Overcoming My Sexuality

Titanomachina

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I didn't ask this in the gay section since I felt like it might be biased there.

In my experience I wished I stayed in the closet or ignored my sexuality, then I might have saved myself and others a lot of pain. I remember prior to this becoming known to me life was simpler and navigable for me. I mean I knew guys were friends with guys (or girls sometimes) and they dated women. I mean I did date someone once but it wasn't really for me or I didn't get it at the time. But it made it easier to interact and befriend guys.

But when I began to realize that I was gay it made things harder. Socially I became awkward with other guys with unwanted thoughts about banging nearly every guy I came across or looking too long at them. I wasn't picked on for being gay but it made making friends harder and I ended up losing on a lot of potential other friends because of this due to the dynamics that resulted.

As for sex....well that's really nothing but bad memories, one good one. Still it doesn't make up for all the negatives that resulted from my foray into sex.

So now I'm looking for a way to overcome this and make live simple and navigable again, but everything I read about it comes across as some sort of Christian nonsense or that it's a sin (which I don't believe). But I can't deny that it has been a big source of trouble in my life and wonder what I can do about it.
 
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Titanomachina

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But it's different from what I observe. Sure there can be an understanding between men and women, but on average (at least in my experience) I usually see guys with other guys,etc.

I don't know about guys who hang out with each other,usually they know before hand if the two are gay.
 
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Sagittarius84

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The really simple answer is effort and self control. I don't think you'd gain anything or even be able police your thoughts, but you have dominion over the actions you choose to take. I can sympathize from my own experience, from dance classes in my youth, to being in social cliques with primarily older females I was accustomed to facing a landscape of unrequited sexual feelings towards my female peers, while still maintaining the necessary platonic friendships to healthily navigate the social process.
Honesty was helpful from either end and helped construct the proper boundaries necessary to maintain healthy platonic friendships. They were aware I was attracted, but I was aware they weren't interested for whatever reason. That cut out a lot of the flirting and teasing that would make things awkward, and was a great indicator of whom to cut from the social circle when they pushed those boundaries.
I think when the boundary of possibilty is made clearly insurmountable you'll find it easier to quell your deep attractions and learn to value other aspects of people, and I also think you'd be surprised how many straight guys are a good sport about the whole thing and would generally never do anything mislead you, nor make you feel shame for being attracted to them, provided you exert the self control to respect their sexuality and agency.
 

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I think the thing is to keep those parts of your life separate. I have sex with guys, and maybe that is why I don't lust after or want sex with the straight men in my life. When I couldn't come to terms with my sexuality, I had a hard time around straight men because I felt inferior (and part of that came from a tough relationship with my dad growing up) It was when I confronted my sexuality, I found it easier. True, I still don't have many straight male friends, but it could happen. I am content with my friends, male and female.
 

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But it's different from what I observe. Sure there can be an understanding between men and women, but on average (at least in my experience) I usually see guys with other guys,etc.

I don't know about guys who hang out with each other,usually they know before hand if the two are gay.

Like I say it's a default position I choose. I choose not to presume that anyone is attracted to me no matter how attracted I am to them or how much I want to go to bed with them.

This doesn't mean I don't ask for dates but I know it's going to change a friendship or acquaintance if I do ask, no matter the result.

I've lost friends--good friends--who wanted more than platonic friendship with me when that's all I wanted with them. The opposite has also happened--when I've been the one who wanted/asked for more.

There are some who remain friends even though one of us expressed romantic interest in the other but there wasn't reciprocal attraction.

I keep people I value as platonic friends in that category--especially long term friends. Anyone with whom I hook up is no longer in that category.
 
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Titanomachina

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I think the thing is to keep those parts of your life separate. I have sex with guys, and maybe that is why I don't lust after or want sex with the straight men in my life. When I couldn't come to terms with my sexuality, I had a hard time around straight men because I felt inferior (and part of that came from a tough relationship with my dad growing up) It was when I confronted my sexuality, I found it easier. True, I still don't have many straight male friends, but it could happen. I am content with my friends, male and female.
But in my case it's not something I can control. I mean yes for a time I did have more in common with straight guys and ended up falling for a lot of them and not any gay guys. I'm not sure what that means though but it was hard to deal with, trying to make friends while having these strong sexual feelings.
 

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I don't understand how you are falling for all these straight guys unless of course, you know that the chances of you actually having sex with them is nil.

Perhaps you're are fantasizing about men in general a little too much. But the reality is that it isn't going to happen. So a little less fantasizing would be in order. Instead of undressing every man you see. You could treat them as a perspective new friend.

Often making changes in our attitudes and outlook can be difficult. Sex is a healthy human activity, as long as it is kept in the proper perspective. Generally I don't have sex with friends. At least not close friends.
 

Titanomachina

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I don't understand how you are falling for all these straight guys unless of course, you know that the chances of you actually having sex with them is nil.

Perhaps you're are fantasizing about men in general a little too much. But the reality is that it isn't going to happen. So a little less fantasizing would be in order. Instead of undressing every man you see. You could treat them as a perspective new friend.

Often making changes in our attitudes and outlook can be difficult. Sex is a healthy human activity, as long as it is kept in the proper perspective. Generally I don't have sex with friends. At least not close friends.
Because in my head there is least some sort of hope that maybe it could happen every single time.

I’ve tried to see people as just friends and it doesn’t work out that way, I just can’t stop undressing them
 

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Because in my head there is least some sort of hope that maybe it could happen every single time.

I’ve tried to see people as just friends and it doesn’t work out that way, I just can’t stop undressing them


Well it's a learned activity. Perhaps if you stop undressing them and instead put yourself in their shoes you would find it easier to make friends with them.

That sort of hope, usually leads to disappointment. Besides, if you happen to luck out and get lucky with one man. You may be even more disappointed because they are not what you fantasized they would be. Their dick isn't as big as you thought. They're not as good in bed as you thought they would be. More disappointment. It can be an endless cycle of disappointments.
 

Titanomachina

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Well it's a learned activity. Perhaps if you stop undressing them and instead put yourself in their shoes you would find it easier to make friends with them.

That sort of hope, usually leads to disappointment. Besides, if you happen to luck out and get lucky with one man. You may be even more disappointed because they are not what you fantasized they would be. Their dick isn't as big as you thought. They're not as good in bed as you thought they would be. More disappointment. It can be an endless cycle of disappointments.
Yeah that is something to consider.

But really I know that deep down no matter how I dress it up I fundamentally am not OK with being gay. I terribly wish I could be rid of it and at that point my life would improve. Or if somehow I could rewind and not be this was I would be spared a lot of mistakes and pain and trauma (bear in mind I was never persecuted for being gay, it was other things). This isn't in a "all gays are bad or evil" sort of wish, more just a personal view based on what happened in my life as a result. I'm sure others had good times or overcame trials, etc and things worked out. But I can honestly say nothing good came out of me finding out I was gay, coming out, and then exploring it. I honestly felt it would be better if I was closeted.
 
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malakos

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I honestly felt it would be better if I was closeted.

I skimmed this thread and I'm not yet clear as to why exactly it is you feel you would be better off closeted? One thing I remember leaping out at me was your remarks about not being able to regulate your feelings about and relationships with other men. If that is the main issue, I have three points to make in response:

1) Your being Gay isn't the cause of this issue. Perhaps one has to be homo/bi to have such an issue. But other Gay men don't have the same issue, so there must be something else about you as a individual Gay man that brought it about.

2) Going back into the closet (if that were possible) in itself wouldn't serve as much of a solution, in itself. You could still very well be internally fixated and obsessing.

3) The real solution actually would be for you to discipline yourself and to reframe your perspectives on these men such that you're no longer inclined to objectify them in this way. That way the underlying issue is addressed. Whether you are in the closet or not seems incidental at this point.

Then again, that was supposing the obsessions are what you're primarily concerned about. Correct me if I read you wrong. I would definitely like to hear some clarification on what is the chief problem you're concerned with that is making you want to go back into the closet, and how you think doing so would address the problem.
 

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When you talk about remaining in the closest, are you talking about being honest with yourself or telling other people.

I'm also not sure where things are where you are and the attitudes of society can certainly have a bearing. Where I live, in the UK, most straight men are fine with having gay men among their friends. They don't assume that gay men automatically want to get sexual with them. Things were not always that way - when I was at school there were silly jokes and comments about "backs against the wall" and "don't drop the soap" but we were boys then and have grown up and society has moved on the meantime.

But if presumed straight men are to accept you as friends then you obviously have to show them their assumption that you can keep the friendship platonic is well founded. If you're flirting with them then they won't want to be friends.

Clearly, even with a much greater acceptance of gayness, there are still differences you need to take account of. Unless you have good "Gaydar" you're not going to know which of the men around you might be interested in something sexual. That's a complication a straight man doesn't have - he only has to be concerned with whether a woman fancies him in particular, not whether she fancies men in general (though she could be a lesbian). Being told "sorry, you're not my type" is less embarrassing than "What the hell made you think I'm gay!" So if you were expecting being "out" to solve that particular problem then maybe you've been disappointed.

So I think you may still have need of services targeted at gay men whether this is in the form of gay clubs and bars or dating apps that cater for gay men (GrindR etc). If you were to be able to find a partner, or if not that then regular sex, it might help you keep sex out of your other interactions.
 
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Titanomachina

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When you talk about remaining in the closest, are you talking about being honest with yourself or telling other people.

I'm also not sure where things are where you are and the attitudes of society can certainly have a bearing. Where I live, in the UK, most straight men are fine with having gay men among their friends. They don't assume that gay men automatically want to get sexual with them. Things were not always that way - when I was at school there were silly jokes and comments about "backs against the wall" and "don't drop the soap" but we were boys then and have grown up and society has moved on the meantime.

But if presumed straight men are to accept you as friends then you obviously have to show them their assumption that you can keep the friendship platonic is well founded. If you're flirting with them then they won't want to be friends.

Clearly, even with a much greater acceptance of gayness, there are still differences you need to take account of. Unless you have good "Gaydar" you're not going to know which of the men around you might be interested in something sexual. That's a complication a straight man doesn't have - he only has to be concerned with whether a woman fancies him in particular, not whether she fancies men in general (though she could be a lesbian). Being told "sorry, you're not my type" is less embarrassing than "What the hell made you think I'm gay!" So if you were expecting being "out" to solve that particular problem then maybe you've been disappointed.

So I think you may still have need of services targeted at gay men whether this is in the form of gay clubs and bars or dating apps that cater for gay men (GrindR etc). If you were to be able to find a partner, or if not that then regular sex, it might help you keep sex out of your other interactions.
I've tried Grindr and bars before and that itself was a mistake. It was something I wish I never explored.

And being gay is my central issue. If I wasn't this way then I wouldn't have these feelings and I could just interact with other guys normally rather than having unwanted thoughts about sex with them or having my eyes drift over them. It would make life easier for me. I say back in the closet because if I kept denying it then maybe it would just sort of die out or simmer, rather than have to contend with the reality now presented before me.

All those who talked about accepting it as being helpful were wrong, it didn't help me or solve any problems because my problems weren't like theirs.
 

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I've tried Grindr and bars before and that itself was a mistake. It was something I wish I never explored.

And being gay is my central issue....

So does this really have anything to do with platonic friendships at all? Is the central issue that there is conflict in your head between your realisation that you are gay and some teaching, religious or otherwise, or societal attitude that being gay is wrong?

Some people certainly try to resolve that conflict by trying to remain celibate. Some may even succeed and it's obviously your choice. But the argument in favour with being honest with yourself is that there is an emotional cost to suppressing your sexuality. It's not just that a part of you is not fulfilled. Most of us metaphorically wear a mask when in various public situations. At work we have standards of conduct and professionalism and we are therefore, to an extent, acting when we are there to play the part of the perfect employee. We tell the boss what he wants to hear and we refrain from calling him an idiot. And then, when people retire, it is often the politics of work they have had enough of, not the work itself. Retirement is a rest from the work of playing that part. So if you suppress your sexuality you are also always acting to a certain extend and it will be tiring.

But accepting it is more than merely acknowledging it. You have to accept that not only do you have sexual/romantic feelings for men but that it is quite normal and legitimate and that there are plenty of other men for whom this is also true. That may also mean choosing to reject teaching that says that being gay is wrong.
 
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So does this really have anything to do with platonic friendships at all? Is the central issue that there is conflict in your head between your realisation that you are gay and some teaching, religious or otherwise, or societal attitude that being gay is wrong?

Some people certainly try to resolve that conflict by trying to remain celibate. Some may even succeed and it's obviously your choice. But the argument in favour with being honest with yourself is that there is an emotional cost to suppressing your sexuality. It's not just that a part of you is not fulfilled. Most of us metaphorically wear a mask when in various public situations. At work we have standards of conduct and professionalism and we are therefore, to an extent, acting when we are there to play the part of the perfect employee. We tell the boss what he wants to hear and we refrain from calling him an idiot. And then, when people retire, it is often the politics of work they have had enough of, not the work itself. Retirement is a rest from the work of playing that part. So if you suppress your sexuality you are also always acting to a certain extend and it will be tiring.

But accepting it is more than merely acknowledging it. You have to accept that not only do you have sexual/romantic feelings for men but that it is quite normal and legitimate and that there are plenty of other men for whom this is also true. That may also mean choosing to reject teaching that says that being gay is wrong.

Well it's not true for me. I know for a fact that if I wasn't this way I would have been better off. It has nothing to do with teachings but personal experience. I could have been spared a lot of bad times. I feel like I'm just repeating myself at this point.

For me sexual and romantic feelings for guys is not normal and has ruined a lot of friendships and potential friendships too. I try to find something to make it stop but everything is just some sort of christian nonsense, or elsewhere (which as I must reiterate is NOT the source of this).
 

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For me sexual and romantic feelings for guys is not normal and has ruined a lot of friendships and potential friendships too. I try to find something to make it stop but everything is just some sort of christian nonsense, or elsewhere (which as I must reiterate is NOT the source of this).

But the point is that, though sexual and romantic feelings for women are more common, because being straight is more common than being gay, for a gay man sexual/romantic feelings for other men are normal.

There isn't any kind of teaching that will "get the genie back inside the lamp". Religion won't help as you rightly point out. It won't make the feelings go away, it will just tell you that God disapproves or that acting on those feelings is a sin, and that will just makes you feel guilty and increase the inner conflict.

If you were bisexual then maybe you could choose to pursue feelings towards women and not act on those towards men but if you are gay, rather than bisexual, there is nothing that will allow you to swap your feelings for men for feelings for women instead. As for making them go away completely I know of only two things: castration and taking drugs to have a similar effect, often called "chemical castration". Look up Alan Turning for someone who went that route to help him comply with rather barbaric laws in England at the time he was alive and a very sad story of someone who was a great mind and a great help to the nation who was then persecuted because of unenlightened attitudes.

But going to that extreme isn't something people would normally expect to do or, these days, be expected to do and I think you would have trouble convincing any healthcare professional that it would be in your best interest to go that route, though that could depend on where you live.

I do think it is easier to keep most of your friendships platonic if you have a sexual outlet and that applies equally to straight, bi and gay men but if you're not ready for that then I do think you need the support of other gay men. There is obviously "ask a gay man" here but are there any local support organisations where you live?

It is also worth bearing in mind that many if not most men whether gay, bi or straight find they fancy rather more people than it would be right or sensible to act on, for example being married. People can, and do, fancy someone and yet keep things platonic for various practical reasons and limit anything sexual with that person to their own private fantasies and masturbation.
 
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Titanomachina

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On second thought maybe not. Doing some research showed me there are some pretty negative side effects to it and it’s also not fully understood if it actually works or not