Opinions wanted on my fictions!

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by mephistopheles, Oct 23, 2006.

  1. mephistopheles

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    1,324
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Hell
    (I know a big, long post cn be a little intimidatng, but pelase READ ON)

    Okay,

    I am an aspiring writer, author, penman, or what-have-you, so it is fairly important for me to get opinions about my writing... Unfortunately my current surroundings aren't of the best quality for someone wanting a life in literature: I live in SW missouri and around her football is the most imporant thing, it's like "read" is a four letter word, well the bad kind of four letter word anyway.

    I do have a creative writing club at the highschool but most of the criticism isnt constructive, its always "I like the flow", "I like the Idea", or "That's original" which is, as some of you may know, not helpful.

    So I am hoping to present my ideas, and maybe snips of my writing, in this thread, and get some opinions. And I've been here long enough to know that the opinions I get will, for the most part, be helpful and to my advantage to have.

    Okay! Here we go:

    First off, I've been working on this story for maybe two weeks, mostly writing it during school; lunch free class periods, etc. It's called "Demon Eyes" or "Her Black Wings"(I haven't decided yet) Anyway, It takes the first person perspective of a man(respectively named "I"), during an unspecified date and leads the reader through his pilgrimage of becoming something unknown to himself. He gives his accounts of his slave life under his mistress, who is a demon(or a succubus) and the evil deeds she has him commit. Little does he know with each bit of skin he tears he sells tiny bits of his soul to Lucifer.

    I'll include a little bit below, let me set it up first: I really like to write a poem in pre-reflection of the story to be read, giving the reader a clever rhyme as a sort of synopsis.

    Demon Eyes
    Her yellow eyes are evil and eerie
    The demoness comes out to me
    Am I a monster or just some sort of freak
    I'm really nothing but a slave unto her magic
    Operation steal your every dream
    I cannot believe anything I see
    I'm changing, I can feel it every moment
    Is it for better or for worse?
    It starts like a kiss and ends like a curse
    The runes on my flesh begin to glow
    Am I Demon? I need to know.

    Secondly I have "Nike A Go Go", this story is based loosely on the Misfits song of the same title. This story again takes the perspective of a male character named Benjamin, or "Me" rather.(he uses me instad of I since he is less refined.)

    Nike A Go Go takes place in a post apocalyptic world where the earth has been more-or-less dried up(Earth on Menopause as Nike likes ot call it). It the first hand accounts of Benjamin living with Nike, who happens to be a highly advanced type of cyborg, and their partners in a small base in the middle of Chicago, which is a desert. The short stories I've been working on at first kind of center around Nike and her sex life, and the fact that she is a dominant nymphomaniac.

    In this story I didn't bother to write a poem, because Glenn Danzig did it so well I never felt the need to rewrite it:

    Nike A Go Go
    It's a missile girl
    In a missile world
    Human tongue feels aluminum-plate
    Check systems now
    Death machine and man in love
    Tracking system checks out pulse, all systems go
    Rocket-blast fury with a manual sex-drive
    It's a missile girl
    With a long white face
    A missile girl, well
    Nike is her name
    You remember it
    Deadlier than any girl on any world
    Nike be good
    Nike be everything woman's not
    Nike take my life along with yours
    It's a missile girl
    With a long white face
    It's a missile girl, well
    Nike is the name remember it
    Go go
    Nike take my life along with yours
    Go go

    Third I have "A Man Named Anger" which is a story loosely based on me: a young man growing up in a world with a lot of hate and anger in his heart. Unfortunately for him he doesnt see the error of his ways before it's too late. The story is told in the third person perspective and follows Edward Anger. Edward is the lead singer of a band, a dropout, and a drug addict(which is a far cry from myself, the dropout and drugaddict part that is.)

    A Man Named Anger
    Let his day begin
    Let his fury fly
    Let his fist curl up
    Light the fire in his mind
    He is Anger
    He's an angry man
    He starts a fight
    Whenever he can
    He's got a low self opinion
    He likes to lash out
    When it nags at his mind
    He stands up and shouts
    He punishes himself
    He does what he doesnt want
    But when he lashes out
    He lets his anger taunt
    He takes it out
    He puts it on the streets
    He's looking for a weakling
    One he could eat
    When someone breathes
    His anger flies
    When you look at him wrong
    A piece of him dies
    What do you get?
    For such reckless hate
    A metal little box
    One you can never escape.

    Okay, that's all I have for now!

    Please give me comments, give my criticism, I cn take it! I need it!


    Thanks in advanced,



    Josh Dodson
     
  2. mephistopheles

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    1,324
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Hell
    Thanks for all the replies...

    I suppose people are passing this thread over becuase they think this is in the wrong area, that it should be under fictious stories, but it shouldn't becuase that area is for fictious sex stories, and stories about big cocks.

    Fuck,



    Josh Dodson
     
  3. Onslow

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    2,496
    Likes Received:
    3
    Ouch!!
    Sounds like A Man Named Anger is a self portrait of yourself. I started answering earlier today on that second one Nike A Go Go and for some reason didn't send it forward. It seems good and it might sound nice set to music. It was about then I must have decided not to post since you said it wsas based loosely on a Misfits song--I must confess I never heard of them. I didn't want you to take the idea of something being based on a song sounding like it could be good as a song as being insulting especially since I* did not mean it that way. I found as I read it that it had a very steady almost musical beat to it. I genuinely liked it which for me is rare.

    Didn't really understand Demon Eyes.

    The main thing of importance for you though is to keep up on the writing if it gives you enjoyment. Some will like it and some won't but if it keeps you happy it's a success.
     
  4. mephistopheles

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    1,324
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Hell
    Lol, yea, in A Man Named Anger I can see myself in Edward Anger, and I think that's why I like that idea so much.
    And about the Nike A Go Go it's no really based on the song, but it was more or less inspired by the song, also If you find my fictions at Xnxx.com a lot of stories are based on songs and poems and such:

    Autumn in New York - Ella Fitzgerald
    Violet Fire - Danzig
    Nike A Go Go - Misfits
    Voodoo Queen - Muddy Boots(my band)
    Heartbreak Hotel - Elvis
    Horror Hotel - Misfits

    Of course these are only for practice, and I do have a ton more short stories that are more original, like Hallowicked :p Music, poetry, and other types of literature are probably the mst important things to me, so of course I wrap them all together in a neat(or sloppy) litle package.

    Also, I've started another story last night called "Blue Fire", its sort of a futuristic story about a shutin who locks himself alone n a government laboratory. The govt. has charged with with the task of creatng bionically engineered human life. The new lifeform is being made to look like his dead wife, becuase he is feeding DNA into the embryo, the DNA of his wife!
    This story may get a little dry in the beginning, because it is told in the first person perspective of the scientist and he wants to explain everything he has to do... That includes all the stages of pregnancy and how all that stuff works... But after the first chapter or two I plan on the scientist being removed and it will be told from Magnilda's perspective(the cyborg girl)


    Even though you are the only one to reply I still lke your input, thanks again.

    Josh Dodson
     
Draft saved Draft deleted