parental insanity

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by martinez5, Aug 1, 2008.

  1. martinez5

    martinez5 New Member

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    so i recently told my dad i'm bi due to him cornering me.

    ever since then his behavior towards me has completely changed. he yells a lot more, he keeps questioning my sexuality since apparently he can't get his mind around why one guy would like another guy, and above all he's trying to change me back to being straight.

    we'll watch an underwear commercial and he'll say "damn she was hot" and then stare at me for a reaction. he even goes so far to ask "that doesn't turn you on?!?!?"

    i don't think my sexuality should be any concern of my parents, but he obviously doesn't approve and is trying to change, belittle, and understand me all at the same time.

    oh. and he keeps using crude and hurtful ways of trying to understand me. "so when did you wake up and decide you wanted a guy to screw you?"

    last night he asked if i was talking to my boyfriend on the phone(although my dad doesn't know he's my boyfriend). i said yes, he got pissed, yelled and took all the phones in the house, even my cell phone which is broken.

    i'm not out of the house and i am in no position to move out so i have to take all of this.

    there's no way i'm going to tell him i have a boyfriend when he acts like this. i'm starting to think he'll never accept me.

    any of you go through this?
     
  2. hotdog06

    hotdog06 New Member

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    wow i'm sorry to hear that.
    he could be in denial tho.
     
  3. Charles Finn

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    you need to get a job and move out on your own fast
     
  4. Matt987

    Matt987 New Member

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    I'm sorry you have to go through that, and that is the reason i haven't told anyone about being bi-curious, i have the same problem with my dad, a complete homophobe, him always saying " i hope you don't end up like them puffs", to be honest i don't know what you should do, but push the gay thing as far as you can, and then come home with a girl....just a suggestion, sorry about your situation...
     
  5. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    I am sorry things are so bad for you. I dont' know what to tell you. I'd be trying to become self-supportive if I could. Plus, I'd lay off the relationships until I could get out of the house. That way if he asks you, you can say I'm not seeing anybody.
     
  6. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    Wow man, that is hard! Be yourself man, don't change for your dad, but be careful around him and don't get in those conversations he starts. Try to stay out of his neighbourhood as much as you can. What does your mum thinks about it all? Is there a way to move out of the house? Stay put man, it would be easyer in the future when you are on your own!

    Good luck!
     
  7. martinez5

    martinez5 New Member

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    the weird thing is this has all happened within a week. my mom doesn't know unless my dad has told her. i haven't told her because i don't want to deal with her and him at the same time. maybe i'll just scream it all at them.

    eh that won't work. i try to talk to him but every time he speaks about anything homosexual he says it with such disgust as if i'm a lesser person for having views different than his. he thinks i want to go out and rape some random guy, but that's not it.

    i believe if i love someone, and they love me, our gender shouldn't stand in the way of us being happy.

    unfortunately parents always assume the worst
     
  8. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    We know that you won't go out to rape, but that shows how much parents have the strangest idea's about love and how it must be!
    I should tell your mum too, it is better that she hear it from you in stead of your father who only tells the negative things about it. For the rest it is difficult to say what you have to do because it is another household...
    Do you have any sisters and brothers? Can you tell them and ask them to support you?
     
  9. B_625girth

    B_625girth New Member

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    hey, I'm 100% straight and raised 3 sons that are also. there was a time i thought what if i one them is not straight?? your dad should not provoke challenge, but there is no training for what he is going thru. it is going to take time for him to accept it, and some days will be better than others. I dare say, I doubt you two will ever be real close again.
     
  10. killerb

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    so much for unconditional love, huh? your father's behavior is kinda disturbing...who knows how far he'll take things?

    here's my advice: spend as little time at home as possible...if you don't already have a job, get one ASAP & save every penny until you can get a place of your own...

    in fact, you should begin to think of a place you can stay temporarily until you can support yourself, maybe with another relative or friend...

    your father & the rest of your family may not accept you for who you are, but you can't let that stop you from BEING who you are...
     
  11. Mattness

    Mattness New Member

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    Martinez, what you're describing is very similar to what happened to me in 1985. Your Father is going thru the normal stages of grief: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing and Acceptance. It's normal behavior.

    My Mother and I had a HUGE argument and she threw me out of the house. I was 21 years old and was secretly seeing my Boyfriend for 6 months every weekend and in about 3 weeks, I was planning on moving in with him, but she "cornered me" like you said your Father did with you and I had to "come out" to her. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life.

    My Mother was hitting me, screaming at me and crying and screaming, "GET AN APARTMENT!" in between asking me "what will the neighbors think" and "how can you do this to me?". After she left for work, I packed up my things into their car and drove away and was homeless sleeping on people's couches for a week until my Boyfriend was ready for me in NYC (he had never lived with anyone before and had a lot of stuff to throw out in his tiny apartment to make room for me!).

    The other posters are right, you have to get out of there. Problem is, you sound like you don't have a job, and maybe you don't have the motivation, but rearrange your priorities and think of the stress you're causing both you AND your Father by being there. He's obviously not doing well with this and if you're not there, you both will be better off. Even sleeping on someone's couch for a few months is better than the alternative.

    It'll all work out...I was back home for Christmas with my Family later that year. :biggrin1:

    Best of luck, dude!
     
  12. wattz00

    wattz00 New Member

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    Teen Line | Teens Helping Teens - Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, & Transgender

    Trevor Line............................................................. 866-488-7386
    24 hours The Trevor Project
    Crisis line for LGBT youth younger than 25 years old. National line with referrals in all areas.

    Please see attached link for a list of resources; also, contact the Trevor line for referrals/more info.

    Support is essential - there is a community of people out there ready to help.
     
  13. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I can't imagine what you are going through right now. I hope that your father finds peace in his life and that he can accept what you are going through. Keep a hold on your ideals and beliefs, they are important. Don't change yourself for other people.

    If you need to talk, I'm always willing to listen.
     
  14. southernstud

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    I hate to say that this is a situation faced in society today for many of those who are not of the straight persuasion. I am from a progressive part of Virginia, and my parents are not. I caught hell for wanting to dye my hair one summer. My old man was calling me a fag just for doing that. I have to say that what you are experiencing is a generation miscommunication. For most present day youth, homosexuality is just there, not some taboo that is to be hidden. Though I get pissed if I see two guys kissing or making out, but I know that they have their reasons and rights just like everyone else.

    For your father, it is his call, but it is important for him to adapt. Most fathers want their son's to be men, get women pregnant, and have more sons. Call it an evolutionary goal, but it is not going to happen that way 100% of the time. You confessed that you are bi. For guys, bi does not cut it, bi means gay. I know it sounds harsh. The best thing you can do is approach this from a very firm position and let him know that bi means two, you like both, you are experimenting and learning your position in society.

    The alternative is to do what we discussed during my Senior Humanities Seminar when talking about the current state of hate in America. Ask him how he feels about how blacks were treated during the 1950's and why they were treated the way they were. Ask if he ever felt that anyone present day could be treated in such a way. If he answers that nothing as harsh could happen like the 1950's present day tell him that it is. How so? The blacks in America were hated for simply being black. The hate had nothing to do with intelligence, income, or even location. Homosexuals are hated for who they are as well. They are hated for who they love, how they love, and for how nature does not discriminate.

    If it helps, keep in mind that every dog has its day. We still walk around and find old men that are racists. You will always find someone who hates anyone that is "different" and not from the carbon copy. Though not the place to say this--this type of forum anyways--but I will keep you in my prayers that your situation may get better and that your father will accept you even though you are not what he expected. Always remember your heavenly father continues to love.
     
  15. Gl3nn

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    I'm so sorry to hear that. I think parents should love their child unconditionally. Most do, but in same cases (like yours) they think of what people will think etc. instead of putting their child's happiness first.

    I would save all the money you can get and move out as soon as possible. As suggested before: staying with a friend or relative might be best.

    It's also very unreasonable to take all the phones. If I were you, I'd ask him to give you your cellphone back. Get it fixed etc. You still have a right to talk to anyone you want. And if he doesn't want to give it back, buy a new one without him knowing and hide it.

    And if you want to have a relationship, do so without him knowing. And if he 'corners' you, just lie to his face. In this case, it's best.

    What your father does is outrageous. He should love you and support you no matter what.

    I'd also tell your mother yourself. Your father might tell her in a negative way. That AND mothers are generally more accepting than fathers, so she might support you and convince your father that it's nothing bad.

    I hope that your father comes to his senses and realises that his son's happiness goes above anything else. Do not change who you are just for him. If anyone has to change, it's HIM!

    Good luck with this 'situation' and keep us updated. If you ever want to talk, call a special help line like the ones posted in a few posts higher or contact someone of this forum. I'm always willing to listen.

    G
     
  16. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I'm so terribly sorry to hear of your father's reaction. It is, sadly, not unusual. Take heart that other parents with far worse reactions have eventually come around after time has passed.

    I'd like to second wattz00's suggestion to place a call to the Trevor line. They can help you discuss the situation with your father, giving you ways to say things, ways to act, ways to help you get help if you need it. They're a great organization and you can even call them from a pay phone.

    Try to hang in there. Mattness is right about the process your father's going through. It's important to reinforce to your father that you haven't changed as a person. You are who you are and always have been. If you love him, tell him so. Remind him constantly that you are still his son and that you want him to still be your father. Don't reinforce the divide between you by trying to stay out of his way except when he becomes abusive. He must know that you will not tolerate that behavior. He may not approve of your sexuality, but he has to respect it and you need to respect yourself. That means standing-up for yourself with gentle words. Work very hard to keep control of your emotions. Family members know very well how to press each other's buttons. Don't let him press yours. He can't win his game nor you lose it, if you don't play it. Otherwise go through your routines, live your life as you have.

    Good luck with this. It took courage to tell him and you should be proud of yourself for doing that.
     
  17. WellHung83

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    This really sucks man and I hope things turn out better for you soon. But its not really surprising when you think that this type of bigotry is still around despite different sexualities coming to light in movies, tv and other media and so in today's cultures all around the world being gay or lesbian or bi is pretty much there in your face 24/7 as much as heterosexuality. Its not a hidden or unspoken of fact of life anymore, and when it happens in your own home and is someone you love sometimes it is too much for a person with a certain frame of mind to handle.

    Now, I am not excusing your old man's behavior in any way, but I understand different generations have different views on what is acceptable for a man to fuck to put it crudely, and unfortunately a lot of guys still want their sons to be fucking women instead of men even if you are bi and so you are technically open to still fucking women, your dad would much rather it be 100 % chance of you fucking a woman instead of it being a 50/50 deal.
     
  18. D_Coyne Toss

    D_Coyne Toss New Member

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    It is always sad to hear about parents who don't accept their sons for who they are: I am not just speaking about sexuality, also desires of career or simple views of life are not understood.

    This case seems to be plain homophoby but...might it be that yout dad acts this (WRONG) way because he is afraid of the pains and discriminations this sick world reseves to bi- and homosexuals, and so he tries to convince you you are straight, just to avoid you all that pain? So a wrong way of taking care?
     
  19. ZOS23xy

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    The father in this case is seeming to provoke anger, and perhaps, with that anger justify his other responses in your direction. I'd be wary of talking to him alone.

    Someone who is rational and wants a dialog doesn't hide all the phones in the house...
     
  20. Stephenmass

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    It's only been a week. It may be painful for awhile or even hurtful (him to you) for awhile. He is still dealing with it, and is still angry about it. He may be questioning himself without telling you, asking himself what he did "wrong". We both know he did nothing wrong, at least not in that aspect, of what your sexuality is. It's amazing how many people still feel it's a "choice" we make isn't it?

    It took my parents (not my mother so much) a good 4 months before they settled down. You may have to stand your ground at some point, as I did too. "Does me being bi make me less of a man to you Dad?" If it does, it really isn't your problem guy, it's his!
     
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