Online Dating "no Thank You" Responses

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286798

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I'm single and am struggling with online dating... not for lack of responses, but lack of appropriate responses. I'm pretty specific about myself and what I'm looking for, and often times, I get messages from people well outside those parameters (age, interests, etc). I recognize that it can be tough to put yourself out there and send a message, so I don't like to not respond, but I'm frustrated by what I get back. For example, if I say "thanks for your message, but I'm looking for someone younger/taller/closer... good luck on your search", sometimes I get a snarky response like "you're not that much younger" or "I'm not that far" or some other message that dismisses what I just said, so I stopped responding to those who didn't meet the criteria I stated in my profile. Sometimes, I get snarky responses that I'm a bitch for not replying. I feel like I can't win.

If I do get an appropriate match and start talking with a guy and for whatever reason he's not a good match for me, I am even more kind in how I say I'm not interested. This usually leads to numerous messages trying to get me to change my mind or telling me how my logic/opinion is wrong. If clearly/firmly restate my thoughts, I get called a bitch. If i don't say anything (because in my mind, the matter is closed), I get a minimum of 5 "hey", "hi", "are you there" type follow ups. Duuuuude- take a hint!

If you have any suggestions on how to deal with this... meaning what "no thank you" sayings would you accept best... I'd love to hear them.
 
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Tripod228mm

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My wife and I met on M....com, albeit a looong time ago. Women definitely have it "easier" in that for every 1 message a man gets, women get 50. But, women also have it "harder" in that they have to sort through much more riff-raff than guys. (That being said, it goes both ways. Though I hardly got any messages being male, the messages I got were ALL riff-raff until I met my wife.)

Just say you aren't interested and block them, ignore them, and move on. You owe them nothing. If they can't handle "no" the first time, be glad you are dodging the bullets now rather than later. They will get over it.
 
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Murphys

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Such seems like a difficult predicament. From what you describe, I think you’re handling the situation fine. How they want to respond is on them.

I’m wondering if maybe the site you’re using could be considered? Maybe there are sites that have more guided/controlled communication, which you somewhat permit a “weeding out” if you will.
 

cofrader

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I used an app and was frustrating never got anything from it.
It was strange to answer so many strange questions I’m a cat or dog person? Will someone pick me based on that?
Then getting a 90 percent match with an alien that has nothing that I was looking for. Then I looked on similar profiles and when I found something interesting no response. I always was picky, but I have a friend who would hit everything that moves online since he was quite shy he would literally copy paste the same greeting over hundreds of profiles and work in parallel with the few answering.
For me real life rules
 

thickcockjames

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In that situation, just don't reply. You're not obligated to reply, and trust me, women on dating sites (even the ones you don't find attractive) get plenty of messages, they are not feeling left out and probably won't notice that you don't message them back.
 
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thickcockjames

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I'm a chick and they're giving me a hard time when I don't reply to their "hey" or "hello" lame-ass message. They seem to think I'm obligated to reply. Sigh.

yeah, well those people are assholes. you (well, anyone) needs a reason why they aren't interested in someone and no one is entitled to that answer IMO. I can't stand it when people think they deserve something when it comes to dating. Outside of being respectful, you don't owe anyone a damn thing. :)
 

Gj816

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Online dating sites are tricky. As was stated above you're getting more responses than most men simply because you're a woman.

Ignore those who you are not interested in. Move on. You don't owe them any explanation.

When I've used dating sites. I've been precise in what I was looking for. For example I might say I am attracted more to petite women. Or maybe state some other interest. I might even say looking for a fwb.

I've been called an asshole for not wanting to date bigger women. Or I'm an idiot. That's their opinion. Dating sites don't necessarily have the best people on them. Good luck.
 
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1139089

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I'm single and am struggling with online dating... not for lack of responses, but lack of appropriate responses. I'm pretty specific about myself and what I'm looking for, and often times, I get messages from people well outside those parameters (age, interests, etc). I recognize that it can be tough to put yourself out there and send a message, so I don't like to not respond, but I'm frustrated by what I get back. For example, if I say "thanks for your message, but I'm looking for someone younger/taller/closer... good luck on your search", sometimes I get a snarky response like "you're not that much younger" or "I'm not that far" or some other message that dismisses what I just said, so I stopped responding to those who didn't meet the criteria I stated in my profile. Sometimes, I get snarky responses that I'm a bitch for not replying. I feel like I can't win.

If I do get an appropriate match and start talking with a guy and for whatever reason he's not a good match for me, I am even more kind in how I say I'm not interested. This usually leads to numerous messages trying to get me to change my mind or telling me how my logic/opinion is wrong. If clearly/firmly restate my thoughts, I get called a bitch. If i don't say anything (because in my mind, the matter is closed), I get a minimum of 5 "hey", "hi", "are you there" type follow ups. Duuuuude- take a hint!

If you have any suggestions on how to deal with this... meaning what "no thank you" sayings would you accept best... I'd love to hear them.
You are over thinking. As long as ppl are protect by the internet anonymity and the lack of consequences, ppl will be bitches online.

For example, online dating never worked for me, but I tried Tinder when it as popular. I just choose all girls in my area at once and if I had a match I would answer the girl, but I if didn't I would probably just ignore her. Why? Because I just wanted to save time even though I never actually went on a date with someone from the app hehehe

Now, if you were polite and the person started cursing you because he didn't like the answer: he is not a nice guy. Move on. I assume you are after a minimum degree of education.
 
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HorseHung40's

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You could take one of several approaches:
1.) You can respond with "Thank you, but, no thank you - I do wish you luck though";
2.) Do not respond at all, and, hope that they can read minds, or, forget about you, because they have found someone more attractive than you, or, at least with a much bigger dick than anything you could hope to have;
3.) Go to the trouble of blocking them.

I would opt for the first one. It is the polite thing to do. You have, in all probability, never met this person, and, never will meet this person.
 
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286798

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I've said "thanks but no thanks" and no response... and have gotten snark in response.


at least with a much bigger dick than anything you could hope to have;
I can guarantee that they're gonna find a much bigger dick than anything I have because I'm a chick.

Sigh. I swear, I'm not sure how much more feminine my avatar could be.
 
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deleted1547822

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You could use a more generic "I don't think we'd be a good match", or something similar; to avoid implying what specifically they would consider a shortcoming (age, height, whatever). Think about it if the shoe were on the other foot. These are generic comments, not regarding you specifically, but think how any woman would respond to:

Thanks but I'm looking for someone a little younger/taller/shorter/prettier/with a bigger rack/more slender etc...

You get the idea. They're being rejected for whatever reason, which is always a blow to self confidence. Some reasons might poke a specific aspect they're self conscience about.

At the end of the day, it's not really about their response. It's how you feel about their response. You're being kind and not prompting the snarky replies, so it's just a matter of ignoring it and not taking it personally.
 

Reg

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Now, if you were polite and the person started cursing you because he didn't like the answer: he is not a nice guy. Move on. I assume you are after a minimum degree of education.

Education has nothing to do with it. There are educated pricks just like there are poorly educated pricks.
 
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286798

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You could use a more generic "I don't think we'd be a good match", or something similar; to avoid implying what specifically they would consider a shortcoming (age, height, whatever). Think about it if the shoe were on the other foot. These are generic comments, not regarding you specifically, but think how any woman would respond to:

Thanks but I'm looking for someone a little younger/taller/shorter/prettier/with a bigger rack/more slender etc...

You get the idea. They're being rejected for whatever reason, which is always a blow to self confidence. Some reasons might poke a specific aspect they're self conscience about.

At the end of the day, it's not really about their response. It's how you feel about their response. You're being kind and not prompting the snarky replies, so it's just a matter of ignoring it and not taking it personally.
I get what you're saying, but I only give specifics in cases where I've stated in my profile that they aren't what I'm looking for... age, distance, height, etc. And I appreciate the "not a match" suggestion, but when I've used that approach in the past, it's invariably followed by "why not?".

You're absolutely right that I am being kind and shouldn't take it personally when they're jerks, but it was bad enough that I'm already off the site. Less than 48 hours and I hit my BS limit. So many dudes who are JUST looking to get laid (I'm clear about my intent), are unwilling to respect my boundaries (I don't care that we're in a pandemic and nothing is open... no, you can't come to my house!), just message because I'm pretty and they aren't interested in getting to know me... I'd rather be alone than deal with the abundance of jerks. I am looking for a meaningful connection with a like-minded person, and I don't think that's where I'll find it.
 
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1139089

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I get what you're saying, but I only give specifics in cases where I've stated in my profile that they aren't what I'm looking for... age, distance, height, etc. And I appreciate the "not a match" suggestion, but when I've used that approach in the past, it's invariably followed by "why not?".

You're absolutely right that I am being kind and shouldn't take it personally when they're jerks, but it was bad enough that I'm already off the site. Less than 48 hours and I hit my BS limit. So many dudes who are JUST looking to get laid (I'm clear about my intent), are unwilling to respect my boundaries (I don't care that we're in a pandemic and nothing is open... no, you can't come to my house!), just message because I'm pretty and they aren't interested in getting to know me... I'd rather be alone than deal with the abundance of jerks. I am looking for a meaningful connection with a like-minded person, and I don't think that's where I'll find it.
I wouldn't be so harsh. Come on... we all know you need to cross the fields of shit with those tools, but they have their purpose. I heard of of ppl who found their soul mate with such tools. And some ppl who have difficulty in RL with meeting a partner can make great use of online dating.

I knew many interesting ppl who tried online dating. Who knows what will happen to you? Every attempt is valid.
 

Sagittarius84

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I dont think youll ever avoid some measure of snark from some percentage of men you reject; it comes with the territory of interacting on a potentially romantic/sexual basis.
My only advice is to mind your own p's and q's and simply make any and all rejections general with no need for follow up. People, right or wrong tend to attach their self confidence to aspects of their physical being. If I were dating online and giving rejections to women(in the nicest way possible) based upon things like weight(too big), age(too old) or sexual history(too much), I might not get the same volume of snarky responses but I can probably rest assured I incited just as much of the same bad feelings which are probably going to fuck it up for the next guy(s).
 

Sagittarius84

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One could also opt to initiate instead of respond as assuming the risk of rejection gives far more power to control how it is handled than doling it out.
 
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286798

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I wouldn't be so harsh. Come on... we all know you need to cross the fields of shit with those tools, but they have their purpose. I heard of of ppl who found their soul mate with such tools. And some ppl who have difficulty in RL with meeting a partner can make great use of online dating.

I knew many interesting ppl who tried online dating. Who knows what will happen to you? Every attempt is valid.
I deleted that particular app. Wrong audience or vibe.

Bumble is more my speed since the woman must initiate conversation after both parties have indicated interest... although I've been on it for a bit and I think the algorithms are working against me and I have decided to take a break. It's not like it's an easy time to meet new people with inability to meet for coffee/a drink in a public place. Heck, even public parks are closed where I am. I'm ok with it... probably a good time to reset and do some self reflection.
 
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286798

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People, right or wrong tend to attach their self confidence to aspects of their physical being. If I were dating online and giving rejections to women(in the nicest way possible) based upon things like weight(too big), age(too old) or sexual history(too much), I might not get the same volume of snarky responses but I can probably rest assured I incited just as much of the same bad feelings which are probably going to fuck it up for the next guy(s).
Here's the thing... if I say I'm looking for 39-55, and a 24 year old messages me, why is it MY fuck up? If I say that I want someone within 50 miles and some guy 3 states away pesters me, why should I have to coddle him for his lack of reading comprehension or sense of entitlement that he's special enough to throw away my desire for more than a pen pal? It's beyond frustrating that men seem to place the burden of their self worth/self confidence on women's shoulders. How about some personal accountability? Maybe men feel the same way about women. I dunno. I just don't hear of women being assholes to men in response, though. Maybe I'm expecting too much for people to just be civil. Sigh.

I do recognize that I'm a desirable "target"... I am attractive, have a good job, enjoy a lot of things that men like (sports, bourbon, cars, etc.), don't have much baggage (no kids, no ex-drama), don't need a man to pay my bills/put a roof over my head... and that results in a lot of messages. On one hand, it's a good problem to have, but I am a kind person who wants to be gentle in my rejections so it can suck for me. Maybe I shouldn't care. Anyhoooo- to try to get this back on track... my original question was a request for specific ways to say "no thank you" that you (meaning men) would receive well. What phrases "thanks but no thanks" phrases would close the door kindly?
 
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deleted1547822

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The chase is part of the dating game, and women have contributed as much to conditioning men to be this way as anybody. Men are taught that women will be coy or play hard to get, so they need to redouble their effort. Some men are more awkward or persistent than others.

There is no “thanks but no thanks” phrase for that type of person you’re asking about. You can be mean or nice, but the end result is the same - ignoring them. All you can do is deal with it in a way you’re comfortable with.

—edit—

BTW, people put their self worth in the hands of others; not just men and not just women. What is “do you think I’m pretty?”, “Why hasn’t he called”, “do these jeans make my butt look big”? Putting self worth in the hands of others.
 
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