, then I started regular gay sex with my two mates (both married) and many other men.all the time keeping regular intercourse with wife.
    Just last year at age 69 I stopped sex with her although still regular with men.
    Our kids are very close to us and each other phoning each, and us at least once a week.There is no suspicion of me being gay.
    I know all our situations and lives take varied paths but this is mine.
     
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