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Opening A Relationship.

Discussion in 'Ask a Gay Man' started by Canlookbutnotouch, May 3, 2020.

  1. Canlookbutnotouch

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    I need some advise. My boyfriend and I have talked about opening our relationship to find not necessarily a whole harem of guys (hot but not what we want) but more like a FWB or 2. We have discussed this quite a bit but he always ends up backing out of it. We are very much so in love but our libidos don’t match as I could fuck all day and he has a heart medication that makes it nonexistent (have explored alternatives with his dr but this is what works best). I’m tired of not having frequent sex but am more just frustrated at this point. Any words of advice?
     
  2. OKCLane

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    Sex drives change over time. My husband and I have been together for 17 years and there’s an ebb and flow to things. I’ve been in the no libido position and so has my husband. We’ve also had health issues through the years that prevented us from having sex. However, it never stopped us from being creative to get each other off. Yes, it’s hard to get into it when you’re not feeling frisky but that’s part of life - doing shit you don’t want to do. It may also mean that you jerk off more. There’s nothing wrong with you jerking off while he’s next to you stroking or kissing you or stimulating you in some way that turns you on. Maybe you agree that getting a massage with a happy ending is agreeable. That’s one way we’ve dealt with our own situation.
    The real question you’re facing is about an open relationship. It doesn’t sound like he’s into that solution. Bringing someone into your bedroom is a difficult thing. I did it with a previous partner; it is filled with pitfalls. If your partner has no libido with you I’m not sure how a third party helps? If he doesn’t want to have sex, how does another person help? Is he going to sit in the corner and watch another man satisfy you? If so, I can see his reluctance.
    Adding someone to your bedroom ignores the problem.
    If his situation is permanent and unlikely to change then you have to decide if you can compromise on the amount of sex you’re having. Or find some equitable compromise.
    These are just opinions from an older guy who has been there and done that. Good luck.
     
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  3. Canlookbutnotouch

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    Thanks, I hadn’t quite thought of that.
     
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  4. winesthel945

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    The scenario you paint is probably the number one question that advice columnist Dan Savage gets. If you listen to his hilarious, informative, and always fascinating podcast ("Savage Lovecast") he tackles some version of this problem about every 3rd episode.

    Libido mismatch is the number one destroyer of relationships, but only if you cannot negotiate a way to deal with it.

    I'd suggest you both read this: Married, With Infidelities

    You need what you need. He has his feelings, and those are real too. If you can reassure him that you're not going anywhere and that you'll always prioritize him, the chance to get your rocks off when needed need not destroy what you've built. Perhaps he will never come around to this, in which case you are probably destined for either a miserable marriage or a nasty break-up. But if you want to save what you've built, you need to both find some way to thread this needle. And I can tell you from personal experience: it's not easy, but it can be done with compassion, trust, and lots and lots of communication.

    Good luck!
     
  5. Brodie888

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    Open relationships are things that people can or can't do and there is no right or wrong.

    For a relationship to work, there needs to be balance. Obviously your sex drives create an imbalance for which you need to address but you going out to play while he doesn't is not creating balance.

    I agree with what oklane suggested. There are things you can do with him that doesn't involve him performing that can be equally intimate.
     
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  6. winesthel945

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    It is also worth noting that while he cannot help his libido change, it is not reasonable for him to demand that your sex life come to a screeching halt. Just as it would be inappropriate for you to force him into sex that he's not interested in having, he needs to realize that he cannot force you into becoming celibate.

    The complicating factor here is that our stupid puritanical culture thinks of sex as dirty and evil, therefore anyone who wants it is somehow giving into something dirty and evil. Even if he doesn't actively think that way, his feeling that you should be ok with being celibate against your will is ultimately derived from that kind of repressed and warped attitude.

    You're not a bad guy for your wanting sex. He's not a bad guy for him not wanting sex. But he may be the bad guy for demanding something of you that he shouldn't.
     
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