Open marriage

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by badgirl22, Dec 2, 2008.

  1. badgirl22

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    Are there any of you out there with open marriages? Can you share with me how this works? My husband has agreed to try this before rushing into divorce (is it likely to end in one anyway?) but i'm not sure how to actually carry this out. We made several ground rules such as: no one local (small town), don't discuss encounters, don't ask where each other is going when we say we're going out (even if it's just to the grocery store), etc. I have no idea if these are good or make sense. I think this is a great idea but not sure how hubby will react to actually knowing i'm having sex with another man. I may have an opportunity to go spend the night with another man but i feel funny being the first to actually do this (knowingly that is). I'm afraid to hurt hubby's feelings.

    Any insight as to how to make this work without hurting each other would be helpful. Actually, any stories, good and bad would be great.

    Thanks for your help
     
  2. B_Jennuine73

    B_Jennuine73 New Member

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    I am in an open marriage. It's been open for the 11yrs we've been married.

    I think the only way an open marriage works is with LOTS of communication. If you plan on doing it the "don't ask, don't tell" way, I don't know what to say to that. I think that would cause problems.

    First and biggest question is, do you love him? Does he know this? Does he know how to be that unselfish? Do you? I know you've had issues with him not wanting sex, how will you feel if he starts porking a bunch of chicks? (yes, I am female LOL).

    My husband and I are honest with each other. It wouldn't work any other way. Even if something may hurt the other one's feelings, we are honest and talk about it.

    That's my 2 cents.
     
  3. Trouty

    Trouty New Member

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    Good Luck. Never heard of one of these lasting the distance (with the exception of the poster above)
     
  4. B_bi_mmf

    B_bi_mmf New Member

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    My wife and I had an open marriage up until we got busy with kids. It worked well for us, and it also included a number of MMF relationships that satisfied my bi nature to its core.

    I agree with Jenn that the most important part of "open" is open communication between and your husband. Your proposed groundrules do not appear to be workable to me.

    There also seems to be considerable uncertainty about motives and expectations (e.g., fears about who goes first).

    What specific problem(s) in the marriage is this arrangement intended to solve? Some basic issues are unclear to me from what you describe.

    Anyway, I wish you the best.
     
    #4 B_bi_mmf, Dec 3, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2008
  5. Principessa

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    What I do find interesting is that most, not all but most of the people who say it is great and works well for them on this site are female. Why is that? :confused:

    Also, for the couples who are members here and swear they are happy in an open marriage, it seems to have been a mutual idea that was perhaps hesitantly broached to the other. Then the other spouse is like, "great I was thinking the same thing." This doesn't seem to be the case for the OP. :frown1:

    FWIW: I don't go for the whole open relationship thing, married or not. Call me a prude, jealous, whatever, I don't care. It's just who I am.

    If an open marriage works for you it's no skin off my back.
     
  6. badgirl22

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    Let me start by outlining the basic issues in the marriage. 4 months ago i would have thought it was that i was sex starved and that was the only main issue. We have very little sex together - maybe like 2-3x a year. This issues started right from the beginning when he was fingering me and i moved his hand to a better place for me. He freaked out and felt like i was telling him he wasn't good enough or didn't know what he was doing. I just moved his hand - in all my previous experience, this is actually somewhat of a turn on for a man. But, not for him hand he has never touched my vagina with his fingers since. I've not had foreplay in 12 years. He has though. Over the years i have worked hard to change our sex life. I haver tried showing him, i've tried asking him, i've tried toys, books, videos, etc. He is bascially a missionary position, primal needs met type of guy. i am very sexual and love many different things. I woke one day 2 years ago, and decided i cannot fathom living my life without sex. I was willing to give up everything because life without sex is truly unthinkable. He needs his needs met too. We both deserve this in our lives and agree it's time we get it. Because we've never had this i'm not sure we ever could. He is akward with me and at this point it's so NOT sexy i can't go there to build it.

    but, he's a great guy and we get along very well. We rarely fight and over the past 4 months of discussions, have learned an awful lot about each other (he started thereapy) and our communication is better than ever.

    Our rules may be bad rules. which is why i posted here. This is new for us and i've never known anyone who did it before. I want to know what works and what doesn't. We may learn as we go. It may not work at all. And if it doesn't, we're not worse off than the divorce we were ready to have anyway.

    I'm not bothered by thoughts of him with other women - not at all. But, i'ts him i'm worried about, thinking about me with other men. He freaked out when i wanted a vibrator for goodness sake. If he were to be the first one then i think he'd be more open to it for me. It's a whole weird concept to me and i'm just not sure what to think about it all.

    But, i sure do appreciate the comments and ideas. I"m going to share them all with him to spur on more discussions.

    Thank you for taking the time to respond.
     
  7. B_bi_mmf

    B_bi_mmf New Member

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    It sounds to me as if your husband has sexual hang-ups that are pretty severe.

    That he would react so strongly to you offering him a little direction is difficult to understand. I am not a therapist, but it seems to me that your husband has feelings of sexual inadequacy and an inability to integrate sexual expression into your relationship. Nothing that you have said indicates to me that you somehow feed those feelings of inadequacy (or fear, or guilt, or whatever negative is going on with him sexually), but hopefully you will be able to help him out of this.

    If other parts of your life together are as good as you describe, then I would say therapy and trying to work things out should be pursued. But it seems unlikely to me that, with this huge gulf between you sexually, having sex with other people is going to improve things on the domestic front.

    Some couples do have relationships that are strong on many levels but they look entirely outside of the marriage for fulfillment sexually. Perhaps that will work for you. But I am skeptical about such arrangements, especially in our culture when the woman is interested in going elsewhere for sex.
     
  8. BobLeeSwagger

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    Switching to an open marriage will not prevent you from getting a divorce. It's not a fix for a problematic relationship. If you can't address the problems in your marriage, then it won't last whether you try to open it up or not.

    Open relationships require even more trust and communication than most do. It doesn't sound like you don't have either of those at this point, unfortunately.
     
  9. D_skeaflea

    D_skeaflea New Member

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    Yeah. . .this is just my opinion and everything, but the idea of being in an open marriage weirds me out. If my spouse were to ever ask me "Hey, can I start fucking other people?", i'd actually be quite hurt and offended.
     
  10. Leche por mi cafe

    Leche por mi cafe New Member

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    I think open relationships or marriages are fantastic. I was in an open relationship. However, I feel it may not be for you: at least not now. It seems your husband has a lot of issues that he has to work out (It's good to hear that he is going to therapy). Have you guys ever considered going to couples/sexualility counseling? It may help your husband better understand that having some sexual guidance from your spouse is a great thing. He's not a mind reader how could he possibly know what turns you on with out your guidance? For me, I would be so turned on if my partner would show me what turns them on. This to me is a true sign of my partner wanting me to stick around for life. If it was just a fuck, we would just get it over with then move on with our lives.

    ...and as for the "don't ask, don't tell"...that would just create more problems. Trust would be out the door in a milisecond. COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION is the eighth wonder of the world!!!
     
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