opinion please

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by honeydew, Dec 21, 2008.

  1. honeydew

    honeydew New Member

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    This is a hard topic for me to broach but here goes.Please no bashing on this. Groundwork first. I normally do not advocate cheating on a spouse but I have found myself in a position I am not sure I know what to do with it.
    I am a very sex driven female and I love slow sensual lovemaking.(sex period) I am married to a wonderful guy bit he has ED and on Prozac, and an eversion to sex due to past sexual abuse. The more intimate we get, the harder for him to make love. I understand this, and we have seen counselors. It is just how things are at this point.
    I , however, am left struggling with my sexual frustration which masterbation does not abate. The feel of a mans hands touching the body, kisses, smells etc are all apart of it for me. I have thought of lately getting myself a guy just to satisfy my sexual urges but also feel like a horrible person because of this. Any thought as to what you might do in this situation?
     
  2. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    I would take a lover.
    Depending on if my partner could handle that or not, I would or would not tell him. However, the other person would know they are a sexual partner, even if it becomes long term or grows into a friendship, and must respect my primary relationship.
     
  3. StraightCock4Her

    StraightCock4Her New Member

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    Must. resist.. the urge to bash. Also, must... resist... the urge... to post my phone number.......
     
  4. LazyBoy219

    LazyBoy219 New Member

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    I say have a talk with your husband. Tell him exactly how you feel. His opinion should matter most I think.
     
  5. MickeyLee

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    umm flip the situation. a man post on this board asking what he should do, should he cheat.

    the same back story. his wife is nonsexual due to medical conditions and past sexual abuse. he's thinking of taking a mistress because he misses the physical connection with a woman. i haven't been on this site for long but i know the answers i'd expect from the ladies here.

    as for open relationships. not the same as cheating is all parties are honest and forthright with each other. if talking to him about your needs and your interests in another partner would be too painful for him or you, imagine the hurt and betrayal he'll feel if he finds out. imagine the guilt and shame you'll feel if you caught. if you love him, he loves you the connections should be strong enough to bring up the option of a third in your partnership. just go slow.

    you mentioned counseling, for ED and his sexual abuse? it might be time to get your own therapist for your issues. you are dealing with the fallout as much as he is. you feel lonely, neglected, resentful? a shrink will give you better guidance than even the most well meaning poster to this board.

    last of my ramble. be careful. one act can undo everything.

    ML
    i wish you the strength to do what's right.
     
  6. Not_Punny

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    Pardon me, but why did you marry him knowing this?

    - - - - -

    All that aside, I don't believe in cheating. But I do believe in polyamory. I would have an honest heart to heart with him. He has to choose between

    (a) open up the marriage to include other partners,

    (b) stop being such a victim; in this case, he needs to step up to the sexual plate (testosterone supplementation, male supplements, serious exercise, etc.) (seeing counselors is just talk -- talk is a dime a dozen and will get him nowhere)

    (c) divorce

    His choice.

    He is being a wimp, not a man. Sorry, but someone has to say it.

    Again, I don't believe in cheating. Those are your only HONEST choices.
     
    #6 Not_Punny, Dec 22, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2008
  7. got_lost

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    I have to say, I completely agree with sweet_ass here.
    If it is something he can handle discussing, then fine, but if not, then don't. Just be sure to be utterly discrete and that the 'other' understands the situation.


    This just made me laugh so hard! :rofl:


    One did recently and got absolutely slammed!!!!


    An open relationship would be the ideal, but I just think some men couldn't bring themselves to agree with it, even if they know it's the best thing to save their marriage. I believe some men prefer to play the ostrich, keep their heads in the sands, sing la la la and pretend it's not happening.


    A therapist isn't going to support her being faithful and having no sex life whatsoever. But he/she can help her deal with the emotions she feels due to the 'no sex', whether they are rejection, frustration, low self-worth, or just the damned horniness.

    I've been seeing a councillor for the last 9 months.
    She has helped me a lot, but she didn't stop me being unfaithful.
    In fact, she was as chuffed as I was that I'd got some! :redface:



    You KNOW I'm not going to agree with you here, and you know why!

    Honeydew doesn't need us dissing her husband or telling her she shouldn't have married him or needs to divorce him.

    She needs to work all that out on her own and it shouldn't be just because of the lack of sex, especially if he has had previous issues that he is seeking help with.

    Honeydews immediate problems are needing to be with a man who will willingly bonk her brains out and make her feel fulfilled.

    If her man is unable or unwilling to do it and doesn't want to acknowledge how she can actually achieve this, then, if she feels it's the right thing for her, and she can be discrete enough about it, then it could help them both in the long term.

    That maybe that she may come to realise that sex is too important for her to be without and that divorce maybe more seriously considered in the future as she realises her and her husband are growing too far apart and not right for eachother.

    It may also be that she realises that he can fulfil her in other ways and her relationship is strong enough to weather this issue or even that she needs both and can discuss a more open relationship with him once she is sure that's what she wants.


    None of us make a decision to buy a car without test driving it or buy a dress without trying it on. Why are we so quick to say that people should get a divorce without them trying out some possible solutions that will help them make that or any other decision?
     
  8. hjensen82

    hjensen82 New Member

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    I think only yourself know what to do.
    You should not act on what others tell you, chances are two high that you will regret it.

    Best of luck.
    /H
     
  9. got_lost

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    Good point! :cool:



    Though sometimes it's nice to ask others opinions as they might come up with something you haven't thought of. :rolleyes:
    That's not to say you act on what they advice, but it might help you decide yourself.
    But you're right... at the end of the day Honeydew has to do what Honeydew can live with.
     
  10. sxy_vince

    sxy_vince Member

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    You are very brave to put this post up because some bashing is inevitable; unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who get satisfaction out of insulting other people.

    I feel sorry for your husband because of his abuse and its consequences, and I feel sorry for you because you are essentially also a victim of the consequences of his abuse. You are both in an unfortunate situation and deserve a lot of sympathy.

    You should not feel bad about having sexual frustration or even about thinking about the option of getting your needs met elsewhere. But I would advise against cheating on him without his knowledge: you will betray the man you love, you may hurt him if he finds out, and you will probably not feel good about it.

    Option 1 - Cheat - I would advise against this, as noted above

    Option 2 - Discuss the option of taking a lover - You can talk with him about the option of taking a lover while maintaining a relationship with him, but I think the chances of the average man being comfortable with this are low (although I aknowledge there may be exceptions).

    Option 3 - End your relationship with your husband - If you leave him then you can look for someone sexually compatible with you. Potentially, you could remain friends with him. This would mean ending the marriage - depending on your view of marriage you may or may not regard this as a option. I will note however, that you do have sexual needs and you do have to have regard to your own needs when making decisions.

    Option 4 - Remain with your husband, enjoy his company, and try to work through the issues - You may make some progress but, realistically, your sexual relationship is unlikely to be anything close to perfect given what your husband has gone through.

    Unfortunately for you Honeydew, none of these options (assuming I haven't left any out) are particularly appealing and you have my sympathies. You are in a difficult situation. However, one of these options will be the best one for you, given the situation you are in. I am sorry that I cannot give you any magic solution to solve your problem.

    I wish you an your husband all the best for your futures.
     
  11. honeydew

    honeydew New Member

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    First let me say thank you ALL for your thoughts. K8 especially, thanks for you worded many of my thoughts out loud.
    I do not know which road I will choose, but the more I have thought about cheating, it does not sit well with me either. I may persue some of the other options of an open relationship/partner but I have some more thinking to do.
    Thanks again for all your kind words/advice. I really appreciate it.

    HD
     
  12. Phil Ayesho

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    Cheating if for those people who are dishonest shits.


    Act honorably. You got into this relationship aware of problems, and can not claim that you had an expectation of full sexual response... but at the same time, you can not have known how bad it would be, nor how intractable, nor how difficult it would be for you to live an asexual life.


    Not Puny has the right perspective. The one thing you absolutely OWE the person you love is honesty.

    The one thing you absolutely owe YOURSELF is to act honorably so you can look yourself in the mirror ( unless you have to be one of those narcissistic shits who can do wrong and have no problem with it)

    Your husband has a certain expectation of you.
    The reason you are troubled is because you know full well that this expectation is there.

    You must address this with your husband directly, compassionately and in a manner that is seeking HIS help.

    Would he be willing to re-negotiate the deal as far as sexual exclusivity goes?

    But be aware that finding a more sexual responsive partner is going to genuinely threaten your entire marriage.
    When you meet a man who can offer you the WHOLE package... it will become rather hard for you to stick with the man who is unable to.

    But the absolute worst thing you could do would be to take a lover. IT would be discovered... sooner or later...


    Act honorably... there is nothing dishonorable about working out with your husband a means to get your needs met in the relationship... even if it means a divorce.
     
  13. D_Tristan Shout

    D_Tristan Shout Account Disabled

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    Take a lover; it will make your marriage much better. Let go of the attachment and guilt over sex. Its just sex. Find a friends with benefits and enjoy him when your with him; but come home and love your husband. I love my wife very very much and wouldnt trade her for anyone. But I do have a sex buddy on the side. I dont feel bad about it and it really makes me enjoy my wife more because simply- I can have both. (secretly of course).
    Its just sex honey....your husband deserves love, so give it to him, you deserve touch, so go out and get it.
     
  14. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Sounds like you know what you need to do. Divorce isn't that big of a deal, everyone pretty much does it.
     
  15. Guy-jin

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    One thing I can tell you in terms of light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel is that there are quite a few men out there who can't get enough sex, so hopefully you'll be able to find someone who can fulfill your sexual desire. Of course, the trick is finding someone who can fulfill that AND all the rest of the things you want.

    And sorry, but I'm already taken! :biggrin1:
     
  16. Qua

    Qua
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    Have you?
     
  17. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Yeah at age 20. Good one moron.
     
  18. kazooplayer

    kazooplayer New Member

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    Did you miss the part where she said he was the victim of sexual abuse? If this was a woman, would you claim she was being a "wimp"? Should women who don't have any sexual interest put out regardless? Double standard much?
     
  19. Qua

    Qua
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    Duhr, duhr, stupid me. It's not exactly an option I'd expect to be tossed around lightly, therefore it seemed important to check it.
     
  20. StraightCock4Her

    StraightCock4Her New Member

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    Preach it, brother... Double standards be damned. Chances are this guy was abused when he was young, too. Sad.
     
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