Let me start by outlining the basic issues in the marriage. 4 months ago i would have thought it was that i was sex starved and that was the only main issue. We have very little sex together - maybe like 2-3x a year. This issues started right from the beginning when he was fingering me and i moved his hand to a better place for me. He freaked out and felt like i was telling him he wasn't good enough or didn't know what he was doing. I just moved his hand - in all my previous experience, this is actually somewhat of a turn on for a man. But, not for him hand he has never touched my vagina with his fingers since. I've not had foreplay in 12 years. He has though. Over the years i have worked hard to change our sex life. I haver tried showing him, i've tried asking him, i've tried toys, books, videos, etc. He is bascially a missionary position, primal needs met type of guy. i am very sexual and love many different things. I woke one day 2 years ago, and decided i cannot fathom living my life without sex. I was willing to give up everything because life without sex is truly unthinkable. He needs his needs met too. We both deserve this in our lives and agree it's time we get it. Because we've never had this i'm not sure we ever could. He is akward with me and at this point it's so NOT sexy i can't go there to build it.
but, he's a great guy and we get along very well. We rarely fight and over the past 4 months of discussions, have learned an awful lot about each other (he started thereapy) and our communication is better than ever.
Our rules may be bad rules. which is why i posted here. This is new for us and i've never known anyone who did it before. I want to know what works and what doesn't. We may learn as we go. It may not work at all. And if it doesn't, we're not worse off than the divorce we were ready to have anyway.
I'm not bothered by thoughts of him with other women - not at all. But, i'ts him i'm worried about, thinking about me with other men. He freaked out when i wanted a vibrator for goodness sake. If he were to be the first one then i think he'd be more open to it for me. It's a whole weird concept to me and i'm just not sure what to think about it all.
But, i sure do appreciate the comments and ideas. I"m going to share them all with him to spur on more discussions.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.