Outed by a jerk.. aka someone I trusted/loved

buck8

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My feelings are mixed but empathetic. Your ex-bf was pressuring you, which is never good. Instead, it should have been an ongoing conversation (not argument) about how your coming to terms with sexual fluidity and lack of disclosure to loved ones impacts the relationship. He should have expressed the importance of affirmation when being in a relationship, because certainly you would have given that affirmation to a female partner. This situation can lead him to feel insignificant and cause harm to his emotional well-being. Personally, after having been in a couple of relationships with men who were closeted, I now know not to commit to anything beyond a FWB arrangement with somebody who isn't out. To enter into a deeper, more romantic relationship with someone who hasn't come to terms with his sexuality, nor expressed it to family and friends, leads to a lot of frustration for the person who is solidly out and confident with his sexuality. I don't know who initiated the path toward becoming more deeply involved, or if it was a mutual, organic evolution, but please, do not seek out a romantic relationship with a same-sex partner until you've come to terms with your sexuality and feel confident with expressing your love for another man to others in your life. Otherwise, if you're seeking that kind of loving relationship, but have no plans to affirm it, then--and I say this as tough love--you're being selfish. Consider what that might do to the other person and put his emotional needs above yours. That said, I'm sorry it happened this way, and I hope you work through it to the point where you can be comfortable with yourself and future relationships. Cheers!
 

8Cylinder

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Cringe. You're just confirming you're gay in the most annoying way possible. "Not defensively"? That is the definition of defensive.
You’ve taken me out of context. I have no submarine stealth approach to being gay. True equality is not being treated differently by adhering to a label. I detest brand sexuality and all the ridiculous propaganda it generates on both sides of the equation. What started as Pride is becoming an “in-your-face, bitch” fulcrum point that rather than opening doors and minds is further isolating us from the correct perception that gay is as normal as air, and drawing out useless personal attacks. Careful with your brands… I have been organic in everything I do and viciously independent in my thinking since birth, and this is not a choice, but the expression of my true nature. Everyone I know knows I like men, I’ve never hidden who I am, not even for you. I simply accept no labels. When will the LBGTQIA? Conformity chain end? It’s the opposite of inclusive, rather it suggests you must be only as labeled, a divisive and incorrect approach to individual equality. Gross, cringe, and upchuck .
 
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Andrej_u

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Labels are incredibly important.
When the label "gay" did not exist, gay people had no way of realising that they were not the only ones in the world! They could only look around and think "let's see... Am I a f** or an invert or an abomination against nature?". Inventing the word "gay" ("homosexual" and "homophile" before that) was incredibly powerful.

There is a reason why, with increasing freedom, the number of labels is increasing too. Things like being queer or demisexual or non-binary are identities that already existed before, but they are only recently starting to be claimed. The idea that a straight man might not want to have sex with every hot woman, but just with the ones he's emotionally and intellectually attracted to... It's still not widely accepted in many "macho" societies, and having a label such as "demisexual" is a powerful tool to bring people together and not to divide. Again, I don't understand in what way a label can be divisive and not unifying.

N.B.: labels are tools, not boxes. Being gay does not exclude being a football fan or being a carpenter or a knitter, and there is no codified way of being gay, other than sharing the primary attraction for men.
 

opinionman

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You’ve taken me out of context. I have no submarine stealth approach to being gay. True equality is not being treated differently by adhering to a label. I detest brand sexuality and all the ridiculous propaganda it generates on both sides of the equation. What started as Pride is becoming an “in-your-face, bitch” fulcrum point that rather than opening doors and minds is further isolating us from the correct perception that gay is as normal as air, and drawing out useless personal attacks. Careful with your brands… I have been organic in everything I do and viciously independent in my thinking since birth, and this is not a choice, but the expression of my true nature. Everyone I know knows I like men, I’ve never hidden who I am, not even for you. I simply accept no labels. When will the LBGTQIA? Conformity chain end? It’s the opposite of inclusive, rather it suggests you must be only as labeled, a divisive and incorrect approach to individual equality. Gross, cringe, and upchuck .
Powerfully poetic, man.
 
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8Cylinder

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Labels are incredibly important.
When the label "gay" did not exist, gay people had no way of realising that they were not the only ones in the world! They could only look around and think "let's see... Am I a f** or an invert or an abomination against nature?". Inventing the word "gay" ("homosexual" and "homophile" before that) was incredibly powerful.

There is a reason why, with increasing freedom, the number of labels is increasing too. Things like being queer or demisexual or non-binary are identities that already existed before, but they are only recently starting to be claimed. The idea that a straight man might not want to have sex with every hot woman, but just with the ones he's emotionally and intellectually attracted to... It's still not widely accepted in many "macho" societies, and having a label such as "demisexual" is a powerful tool to bring people together and not to divide. Again, I don't understand in what way a label can be divisive and not unifying.

N.B.: labels are tools, not boxes. Being gay does not exclude being a football fan or being a carpenter or a knitter, and there is no codified way of being gay, other than sharing the primary attraction for men.
Labels are incredibly important.
When the label "gay" did not exist, gay people had no way of realising that they were not the only ones in the world! They could only look around and think "let's see... Am I a f** or an invert or an abomination against nature?". Inventing the word "gay" ("homosexual" and "homophile" before that) was incredibly powerful.

There is a reason why, with increasing freedom, the number of labels is increasing too. Things like being queer or demisexual or non-binary are identities that already existed before, but they are only recently starting to be claimed. The idea that a straight man might not want to have sex with every hot woman, but just with the ones he's emotionally and intellectually attracted to... It's still not widely accepted in many "macho" societies, and having a label such as "demisexual" is a powerful tool to bring people together and not to divide. Again, I don't understand in what way a label can be divisive and not unifying.

N.B.: labels are tools, not boxes. Being gay does not exclude being a football fan or being a carpenter or a knitter, and there is no codified way of being gay, other than sharing the primary attraction for men.
But not to society. It only increases homophobia and creates anxiety. Contrary to your assertion, gay men never had any trouble finding each other. When 18 (1973) I met people personally and had real conversations, which within a few minutes let you know everything you needed to know. A label tells you little to nothing about the person, rather pegs an identity to your head that is often misleading. These contortions lead to anxiety resulting in absurdity. “I identify as a trans female gay woods faery squirrel.” WTF?
 

cedarizzo

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I'm sorry that happened to you. This "boyfriend" doesn't sound like a friend. Your coming out is such a personal experience and you are the only one that should have had the choice about coming out, it was never about him. If he wanted to date you, he should accept you for who you are. Some people have such a need to label everything (or everybody). Just be you!
 
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northernirish

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I also got outed by one of my best friends to around 6 guys that were in my circle. They all quickly stopped speaking to me after that, so I do understand where you are coming from. In hindsight though, I am glad that it happened so soon as it meant I was able to cut them all out of my life completely and not give them any thought!
 

Veggiesguy

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I am sorry you had to experience this and thank you for sharing your story. I was outed too when I was 12 (by the boy I had a crush on) and had no security blanket to protect me from bullies and insensitive remarks at the time. Your sexuality is your own and no one has the right to make the decision to come out for you. You did the right thing to cut ties with your ex boyfriend, he did the worst thing a partner could do, which naturally broke the core of your trust in him.

As adults It's important to show empathy for anyone who struggles with their sexuality. We're no immune to isolation, fear, shame and the best we can do to someone experiencing those feelings is to give them support and a shoulder to rest on when the pressure gets too much. You deserve to find the right person that will understand your emotional needs, someone that has the maturity to never kick in your integrity or trap you out of your safety net, forcing you to be vulnerable against your will. Best wishes for your dating life.