Pain Of Discovering They Are Straight

Growing123

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I'm feeling down today. Disappointed. I am 45 and have not been in a relationship apart from being briefly conned by a malignant narcissist.
The guys that I am attracted to are straight or emotionally unavailable. Please don't tell me to just go for a gay available guy. Easier said than done.
Yesterday I bumped into a guy that I used work with. He was very hot and I could never understand why he was single. He lives in my home town. It took me a while to place who he was but then I remembered. His hair has turned grey but he still looks hot. He had no wedding band on. I concluded that possibly he was a closeted gay and last night had lots of fantasies about us bumping into each other and hitting it off.
Today I looked on Facebook and it seems he had a girlfriend 2 years ago but on his profile picture he is on his own. No children, no family. I feel disappointed because it's yet another guy I see whereupon I start to imagine finally having a relationship only to discover that the guy is straight. I would love to have a straight friend where I could just share how I did feel before finding out it's an impossible possibility.

Would you be offended if a gay guy (who knows it's a purely platonic relationship) expressed his disappointment and was honest about it. Or would it creep you out and cause you to make a hasty exit from this person?
 

billybones

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I’m a man. I’m gay. If you only want insight from straight men this should be in the Ask a Straight Man forum. If you feel gay men are beneath your standards, I have other words of advice for you that I will refrain from typing on a public forum with standards of civility in behaviour.
 
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HorseHung40's

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I would caution against hoping that a man is gay, because he is middle-aged and wears no wedding band.

From the text, it is easy to deduce that you are lonely, and, want to meet another man for companionship. Look in places, where other gay, single men can be found. While you may not meet the man of your dreams immediately, you probability of success should be much higher.
 

Growing123

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I’m a man. I’m gay. If you only want insight from straight men this should be in the Ask a Straight Man forum. If you feel gay men are beneath your standards, I have other words of advice for you that I will refrain from typing on a public forum with standards of civility in behaviour.
Did I say gay men are beneath my standards? No I didn't. Could it be that I go for straight men for other reasons that are more personal in nature? Yes, most possible!
 

halcyondays

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Not offended, no, but concerned that I am an unrequited love to this man--that it's painful for him to be around me. I know how much unrequited love/attraction hurts and hate it when someone suffers it for me.

It's happened to me before. Why can't I attract someone like you? Or more directly why don't you find me attractive?

If I avoid someone who has unrequited feelings for me it's because I don't want him to hurt because of me. I think it's better that I'm not around as a reminder.

Full disclosure. I am not 100% straight and am not freaked out learning that men are attracted to me.
 

spaj8987

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It wouldn't offend me no. My weird ass would even take it to a certain degree as a compliment. Though if i am their friend it would have the potential to make things complicated. Read another post close to this and my advice here is the same as there. Make sure you aren't just lonely. That you aren't just going through things and placing others in a fantasy role to deal with what you're going through. There's being alone and then there's being lonely. It's possible to be both but they aren't directly linked.

Also, i'm a weird type of straight guy. Had a gay guy take interest in me once and it meant the world to me. They didn't do so because they were attracted to me but it did feel good as i would imagine it does for anyone. Odds are very good you won't get the same. So please be careful with this.

It wouldn't creep me out but again i would be very very wary. Could be that whatever values i hold are appealing and the gay guy saw them, deciding they are for them or you could be very very vulnerable and need to work some things out. From my experience having the same feelings for others it's best you work those out alone if it is that you're vulnerable. And by alone i only mean not trying to start a relationship before you're ready.

Depending on the difference between those i might not be around that person as much. When it comes to friends i've had a hard time not being around just to see if they're ok. So i wouldn't completely cut off contact but how i treat them would change a bit until i knew they were ok or suspected as much.
 

billybones

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Did I say gay men are beneath my standards? No I didn't. Could it be that I go for straight men for other reasons that are more personal in nature? Yes, most possible!

Please don't tell me to just go for a gay available guy. Easier said than done.
Which of the two, you or available gay guys, have the exclusionary standards? You don’t care much for them, or they don’t care much for you?
 
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deleted1547822

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I’m straight, but I’m not a homophobe. If some guy I didn’t know or know very well confessed his long attraction to me, I’d be a little uncomfortable. If it was a good friend who had to get it off his chest, I would understand and be ok with that.

The problem is that everybody’s different. When I was younger, my response would have been more “get da fuck outta here with that shit”. This seems to be a former coworker you were/are attracted to. If you don’t know him well enough to know whether or not you could say something like that, sounds to me like you need to get to know him better.
 

Hatt_101

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Would you be offended if a gay guy (who knows it's a purely platonic relationship) expressed his disappointment and was honest about it. Or would it creep you out and cause you to make a hasty exit from this person?
Now I'm not middle aged but in the future if I was in this situation would I be offended no but I would think you were a bit strange. You said you hadn't seen each other in years so I'm assuming that you're not that close of friends. It would be a little bit weird to say that to someone you haven't seen in years like there isn't any point in telling him that.