Outed by a jerk.. aka someone I trusted/loved

MisterB

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I don't have any sympathy for you; I'm on your ex-bf's side. How are you a grown man living in America and still in the closet and craving everyone's approval like you're a child? There's really no excuse for that. Grow up you are literally sabotaging your happiness. You never would have came out if not for your ex-bf. You literally went back into the closet after he generously did it for you. How cowardly.
So judgmental toward someone you don't know. :confounded:
its just the truth babe
It's YOUR truth.

You have no basis upon which to judge him. None.

Because you don't know the OP. You don't know his life's circumstances.

OP, like everyone else, is entitled to decide how he wishes to live his life. And reveal aspects of his life to others as he wishes to. Or not.

Not the BF. Not anyone else.

And especially not you! : unamused:
 

chrisrobin

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People should like you for being you.
Coming out publicly is a big deal
Most of those close enough to you will have an inkling of your sexual preferences.
But if my friends only like me because I'm gay then they are not true friends.
The ones that want to put it on a billboard are welcome, to prance around screaming to the world - well that's their choice.
I never made a big thing of it with my mum, she met my friends as friends of mine, not as my lovers. Only once did I see her flinch when my love of some 12 years told her we were splitting, it was really a way of getting at me, but not nice.
Who you sleep with, what you do is between you and your bed companion and not the subject of interminable facebook postings.
 
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opinionman

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its just the truth babe
"It's just the truth" is the "Shield" that people use when they want to be awful to someone else without taking responsibility for being an asshole. The key word is "just--as if struggling with sexuality and a friend's betrayal were a mere nothing. It's a way of wriggling out of "owning" what one says.
This guy opened his heart to us, and you stomped all over it, all sactimonious and holier-than-thou. Who are YOU to judge?
Maybe you should tell us about some of YOUR less-than-perfect aspects so we can tell you how to improve...
 
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organic_choice

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"It's just the truth" is the "Shield" that people use when they want to be awful to someone else without taking responsibility for being an asshole. The key word is "just--as if struggling with sexuality and a friend's betrayal were a mere nothing. It's a way of wriggling out of "owning" what one says.
This guy opened his heart to us, and you stomped all over it, all sactimonious and holier-than-thou. Who are YOU to judge?
Maybe you should tell us about some of YOUR less-than-perfect aspects so we can tell you how to improve...
its not that srs
 

Aphradight

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Having something like that happen never feels very good. I’m sorry that happened to you. Similar thing happened between my father and me. Not sure if it was good or bad. I may have never be ready to tell him, but it was a painful time. Things got better. A lot better. I hope time and love helps people near you cultivate understanding and acceptance.
 
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MerBoy

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I avoid people that think it's important to put everything on social media. Fake, fake, fake. I have friends that don't even use it. Sounds like this guy was more concerned with that than his relationship with you.
 
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deleted627832

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Thank you, for sharing your story and it is your story.
But, anyone of us would feel that way. No matter what our sexuality is. Because, it took your choice away. Just enjoy being and a nice friendship or more (your choice). So, what you learn for next time...you both sit down and agree on your terms of the partnership.
Love and Best to you, partner.
 

ohyeah379

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I was in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship for 13 years before I decided I couldn't take it anymore. My ex wife was not a very nice person. It started off nice, but through the years it got worse and worse to the point I decided I wanted to separate. So, as it was final in 2019 I started talking to people, going on dates. I was really just exploring my sexuality because I'm one of the 50/50 people where I find real love and attraction to both sexes. Dating women sucked, really. I felt like I was being interviewed for someone to take care of them for the rest of my life by the questions they asked, and how they made me feel. The ones who didn't make me feel that way, I usually didn't find myself wanting a long-term relationship with them, or the vibes just weren't there for me. And for dating guys, it was always more fun, and they were always a little more willing to go exploring with me (go on my boat, come to my house, go on excursions out of town, fly somewhere). So, I seemed to begin focusing on finding dates with guys versus girls.

Well, in 2021 on Cinco De Mayo, I met someone at a restaurant in downtown Houston, and we got to chatting it up. We ended up going to a few bars and having some drinks. He was a native, and I only come in town once a month to check on my company, so I didn't really know the are as well. I followed him around and it was a really fun time. Ended up, we met again a couple times before I left back to my home in Florida, and he said he would come back with me and see what Florida life is all about.

I took him on my boat, we went to some car meets, went to some private bars in my community and cruised around South Florida just having fun while we did it.

So fast forward six months, we officially call ourselves "boyfriends" (he was super slow to commit to anything and so was I). All of a sudden, he was getting mad at me when we went anywhere and I introduced him as "my friend".

I was getting the talk every night about how he felt like I was embarrassed of him, or myself and I needed to just "rip the band-aid off" and tell everyone about my sexuality.

I agreed, I said I would tell my few CLOSE friends, and then any stranger we met I'd tell them immediately. And I did.. and just as I figured, nobody cared. (but they were surprised, because I'm pretty straight/masculine acting and nobody would ever suspect a thing).

Fast forward a little bit, maybe a month, and now THAT wasn't good enough for him. He wanted me to post it on my Facebook, and tell my parents & family. He wanted me to be 100% OUT.

In February 2022 he said he was coming to Miami for a bachelorette party (I guess the token gay dude is always invited to those?) and I told him "Great, I don't want to intrude, but lets make sure we get dinner". So, we made plans to take a river cruise, and after eat at KiKis on the water and I would meet his best lady friend and her friends.

We all drank a lot, and we hit some other bars after and started doing shots. He got drunk and started harping to all of the ladies about how I'm so insecure with myself I won't just tell my family. And as we got more stupid drunk, and the night was coming to a close, we all hopped in an Uber to go back to my place.

It was at that point, in an Uber, him and his friends made me call my Mom at 3:45am on Facetime and tell her that I was gay, this was my boyfriend and I'm letting the entire world know. Then, he got my phone and posted a photo of us kissing on my Facebook with all my family, my ex, my kids, my friends to see.

The next day when I woke up I immediately remembered it. I went on there, and I had a hundred notifications, likes, reacts, comments. I didn't even read them because I had so much anxiety - I just deleted the post and shut the app off. Then, I look at my texts and it was everything from "did you get hacked?" to, "what are you doing? to "do you need to talk to someone?". My mom texted me "Want to elaborate on last night?".

It made me a quite sad that my "coming out" wasn't going to be how I'd imagined it. I felt like I didn't get a chance to do it my way, and I felt like the closet was just blown apart around me, and I was standing there like a moron with all my friends and family as onlookers.

As for him, he said he was genuinely sorry he did it, and he was just acting out of emotion and alcohol with his friends.

I felt like I didn't trust him anymore, and it is very hard to explain, but I started feeling resentment towards him. I slowed down my communication, stopped inviting him to my place, and when I went to Houston for work I didn't let him know so he didn't drop by to see me. In the end, I finally told him I did not want to see him anymore. It was heart breaking for both of us, but I just couldn't bare to look at him after that. I had so much resentment in me (which I truly regret).

Next, I did something stupid. I called up this doctor I met at a TikiBar on the beach in Fort Lauderdale. I asked her to dinner and we actually hit it off. I was posting photos with her everywhere. She was actually quite beautiful, and genuinely a good person. I realized though, I was doing this to prove something to everyone... and it was going to just hurt us both in the end. I was for sure physically attracted to her, and I loved hanging out, the sex, and her company but I didn't see myself in a long term relationship with her. I just got out of a 13 year relationship, I don't want to go back to doing the domesticated stuff right away. I wanted my alone time to work on myself, projects I've been putting off, business plans I made.. So, I ended it with her as well after a couple months.

I don't think anyone knows what I am now. I'm sure people talk about my sexuality, but they probably can't put a finger on whether I'm gay or straight. When someone asks me, I just reply "I am me". I'm me, I don't know what label to put on myself, but I like what I like. I'm sure they think I'm like a freelance sex provider to whoever I decide to date at any given time. Who knows?

Anyways, that is the story of how I got the door blown off my closet and came out to everyone on FB. I still have anxiety about that night, but it gets better as time goes on.

But for those who may have someone going through this, let them come out at their will. Don't do the "Rip the band-aid off" routine. It's tragic. Like me, they may dream about that day where they tell their mother and give her a hug because she will still love them the same, or dream of the acceptance from their father. But if you force them, you're ripping that away from them, and that really hurts.

And for my Mom and Dad.. We just don't talk about that subject......


I hate this for you. Some guys are so childish and immature they think just because you hook up with them or have some bisexuality they can out you. Karma will come to that dude in some way. I don't put folks in my business. Who I hook up with isn't for everyone to know
 

sfca9

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I'm sorry this happened to you. You should have been given the opportunity to come out in your own way and in your own time. But remember, the challenges we face in life just make us stronger. You're stronger and sexier today, than you were then. I'm wishing exciting things come your way.
 
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8Cylinder

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It's sad that he caused you unneeded pain. I have a question. What's the sum total pain of hiding, covering, explaining, arranging and creating a vast cover network for you, friends and family? I never actually "came out". I come from a hyper-conservative family with many ministers involved, and was a church pianist most of my life.

For me, the best advice I can give after dealing with this now for 49 years is to not tolerate any inquiries into your sexual practices, but not defensively. When people ask if I'm gay I reply with the question, "more importantly, when's the last time you had anal sex with your wife?" which usually gets "none of your business". I reply only "precisely". It's no one's affair what you do in private, any more than how you clean yourself after a defecation.

The saddest part is that it's such an issue after all this time. Decide which pain is worse for you, having people know about you, or the vast efforts and stress that go into hiding. Most celebrities that make the painful decision to "come out" are afterward very happy at how much easier it is to live.
 

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For me, the best advice I can give after dealing with this now for 49 years is to not tolerate any inquiries into your sexual practices, but not defensively. When people ask if I'm gay I reply with the question, "more importantly, when's the last time you had anal sex with your wife?" which usually gets "none of your business". I reply only "precisely". It's no one's affair what you do in private, any more than how you clean yourself after a defecation.
Cringe. You're just confirming you're gay in the most annoying way possible. "Not defensively"? That is the definition of defensive.
 

jasperdejong

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Just read your story so I'm going to chime in. Please don't take my words for anything other than what they are. Plain words. I'm not you so I can only give you my view on things and I hope I'm not projecting too much.

Let me know if I'm misinterpreting this, but I feel like you have a need to explain yourself, and the fact that people don't know what "box" to put you in makes you feel anxious. I think the underlying issue here is that you may not be sure what "box" you fit into yourself. Bisexuality is a spectrum. So you can be, for instance, 80% into guys, and 20% into girls, etc. In the end it doesn't matter where you are on that spectrum and it's nobody's business what your sexuality is, and I feel especially bad that your friend outed you at a point in life where you hadn't really figured things out for yourself yet. If you had, it may have taken a while, but you would have come forward eventually. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. And nobody should be forcing you to make decisions. Especially when you're not ready.

You mentioned your friend felt like you were embarrassed to introduce him, which I think is a realistic insecurity, but he should have known that it wasn't him that was embarrassing you. It was you exposing yourself that was embarrassing for you, because your weren't ready yet. A good boyfriend would be supportive and understanding, and would let you come to terms with things at your own pace. He probably was insecure, immature and couldn't deal with the lack of validation he experienced that stemmed from you not confirming the relationship publicly. I think he has some inner work to do. At the core of things it was probably about his insecurities, but that doesn't make it right and you still were hurt bad in the process. I'm sorry that happened to you.

What if you could just re-start that special moment with your parents? It may not be how you envisioned it, but I'm sure it could be a beautiful moment. I know the jack is out of the box but talk to them about how you've found things out for yourself, and how you've dealt with it. Show your vulnerability. Tell them why you hadn't told them before, why it was so hard for you. Also tell them why you want to discuss it with them now, why you're ready. Don't make it the focus point but briefly tell them what happened that one night in the uber and why it ruined the moment for you (and them) and how it made you feel. They will understand and the puzzle pieces will fall into place. I'm sure your parents will appreciate you sharing your true feelings and authentic self. Remember, for most parents it's not about you conforming to certain standards. That may seem what it's like on the surface, but in the end it's about knowing you are a happy and free spirit.

Just my two cents. Hope these words are insightful. Much love from the Netherlands.
 

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I was in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship for 13 years before I decided I couldn't take it anymore. My ex wife was not a very nice person. It started off nice, but through the years it got worse and worse to the point I decided I wanted to separate. So, as it was final in 2019 I started talking to people, going on dates. I was really just exploring my sexuality because I'm one of the 50/50 people where I find real love and attraction to both sexes. Dating women sucked, really. I felt like I was being interviewed for someone to take care of them for the rest of my life by the questions they asked, and how they made me feel. The ones who didn't make me feel that way, I usually didn't find myself wanting a long-term relationship with them, or the vibes just weren't there for me. And for dating guys, it was always more fun, and they were always a little more willing to go exploring with me (go on my boat, come to my house, go on excursions out of town, fly somewhere). So, I seemed to begin focusing on finding dates with guys versus girls.

Well, in 2021 on Cinco De Mayo, I met someone at a restaurant in downtown Houston, and we got to chatting it up. We ended up going to a few bars and having some drinks. He was a native, and I only come in town once a month to check on my company, so I didn't really know the are as well. I followed him around and it was a really fun time. Ended up, we met again a couple times before I left back to my home in Florida, and he said he would come back with me and see what Florida life is all about.

I took him on my boat, we went to some car meets, went to some private bars in my community and cruised around South Florida just having fun while we did it.

So fast forward six months, we officially call ourselves "boyfriends" (he was super slow to commit to anything and so was I). All of a sudden, he was getting mad at me when we went anywhere and I introduced him as "my friend".

I was getting the talk every night about how he felt like I was embarrassed of him, or myself and I needed to just "rip the band-aid off" and tell everyone about my sexuality.

I agreed, I said I would tell my few CLOSE friends, and then any stranger we met I'd tell them immediately. And I did.. and just as I figured, nobody cared. (but they were surprised, because I'm pretty straight/masculine acting and nobody would ever suspect a thing).

Fast forward a little bit, maybe a month, and now THAT wasn't good enough for him. He wanted me to post it on my Facebook, and tell my parents & family. He wanted me to be 100% OUT.

In February 2022 he said he was coming to Miami for a bachelorette party (I guess the token gay dude is always invited to those?) and I told him "Great, I don't want to intrude, but lets make sure we get dinner". So, we made plans to take a river cruise, and after eat at KiKis on the water and I would meet his best lady friend and her friends.

We all drank a lot, and we hit some other bars after and started doing shots. He got drunk and started harping to all of the ladies about how I'm so insecure with myself I won't just tell my family. And as we got more stupid drunk, and the night was coming to a close, we all hopped in an Uber to go back to my place.

It was at that point, in an Uber, him and his friends made me call my Mom at 3:45am on Facetime and tell her that I was gay, this was my boyfriend and I'm letting the entire world know. Then, he got my phone and posted a photo of us kissing on my Facebook with all my family, my ex, my kids, my friends to see.

The next day when I woke up I immediately remembered it. I went on there, and I had a hundred notifications, likes, reacts, comments. I didn't even read them because I had so much anxiety - I just deleted the post and shut the app off. Then, I look at my texts and it was everything from "did you get hacked?" to, "what are you doing? to "do you need to talk to someone?". My mom texted me "Want to elaborate on last night?".

It made me a quite sad that my "coming out" wasn't going to be how I'd imagined it. I felt like I didn't get a chance to do it my way, and I felt like the closet was just blown apart around me, and I was standing there like a moron with all my friends and family as onlookers.

As for him, he said he was genuinely sorry he did it, and he was just acting out of emotion and alcohol with his friends.

I felt like I didn't trust him anymore, and it is very hard to explain, but I started feeling resentment towards him. I slowed down my communication, stopped inviting him to my place, and when I went to Houston for work I didn't let him know so he didn't drop by to see me. In the end, I finally told him I did not want to see him anymore. It was heart breaking for both of us, but I just couldn't bare to look at him after that. I had so much resentment in me (which I truly regret).

Next, I did something stupid. I called up this doctor I met at a TikiBar on the beach in Fort Lauderdale. I asked her to dinner and we actually hit it off. I was posting photos with her everywhere. She was actually quite beautiful, and genuinely a good person. I realized though, I was doing this to prove something to everyone... and it was going to just hurt us both in the end. I was for sure physically attracted to her, and I loved hanging out, the sex, and her company but I didn't see myself in a long term relationship with her. I just got out of a 13 year relationship, I don't want to go back to doing the domesticated stuff right away. I wanted my alone time to work on myself, projects I've been putting off, business plans I made.. So, I ended it with her as well after a couple months.

I don't think anyone knows what I am now. I'm sure people talk about my sexuality, but they probably can't put a finger on whether I'm gay or straight. When someone asks me, I just reply "I am me". I'm me, I don't know what label to put on myself, but I like what I like. I'm sure they think I'm like a freelance sex provider to whoever I decide to date at any given time. Who knows?

Anyways, that is the story of how I got the door blown off my closet and came out to everyone on FB. I still have anxiety about that night, but it gets better as time goes on.

But for those who may have someone going through this, let them come out at their will. Don't do the "Rip the band-aid off" routine. It's tragic. Like me, they may dream about that day where they tell their mother and give her a hug because she will still love them the same, or dream of the acceptance from their father. But if you force them, you're ripping that away from them, and that really hurts.

And for my Mom and Dad.. We just don't talk about that subject......
Man, I feel bad for you.