Orgasm Responsibility

[Gillette]

Threads about sex happen quite often on here, big surprise. Sometimes we see complaints about bad sex, it happens. Invariably someone will interject that each person is responsible for their own orgasm.

Just how true is this? Are we entirely responsible for our own pleasure when having sex? For masturbation I can accept this but with a partner I think there are more factors involved.

Thoughts? Opinions?

 

[Drifterwood]

I tremble at the thought of giving an opinion about women's orgasms. But here you go.

A lot is in your head - if you tell yourself that you don't have an orgasm from intercourse then you probably won't etc. The responsibility for both the desire to orgasm and the will to be open to having orgasms rests with the individual. Then it is down to the ability of the partner and you to get it on.

BTW - if I come too soon, you're responsible for being so damn hot, I couldn't help myself :biggrin1:

 

[Osiris]

You are only responsible to the point of being responsible for what emotional baggage you bring into it. My wife loves it when I am super stressed, she gets lot's of orgasms because I won't.

 

[Gillette]

Very well said, both of you.

What about communication and mechanics? Some women like having their cervix pounded for others it simply hurts. By the same token a woman could be using too soft a grip to give you much stimulation or have a strangle hold on you that might cause pain.

I tremble at the thought of giving an opinion about women's orgasms.

You tremble at the thought of women's orgasms, period.

 

[Osiris]

Communication is key, but men and women alike often think that telling the person what you like during sex will offend and on the flip side, being told would make the recipient view the other as bossy. No one wants to be made to feel they suck in bed.

My wife and I were like that for years. One day we talked about what we liked and didn't like in great detail. that afternoon, we practically destroyed the bedroom.

You tremble at the thought of women's orgasms, period.

I tremble when she DOES have an orgasm.

 

[Ethyl]

Very well said, both of you.
What about communication and mechanics?

Communication is key, especially when you're not getting what you want from the other person. If someone is not doing something I want, it's my responsibility to inform them of my desires and even teach them if necessary. If they refuse to do what I ask or follow what I teach, then they are shirking their responsibility as a lover.

You tremble at the thought of women's orgasms, period.

Predictable, isn't he? :biggrin1:

 

[B_ScaredLittleBoy]

"When I'm in you, your job is to make me cum, bitch!" :tongue:

Y'all better recognise...hehe.

Seriously though, it would be nice if a girl made me cum. Some times they haven't and it's been a let down (figuratively)...it's always so much better when someone else's hand/mouth/wagina has made me cum.

I always try to make sure my partner cums too. My presence in her bed would be kind of redundant if I didn't give her an O :redface:

 

[Marina67]

Having just read and replied to the thread on Healthy Penis "anyone else have this problem" regarding a young man who indicates he's having problems climaxing during sex with his girlfriend (but not during masturbation), I actually assume that you're referring to each male and female partners. A link to that other discussion for reference:
http://www.lpsg.org/the-healthy-penis/62125-anyone-else-have-this-problem.html

Just by nature of this forum, I think many of us will acknowledge that sexuality is a lot more complicated than many people may appreciate.

The adage, "each person is responsible for their own orgasm" is oft-repeated and oft-believed. I think it has some validity, but doesn't acknowledge how complicated and intertwined each person's contributions are in a sexual encounter and relationship. In a fair relationship, each partner can and should communicate about what their desires and needs are and each partner can and should respond to the extent that they can. Very often, though, these aren't enough for too many reasons. Sometimes it is physical. Sometimes there are psychological factors beyond conscious awareness and control. Sometimes it's other things altogether.

As it is, the emphasis on orgasm as both a desired and necessary part of sex, I think, has the effect of skewing sexuality to a too-simple concept. Some people have had very knee-jerk and expected orgasms, but is their overall sex life really any good? Do they actually enjoy their partners (and do their partners really enjoy them) ? Some people seem to be anorgasmic, but yet will say and believe that they genuinely enjoy their sexuality and partners.

At worst, in some unhealthy relationships some partners may use their own (or their partners') orgasms and sexual preferences / desires to manipulate their partners in a passive-aggressive fashion. This actually includes this like withholding sex, or badgering for sex, or demanding/requiring sexual standards or otherwise reducing their partner as being inadequate or ungrateful (all done skillfully in passive-aggressive fashion).

Sex is more than just orgasm, though orgasm is considered a vital component.

 

[bobabooey69]

Just how true is this? Are we entirely responsible for our own pleasure when having sex? For masturbation I can accept this but with a partner I think there are more factors involved.

Thoughts? Opinions?

For our own pleasure? No. But we are responsible to educate our partners in what works best for us, they aren't mindreaders right?

 

[Drifterwood]

I have found obsession with female orgasm to be a fulfilling path.

Strangely I remain friends with the people I have had the pleasure of knowing. :smile:

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

You're not solely responsible, part of being in a partnership means that you want to please the other person, but you are responsible for not telling them that you're not enjoying your sex life with them. Some women feel unable to tell a guy that he's not pleasing her, feeling that his ego will somehow crumble if she does so, guys aren't that fragile and we don't have to say 'you're crap in bed' we can guide and encourage them to do what we enjoy without sledgehammering them with criticism.

 

[Captain Elephant]

While I certainly do not feel responsible for my wife's orgasm, it does bring me an immense amount of pleasure when I give her one. She calls me Mr. Automatic; I'm look the best field-goal kicker - always good for the three-pointer.

I do not always orgasm during sex, however, and I've made it abundantly clear to her that it's not her problem. It's not mine either, sometimes it just doesn't happen. I'm either worn out (usually) or time's up.

The good news is that we never give up.

 

[Gillette]

Having just read and replied to the thread on Healthy Penis "anyone else have this problem" regarding a young man who indicates he's having problems climaxing during sex with his girlfriend (but not during masturbation), I actually assume that you're referring to each male and female partners. A link to that other discussion for reference:
http://www.lpsg.org/the-healthy-penis/62125-anyone-else-have-this-problem.html

Just by nature of this forum, I think many of us will acknowledge that sexuality is a lot more complicated than many people may appreciate.

*snipped for space*

Sex is more than just orgasm, though orgasm is considered a vital component.

If we had a system rating posts for excellence you'd have just gotten my vote.

 

[MrGoodDate]

My motto is: with me women come first, or with me my lady comes first.

The joy of sex is when an orgasm is shared. We get as we give.
My first experience with a woman was in college when she dry humped me, all our clothes on,,, and had a giant orgasm.
Nice thing is a woman can have multiple orgasms. One time my woman had ten,, during a special evening out, driving to and from dinner, then in bed following our evening.
Now my wife thanks me for being so considerate of her. How could I do otherwise.

 

[drgirth]

Do you really think of an orgasm (yours or your partner's) as a responsibility? God, that would ruin it. It's a pleasure, a desire, a want, a need, a thing of beauty, and a moment of ecstacy. But a responsibility? If I felt a responsiblity while I was having sex, I wouldn't cum. It is the ultimate freedom. Every now and then, either my lady or I don't get there, but no one feels let down. It's a part of life.

It's a joy - not a responsibility.

 

[Principessa]

Invariably someone will interject that each person is responsible for their own orgasm.

Just how true is this? Are we entirely responsible for our own pleasure when having sex? No, of course not. If it were all about me, then why is he even there? For masturbation I can accept this but with a partner I think there are more factors involved. Thoughts? Opinions?

Communication is key, especially when you're not getting what you want from the other person. If someone is not doing something I want, it's my responsibility to inform them of my desires and even teach them if necessary. If they refuse to do what I ask or follow what I teach, then they are shirking their responsibility as a lover.

:biggrin1:

I encountered a man like that once . . .just once. :tongue: I gave him ample opportunity and firm yet gentle instruction. He has since been banned from my bedroom.

For our own pleasure? No. But we are responsible to educate our partners in what works best for us, they aren't mindreaders right?

What? Men aren't mind readers? Gee, that explains quite a bit. :tongue:

drgirth] Do you really think of an orgasm (yours or your partner's) as a responsibility? God, that would ruin it. It's a pleasure, a desire, a want, a need, a thing of beauty, and a moment of ecstacy. But a responsibility? If I felt a responsiblity while I was having sex, I wouldn't cum. It is the ultimate freedom. Every now and then, either my lady or I don't get there, but no one feels let down. It's a part of life.

It's a joy - not a responsibility.

Very well said! :smile:

 

[Bbucko]

I don't always ejaculate, but it's because I edge too long. I've either raised the bar on sensation so high that it's borderline impossible, or else I've worn my sex partner out and he's tired. At these times I snuggle and content myself with the pleasure I've experienced. Ultimately it is my responsibility. If I wanna cum, I know what's required and I'm not shy about communicating my needs.

Maybe it's different for women, but I kinda doubt it. It's what the Pretender's Mystery Achievement was all about.

 

[Love-it]

I just like to be involved.

 

[Drifterwood]

How do you know when your wife has had an orgasm?

She'll call you.

If people want good sex, they should know themselves and work what does it for them with their partner(s). As someone said above, none of us are mind readers. This doesn't stop you finding out new things though, just the basics about yourself is a good responsibility to take on board.

 

[SereneBlue]

You're not solely responsible, part of being in a partnership means that you want to please the other person, but you are responsible for not telling them that you're not enjoying your sex life with them. Some women feel unable to tell a guy that he's not pleasing her, feeling that his ego will somehow crumble if she does so, guys aren't that fragile and we don't have to say 'you're crap in bed' we can guide and encourage them to do what we enjoy without sledgehammering them with criticism.

Apologies for bumping an old thread but I wanted to throw my 2 bits in on this. I like what SpoiledPrincess says here and for the most part I think it's probably true. I've also had the exact opposite experience though.

I did all the things sex therapists, message board posters, advice columnists, friends and sex help books said to do - Talk to him tactfully about it. Basically I asked if we could try out some things to see if I could start having orgasms too. He got angry.

My last relationship (going on 2 years of celibacy now) broke up partly because I grew tired of 10 years of not getting sexual pleasure while he always did. He was ok with me never having orgasms nor of ever changing our routine. According to him the majority of women are incapable of having orgasms during sex - why should I think I would or could be any different.

I've lost those 10 years but I guess it taught me a lesson. A friend of mine says ultimately in any relationship you get precisely what you tolerate. I think I'm the Poster Child of her saying. After we split up I vowed never again to settle for a man who was ok with me having orgasm-less sex.