This is a very complex, interesting subject.
One thing I know for sure is that negative emotions and resentment between partners in a couple can affect their desire to have sex with each other. I believe this is just as true for men as it is for women. Resentment and unresolved conflict are some of the most insidious sex-wreckers in existence.
And recent events have given me new insight into my own psyche -- I've come smack up against my tendency to put up emotional "barriers" in response to having my feelings hurt. This is understandable, but the problem is that the barriers don't easily come down, even after the conflict is resolved. And at that point, it's no longer the other person's responsibility to remove my resentment...it's mine.
Now, I don't get self-protective over everyday irritations or arguments.
What causes me to go into "armor" mode is when I feel abandoned or rejected by someone. When that happens, the wall goes up instantly.
It's a real problem, because in order to feel fully open sexually toward someone, I can't have part of my heart "walled off."
So I'm currently putting myself through a "crash course" in forgiving and letting go, because it's so important to me (and my new partner) that we stay completely honest, open, and authentic with each other. We've seen what can happen when resentments build up and distance grows between two people, and we've made enough of those messes in our lives. Also, we are both extremely sexual, so the last thing we need in this early stage of our relationship is for anything to interfere with our mind-blowing desire for one another.
Interestingly, when I told him how I was feeling -- we'd resolved the conflict but I was still feeling self-protective and "not-quite-safe," just talking about it made the barrier dissipate into thin air. I'm really glad, because just wanting it to go away wasn't working.
And I'm actually quite glad it happened, this early in the relationship, and over an isolated issue, so I could clearly see what I was doing, with no other variables obscuring the truth. Knowledge is power, and the better I know myself, the better partner I can be to someone else.
Over my 14-year marriage to my ex, I let those molehills grow into mountains. I know how and why it happened -- early in the relationship I was very young and far less mature, so I tended to blame everything on him, thus justifying my pulling away. I didn't realize that I needed to "keep my side of the street clean," -- didn't have the insight to see that there are almost always 2 legitimate sides to every conflict.
So, for me, fear of being hurt by or resentment against a specific person can reduce my sexual desire for that person. However, it doesn't reduce my overall desire. I still want to have sex...but not with him. And that's a terrible place to be in a relationship!
I'm determined that I'm not letting that happen again. And when I get determined to do something...look out. I'm stubborn and tenacious as hell.
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Now, looking at the interplay between sex and emotion outside of the "relationship" arena, this is what I'm like:
If I'm tense, I may not become aroused as quickly. But sex is still a wonderful tension reliever. It may take a little more time to get "into it," but as I relax my body, breathe deeply, "let go" of whatever's stressing me out, and sink into sensuality, I become my good-old horny self again.
I get wet and swollen, and can usually orgasm the same way as any other time...after I've relaxed a bit and become aroused.
Then, after I orgasm (however many times it takes to "get it out of my system" that particular time LOL), I feel so much better...I have a more positive outlook on things. Good sex doesn't so much relax me as energize and rejuvenate me...and it helps with my ability to see "unsolvable" problems from a different perspective.
The other day, absolutely nothing could calm me down -- I was so stressed throughout the day that even though several people who care about me told me point blank to relax, I just couldn't!
I didn't relax until I got home, lay down in my quiet bedroom, stroked my clit for a good long while, took deep breaths and gradually let my mind flow toward delicious fantasies.
Later, after I had had 2 satisfying orgasms, I was like a whole different girl. All the tension had gone out of me. And my man instantly discerned the change in my tension level that evening, versus when we'd talked earlier in the day -- it was that obvious.
Anyway, didn't mean to write a magazine article, but as I said, this is a really interesting topic for me (obviously).
