Opinions On BDSM?

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by jason_els, Nov 19, 2007.

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Your Opinions On BDSM? (votes are private)

  1. I am heavily into BDSM

    9 vote(s)
    22.5%
  2. A little kinky stuff now and then is fun, but just a little

    20 vote(s)
    50.0%
  3. I have no opinion of BDSM

    1 vote(s)
    2.5%
  4. BDSM is not for me but I can see how some might like it

    9 vote(s)
    22.5%
  5. I loathe BDSM

    4 vote(s)
    10.0%
  6. -----------------------------------------------------

    1 vote(s)
    2.5%
  7. Laws banning BDSM between consenting adults should be universal and enforced

    3 vote(s)
    7.5%
  8. Laws banning BDSM between consenting adults should be universally repealed

    18 vote(s)
    45.0%
  1. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Please note there are TWO answers needed in the poll:

    I've been reading a great deal about BDSM practices and theories. It's a fascinating subject. Before I post more about it, I'd like to get a general idea of what people think about BDSM.

    1. What are your opinions of BDSM and the people who practice it?
    2. What activity or information influenced your opinion?
    3. Why do you think some people participate in BDSM?
    4. Are some activities more acceptable to you than others?
    5. Do you believe laws against BDSM activities between consenting adults should be retained or repealed?
     
  2. LeeEJ

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    How much "BDSM" are we talking about? Teasing, restraint, sub/dom, dungeons, isolation suits, fuzzy handcuffs, nipple clamps, massage "fairy dust", etc etc?

    I'm asking because I can think of some things I might enjoy but some others that I wouldn't, but they all could be classed into BDSM in some way.
     
  3. LeeEJ

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    Might as well answer the original questions.. lol :wink:

    1. I find it kinda funny that people take sexual play so seriously. But, the pleasure that I've seen people get from it is definitely genuine.

    2. Unfortunately, I haven't really experienced much in person. :redface: I've mainly been stuck with reading about it and hearing it from sources like Violet Blue's sex podcast.

    3. They say that they like relinquishing control, for one. It's an old story that business higher-ups like managers and lawyers enjoy it because, in contrast with their day jobs, they can finally relax for a while and let someone else take charge. I find it interesting myself because, to me, both parties are, in a way, subservient to each other; the sub's pleasure is dependent on what the dom does, but the dom has a responsibility to care for and please the sub... well, at least in the versions of BDSM that I might like.

    4. Hmmm..... I don't like activities that leave someone in pain or emotional distress. I think that gets away from consent, though, so this question is hard for me to answer in this context.

    5. With the key word being consenting, I think BDSM laws should be repealed. Such laws are holdovers from our Puritan past, IMO (here in the US, that is).
     
  4. Not_Punny

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    There are laws against BDSM?!

    - - - - - - -

    I think that it's a bad idea to give a huge territory just one label.

    Some people like a little kink, and some people like the full blown thing.

    Personally, I could never get into the full blown thing, but varying degrees of kink can help spice things up. I'm all for variation and play and fun.

    I would never want to be in a frame of mind where I could only "get off" under very specific circumstances.
     
  5. DC_DEEP

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    1. That depends upon what the activities are, who is practicing them, and how. For skilled players, and complete consent, no problem. For people who want to dabble a bit, but do not seek any training for some things, I despise them. Believe it or not, you actually do need to know what you are doing to use something as simple as wrist restraints.

    2. I was unaware and unintested until I met my current partner (way back in 2001). It's still not tops on my list, but I understand it now, and enjoy it.

    3. The reasons people enjoy it are as varied as the people themselves, but as LeeEJ posted, for many people, it's a chance to have something different in their lives - kinda like a professional chef who doesn't want to come home and cook lavish dinners. My partner and I are both Top/Dom; what I enjoy is being able to give energy to my sub, allow him to process it, and then receive it back.

    4. Of course, some activities are more acceptable for me than others. My preference is for flogging, bondage, and tactile scenes. I have no interest whatsoever in humiliation, scat, or anything that draws blood.

    5. You just hit my hot button with this one! The government has no business at all to regulate any private behavior between consenting adults. Absolutely, every single one of those laws should be repealed. See my response to hotmilf...
    :biggrin1: When my partner and I teach "BdSm 101" workshops, the very first topics covered are "Negotiation" and "Safe words." Negotiation is the key first step - you have to be sure that you trust your partner, and that you are both interested in the same activities, at the same intensity level.

    Yes, darling, there are; and believe it or not, the laws are (generally) more strict in the UK than in the USA. Two organizations which my partner and I support are dedicated to protecting the rights of consenting adults. Oddly enough, I know quite a number of men in the UK involved with their organization, and only just a couple of women in the USA organization. In the UK, it's The Spanner Trust. In the USA, it's the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) . Really, you should give each of their websites at least a cursory glance. It's hard to believe, but people are jailed for engaging in consensual behavior. I've met several of the fellows who were arrested in the original Spanner case, and a few of them are my club brothers.
     
  6. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    You want interesting topics on this website, this is one that has only been touched on here before this.

    Honestly people, think and post.

    Merciless bump
     
  7. MidwestGal

    MidwestGal Member

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    not for me, unless I was very comfortable with the person then I would consider light bdsm. I'm not one who would ever want to cause my partner pain. But if it is for someone else and you both like it, go for it,
     
  8. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    It's in my screen name for god sakes.
     
  9. Not_Punny

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    Thanks for the links, DC -- I had nooooo idea!

    The Spanner case judge was an IDIOT! According to his "reasoning", you could be arrested for giving your partner a hickey. Whoa! Just think of all those criminals in high school!!!

    What doo-doo.

    I'm assuming there have been a few fatal accidents over time -- but we're probably talking about an infinitesimally small number. It's probably more dangerous to cross the street, and waaaaay more dangerous to visit a hospital where they routinely screw up and kill someone (Reader's Digest reports an average of half a million accidental hospital fatalities a year).

    I'm sure there have been more deaths from vanilla sex -- maybe from "strokes" (ha ha, get the pun?) and heart attacks.

    So why don't we stop all sex? I can see it now, a 2012 court ruling: Artificial insemination = the only legal conception.

    Sheesh!
     
  10. Ethyl

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    I didn't answer the poll because i've not practiced hardcore BDSM per se but i've roleplayed enough only to get a feel of what I like and don't like. I find the subject fascinating. I learned a lot from HollyBlue's thread on BDSM and I recall DC_DEEP's posts as well. I'll lurk and read for now. :biggrin1:
     
  11. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    I'm sure anyone who knows me knows what I think...and if you don't, it's written all over my web site:

    TheRealHollyBlue.com

    Anyway, I applaud the NCSF and plan to support them when I get some extra cash. I am also extremely annoyed about a situation in Denver (the city I came from). It's unbelievable in this day and age what can happen to those who want to openly and legally engage in BDSM activities.

    I hope a time comes when I won't have to worry about being discriminated against if (for example) an employer were to find out about my sexual preferences (not an issue right now because my employer already knows and is more than fine with it). :wink:

    I'd like to feel confident that if I have bruises, etc. on my body that I fully enjoyed getting, my Master is in no danger of being prosecuted by someone trying to protect me when I am in no need of protection. As things are, someone else can (at least in legal terms) decide on my behalf what is abuse and what is consensual expression of passion.

    IMO, that's up to me to decide.

    I'm not out to evangelize the whole world to understand BDSM, but the issue of public ignorance is near and dear to my heart, and I do what I can to help people understand better WIITWD (What It Is That We Do).
     
  12. whatireallywant

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    Wow - I have the two most popular opinions on this! :biggrin1:

    I'm rather vanilla but I can see doing a little kinky stuff now and then. I'm not into pain or humiliation though at all. But to each their own.

    And of course, being of the "to each their own" opinion, the laws against consentual BDSM should be repealed.
     
  13. LeeEJ

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    :biglaugh: That actually made me laugh... such annoyance.. :wink:

    One more thing -- they have to be sure that they can understand when someone wants to say the safe word. Ball gags, as an example, aren't exactly easy to speak through. :wink:
     
  14. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Which is really interesting. Being a dyed in the wool feminist I'm surprised. Many feminist authors deride BDSM as being a product of misogyny and patriarchy; the ultimate fascism. Women, they believe, by taking on BDSM roles, either as bottoms or tops, even as lesbians, are playing into the system of patriarchy which represses women.

     
  15. DC_DEEP

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    Again, that's part of the negotiation. We've had several BdSm encounters with deaf men. Obviously, those situations have to be negotiated differently.

    When I was receiving my training (yes, I'm a Dom, but received training as a sub - I never do anything to anyone which I haven't experienced myself), my partner was going to give me a spanking. I hate receiving spankings, actually, but that's another story.:biggrin1: At any rate, our negotiation for that particular instance included him saying "Hold this between your teeth. If you drop it, the scene stops." It was a wooden paddle, with a leather strip tied to the handle. I was to hold the leather strip between my teeth. That served two purposes - it functioned both as a gag, and as my "safe word." Consequently, he got in one stroke before I dropped it! (What a wimp!)

    The point is, an intermix of negotiation and good sense is key.

    And feminists who make such assertions are misguided, repressed idiots. There are also some misguided, repressed, idiotic racists who make the (ignorant) assertion that anyone of African descent who engages in BdSm play is contributing to the oppression of blacks by "re-enacting scenes from slavery." I'm surprised I haven't seen anyone denouncing BdSm between two white gay males for some stupid reason. I'm sure it's out there, but I just haven't seen it.

    There are probably a tiny number of exceptions, but I feel fairly secure saying that anyone - male or female, gay or straight, of any racial background - engages in BdSm for their own personal reasons, not because they are forced to by domineering straight white males attempting to maintain world domination.

    HollyBlue and MercurialBliss, thank you both. You know how much you mean to me!
     
  16. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    Hi DC, and as always, it's wonderful to read your posts on my favourite topic of discussion. :wink:

    Totally agreed.

    The ball gag Master and I use is 2" in diameter, which is quite large and doesn't allow for much verbalization. I can't say our personal safe word (sodalite) understandably through it. Also, the generally accepted safe words "yellow" and "red" could also be quite difficult to understand.

    Some people are advocating the use of a universal safe word, "Mayday." That is because it is pretty easy to make out vs. other words. I know if I said it around a ball gag, my Master would understand.

    However, if two people are experienced in playing together, the Dom can (at least in our case) quite easily tell if the sub is in distress (unless the sub has entered a trance state, which is another topic entirely).

    Originally we thought there would be a bigger need for nonverbal safe signals (hand signals, etc) but that hasn't turned out to be necessary.

    Master and I have discovered we both love "psychological bondage," which means that often I am ordered to hold a position, or keep completely silent for a period of time, do or not do other things, etc. I may be ball-gagged, but also ordered to keep silent, which are actually two different things -- one can make plenty of noise with a ball gag in one's mouth if one wants to -- it's just difficult to understand if one tries to speak actual words.

    Anyway, ordering me to remain still and silent while he flogs/straps/whips/smacks/pinches me is one of my Master's biggest turn-ons, and I confess I like it too. But if I go from completely still and silent to wiggly and repeatedly making a distress call, it's very obvious, and he can ungag me so we can communicate and correct the problem. In our case, it's usually something we didn't expect -- a certain position is putting undue strain on a joint -- not that I cannot take the strapping or fucking or whatever. But I'm not casting any aspersions on anyone's pain tolerance levels. I know I am unusual in my ability to tolerate pain and maintain control over my vocalizations and body position. I am able to do this mostly because of years of yoga practice and meditation. But now I'm rambling.

    The point is, as DC_DEEP already stated, there are always ways to be safe if one exercises common sense, planning, and good communication with one's partner.

    Thank you! :biggthumpup2:

    I can see how someone on the outside wouldn't understand, necessarily, but that's why I try to communicate and educate when given the opportunity.

    For years, my Master had fantasies of having sex slaves, but he thought of them as separate from true partners, existing only in a hypothetical fantasy world, because he couldn't conceive of how another human being would actually want to be used that way. He also (like many people) generally thought the slaves would have to be somewhat mindlessly obedient people, or ones that were paid to fulfill their duties.

    Getting to know me changed all of that for him -- made him realize that his fantasy was reality in me -- that I could be his perfect slave, his fuck toy, and loving partner, intellectual equal and friend all rolled into one.

    He realized that someone with high energy, a sharp intellect, and a strong will is delightful to dominate, because that person is truly choosing to submit.

    Once someone really "gets it" that the best way by far to express love to someone like me is through rough and sadistic expressions of passion -- that I derive as much or more pleasure from my Master's pleasure than from my own -- that I really am only truly happy and fulfilled taking a subservient role in my primary relationship -- their perspective shifts dramatically.

    I am like most women in that I need foreplay to get aroused. The difference is the kind of foreplay I need. Traditional foreplay (kissing, touching, etc.) does nothing for me. Being handled roughly, being bound, receiving pain, or hearing certain words can get me sopping wet in a nanosecond.

    If anyone wants to read a raw expression of how I'm different... read this poem: What I Need.

    ***************************************************************

    Prior to getting to know me, my Master didn't understand the submissive mindset at all, so if someone like him (a lifelong Dominant) could be ignorant about it, it doesn't surprise me at all that feminists, etc. don't understand it.

    I can only hope that we (BDSM practitioners) will gain more freedom to "come out" and that awareness will increase over time, as it has begun to do in the case of homosexuality (although I realize there's still a long, long way to go there). Still, I have hope that someday, many feminists (male and female) will understand that some women really want to be subservient (to the right man, in the right situation) and it doesn't make us sick or self-defeating in any way.

    I need what I need because it is an intrinsic part of who I am as a person; it is not part of my gender identity. I would still be a sub regardless of whether I was male or female, straight or gay, black or white. It's just who I am.
     
  17. rob_just_rob

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    1. I can see why some find it fun, and the people who practice it are, by and large, just regular people.
    2. I participated in the local bdsm/kink community for about 18 months, while I was in a self-discovery phase.
    3. I think people participate in BDSM for all kinds of reasons which can be summed up as: They enjoy it.
    4. There are some things I have tried and don't enjoy, and there are some thing I haven't tried because I'm fairly sure I wouldn't enjoy them. But I wouldn't tell anyone what they can and can't do, provided that anyone else involved is providing informed consent.
    5. Repeal them. There's no justification for laws prohibiting behaviour that doesn't harm anyone, and that takes place between 2 consenting adults.
     
  18. LeeEJ

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    I can't either... it came out like "hhununeh" :biggrin1:

    One of the little interesting things I've tried so far was to tell my girlfriend (back when I had one, that is :redface:) to lie completely still. If she flinched -- if she even moved a muscle -- I would stop doing whatever it was that I was doing.

    No extra hardware was necessary, yet it drove her nuts. :wink:
     
  19. B_Monster

    B_Monster New Member

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    You Think.......Kink?

    I say whatever blows your whip around

    Ive gotten into some light bondage but nothing as serious(fun) as some people enjoy.
     
  20. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    The reason I posted this thread is because I just returned for a weekend seminar in spiritual BDSM. It's held by the Body Electric School and the seminar is called, Power, Surrender, and Intimacy.

    I'm in the process of writing a blog about it. I entered into the program completely inexperienced in any sort of BDSM but had the suspicion that it would help me deal with a lot of emotional problems I have. The activities I experienced in both the dom and sub roles were spanking, rope bondage, flogging, nippleplay, and cock and ball torture. I had previously taken Body Electric's amazing Celebrating the Body Erotic and wanted to further explore the issues which were raised in that course.

    Part of the course was reading Mark Thompson's excellent book, Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice, which only furthered my assurance that this course would be the right thing for me. Since then I've picked-up Urban Aboriginals by Geoff Mains and the latest version of Larry Townsend's seminal The Leatherman's Handbook.

    For now, I'll just say that the entire weekend was completely transforming. I found myself venting a lot of anger and just plain crying. In the safe environment of the workshop I felt free to explore myself and finally discovered a few important truths.
     
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