Open Marriages

canadian_guy486

Worshipped Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2011
Posts
1,037
Media
0
Likes
14,176
Points
443
Location
Canada
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
This may have been asked before, but I’ve always been curious about this. Why do you get married to someone to then have an open marriage? I can’t even count how many times I will see a cute photo on Instagram of a loving gay couple, then find their alt Twitter or only fans, where they are getting sucked off by someone definitely not their husband, or their husband getting railed by some other guy. I just don’t understand the point of marrying someone to then have various sexual relationships outside that marriage? If you agree on an open relationship, sure that’s fine, but why bring marriage into it? I may be alone in this, but when I think of marriage, to me that means you are choosing to be with that one person and that person only forever. You are committed to them and you don’t want to be with anyone else but them. You want to grow old with them and live your lives together “til death do you part”. So then why do so many gays have husbands and then fuck everyone and their brother on the side? Like what’s the point? Is it so that you always have someone to go home to so you’re never totally alone? Like I said, if you want to be in an open relationship and it’s mutual, all the power to you. I just can’t wrap my head around why you would go through the process of something so official like marrying someone and still be in an open relationship. I’ve only been with a few guys in my life and I’m currently in my first and only long term committed relationship, so maybe I’m just naive? I know gay culture has the stigma that everyone just hooks up with everyone, so maybe I am naive.

Just curious if anyone, especially those in an open marriage, would like to give their thoughts on this topic?
 

cedarizzo

Superior Member
Joined
Apr 15, 2013
Posts
1,495
Media
34
Likes
6,513
Points
533
Location
Champaign, IL, USA
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
I'm not married, but my partner and I have been together for almost 12 years. To me, a marriage/partnership is not about being locked into having sex with 1 person for the rest of my life. Sex and Love are 2 totally different concepts/ideas and too many people seem to lump them together.

When my partner and I are together, it is always just him and me for sex. But we live apart and we both know that sometimes we have needs or things happen. We have agreed that having an open relationship is much better than one of us (or both) cheating and lying about it. The biggest issue we had at first was jealousy. But once we both got over the jealousy part, it worked out much better. I don't want or need to know the details of what happened. We've both talked about it and we both agree that as long as remain discreet about doing it and remain from making attachments with the other guy(s), it is fair game. And we always come first when we are together, it never comes between us.

My last partner and I had a very intense and wild sexual life. We often had 3 (or more)ways. We both loved including others in our sex life. We enjoyed watching the other having sex with others. We didn't have necessarily have an open relationship, but we both knew that it might happen sometimes and we accepted that.
 

winesthel945

Legendary Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jan 19, 2016
Posts
559
Media
13
Likes
1,896
Points
313
Location
San Francisco (California, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
You have a very narrow definition of marriage, relationship, and commitment. That's ok, many people do. Your error is in assuming that your view is the "correct" one and thus defining anything falling outside of that as wrong. And the sad part is that such a restrictive definition means that human nature and desires will always constantly be on a collision course with that definition of what is acceptable. Many defenders of mandatory monogamy will unironically say, "sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, it's about love and commitment" while also saying, "sexual fidelity is so important that one breach can invalidate decades of relationship." That is inherently contradictory.

Monogamy, as a cultural concept, is derived from questions of property ownership, combined with the belief that women were owned by their parents and ownership was transferred to their husband. It then evolved into some sort of sense of the moral superiority of being with only one person at a time. If you have a little time (~35 minutes), this conversation is pretty enlightening: advice columnist Dan Savage talking with Esther Perel, author of “Mating in Captivity.” Dan and Esther take long hard look at the history of human relationships and our culture’s obsession with monogamy.

https://overcast.fm/+GeYbxRhmo/45:45

An excerpt:

Savage: Meg Barker writes that the pressure to perfectly execute monogamy over the lifetime of a marriage, half a century or more, makes every monogamous relationship a disaster waiting to happen. [...] Monogamy is the only standard for success. You did it perfectly or you are terrible at it. I get in trouble for telling people that if you're with someone for 50 years and they only cheated on you once or twice or three times, they were good at monogamy, not bad at monogamy.

Perel: For most of history, monogamy had nothing to do with love, and was primarily an imposition on women. Monogamy has never been an equal gender proposition. Men practically have a license to cheat, they have a whole series of theories that justify why they are natural roamers. Women were created as a domestic creature that never wants to go anywhere -- and I don't understand why she gets locked up everywhere if she never wants to go anywhere, but that's another thing. Monogamy was basically an economic imposition in order to know whose children are and who gets the cows when I die. It's about patrimony and lineage. Then it was one person for life. Then it moved to one person at a time. A woman told me: "I was monogamous in my two marriages and with my three boyfriends since." I am monogamous in all my relationships.

Savage: Serial monogamy.

Perel: The concept changed, that it's one person at a time, not one person for life. When we used to marry and have sex for the first time, monogamy meant one thing. But today you marry and stop having sex with others, monogamy means something else. Exclusivity, coming after 10 years of sexual nomadism is very different from exclusivity that comes from coming as a virgin to marriage and then having your first and only experience for life. These terms are fluid.​


I would also recommend reading this article, which explores the ideas that while monogamy may be great for some people, some level of "infidelity" may actually be what helps some relationships survive where sexual needs may differ or change over time: Married, With Infidelities (Published 2011).

In short, monogamy may work for you, and if so, great! But it may not work for everyone, and defining it as the ONLY acceptable form of relationship makes it an impediment that, for a lot of people, will cause them to always be on the wrong side of an unrealistic standard and thus always feel like they're failing at something that isn't right for them.
 

dancinfool

Admired Member
Verified
Gold
Cammer
Joined
May 16, 2004
Posts
131
Media
11
Likes
794
Points
598
Location
Providence (Rhode Island, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
You have a very narrow definition of marriage, relationship, and commitment. That's ok, many people do. Your error is in assuming that your view is the "correct" one and thus defining anything falling outside of that as wrong. And the sad part is that such a restrictive definition means that human nature and desires will always constantly be on a collision course with that definition of what is acceptable. Many defenders of mandatory monogamy will unironically say, "sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, it's about love and commitment" while also saying, "sexual fidelity is so important that one breach can invalidate decades of relationship." That is inherently contradictory.

Monogamy, as a cultural concept, is derived from questions of property ownership, combined with the belief that women were owned by their parents and ownership was transferred to their husband. It then evolved into some sort of sense of the moral superiority of being with only one person at a time. If you have a little time (~35 minutes), this conversation is pretty enlightening: advice columnist Dan Savage talking with Esther Perel, author of “Mating in Captivity.” Dan and Esther take long hard look at the history of human relationships and our culture’s obsession with monogamy.

https://overcast.fm/+GeYbxRhmo/45:45

An excerpt:

Savage: Meg Barker writes that the pressure to perfectly execute monogamy over the lifetime of a marriage, half a century or more, makes every monogamous relationship a disaster waiting to happen. [...] Monogamy is the only standard for success. You did it perfectly or you are terrible at it. I get in trouble for telling people that if you're with someone for 50 years and they only cheated on you once or twice or three times, they were good at monogamy, not bad at monogamy.

Perel: For most of history, monogamy had nothing to do with love, and was primarily an imposition on women. Monogamy has never been an equal gender proposition. Men practically have a license to cheat, they have a whole series of theories that justify why they are natural roamers. Women were created as a domestic creature that never wants to go anywhere -- and I don't understand why she gets locked up everywhere if she never wants to go anywhere, but that's another thing. Monogamy was basically an economic imposition in order to know whose children are and who gets the cows when I die. It's about patrimony and lineage. Then it was one person for life. Then it moved to one person at a time. A woman told me: "I was monogamous in my two marriages and with my three boyfriends since." I am monogamous in all my relationships.

Savage: Serial monogamy.

Perel: The concept changed, that it's one person at a time, not one person for life. When we used to marry and have sex for the first time, monogamy meant one thing. But today you marry and stop having sex with others, monogamy means something else. Exclusivity, coming after 10 years of sexual nomadism is very different from exclusivity that comes from coming as a virgin to marriage and then having your first and only experience for life. These terms are fluid.​


I would also recommend reading this article, which explores the ideas that while monogamy may be great for some people, some level of "infidelity" may actually be what helps some relationships survive where sexual needs may differ or change over time: Married, With Infidelities (Published 2011).

In short, monogamy may work for you, and if so, great! But it may not work for everyone, and defining it as the ONLY acceptable form of relationship makes it an impediment that, for a lot of people, will cause them to always be on the wrong side of an unrealistic standard and thus always feel like they're failing at something that isn't right for them.

This is a fantastic response. I’m married and my husband and I happen to be monogamous. Not out of any sort of antiquated notion of marriage and monogamy, but because we thought about it a lot, communicated about our wants and needs, and decided that having an open relationship wasn’t something we wanted. Queer relationships are gifts in that regard: we get to construct a version of life for ourselves that suits our needs. And, most importantly, we get to articulate those needs through open communication.

Marriage means different things to different people. Sure, you could look at gay marriage as being a heteronormative aspiration, but until legal protections surrounding property, financial security, privacy, and shared legal rights is completely divorced from marriage (as a religious construct), it remains the only way to truly protect yourself and your partner in case of enormous tragedy or legal/medical hardship. I happen to like marriage because of what it means in my specific faith. That interpretation is wildly different from how it exists in many (most) other faiths. I also love the security it affords my husband and I.

Regarding open marriages more specifically, it’s impossible to truly pass judgement as there are infinitely as many definitions of “open” as there are to “marriage” more generally speaking. When it comes down to it, people should be able to make the decisions that suit them, and their partners, best. And that should be rooted in honesty and communication. Even if someone doesn’t want to hear about the sexual adventures of their partner, that is a clearly defined boundary that dictates their partnership and how they communicate. To pass judgement on perceived infidelity in the case of an open arrangement is to misunderstand the point of partnership to begin with. I know many people in open marriages who have much healthier relationships than those who are in “closed” ones.

I’d also challenge the notion that open marriages are exclusive to gay men. They exist everywhere….
 

Infernal

Superior Member
Joined
Sep 19, 2008
Posts
3,566
Media
7
Likes
5,139
Points
593
Age
54
Location
Phoenix, Arizona, United States of America
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
Any relationship between two adults is up to them to define. I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for 7. We have an open marriage. Sex between us is something we share because we love each other. Sex with others is completely different. The purpose isn't to express love, or intimacy, or romance, or anything else. It's to get off. My husband has a high sex drive and I can't always accommodate his needs. Him going elsewhere for a bit of cock remove a huge amount of stress in our relationship. He was able to get his needs satisfied and not be frustrated with me about it. He's also very quick on the trigger and can't handle getting fucked once he cums. It can take me a while sometimes and it was frustrating for me to have to stop when he came and then not be able to get off myself. Sometimes a quick fuck is fine, but sometimes I want to fuck someone long and hard for more than 5 minutes. Fucking someone else satisfies my needs and then I'm not frustrated when he's done and I have to stop. Sometimes I just want to suck some cock, and he really just likes to get fucked. Finding cock to suck gives me an outlet that he doesn't enjoy.

Any successful open relationship is about communication and compromise.