"Open" Relationships

[D_Coyne Toss]

I don't like them, I don't see the reason for them, and I don't think they work.

Bravo!

 

[cockheavy]

Human beings are not wired to be monogamous. Anyone who thinks they can spend their entire life being attracted to only one person is delusional.

 

[141794]

I've been gay since I was in 12th year. That year, I met the most beautiful man. His name was Yancy, but since his mother was japanese, I nicknamed our relationship "John and Yoko", since this was back in the 70's. We are still together to this day. Yancy is like a lamb to me. Very shy, sweet, and very soft spoken.

Plus he has a very dirty side to him, but that's another story.

 

[Skip R]

My (male) partner and I have been together almost 10 years now, and have an open relationship in the sense that occasionally we play with a friend we both like together.

For us, it's something fun to share with each other. He really gets off on seeing me with other people, and it provides good fantasy material for later on! It also definetly has the effect of making me appreciate the sex with my partner all the more. Nobody else has come even close to the kind of sex he and I have.

Of course, this is not something we came to lightly. One has to have complete trust in one's partner and the relationship I think, and be able to talk about it before, after, and even during if needed. It's not something we do often, but it is something we enjoy.

 

[Bbucko]

I wouldn't even consider entering into a monogamous relationship now.

But that also means that I'd never be in a relationship with someone who didn't feel exactly the same way. Jealousy and insecurity are hardly attractive.

I agree with the poster who said it's an age thing. Twenty-five years ago I'd never believe that I'd say what I just did above.

 

[Fallingwater]

Human beings are not wired to be monogamous. Anyone who thinks they can spend their entire life being attracted to only one person is delusional.

I agree.

Personally, I'd have no trouble with an open relationship. I am quite good in separating sex and emotions, and being madly in love with one person while also having pure sex with others sounds perfectly ok to me.

My girlfriend, however, doesn't feel this way. Since it's very important to her that I don't have sex with others, I don't.

 

[caffecaffe]

i finished an open relationship a couple of months ago. she really liked me... i was beggining to like her...

but she was the most jalousie person i've ever meet. i couldnt even talk to someone besides her and she freaked out...well, one day i left her with her stupid jalous and she (drunk) to freak me... hung up with a friend of mine.

result...she saw me saying goodbye and i felt nothing for that...

i hope the next open relationship go better

 

[Fallingwater]

That does not sound like an open relationship.
An open relationship has to be ok for both sides. If it's open for you but the other one's jealous, it's quite obvious she doesn't have an open relationship on her mind and your idea cannot possibly work.

 

[Act2_Begins_Now]

Right on the money!! If you and your significant other can't explore your fantasies - or more importantly, discover the depths of life - together, then why be together? In my view, if I were going to have other partners on the side, then I wouldn't hope for anything special to come of my "main" relationship.

I propose that exploring each other's fantasy and discovering depths of life together could be a part of an open relationship and result in special beyond imagination.

 

[caffecaffe]

Aswering to Fallingwater:

she new that it was an OR for me...but, stupid girl, she insisted to go too fast.
bad for her!

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

You say it was an open relationship but she went too fast, that sounds like you were the one having trouble with her fucking someone else and from you dumping her when she fucked your friend that seems to confirm it.

 

[hyperionic]

I'm sure there are gay couples out there who have been monogamous for long periods---I've just never seen one. Every gay couple I know who have been together for long periods have "open" relationships (based on trust, honesty, etc. as outlined by others).

Im in a relationship of 7 years now.. and it's monogamous. It's not just love, it's also a conscious choice. A relationships soley based on feeling does not work. Doesn't mean i dont fantasize. I choose not to act on it. For me, at this time, an open relationship wouldn't work.

 

[caffecaffe]

You say it was an open relationship but she went too fast, that sounds like you were the one having trouble with her fucking someone else and from you dumping her when she fucked your friend that seems to confirm it.

i'm afraid i didn't explained myself well

it was an open relationship for me...but i knew she wanted something more. and i was open to it since i wasn't, at the time, interested in some other girl.
and i always told her that if she wanted something more she should go slow...thing that he didn't do.
and i wouldn't have any problem with her fucking with some other guy...but he made out with other guy JUST to annoy me.and i don't like that kind of games, either i liked her or not.

hope to made it clear now!:wink:

 

[stretcher74]

I've been in an open relationship for 10 years. I don't talk about it much because I'm generally told that it "doesn't work", often by people who've never been in relationship longer than 2 years or are on their second divorce or third marriage.

Open marriage may or may not work but from what I have seen, neither do most marriages. Especially not where rather than being based on love and mutual respect the one ot the other member of the couple seems to think they are the others' keeper.

Both of us have diverse sexual needs and interests that we sometimes explore or enjoy together with others or together or on our own (safety first). There's a lot more bringing/keeping us together as a couple than just the sex that we're having.

 

[kcd467]

Looking at the replies from various posters, I wonder if it DOES have to do with "gay or straight" with an age component thrown in.

I'm sure there are gay couples out there who have been monogamous for long periods---I've just never seen one. Every gay couple I know who have been together for long periods have "open" relationships (based on trust, honesty, etc. as outlined by others).

I know far more straight people who (I feel pretty sure) are long-term monogamous. Many of the ones who are in open relationships have issues with ED or some other mysfunction which causes the other partner's needs to fail to be met.

Looking at the above, most (not all) of the people who say, "No way" are younger, while most of those who say, "sure" seem more middle aged.

Just my observations.

I have to agree with MH07 on this. Also, perhaps the reason why gays seem to have more open relationships is simply because they aren't legally defined by marriage. Sure there are civil unions, and sure each couple can follow their own guidelines of what a relationship is (closed or open relationship) but because marriage is such a strong & old institution, perhaps this is why we think we see more straight couples stick to the monogamy. Just my two cents.

 

[kcd467]

Human beings are not wired to be monogamous. Anyone who thinks they can spend their entire life being attracted to only one person is delusional.

I want to respond to this one too: Cockheavy is right...for men. I saw some postings that humans are supposed to be monogamous...but I'm not sure why they think this. The whole reason why society today looks worse at a woman who sleeps around we call them aweful names: sluts. What do we call a guy who sleeps around? And I'm not referring to prostitutes either.... In an office if someone finds out a woman sleeps with too many guys, they are labeled a whore, but rarely the other way around.

My point is, back in our hunter-gatherer/caveman timeperiod, men were programmed to basically shoot their seed into as many women as possible, to not only ensure their DNA was passed on, but for the survival of the race.

 

[babybooboo100]

i think an open relationship is on as good as the mutually agreed terms set up,jealosy can interfere when the rules get broken.ive been lucky to be in all positive open relationships,and am presently in an amazing one.i have to say,we both are whole heartedly in agreement on the terms of our openness and spend large amounts of time comparing notes on who we "tried to kill" often,we just entered into swinging and just the fun of looking is amazing.i can say that this arangement is perfect,and has allowed me to go to "places"with him i could not before due to a lack of openness.......there is alot to be said for the open relationship,but you have to both be on the same EXACT page

 

[kcd467]

I want to post my own thoughts on the concept since I'm actually going through this myself.

I'm gay and have been in a relationship for about 2.5 years. Not a long time, no, but I have had other long term relationships in the past from which I can draw insight. In any event, my partner is the love of my life; we are best friends, I find him intellectually and physically stimulating, and I have fun with him.

About a year ago we agreed to be able to fool around TOGETHER with others. Part of my rationale was that--and to many people's comments here--that if we're in a relationship, anything we do with respect to sex should be done together. These experiences should be done together.

There was no real reason why we decided to go this course, other than we are gay men -- and hell I guess we are both sluts since met each other at an orgy. We both understand the difference between making love and sex too, and I think this is critical. This is such a hard concept to understand, one which I had trouble in my past relationships. I guess the reason why I was able to understand the difference now is because I really am in love with my boyfriend, and I really know he's just as in love with me.

Last weekend, we also decided to take one step further and totally open the relationship--he can do whatever without me (as safely as possible) and I can do the same. It actually turns me on to think about his fooling around with someone. Part of this is because I'm comfortable knowing that our relationship is strong and solid -- and I also know that we are humans, and gay men! As in my last post, men are programmed to move from partner to partner in the hunter-gatherer (caveman) stage in our development, and thus this is why gay men often think about screwing other guys, whether in a relationship or not.

Of course I want to knock on wood that this turns out all right. I'm still learning as I go. We both have to tell each other within a realistic amount of time what we did and with whom. If our sex lives our open, the everything needs to be out in the open--meaning he needs to come clean with whom he has slept. But I feel that if we follow the guidelines we both set up and to which we both agreed then we'll be OK. THe absolute worst that can happen: he falls for some guy. But honestly, can someone fall for someone else simply because of sex? I don't think so. So that risk is always present in a relationship. Someone doesn't fall out of love with another person just because the other guy he's blowing is a better lay in bed.

And you know what: if the other guy IS a better lay than me, but my boyfriend keeps coming home to me (and makes love to me) that's fine too. He is happy all around...and it doesn't phase me one bit.

 

[Jeffin90620]

My GF and I have an open relationship, to a point. We go to clubs and she has sex with other men while I watch. Recently, I had sex with another woman while she watched. I don't normally like that, because we both wear condoms with other people, but she had just taken 9.5" front door & back door and was worn out, so I got in on a train a tall blond was pulling in another room.

 

[Jeffin90620]

I'm sure there are gay couples out there who have been monogamous for long periods---I've just never seen one.

I know far more straight people who (I feel pretty sure) are long-term monogamous.

Some gay-themed Showtime drama a few years ago had this exchange between two gay men.

Gay Guy #1: "Do you think it is impossible for us to be monogamous because we're gay?"

Gay Guy #2: "No, it's impossible because we're men!"

Same subject but more scientific: a survey I read about taken in the late-70s concluded that gay women had fewer sexual partners than straight women and straight men had fewer sexual partners than gay men. It noted that nearly half of gay men had bedded 100 partners and 5% claimed over 1,000.

An article in Psychology Today (I think that was the one) noted that, until fairly recently in human existence, 50% of all children born died before their 5th birthday and posited that male and female reproductive urges were shaped by that reality. Consequently, men tried to impregnate as many women as possible to insure the survival of their bloodline, while women tried to involve their men in their lives so that they would help provide for their offspring.

While not covered in the article, it was obvious to me that it did not become in the best interests of men to bond with one woman until the invention of money (which allowed for the inter-generational transfer of wealth). Even so, the majority of cultures throughout human history have been polygamous in that they allowed a man to have as many women as he could afford. In practice, most men could afford only one wife.

Personally, I like women who like sex. Too many women use sex as a bargaining tool to get non-sexual benefits (love, security, food, jewelry, etc.); to me, these women are whores and I have little use for them. My GF, in addition to being smart, pretty and her own woman, loves sex. She had no concept of the lifestyle I introduced her to a couple years ago, but has taken to it like a duck to water.