Open Relationship?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by schwulboy1989, Nov 7, 2010.

  1. schwulboy1989

    schwulboy1989 Active Member

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    How do I tell my boyfriend of 8 months that I want an open relationship, at least temporarily?

    I'm still really sexually exploratory, but he knows what he wants and that's the end of that story. I just don't know how to tell him that doesn't make me think that I love him any less...

    Anyone been through anything similar?

    -SB1989
     
  2. haulthat

    haulthat Member

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    An open relationship isn't something that is fair to negotiate 8 months into a relationship. I'm not saying you cant do it, I am just stating its not fair to expect him to stay with you if you ask him if that will fly and he doesn't want that. There is a chance he secretly wants an open relationship too and just doesn't want to have to ask you because hes scared. In any relationship, open or not, a key aspect is being on the same page and honest with your mate. So just let him know that its something you want, explain why, and also clearly explain why you wan't that rather than just leave him to go and have sex with others. Do some research too, I am not a pro on the open relationship topic but there has to be an understanding as to what is cool and what is not. Don't assume just because you stamp that label on it he is going to be cool with you sleeping with anyone or everyone. When, who, and how are all fair to make specific if your going to stay in a relationship with him.

     
  3. erratic

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    He hit the nail on the head with this one. Changing the rules of a relationship in mid stream puts the onus entirely on the person who wants to change the status quo. If he doesn't agree you either happily suck it up, or (if sucking it up is a no-go for you, which is totally cool because it's your life and you're too young and un-married to settle) you end it like a gentleman.

    There's no sure-fire way to ask for an open relationship. Sit him down, explain what you want and why. If it's negotiable, let him know up front. "This doesn't have to happen, but..." If it's not, make sure to let him know you're telling him ASAP so you don't lead him on. You care about him and don't want to lie to him. And tell him, to the best of your abilities, exactly what you're looking for. "Open relationship" can mean a lot of things. You might mean "occasional threesome" while he's thinking "relationships on the side".

    Fucking your relationship up is the risk you take, but better to get it out in the open now and suffer a shitstorm than drag them out and turn it in to a total catastrophe.

    On the other hand, he's a dude. There's a decent chance he'll come around.
     
    #3 erratic, Nov 7, 2010
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2010
  4. Thirdlegproduction

    Thirdlegproduction Formerly WhiteMonst3r
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    this doesnt even sound like asking for an open relationship but for approval of cheating.

    im all for open relationships but this doesnt sound anything like it.

    temporarily and after 8 months?
     
  5. zaragoza

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    I have to agree with this,8 months is a very short time,and you also run the risk of him breaking up with you.

    And a very important question here,why do you want an open relationship?
     
  6. exwhyzee

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    Sort of.

    I was in a long term relationship of 2 years-ish, and in various casual conversations it was pretty clear that my partner had A LOT more experience than I had. That established, he encouraged me to express my curiosity about sexuality, and I did...some of it being with different kinds of guys. He stated that if I were ever to meet a guy that I wanted to explore more with, that I should do it as opportunities were presented. I remember feeling at the the time that his encouragement felt like an open relationship would spice up our sex-life...a life that I was more or less content with, but he found too limiting.

    His best friend had a crush on me, and a few months later he ended up being the first guy to give me a blow job since my boyf and I met...probably not a good choice as a sex partner, but it was the opportunity that was presented to me. My boyf felt a bit stung, and a few months later hooked up with a guy when I was out of town. When I got back home he announced he wanted to break up, and that began a chain of events that resulted in lots of hard feelings that go beyond the subject of the thread...but you get the picture that the relationship went into a tailspin.

    I suppose what I learned through the process is to step back and ask yourself if the interest in an open relationship is meant as a personal alternative to the relationship, or a mutual enhancement. I know there are lots of folks on this site who are advocates of open relationships, and they can tell you about ground rules and methods that work for them. I am utterly curious and fascinated by their sex lives...but I realize that it probably isn't something that I will ever be able to wrap my head, heart, and soul around.
     
  7. schwulboy1989

    schwulboy1989 Active Member

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    What's the difference, really?
     
  8. schwulboy1989

    schwulboy1989 Active Member

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    A number of reasons, which I'll explain even though everyone has made great points that I hadn't considered and I'm really second guessing the whole Idea...

    1- My boyfriend and I haven't had sex in 2 months, immediately following him having been out of town for the 3 months prior to that. I think that between his absence over the summer and the dry spell, we had sex a grand total of twice in a 3 week period. There might have been a blowjob or two thrown in there. Then nothing, for weeks...and then finally 2 months.
    -The first time I asked him why, which was not far in to that dry-spell, he said that his sex drive just hasn't been up lately.
    -When I asked him why a second time, he said it was because "our sexual styles are too different- you want really passionate, serious, *rawr* sex; and I want sex that's 'fun' and 'lighthearted'...so I figured it would be easier to stop having sex entirely".

    2- My boyfriend only tops. Period. I'm versatile with a propensity toward bottoming, and while I really enjoy sex with him, there's a whole aspect of my sexuality I'm unable to explore. He has made it abundantly clear that he will never again bottom, and dropping hints that I want to top offends him, and makes him really tense.

    3- I only get to see him 2 days/week (he lives about 20 minutes away, and I'm in school). He's usually astoundingly busy during those 2 days, and by the time we get home from the end of a long day at the shop, any sexual advances are usually met with distance or lack of enthusiasm.

    I don't want to break up with him. I don't want to stop having sex with him, or ruin what we have. But it's INCREDIBLY tempting to find something on the side.

    We're in limbo right now, anyway. We're not technically together, and we're not technically broken up, but this is something that's been on my mind for a while. I suppose that while we're trying to figure out where we stand might be the best time to bring this up, that way we're already sort of broken up, and this would only be something that solidifies it. There's been a lot of emotional strain on my half of the relationship, and I'm really just exhausted.

    Maybe what I need right now is something other than a relationship entirely. Maybe I should let him go before I hurt him, and I'll just happily have sex with a friend with benefits.

    I suppose REALLY, that the only fair thing I CAN do is explain the feelings I've been having, and let him decide what to do with them. We're already sitting on the fence (by my decision)- what's a push to one side or the other?
    ...Besides, giving him a bit of the control in this situation might make it a little easier for him in the long run...
     
  9. schwulboy1989

    schwulboy1989 Active Member

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    I'm sorry to hear that, Ex! That must have been terrible to go through :/

    You bring up a valid point. I suppose, in a way, this really is closer to a relationship alternative. But I suppose it's important to say that I don't want to date other guys...just have occasional sex with them. And not random hookups with guys I just met 20 minutes ago, but with people I already know and trust- something that's just fun, and between friends, with no more gravity than two friends getting each other off.

    I suppose the real question is how to tell my boyfriend that he doesn't quite sexually satisfy me without offending him????? Maybe a break up really is what we need :frown1:
     
  10. helgaleena

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    Under the circumstances you outline, it's actually unreasonable IMO for him to expect you to be monogamous. Are you supposed to confine yourself to masturbation for half a year, waiting around for him?

    If you have not discussed this, do it ASAP. And make no promises to each other about 'temporarily' either. Life changes much too fast for things to be that predictable once a relationship is officially 'open'.

    Also consider the very probable situation that he is cheating on you with somebody when he's out of town and simply not admitting it, as a controlling tactic. This of course does not give you a good reason to be dishonest with him, but it sounds awfully likely under the circumstances. A total top may think he needs to be in charge of more layers of the relationship than just your bed time, but it's never fair on you to be lied to.
     
  11. cfl_sugarmonkey

    cfl_sugarmonkey New Member

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    And therein lies the root of all confusion regarding Open Relationships...

    I'll lay it out there: I have never, I repeat NEVER taken the time to post responses on messageboards or forums of any flavor...wait for it...BUT, with this big idea of "open relationships" now having become a trendy, household term for every horny lil bugger out there, I'd like to respond to this in a straight up, no bullshit fashion:

    I am one of the overwhelmingly few MEN on this planet who is fortunate to enjoy what can truly be described as an "OR". That's right, OVERWHELMINGLY FEW!!! The idea that this is something current and trendy to "try" is analogous to cultivating a precision targeting of the existing relationship's END. This is not child's play; this is serious shit...that is, if you want the current relationship to have any chance of survival.

    Asking for an OR after 8 months is a reflection of how little value is held in the current relationship; it's simply a rediculous line of thought that after less than one year you honestly think you can approach your SO (who has already stated thier happiness with things as they are) with the idea of you getting laid by someone else and expect that person to welcome your soiled ass back home with open arms and make you breakfast? Seriously??? You need to come clean in the mirror, my friend: you're just horny! I've got the drop on this sitch: you have a case of the stickies for someone and you want to play it, but you don't want to risk getting caught and suffer the consequences. Face reality: you aren't fooling anyone...your SO, friends...everyone you know will tell you the same thing.

    I've been very happily married for 22 years; 15 years before it was ever even considered and that's only after almost three years of discussing feelings, fears and possibilities. (Yes, she enjoys herself with other men just as I enjoy other ladies; you should expect nothing less than full on reciprocation) Regardless of the bullshit you've glossed over in magazines or advice columns, an OR is an EXCEPTIONALLY RARE situation where BOTH parties in the core relationship have laid bare (no pun) thier wants, needs, desires, freaks, fetishes and fears with complete honesty and humility and with no exceptions or alterior motivation. I have personal experience with the dangers and they are constant, I might add...there's never a time when it gets "safe" for the core relationship; you can NEVER become complacent or ignorant. Situational awareness is of the utmost importance in any OR; you must posess the psychological skillset to detect and determine the health of the core relationship AT ALL TIMES and you MUST be willing to END the external relationship at any time UNCONDITIONALLY, no quesions asked. Period.

    I have born personal witess to the bitter and heartbreaking end of happy homes, families and marriages as well as domestic partnerships over this very subject. FAR too many approached "trying" an OR only to be overcome with the miriad of associated complications suh as resentments, jealousies & fears. Trust me on this: you cannot "unring the bell" and no one, I repeat NO ONE is immune. I've heard all the "but we're more mature than to let that come between us" lines of bullshit a million times...and it ALWAYS came from those relationships that ENDED in bitter and heartbreaking anguish.

    IF you give one iota about your existing relationship, you'll step back from this NOW. You've made it clear on TWO CRUCIAL items that this is the prescribed END of your existing relationship:
    1. Your SO states he's NOT INTERESTED. The read here is: NOT!
    2. You've placed on exhibit your inability to distinguish an OR with cheating. Nothing more to be said here; it speaks for itself.

    An open relationship consitutes TWO willing partners whom have committed themselves to the core relationship but who occasionally enjoy sex with others. JUST sex; not going on exclusive dates with the other man/woman or attending social outings/functions as a couple with the other party. BOTH committed partners MUST agree on foundation of non-negotiable rules, the very least of which is that the core relationship COMES FIRST in ALL cases; no questions asked.

    I could write all day long on this, therefore I'll take this opportunity to refer anyone who's still reading to the VERY BEST analytical writings and clear cut, straight up factual advice regarding an OR that I've ever found: Index for VarietalSex Site

    Take it from someone who's actually IN a successfull OR: this is your one-stop-shop for a no bullshit, "lay it all out there" information source on the subject.

    Just one piece of advice that is of crucial importance: as you read EVERYTHING at least twice, don't ever get caught thinking to yourself "but I'm (fill in your lame, bullshit excuse here)"...you aren't special & you aren't immune...you're just horny!

    PIECE
     
  12. helgaleena

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    Sugarmonkey, you say sooth. I am in an OR right now with two others and it takes playing fair by the rules with all cards out front. What those rules are must be spelled out completely from the earliest days. It was trial and error at first, but we all are in our fifties and have our own families already, that we do not tangle up together.
     
  13. curioustitan

    curioustitan Member

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    i have to say that i've been in love with more than one person at a particular time. However (personally) i would never be able to indulge in and fulfill any fantasies for another whilst in a committed relationship with someone.... Again this is a personal choice and doesn't necessarily apply to everyone, BUT i honestly believe that despite people's best efforts to engage in a purely physical 'open relationship', someone is most definitely going to suffer for it - emotionally, more than likely - later.
    In every relationship, i find that one person is always doing the 'heavy lifting' or giving a little more of themselves than their partner.... this will almost inevitably become the victim in said 'open relationship' whether or not the decision for such a relationship was agreed upon mutually.
    Again, while this train of thought might not apply to everyone, my advice (whether heeded or not) is to really consider the consequences of such a decision and the effect it might have on either of you.... who knows... you may be setting yourself up for terrible heartache when your partner (who by some miracle has acquiesced to your idea) finds himself falling for another.....
     
  14. lgtrmusr

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    OP has expanded the background of his question -- the header was this:
    "A number of reasons, which I'll explain even though everyone has made great points that I hadn't considered and I'm really second guessing the whole Idea..." a few posts back.

    My reaction to reading this was simply that I'm not at all sure that a mutually significant relationship exists now and the OP might well consider looking further for a mature, enduring relationship. At minimum the relationship does not sound sexually fulfilling or even compatible. The communication is strained. The time together is limited and empty. OP's possible fear of losing whatever benefits the relationship brings may be the only reason it exists at all.
    So, to OP, it is great that you are discussing this important and personal problem. Please continue. Unless I'm missing something, you appear to have lots of reasons to classify your present partner as a friend of sorts, and to move on.
     
  15. curiouscam

    curiouscam New Member

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    I would just say everything you have said here you should say to him. Lay all your cards out and see if there is some kind of middle ground you can find to satisfy you both. If you feel like you truly are not getting what you need out of this relationship then call it quits. (I know easier said than done) At least that way you have the freedom to find someone who does give you all that you need in every aspect of your life. Open relationships are not for everyone and the concept always sounds great till you are in it. Take it from someone in an open relationship it can get complicated fast especially when you really love the person. Save yourself and him the heartache and drama. Best of luck whatever your choice :)
     
  16. erratic

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    What's keeping you together(ish)?
     
  17. guynmn

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    My opinion is that an open relationship does not solve anything wrong with a relationship. It may add to it in certain situations in which the relationship is built on a strong foundation already. If the relationship is not fulfilling at the core this would just pull it further apart.
    I have been with my partner going on 16 years, we have an open relationship and it is not something that just happens without other effects. It creates new issues and if a relationship is already stressed with the daily, run of the mill relationship crap you are just additional g more fuel (in this case rocket fuel) yo the fire. If at 8months you are looking outside the relationship for fulfillment, and can not openly and honestly discuss your issues with your bf opening the relationship may be the nail in the relationships coffin.
     
  18. Drifterwood

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    When I was 21 we pretty much all cheated on each other. It wasn't a big deal, we weren't trying to play grown up relationships. I say this because, if you are twenty one, what is the hurry? Enjoy being young??? I just think that there is a tendency to rush into being serious when really, why should you?

    TBH Schwulboy, your partner sounds rather domineering to me. From what you say, he seems to be dictating what will and won't happen to suit himself. This does sound rather dysfunctional relationshipwise to me.
     
  19. big_tits4big_dicks

    big_tits4big_dicks New Member

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    In my experience, you have to be in your 40's or 50's to make an OR work. I have never seen it done with the younger generation. It sounds like you guys may not be for each other :/ Talk with him, but also know that you can be friends and experience other people. If you are to be together you will, even if you were to break up now. Good luck.
     
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