Parental Spite

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by yaoifun, May 20, 2005.

  1. yaoifun

    yaoifun New Member

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    Just a warning, this post is mostly a rant. Scroll to the **** to get to the question.

    Ok, so my dad made me late for school today, and I confronted him in the car about it on the way to school. Needless to say, we argued and said some things that triggered a meltdown for me, so I yelled at him even more and every time he tried to make some snide comment back, I totally shot it down. He was extremely rude, even for him. I'm not saying I was perfectly nice, but he just pissed me off to the point of no return. Then he tried blaming it on me, and I just got out of the car and walked into the school, in a very bad mood, and he wouldnt call the school excusing my lateness because of him. Jerk. Once I got out, it was him driving me home, when its 9 times out of 10 my stepmom. He just picked me up to try to get the last word in. I get in the car and he growls at me saying "Are you done being and insolant little bitch yet? So I snapped something back at him and tried placing all the blame on my stepmom, again, as usual. Whatever, I told him I'm over it if he is, and he said ok and was fine for about 30 seconds, then he started again. We got home and I came upstairs, open the door, and find my room has been thorough gone through and trashed. Needless to say I freaked, and he tried saying he was cleaning, and we started fighting again, almost literally. Cleaning, in my book, doesnt mean knocking over the computer monitor and phone. We argued more and I kicked him out of my room, almost literally. You all know how much patience I typically have too! It was bad, really bad, and I'm calling my mom as to see when I can move back in with her. This isn't the time he has done this. Enough is enough! I don't honestly hate anyone, or very many people at least. I do honestly hate him. All we do is spite eachother. Sometimes I even catch myself hoping he would just drop dead, and actually meaning it. He just doens't know when to give up, or let things go! I gave him plenty of chances to bury the hatchet. He is beginning to go too far. Ok, Rant over, for now.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Do you and another family member(s) spite eachother just to get even, or always have to get the last word and still just pick fights, or just plain don't get along with? I'm pretty sure what I'm dealing with isn't normal. What about everyone else? How do you get along with your family?
     
  2. DC_DEEP

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    Yaoifun, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation. I have 3 sisters & 2 brothers, but only one of them is spiteful. She is a Gemini, and totally lives up to the "split personality" aspect of that sign. When she is on a rant, the rest of us have learned to just leave her alone until she gets over it, usually a couple of weeks or months, sometimes a year or more.

    May I send you email with a few more thoughts on the matter? It's a tough situation, and there really are not any easy answers, but there are some ways to deal with difficult people, even if they are family members.

    We're with ya!

    Big Bear Hugs
     
  3. yaoifun

    yaoifun New Member

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    Heh, your not a lurker, so feel free to email me any time. Lurkers can too, just make it a sensible email por favor.
     
  4. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Dude sorry to hear you having some family issues...I don't have anyone in my family that spiteful...My dad is more of a know it all and I just agree to what he says and then do what I want to do...Good luck and it probably would be a good for you to move back w/your mom to salvage any relationship you still have w/your dad...
     
  5. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sex
    what does he usually do during the day? it sounds to me like he has a bad case of nothing better to think about. either way, going through someone else's room and/or belongings is over the line into whacko behavior, whatever his excuse for it. he clearly has big problems of his own - which may or may not be his fault, but whichever, he should still know better than to inflict them on you, and these situations are just vicious cycles. I know how difficult it is for a single parent to support a teenager, but he's clearly not mentally capable of managing it, regardless of any economic or expedient factors.

    if you have any other options for accomodation and transport, you should exploit them. if not, you gotta think about whether you can put up with his bullshit until you can finish school, or if getting out of there is more important. I chose the latter option when I was 16, but I don't recommend it unless you've exhausted every other possibility.
     
  6. yaoifun

    yaoifun New Member

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    Right now, my stepmom is in the process of leaving, and is going to be helping me and my real mom find a way for me to move back in with her. Dad's around all day unless hes at one of his meetings, which only last until about 3 PM which gives me an hour before he gets home 2 days out of the week. He is psychotic, and now that everyone is beginning to catch onto his schemes (after I revealed to my stepmom he was cheating on her when I caught him - she deserves to know, cheating is vile, and he did it once before only my sister ratted him out that time. We both decided after today (he blamed her for my talking back to him, because she stands up for herself against him all the time) that we're gonna make our escape at roughly the same time. We have a lot to plan, but we have ideas on how to pull it off peacefully. The hardest part is just dealing with his bullshit until we can get out (actually they're arguing about it now, she just told him shes leaving! She bought a house from her friend for 18k, sold her car to my dad to get most of it. I hope he doesn't have a complete meltdown, though I would love to see his face if he knew it was me, his only son, who spoiled his rotten cheating time. Thanks everyone for understanding! You're all great! *Big hugs for all* :)
     
  7. SpeedoGuy

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    Y:

    I went through phases like that with my mother during my teens years. It was tough and I wouldn't want to go through it again. Years later, we're on good terms now and no spite is recurring. As is said, "Time heals all wounds." I hope the same will prove to be true for you.


    SG
     
  8. txquis

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    Most families display some spiteful or childish behavior sometimes.
    I have found it gets better after you move away from home, but even
    then there can be challenges.
    Its just part of it, bud.
    Hang in there.
     
  9. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Reads like your dad is trying to blame everyone else for his behavior and believes that if he controls everyone then life will work perfectly to his satisfaction.

    There isn&#39;t anything you can do about this unless he agrees to counseling. He needs professional help and soon. You and your stepmom could try doing an intervention but there&#39;s a problem; he already sees you and his wife conspiring against him. He also has probably concluded that you told her about his cheating even though she has likely said nothing about it. At this point in time he&#39;s so angry with you that he&#39;s attacked your sexuality and violated your privacy in an attempt to prove he controls you. Even after he had, what would be for most people, an adequate time to cool down, he continued his inappropriate behavior.

    Getting out is a good idea. Your home isn&#39;t a safe place for you and it appears your father is unwilling to engage in mature relationship problem solving. If you have any desire to work out your issues with him it will be better for both of you if you&#39;re not doing it on his territory -- or yours. So long as you live there you will only be his son. Once your out and he can&#39;t hold anything over your head, he may, may be forced to give you more respect.

    Conversely it also means that you can&#39;t let him goad you or press your buttons. The whole car argument sounded like you were doing your own share of needling. Nobody knows how to piss someone off more than their own kid just as your parents know how to piss you off like no one else. If you want to repair things, and you may not, you&#39;ve got to be the mature one here by not losing your temper no matter what he says or does.

    You might know this from counseling but a lot of fathers of gay men often feel blame for not teaching their son how to be a man (in their view) or not being man enough to be a good hetero role model. If you two haven&#39;t addressed his feelings about you being gay then you&#39;ve got a lot of stuff to go over.

    Let us know how things go and try to get some distance. It always help in gaining perspective.
     
  10. yaoifun

    yaoifun New Member

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    You&#39;ve got the main idea, but there are a couple things. He thinks it was one of his friends and has been real mean to them too, and he does not know about my sexuality. Only the people here do. My real mom and dad seperated when I was 7 or 8, and filed divorce when I was 9 or 10. Yes, I did do a my share of needling in the car, but only in defense of myself. After school, as I said, the first thing he said to me was "are you done being an insolant little bitch yet?". I told him yes, if he will stop blaming others for his problems. He agreed, but then started up with me again, and I told I&#39;ll just let it go this time. I gave him plenty of opportunities to bury the hatchet. To come home and find your room ransacked and gone through is horrible, especially when given a lame excuse as to why it was done. I felt violated and disrespected. Ya, my room was a bit messy, but it always is, and he doesn&#39;t do anything about it. if he was cleaning it, he would have just shoved everything in the closet like he always used to when he would clean or whatever, which he hasn&#39;t done in a long time. But my even my desk, my drawers, and even bags of stuff in my closet, at the top, out of the way were all gone through and a lot of things I liked thrown away. I looked for some things in the trash bags but then he runs over and dumps the vaccuum cleaner bag into it >.> I&#39;m just sick of his shit, and he will be the LAST person in the world to find out about my sexuality if it is me who will tell him&#33; At this point, the only therapy that has a prayer of working on him is electro-shock therapy, and that is even a gamble. I really don&#39;t care if we reconsile, he&#39;s already told me plenty of times to jump out a window and that I&#39;m out of his Will. Last time he said that to me I looked him dead in the eye and told him he was pathetic to say that and that I don&#39;t care if I ever see a cent. And in all honesty, I don&#39;t. I don&#39;t need him, nor do I want to need him. I&#39;m done with him. As far as I&#39;m concerned, once I move out, that will be it, and I don&#39;t care if I see him again. My stepmom and I think his brain is fried. He was already a lunatic before what I&#39;m about to talk about, but he was a lot better then than he is now. He had prostate cancer a year ago, and got an expiremental radiation implant treatment. We weren&#39;t even supposed to be within 10 feet of him for long periods of time, so I can only imagine what it did to his brain. Oh well, as sad as it sounds, I really don&#39;t even care what it did to him. I know I only get one father, but he has been anything but that to me. Sure, he&#39;ll put up with SOME things and do things for me.....but at a very steep price. That&#39;s just one more reason why I hate him and don&#39;t care what happens after I leave. Call me cold or heartless or irrational, but try being part of this household for a week, and you will totally see what I mean. Sorry about this rant, I just meant to clarify some things...I swear...me and my tangents...oh well&#33; Any other questions or anything let me know. Thanks for being here and listneing to me everyone&#33; *big huge hugs*
     
  11. Nienna

    Nienna New Member

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    Wow, Reading your troubles take me back to my teenage years. My mother was like your father (it seems) always picking a fight with me for really, no good reason, and always trying to control everything. etc etc......

    I remember haveing my room "searched" for lack of a better word and "trashed" for another. I remember how violated I felt and how angry I was. It seems nothing you say or do with make it any better.

    Any advice I had, has already been said. I do however, wish you luck in what ever happens *hugs to you*
     
  12. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    First off, Electro Convulsive Therapy (ECT) is used only for cases of very deep depression; people who are barely functioning. With therapy and psychopharmaceuticals your dad may be able to improve his life and attitude but he&#39;s got to be willing to try.

    If you think he doesn&#39;t know you&#39;re gay then I have to tell you, unless you&#39;ve got girlfriends, he already knows but either isn&#39;t willing to see it or is waiting for you to say something. Go back to the "...insolent little bitch..." comment. He knows on some level.

    It sucks, but you&#39;ve got to be the mature one here. That means not letting his juvenile and inappropriate comments and actions bother you. You come home to your room being ransacked then just clean it up and don&#39;t say anything. He starts needling you then get up and leave the room. You&#39;re playing his game and so long as you do he will win. You have to opt out and not let him control you no matter what he says or does. Once he sees that his behavior doesn&#39;t work then he will either continue it because he&#39;s irrational or he will stop because he realizes it won&#39;t control you. The non-response tactic also helps you. The first few times you use it can be extremely difficult. I know because I&#39;ve used it with my father and yes, he&#39;s pulled the whole ridiculous, "I&#39;m revising my will tomorrow&#33;", tactic with me. I just say, "It&#39;s your estate, do with it what you want," or say totally nonchalantly, "That&#39;s nice." I will not play his game by responding to his provocation. But as i learned not to respond to it I&#39;ve found it&#39;s been very helpful to me too. It helps me accept that he&#39;s got an anger problem and demons he needs to work through. I&#39;ve told him to get help and that&#39;s all I can do. He&#39;s an adult and needs to fix his own life. Now when he flies into rages or gets vindictive it takes a lot of effort not to laugh. Usually I just shake my head and think, "How sad." Yeah it means I&#39;m the one who has to set the example, I&#39;m the one who has to act mature, but I do it for myself as much for him. An additional benefit is that he&#39;s found new respect for me because he knows I can&#39;t be lured into his anger by responding the way he wants. I think we&#39;re both healthier because I took the initiative when he couldn&#39;t. Have I lost respect for him because of that? Yeah, a little. Accepting our parents&#39; shortcomings and seeing them for the flawed people they are can be the toughest part of becoming an adult. It means you have to learn to love them in a different way from when you were a kid.

    It takes a lot of love to love a sinner but the sinner needs it all the more (wisdom courtesy of episode 41 of Oz). :p

    If you really don&#39;t care about him and want to write him out of your life then you owe it to him to move out as soon as possible. Staying gives him a false sense that you still care for him. Think very, very, carefully about that decision. You may never get a chance to take it back down the road. How sons deal with our fathers when we become adults says a lot about how we will parent down the road if and when we decide to have children.
     
  13. SpiceboyMJ

    SpiceboyMJ New Member

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    Wow, Yaoifun. I&#39;m sorry to hear about your troubles. That sucks but it also sounds like it is kinda a part of the viscous cycle that is being a teenager let a lone a teenager going through divorce, remarriage and separation again. My heart definitely goes out to you. :hug: Best of luck babe&#33;

    Well, as for my family I have an older brother only and he is gay as well. (I&#39;m tellin&#39; ya, it&#39;s in the genes people&#33;) We do not get a long at all. We never have and probably never will. We are oil and water. Everything is always all about him all of the time and it is one of the many things about him that drive me insane. He thinks he is always right, smarter and simply put he just feels superior to most people and especially me. Fortunately our parents divorced when we were little and we did not grow up together. I lived with my Grandmother and he lived with my daddy. I love my brother but I normally cannot stand to be around him for very long.
     
  14. jonb

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    I guess I&#39;m lucky. The most problems I&#39;ve ever had with my parents is which course to take or why a certain girl isn&#39;t right for me or Dad referring to all my male friends as my boyfriends and female friends as girlfriends. I did once play a guy who killed his father and married his mother in drama club, though.

    Now my grandmother . . . When you&#39;re a twin, your grandmother becomes fashionably challenged and immediately starts dressing you in matching clothes.
     
  15. headbang8

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    Yaoifun,

    You&#39;re doing the right thing. Your home isn&#39;t safe.

    Having gone through a similar situation at home (see below) I&#39;ll caution you about a couple of things.

    You have a legitimte right to be angry, but try to keep your quite understandable desire for revenge in check. It worried me a little to hear "I would love to see his face if he knew it was me, his only son, who spoiled his rotten cheating time."

    Spite is a two way street. It&#39;ll be your task to deal with your own bile and bitterness, so it doesn&#39;t hang around poisoning the rest of your life.

    But save that job for later. Right now, the resentment you feel is pretty useful; it&#39;s a matter of self-preservation, both physically and emotionally.

    In my own case, my father was a dry drunk (with occasional relapses) by the time I was born. But he still carried the baggage: Rage, paranoia, inappropriate intimacy, magical thinking. When you mentioned that your father attends meetings until three in the afternoon, I jumped to the conclusion that it has something to do with the same problem--does it?

    He pretty much did what your father does. When we were young he leapt on every fault or mistake, and showed no hesitation to use physical punishment as a first resort rather than a last resort.

    When we kids learned some of the rules of the game (and got too big) he grew frustrated at having no excuse to rage. He needled everyone until there was some sort of reaction, and then ripped into us for it. As we kids got older and had better things to do than argue about ridiculous trivia, the needling became insult and abuse.

    My mother never learned the lessons her children did. She was the classic enabler. Her family are masters of spite--I need to keep detailed notes of which maternal relative isn&#39;t speaking to which other at any given time. My late grandmother must have had the brightest doorstep in Christendom, since she seems to have told every family member never to darken it again, at least once.

    Together, the two fed each other. I left at 22, just before I graduated college. I should have left before. The two divorced soon after.

    Unlike you, Yoifun, I never had the courage to see them for what they were; two damaged people who actively wanted to hurt me in the name of love. It was love in name only--people who want to belittle and demean and control you, don&#39;t love you. It took me a long time to work that out.

    Congratulations on your courage. Now, the hard work starts. First, get yourself to a safe place. And second, don&#39;t descend into bitterness and spite; to keep looking ahead to your own life and not get twisted around your father&#39;s agenda even in his absence.

    Often, sons and daughters of dysfunctional families work hard to get themselves to a safe place, only to crash and burn in the absence of all that negative energy to react against. I certainly did. In my own case, it was alcohol, but others I know used drugs and exploitative sex for pleasure that somehow mangaed, still, to trap them in pain.

    Be observant of yourself. It&#39;s actually quite hard to enjoy this newfound freedom from paternal oppression in a healthy way. Don&#39;t turn into a gay teen version of Russia&#33;

    Take care of yourself, Y.

    hb8
     
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