Ordinary People

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by earllogjam, Dec 9, 2008.

  1. earllogjam

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    Have you never bonded with one or both of your parents?

    I need to confess that even when I was 4 or 5 I never really liked my father and to this day never have really felt close to him. Are kids like dogs in that they naturally like certain people when they are born?
     
  2. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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  3. earllogjam

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    Thanks Jason,

    I forgot how much a bitch Mary Tyler Moore was in that movie. lol.
     
  4. Not_Punny

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    Perfectly normal.

    Some people are un-empathetic (kinder than saying, "douchbags"), and kids are very sensitive to the genuine-ness of people.
     
  5. earllogjam

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    It's odd though because aren't you supposed to bond with the people who raise you?
     
  6. Principessa

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    I'm an only child and very close to my parents. There have been times in my life when I was closer to one parent than the other; but I have definetely bonded with them. I dread the day when they pass, as I know I will be devastated. :frown1:

    Funny you should mention this. My aunt Louise has always said if a kid don't like you and a dog don't like you, then I don't want nothing to do with you.:biggrin1: I believe that most children and animals have a built in bullshit/evil meter. They sense if you are either one.:cool:
     
  7. earllogjam

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    Funny you should mention this. My aunt Louise has always said if a kid don't like you and a dog don't like you, then I don't want nothing to do with you.:biggrin1: I believe that most children and animals have a built in bullshit/evil meter. They sense if you are either one.:cool:[/QUOTE]

    But the thing is my dad's not a bad person at all. I just don't really like him - never have. At times I do feel guilty for feeling this way.
     
  8. whatireallywant

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    Me too...

    The funny thing is, I seem to have what I jokingly call "animal magnetism" in that animals LOVE me! :biggrin1: I've only known of one dog that didn't want to come right up to me when it was around me. Cats love me too but being cats, are a little more skittish unless they are my cats or they are friends' cats. Then there was the llama that tried to come up to me at a fair once, and a camel at a zoo! :biggrin1:

    Also, even more strange is that little kids seem to love me and try to get around me, even though I don't really like kids! (Too noisy!)

    I guess I'm a good person then, despite not liking being around little kids because of all the noise (Actually, I found that I didn't even like being around adults if they made a lot of high-pitched noise, either, so it's truly the NOISE and not kids, that I don't like...)
     
  9. Principessa

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    Maybe it's just that you don't understand him because he doesn't fit into the box of 'Todays Dad.'

    I'm 42 and while I have sometimes not liked my dad (mainly the teen years) I have always loved him. My dad was like a 1950's tv dad. He went to work and provided for his family. He came home every night and we ate dinner by 6:00 PM. He'd help me with my homework and we'd play a board game or watch tv until my bedtime.

    My dad never changed a diaper, but he did teach me how to change a flat tire, spray gum out into the carburetor after prying it open with a screwdriver on our old Chevy wagon, and scramble eggs for 30 people. Dad was active in the church and frequently cooked for the Men's Communion Breakfast. :biggrin1:

    His thoughts on many things were so old fashioned as to be antiquated to me. I did not/do not like how he resists change so fervently; but I still love him.
     
  10. ManlyBanisters

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    I don't believe you are 'supposed to' anything when it comes to relationships. It is just one of those things - don't beat yourself up for it. It probably isn't anyone's fault and apportioning blame is pretty much pointless anyway.

    If you feel you'd like to do something about your current relationship with your father then maybe try to find an activity you can enjoy together - could be anything from fishing to playing cards, jigsaws, going to the movies - anything at all. It is never too late to bond.

    If, however, you are trying to understand and quantify a past relationship with your father, my advice is don't. You'll never be 4 again and while it might seem that it matters there is nothing at all you can do about a past relationship that never happened - the most honest and loving thing you can do now is have the relationship you have and develop it to the best of your abilities.

    Oh - and don't feel bound by other people's feelings on the matter. There are only 2 people in your relationship with your father - you and him.
     
    #10 ManlyBanisters, Dec 9, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2008
  11. earllogjam

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    I still love my dad it's just that I don't really like him all that much as a person. Never have.

    Thanks for the advice MB. Certainly makes a lot of sense. It's just during the holiday times the lack of a relationship with dad grates on me more than usual.
     
  12. D_Diesel Oyl

    D_Diesel Oyl New Member

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    I liked the movie Ordinary People - my parents were distant and I empathized with the Timothy Hutton charachter. I have watched the movie many times over the years.
     
  13. edmouse

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    One of the big breakthroughs that I know about in psychotherapy (which I have never experienced) is that you don't *have to love your parents. It seems reasonable that a person has to learn this because of the expectations and assumptions you mention. But there could be many reasons powerful or even simple. I certainly never had the kind of bond that is supposed to be typical. Instead of regretting it, I began to look toward other men who might fill that slot in my emotions. I think I'm still looking.

    We also live with our parents much longer than other animals do. If we were capable of leaving earlier maybe we wouldn't think about it as much.

    I was once on tour and a girl got a letter from her father telling her he never wanted to hear from her again. I don't know the intimate circumstances but I was there when she read the letter. It was an awful moment. I don't think she has much obligation here.
     
  14. crescendo69

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    I know Dad loves me, even if he can't allow himself to hug me. He isn't wired that way. But Mom is. I only saw them kiss once.
     
  15. nudeyorker

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    When the movie came out I remember saying to the friend that I saw it with; "Should have been called Typical People"
    Family dynamics are interesting as they evolve over time. I was never close to my father as a child but near the end of his life I understood the historical events from an adult perspective. I was able to put issues aside and he was able to die feeling loved and not alone. Another part of the saga is that I spent most of my childhood disliking my stepfather and time has been able to show me what road he traveled through his life. With this knowledge we are empowered to make adult choices that were not an option to us as children.
     
  16. nudeyorker

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    When the movie came out I remember saying to the friend that I saw it with; "Should have been called Typical People"
    Family dynamics are interesting as they evolve over time. I was never close to my father as a child but near the end of his life I understood the historical events from an adult perspective. I was able to put issues aside and he was able to die feeling loved and not alone. Another part of the saga is that I spent most of my childhood disliking my stepfather and time has been able to show me what road he traveled through his life. With this knowledge we are empowered to make adult choices that were not an option to us as children.
     
  17. B_Austin Blue

    B_Austin Blue New Member

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    I was never super close to both my parents, but as time goes on - the distance is getting huge. I don't like either one of them and wonder how on earth am I even related to them when our morals and way of life are so completely at odds with each other?!
     
  18. Not_Punny

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    The real question is this: Does he LOVE -- and I mean, actively love -- you? Parenting is like putting money in the bank. You only get out what you put in.
     
  19. bigbull29

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    What is about your dad you don't like? I know it's impossible to put it all in words, but could you give a little more detail?

    Is it that he is just so ordinary? His mentality? His sense of humor? His view of the world? His cockiness/arrogance? Just what it is? Is it just he makes you feel uncomfortable about yourself in a very generalized kind of way? Could you give a little hint as to how he makes you feel?

    There are some folks we just don't bond with. Period.

    I don't bond with average Joes. Never have and never will. I just accept it. That doesn't mean that I hate them all, either. I just rather not be bothered with them.:biggrin1:

    I do bond well with my parents, but there are things I can't stand about them, though. But I must admit that I have a funny relationship with them. I often feel like I'm one of their parents because I can tell them to shup the hell up and listen to me, and they do just that. I can say everything and anything to them. It's enjoyable and strange, but bizarre to most Americans.:eek:
     
  20. Not_Punny

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    LOL, good one, BigBull.

    - - - -

    This thread touches a nerve with me. Bonding with my kids was really important to me, as I kinda raised myself. It's the only way I can have a parent -- be one myself.
     
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