Ordinary life? Not if you're a poof.

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Rugbypup, May 13, 2008.

  1. Rugbypup

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    Just a bit of a ramble, feel free to ignore me here, I've got nothing overly important to say.

    I've always found it hard to accept my sexuality. I've done the whole, 'I'm not gay, I'm Bi' thing but have matured enough now, i think, to know I'm gay, all be it not actively gay.

    I've found it increasingly difficult of late because more and more people I know are getting married, buying houses and planning for kids, you know, the good old ordinary life everyone expects you to want, have and live.

    So here I am, on the verge of 30 and still frightened over my first kiss, if I should ever actually meet anyone. Sigh.

    I guess i was kinda brought up to expect to have the live that everyone else around me is living, but then bang, you realise you're gay and that ultimately means, that the 'ordinary' life isn't ever really going to be yours.

    I feel like I'm grieving for a life i didn't actually ever have anyways.

    I try my up most to be happy for other people on their big days and such but really, deep down inside, it really hurts to know it will never be me. No marriage, no kids, no mile stones that everyone else is always bloody singing about.

    Do all gay guys just get old and die in a corner somewhere? Perhaps we do.

    Thats all folks, I'll go and be sad somewhere else. Sorry if i've bummed anyone out.

    Pup. x
     
  2. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I thought about this too. Certainly one would think that as a female it will be impossible for me to not be able to fir the stereotypical lifestyle, but I'm simply a gay guy living in a girls life.

    I've wondered this for my gay best friend who has just found a boyfriend he loves, I feel that he's cheating the proper lifestyle and gets to get away without marriage and kids because he is gay. I feel that my life is totally unfair because I cannot be in love with girls, I like gay men, but it's not okay for me to like them because history has set up for me that I will live this life with marriage and kids. Why does he get to get away with it based upon his gender..


    end rant..
     
  3. SyddyKitty

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    These are feelings that haunt me often. It seems those of us who start out wanting actual relationships, rather than flings, tend to have a slow/stale start. -.- 21, almost 22, and still waiting for all of my 'firsts'. I've never wanted the kids part but definitely the marriage. I find myself quite the opposite of you when it comes to my friends, though. I'm unable to show any feelings of happiness for them, regarding their relationships. So, keep that up and never get bitter as it will cost you friends!
     
  4. Northland

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    On the contrary Woofers, it was very important. These are your feelings and you needed to let them out.

    I figure I might well be gay; however, having engaged in so much naughtiness with females, it is difficult for me to be sure (even though I usually fantasize about a man when I'm with them).

    Screw what others want and think. The good thing these days is that the old idea of ordinary has changed somewhat. It's no longer a requirement to marry a person, make babies and have an unmanageable debt.

    Who defines ordinary? Ordinary to me equals boring. Create your idea of life as you want it.

    Stop trying to live the old movies and old television shows of what life should be-live the life you desire.

    Yeah, and no splitups, no divorces, no worrying about if your child is okay taking the bus alone or if they're having a safe time at school or at play-there are some upsides about being single.

    Some do, some don't. Same as happens to heterosexuals. There are several gay couples I know-some male, some female-who have been in relationships for several years. The two gentlemen around the corner from me are in their 80s now and have been together for some 60 years.

    There's always hope and always possibility, until you release your last bark, there is a chance of Mr.Right coming along. (and you didn't bum me out)
     
  5. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Oh dear...

    Poor pup.

    When I was born, gays were:
    • Hairdressers, clothing designers, and interior decorators
    • Pedophiles
    • Medically considered to be mentally ill
    • Illegal
    • Swishy, effeminate men who wish they were born women
    • Caused by weak or absent fathers and overbearing mothers
    • Hiding in the shadows, sneaking in and out of no-name clubs and meeting places, furtively looking over their shoulder.
    Gays now:
    • Recognized as being in all trades and professions
    • Not necessarily pedophiles
    • Homosexuality likely exists primarily due to physical factors
    • Legal in most western countries
    • You can't tell is someone is gay just by looking at him or her
    • Medically considered to be mentally healthy
    • Have rights equal to straight people in some places
    • Have open public places and celebrations.
    If you want to be married in some places, you can
    If you want to have kids with your husband, you can
    If you want to move to the suburbs and buy a Volvo with your husband and kids, you can.

    I travel to Vermont a lot and I see many, many, gay couples with their kids. These couples are legally married, have joint parental rights, have joint benefits and legal rights as spouses. They go to work, go shopping, push their strollers, go to school plays, get mortgages, argue, vacation, and mow the lawn like everyone else. These gay people are living a life that some consider, "ordinary," if you define ordinary as, "straight" (I'm not going to get into that because I know you're sincere).

    The ordinary life is out there if you want it but it's not everywhere. There are islands of it here and there, and for the foreseeable future, is one of the biggest gaps between gays and straights. You can be straight anywhere, but you can't be gay everywhere. Some places are more tolerant than others. Gay ghettos can be as restraining as they can be liberating. Not all ghettos are bad. Many times they're safe havens for the fearful and those who society at large ostracizes.

    Still, gays have come a very long way in a relatively short time.

    I don't know what the situation is in your country. Could you tell us what it's like?
     
  6. chris28

    chris28 Member

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    Believe me, from one who has truly been out there for a long time, you can have whatever "ordinary" life you desire because ordinary is like normal ... it is whatever suits the individual. As a young out gay man, at a time when gay bars had no signs and alley entrances, I felt certain that I would live a lonely life but nothing has been further from the truth.

    Fortunately I had a very understanding family but even more fortunate I met someone who had exactly the same drive, goals and values as I and we've done all of those boring ordinary things (minus the marriage license and divorce) that all of our now middle aged friends have done ... it's there if you want it but it's unlikely that it will come to you without some effort on your part ...

    Most important, don't idolize those "ordinary" folks because their lives are very often not what they appear ... problems plague them just like everyone else and I honestly have straight friends who envy my life and my relationship ... and quite frankly I wouldn't change places with a single one of them ...
     
  7. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    ITA with this post.
    Rugbypup, if you want these things in your life, and your present community does not provide the opportunities or support, please move. You'll find in cities with large gay communities that all of the milestones you mourn not having are readily available.

    Also, I am concerned about this bit "on the verge of 30 and still frightened over my first kiss", there is no need to be frightened or asexual because your aren't hetero. I'm not stating that sex is the most important thing - but everyone needs intimacy. I think a change of scenery will do a lot to help you define or redefine yourself as needed.

    Side note, a guy I used to be friends with was from the U.S. rural Northwest, and he always said that he was gay from birth. But, lacking anyone to be gay with, he had to make a plan to move to California after Uni, because he knew his small town did not have the gay community he needed for support. If you're in the same situation, look into finding a community where you can live freely and happily.

    And I do not care if you think something'g wrong with you, or you're shy, or ugly, or have dandruff... there's someone out there who loves a flaky a pup. :smile:
     
  8. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    boy is my face red

    always thought it was "pouf"
     
  9. bruce-e

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    It's not pouf? Jason, I drive a Volvo, in L.A. LOL....
     
  10. Mr. Snakey

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    You never bum me out. I find your posts to warm, honest and very insightful. No need to be down. You know who you are and your being who you are and thats a wonderful thing.
     
  11. exwhyzee

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    Pup,

    I've wondered all the same questions you are having. I think its fair to say that most gay guys do not live the prescribed life of courtship, marriage, children, family, retirement, death, though that is possible as flamers has shown. A lot of gay folks (and a lot of straight folks too) choose instead to invent their own paths that follow their own lives. Thats not as easy as the prescribed life...but it can be rewarding - and in lots of cases more rewarding for you than the default choices.

    You are only closing in on 30. A lot will happen in your 30s, as you gain more confidence in who you are and focus on what you want to be. Don't get too down on what you haven't achieved, but focus on being prepared on what you want to have in the next few years. Does that include a different job? a partner? more money? world travel? Set some goals and begin to develop your own life path. It will change...so be open to that. In the meantime, many of the best things that have happened in my life occurred when I least expected them...so just enjoy the ride. You will be much happier for it. And remember, you don't have to follow the default life-course unless you choose to.
     
  12. kalipygian

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    RP, you're a sweet guy.

    Some things about straight life I def don't miss, my brother paid enough for a wedding to have made a down payment on a house, my best friend from high school has seven to put through college.
     
  13. Viking_UK

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    Pup, you've always struck me as being a really sweet, kind, caring, gentle guy. I've a feeling that you're a bit shy and insecure and that's why you haven't found the guy (or girl) who deserves you yet. It's not easy to come out of your shell, but I think it's worth it in the end.

    I don't know what your social life is like, but do you play any sports or are you involved in any other activities which involve spending time with other people outside work? I know that sounds trite and patronising, but having fun with other people really makes a difference to your social and sex life.

    It would be easy to go out and have casual sex, but I don't think you're that kind of guy. I'd say you were waiting for Mr Right. I hope you find each other.

    As for ordinary life, it's different for everybody. I've been with my current other half for 13 years now and know couples who've been together for up to 60 years and people who can't hang on to a partner for more than a few weeks. I'd say that the best way to be happy is to be at peace with yourself and then, if you get any extra good feeling from friends and relationships, it's all icing on the cake as it were. Basically, what I'm saying is that you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. There are a lot of single people, gay and straight, who are content for whatever reason.

    Another point is that love or lust often finds you when you aren't looking for it. You'll maybe turn round in the supermarket this weekend and bump into Mr Right.

    Anyway, enough of my rambling. Whatever happens, keep smiling. It does make you feel better and it also makes people wonder what you've been up to!
     
  14. erratic

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    Rugbypup, if any of your straight friends had to deal with homophobia for a day they'd probably go screaming into the closet. We've come a long way, but the state of the queer world, by and large, pretty much sucks. You're right. And you know what? It takes a long time to deal with that.

    We don't get high school to do that puppy love thing. We have to see the world, this big 24/7 straight sex media orgy, telling us (and straight people too, mind you) what we should do, which, of course, is be attractive, fall in love (but only with someone of the opposite sex) and have children. We get this from day one. It takes a lot of work to undo all that brainwashing just so that you can put your lips on another man's and not have some part of you go "Wait, what???". This I know very well is true.

    So please, Rugbypup, don't freak out that you haven't done all that. Straight people, like any group with privilege over a minority, have a collosal head start over queer people. The whole planet has designed it to be so. Remind yourself that these people in your life will most likely be dealing with divorce and infidelity before you know it, while you'll be able to construct your romantic life as an adult - not an irrational teenager - and make one that works for you. Starting with your first kiss.
     
  15. Rugbypup

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    *Pup has squeezed himself into the tight dark space between the wall and the back of the sofa and doesn't want to come out or play just yet.*
     
  16. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    don't rush it, mate ... take as much time as you need

    whenever you're ready

    we'll be here
     
  17. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I think poufs are what lords sit on.
     
  18. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    Just for you there should be a head patting smilie.

    You'll be okay, luv! :hug:
    If you ever need to hear some inspiration for change, or a boot to the hindquarters :)biggrin1:), let me know. :hug:
     
  19. D_Portelay Porquesword

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    I have had many questions about my life as a gay man.
    There were issues with my parents as my dad was a minister. It wasn't until after they both passed away that I came out. (I consider myself blessed in that regard, it would have broken their hearts.)

    All my growing up there was always the exception when it came to me. For the longest time I took this to mean that I had missed out on something my other siblings were somehow entitled to, or that I didn't fit because I was possibly "born late". (The youngest of 4 here.)

    I have since come to realize not only is everyone unique, it is in that very uniqueness that life choses to somehow express itself. I am unique, there is only one like me. (only one like you.) There is potential in this ideal. One that can expand your awareness in ways you never thought possible.

    My life has changed this year, the old baggage and pain of the past is no longer how I choose to define myself. You never know what good life has in store for you, the universe is a big ole place and there is plenty for everyone. Including me and you.

    Hang in there. The best is yet to come ;)
     
  20. Rugbypup

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    This I understand all too well.
     
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