out of practice sexually/lost confidence--advice from F or M

strm4smartf

Experimental Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2013
Posts
102
Media
0
Likes
5
Points
53
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
Through a combination of various personal issues, I've been out of dating/relationships/sex for about 5 years. Some meds I'm now off interfered with my sexual functioning. Prior to the long drought, and in the two times I did have sex during it, I didn't function well with intercourse. Suffered a double-whammy: Trouble getting hard and barely lasting. Had great stamina and no erection problems before this period.

I now fear not functioning very well at first with intercourse as I’m getting out there again. Lost my confidence.

Fucking isn't everything, I know, and I love performing oral sex on a woman (every time--yes, I've received great acclaim for my skills and love of doing it), and love exploring a woman's body in all ways, so I always make an effort to be sure my partner is pleased. But major intercourse failure is embarrassing for a guy. I think I'll get back to normal eventually, but it might take a while.

Wondering if and how I should bring this up with a new female partner the first time (I'm in my, and target-age women are in their, 40s--not talking about 1-night stands).

Should I say something--lightheartedly if so--about being sexually "out-of-shape" when we get to the point of intercourse--beforehand, mention it after, or just go with it without comment? I'd prefer to bring it up somehow but don't want to disclose much about my lack of sex/relationships for so long (and how that resulted from being in a very down period in my life).

Women? Straight guys who've been in same boat with women?

Thanks.
 

ScorpioSlut

Sexy Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jun 25, 2008
Posts
593
Media
11
Likes
83
Points
448
Age
40
Location
Tennessee
Verification
View
Sexuality
99% Straight, 1% Gay
Gender
Female
I think you just mention it light-heartedly at first. If she questions it be prepared to answer honestly. Honesty is everything. I dated a guy who was having that issue because of meds for a while and it was all about coming to an understanding and finding other ways to please each other until it was all sorted out. Bottom line is if a woman makes that big of a deal out of it then she's probably not worth it to begin with.
 

D_Birdy_Swallows

Account Disabled
Joined
Jul 22, 2013
Posts
199
Media
0
Likes
13
Points
53
Do you get hard and cum on your own? If so, don't set yourself up for failure. You don't KNOW it will happen now. And if it does, it's not the end of the world. She may actually be interested in the man attached to the penis.

If it is a problem, talk to your doctor. There are options here.

.
 

strm4smartf

Experimental Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2013
Posts
102
Media
0
Likes
5
Points
53
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
Do you get hard and cum on your own? .

Yes, those aren't problems.

It was just so embarrassing and frustrating for my then GF and I, and also when it started happening years ago with the one woman I was with twice. Though, she continued to pursue me despite it. She gave me incredible compliments about my oral sex skills. One was so extraordinary and unique that I won't repeat it, but I usually get extensive praise from women that I'm the best oral they've experienced--'omigod where did learn how to do that' kind of feedback during and after (which that one ex had said, too). Maybe that means I shouldn't worry about how my penis functions at first.

She may actually be interested in the man attached to the penis..

Well, that's the whole point of what I seek. I'm not seeking one-night stands or very casual sex. That's not me. I fit were non-serious, very casual sex, honestly I wouldn't worry.

The root of the question I guess is do I do myself harm and make myself seem apologetic and insecure by mentioning the issue at all--as simply being out of practice, so to speak--or would it be a way of being direct, upfront, and mature about it to put it on the table?

To be honest, I'm seeing now, in answering you and having written these posts, that I have anxiety about the whole enterprise of getting out there again. It's easy to focus on my cock and stamina because that's a very common male phallo-centric/intercourse perspective on sex--for me apparently.

Thanks.
 

Call_Me_Daddy

Sexy Member
Joined
Mar 22, 2013
Posts
750
Media
0
Likes
41
Points
53
Location
USA
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
I bet if you don't think about your past failures you'll do just fine. There was a point where I'd lost my "mojo" due to a poor sexual relationship, but as soon as I jumped in a new saddle everything was different.



I'd joke about it before-hand if it makes you feel better.

Maybe something along the lines of "I've been on a sexual sabbatical so don't be surprised if a shooting star lasts longer than I do", but to me this seems apologetic.

You could avoid your lack of recent sex and compliment her by saying "I've never been so aroused, don't be surprised if a shooting star lasts longer than I do".

But I'd interject some you both witness that happens very fast during your date for "shooting star".


I bet if you don't think about your past failures you'll do just fine.
 

strm4smartf

Experimental Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2013
Posts
102
Media
0
Likes
5
Points
53
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
I bet if you don't think about your past failures you'll do just fine. There was a point where I'd lost my "mojo" due to a poor sexual relationship, but as soon as I jumped in a new saddle everything was different.

I'd joke about it before-hand if it makes you feel better.

Maybe something along the lines of "I've been on a sexual sabbatical so don't be surprised if a shooting star lasts longer than I do", but to me this seems apologetic.

You could avoid your lack of recent sex and compliment her by saying "I've never been so aroused, don't be surprised if a shooting star lasts longer than I do".

But I'd interject some you both witness that happens very fast during your date for "shooting star".

I bet if you don't think about your past failures you'll do just fine.

Thanks. I'll find a way to address it somehow in a light non-apologetic way--maybe after.

I'm sure aging plays a part along with the long inactivity. But when you used to have no erection problems, have great stamina, and be able to reload quickly and go multiple times, it was humbling not to be able to, or to barely, function. Never considered myself a stud or particularly special, but I put my heart into giving a woman what she wanted and getting what I wanted, too. I'll see how my body works now that I'm older.

While my thinking was always shaped by the understanding that most women don't have O's from intercourse and that, even if so, most say they get their best pleasure from getting oral sex--which I love to do just because so I always do it and revel in it, the jokes and criticism of men in bed seems to focus on erection problems and coming too quickly.

I've even given thought to hiring cheap escorts to test myself out and practice with to get things back to normal, but that sounds more like a movie premise than a plan I'll pursue.
 

pinokio

Loved Member
Joined
May 4, 2013
Posts
471
Media
22
Likes
555
Points
188
Location
Poland
Sexuality
60% Straight, 40% Gay
Gender
Male
Such problems often happen to people who did not have sex for a long time or to virgins or almost-virgins. I know it is difficult to talk to the partner about it, esp. when it is a one night stand not a real relationship... But you should try, maybe not before the intercourse but if it fails. Don't be that afraid of failing again because it may double the effect you want to avoid. I discovered that when I felt unsure about my performance, a bit of alcohol helped me to relax and have long lasting woodie. But of course too much alcohol can work in an opposite way ;P
When the situation gets bad, I think going to the doctor is a good option. Many people suffer from these problems.
 

bustup45

Cherished Member
Joined
Apr 18, 2013
Posts
745
Media
157
Likes
324
Points
98
Location
Brighton (Brighton and Hove, England)
Sexuality
69% Straight, 31% Gay
Gender
Male
i am 43, i have done very little with my life.my mum calls me a failure or a dissapointment to her. she says i need to get a life she knows im so fed up
i admit my life has gone bad on me , im very lonely, i have been depressed for
years. i take anti depressants but they do nothing. the problem is me , i have
slowly started to rot, i have no friends , the ones i had have all done things with
their lives (got girls houses cars jobs some have kids)
I am a loner.i am male. i live with my mother who is 63.i just have no confidence
i have suffered from shyness for years, i do have social problems, i have low self
esteem, i am sad,unhappy,depressed,i hate myself, i hate my life as it is now.
the loneliness hurts , trust me it does. when i see happy couples in public kiss or
hold hands i feel upset and jealous.
it goes back to when i was 13, my father left my mother me and my little brother.
i needed a father figure at an important time in my life -puberty exams teenage stuff. we had not much money, my exam results were not great it affected me not having a father at home with me.
so i got to 20 i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life.i went out with my
best friend from school we went to pubs and bars to try and talk to women.
but i had no confidence i was painfully shy my self esteem was low i had social
problems i found it hard talking to strangers or meeting new people.
so my life went on , i got a rubbish job in a male dominated environment which didnt help me either . i got to 30 i was still a virgin. i liked women im
sure i did but i couldnt talk to them plus i had no confidence in myself.
so at 30 the depression really started. i was lonely. a virgin. i had never seen
a naked woman in my life other than on the tv or in a magazine.
so i started questioning my sexuality because i had never had a girlfriend.
i was lost and lonely, gays were coming out in the papers , 1998 george michael 1999 steven gately 2000 dale winton but i found women attractive,
yet my lack of confidence in my self and my sexual status (zero) confused me
i was doubting my sexuality i was so confused who i was and what i was.
i was sexually frustrated but i had never been attracted to men sexually.
in 2001 this confusion,gayness continued big brother cliff elton john reg kray
michael barrymore all came out as gay. i was a virgin could i be gay too?
that year at last i had a bit of luck, a pretty young mixed race girl came to work with me. we got on well and started dating.she became girlfriend number 1!!
at last at the age of 31 i was going to become a man and finally have sex.
but sadly i was so nervous i did not know what to do with her!!!
we went to her mums , we slept together, she lay there, her legs were open,
any man would know what to do next yes?
but i never had sex in my life , i was under pressure, i was nervous. i had trouble getting erections i could not ejaculate, we went out for 4 months and split up.we never really had sex properly so my virginity remained.
2002 will young big brother fashanu all gay stuff im celibate
2003 big brother ron davis gay stuff im celibate.
2004 spencer elton gay stuff im celibate.
2005 guy little britain gay .
so onto 2005 , i am now 35 years old.My younger brother has became a dad.
i was however celibate, confused,frustrated,lonely, my head was full of doubt
who was i what was i? why could i not perform with that Girl in 2001?
through my crappy job i meet girlfriend number 2. in late 2005.
she is 23 i am 35. i take her home when my mom goes out as i live at home
but my sexual problems remain, she is only the second girl in my life i have
ever been with,we try and do it, but i have all that gay stuff in my head plus
i have the memories of my sexual failures from 4 years earlier.
and again i cant perform properly.i am nervous, i am shy, inexperienced.
i have erection problems i cant ejaculate i am not comfortable its a shambles.
we go out for 6 months and we split up, but shes a nice girl who was sweet about it.most girls would put you down.
so where does this leave me now?
well i dont know. i have not had a girlfriend since girl number 2, 7 years ago!!!
7 whole years, yes im sexually frustrated beyond belief.i have been with a couple of prostitutes but that was cold and again i had problems performing.
so yes at the age of 43 im technically still a virgin, i am scared. im sure that
gay stuff in my head has gone. i find women attractive sexually. men i do not.
i just wish i knew what this mental block was what i have , i want to be happy
i want to find love i want to enjoy sex just like any other adult but what is my
problem??
some guys i will say are good looking but i do not look at men sexually.
please tell me what to do, i have carried this around for far too long i dont want to die like this i want to find happiness so much please help me please.
 

AlteredEgo

Mythical Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2006
Posts
19,176
Media
37
Likes
26,249
Points
368
Location
Hello (Sud-Ouest, Burkina Faso)
Sexuality
No Response
I was dating a guy last year who had those problems as he was starting a new course of medication. It was really difficult to get him hard, and then he came right away. Like you and your friend, he stopped seeing me after two encounters like that. But he made me soooo horny and I liked the way we played together. So I kept trying t reach him long after he randomly stopped returning my phone calls. I don't think I did anything unpleasant to him, so I always figured it had something to do with the problems we had the last two times (frustrating, but not the end of he world) or that his ex wife wasn't an ex.
 

Jillang

Experimental Member
Joined
Mar 6, 2010
Posts
584
Media
0
Likes
18
Points
53
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Female
I think you need to talk to your doctor about it. I understand that it can be embarrassing but it already sounds like you are worried about being embarrassed. Trust me, you won't be the first guy who has had that problem and I'm almost positive you will be happy and feel more confident after you leave. It's a very common problem and nothing to be embarrassed about.
 

D_Birdy_Swallows

Account Disabled
Joined
Jul 22, 2013
Posts
199
Media
0
Likes
13
Points
53
I think you may be obsessing a bit. This happens to guys ocassionally. You know your penis works just fine from masturbating. So the hang up is between your ears. Relax. Find a woman you like, work on the relationship and see what happens. If it is an issue then, talk to her. If she cares about you, she will want to help you through it.
 

strm4smartf

Experimental Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2013
Posts
102
Media
0
Likes
5
Points
53
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
I was dating a guy last year who had those problems as he was starting a new course of medication. It was really difficult to get him hard, and then he came right away. Like you and your friend, he stopped seeing me after two encounters like that. But he made me soooo horny and I liked the way we played together. So I kept trying t reach him long after he randomly stopped returning my phone calls. I don't think I did anything unpleasant to him, so I always figured it had something to do with the problems we had the last two times (frustrating, but not the end of he world) or that his ex wife wasn't an ex.

Good to hear this from the female side. For me, I stopped seeing the woman on a FWB basis because of reasons that had nothing to do with the sex--her ex-h wasn't really an ex in the way she had said he was. What a coincidence, between us, huh? Despite the intercourse/erection problems, she still chased after me for sex; I guess she truly meant what she said about my oral skills. But you know he much so many of us (guys) wrap our sexual identities up in our penises. I appreciate the feedback. Thanks.

I think you may be obsessing a bit...

Yep, I am obsessing aren't I? After my initial post, I've recognized that my anxiety is about getting out there in general, and that it's just easy to focus on the penis functioning issue. Related to my comment to AlteredEgo above, I guess I'm finding out that I'm caught up in the male genital self-reductionism that I am my D sexually.

It's month down the road before I'm ready to start really engaging with women (too much on my plate otherwise right now), so I won't be sharing any stories about how things go anytime soon.

Thanks for the comments.
 

Countryguy63

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Jun 29, 2006
Posts
9,461
Media
36
Likes
7,795
Points
458
Location
near Monterey, Calif.
Verification
View
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Male
Ok, this is going to sound so cliche', because of where we are, but....

Are you wearing condoms? If so, are they possibly too tight?

I ask because I went through this. Ask anyone who knows me, I am very critical of myself, and at that point in my life, the thought that I MAY have a "large penis" was laughable to me.

I had been married for 12 years, and had never worn a condom. (I know, I know, stupid prior to getting married). Once I got divorced and was dating, I knew that I had better start. So I went out and bought some regular sized condoms.

Like you, I had absolutely no problems getting and staying hard while masturbating, or for me, getting head. However, when it came to intercourse, staying hard was an issue. At the time, I was seriously fighting my same sex attraction, and it really bothered me, as I was starting to fear that it was because I was with women.
*sidenote* I was not having intercourse with guys, just jacking and oral, so didn't realize it would have happened with them also in the same situation.

Anyway, fast forward, someone told me that when I got hard, I got extremely thick and suggested that I try Magnums. I actually laughed, but she expressed how serious she was. Reluctantly (I was super afraid that I would try them and they would fall off :redface:) I bought some and we tried it, and just like that, the problem went away. I also noticed that the red ring at the base of my penis, that I always thought was normal, was no longer there, or at least as prominent.

You've probably already considered this, but thought I would bring it up, as it wasn't something I would have realized myself. :smile:
 

OhWiseOne

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Nov 15, 2010
Posts
4,518
Media
251
Likes
2,967
Points
358
Location
Florida
Verification
View
Sexuality
60% Straight, 40% Gay
Gender
Male
I can't add much to what has already been said. I would say not to mention it your partner before you have sex. It may go just fine and why post a neon sign on highway. :)
If it helps most men will have this happen at some point in their life *points at self*. It is a punch in the gut but there is that person out there that cares about you, will understand and support you. Maybe I shouldn't have used the word "support". :/
I'm not speaking for the ladies here but good oral skills will offset a lot and it sounds like you have "the skills" so live long and prosper *Vulcan hand sign*.
I guess my point is relax and don't let your wang dictate your life. :)

Second option is hit on the ladies that have posted to your thread. Damn they can be so sexy....:tongue:

Final note, hopefully I added some value or at the least got you to stop focusing on....don't think about it.....yes I meant ice cream. :biggrin1:
 

OhWiseOne

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Nov 15, 2010
Posts
4,518
Media
251
Likes
2,967
Points
358
Location
Florida
Verification
View
Sexuality
60% Straight, 40% Gay
Gender
Male
Ok, this is going to sound so cliche', because of where we are, but....

Are you wearing condoms? If so, are they possibly too tight?

I ask because I went through this. Ask anyone who knows me, I am very critical of myself, and at that point in my life, the thought that I MAY have a "large penis" was laughable to me.

I had been married for 12 years, and had never worn a condom. (I know, I know, stupid prior to getting married). Once I got divorced and was dating, I knew that I had better start. So I went out and bought some regular sized condoms.

Like you, I had absolutely no problems getting and staying hard while masturbating, or for me, getting head. However, when it came to intercourse, staying hard was an issue. At the time, I was seriously fighting my same sex attraction, and it really bothered me, as I was starting to fear that it was because I was with women.
*sidenote* I was not having intercourse with guys, just jacking and oral, so didn't realize it would have happened with them also in the same situation.

Anyway, fast forward, someone told me that when I got hard, I got extremely thick and suggested that I try Magnums. I actually laughed, but she expressed how serious she was. Reluctantly (I was super afraid that I would try them and they would fall off :redface:) I bought some and we tried it, and just like that, the problem went away. I also noticed that the red ring at the base of my penis, that I always thought was normal, was no longer there, or at least as prominent.

You've probably already considered this, but thought I would bring it up, as it wasn't something I would have realized myself. :smile:

Are you done or do you want to brag somemore about your magnum....:rolleyes: