Partner Pasts, What’s Actually Your Business?

[Scarletbegonia]

Slate magazine had a question by a man who defined himself and his GF of several years as “older.”

He had assumed her past was rather innocuous. But a discussion led mainly by him exposed some more risqué details. Now he wants to hear it all, aside from her ex husband. He wants the one night stands and other less connected relationship details because he finds it “hot.”
This is the columnist response:

This is her story, which means she gets to decide what she does with it. Not only am I not going to help you coerce her into sharing information that she has already expressed discomfort and embarrassment in revealing the little that you do know, I’m going to request that you stop aspiring to milk her for more info. Be happy with what you have. My only pro-social recommendation for you would be to foster an environment of free sharing by setting the tone and being extremely open about your history. You can lead by example, but you can’t force her hand. Stop being so selfish. You’re not entitled to her past.

I tend to agree. If she was very comfortable, or into it, maybe. But it isn’t his place to push.
I also think that it’s okay to have a few photos/ non sexual mementos of exes in a memory box, physical or virtual.
Our pasts make us Us.

How do you see this?
Does a partner have the right to the other partner’s full past? Or to demand that photos, letters, etc disappear?

 

[4388301]

Apologies in advance, I ramble n thought process meanders.

I had a very much ex who kept in contact with/was weird about stuff with a former partner of theirs. Very shortly after I broke up with them, they got with that former partner of theirs. So. admittedly, I am a bit biased about this, but contact with an ex in general is very "case by case" for me. Non-sexual mementos I think would be ok, so long as it wasn't a daily, rubbed in my face thing. With the one ex, it clearly was not just "past" but kept forcing way into present day which I think is why I was so unsettled by it.

Different view point tho, my mom died. My dad remarried. They moved out of the house my mom n dad had shared an I think took many but not all o the photos down of my mom. It was a mutual choice that they arrived on together. As time has passed I understand more why they chose to do that. If my partner died I do not think I could handle seeing reminders of them constantly. For any future partners or playmates, I do not imagine they would want to be having it rubbed in their face. I can only empathize n imagine it is very different and difficult scenario if someone is a widow/widower.

General thing, I am very open with any potential partner about my varied past. They get vague information. Not to make them uncomfortable, at least not intentionally, but to me is part of being honest about who I am. There is some mental baggage relating to a particular ex that if I am serious with someone, I elaborate on so they can know to not trigger it. So far I have not had to deal with someone who got turned on over past experiences. I would not much be interested in playing that kind of game/partaking in that kind of kink.

I do not feel like a partner has any sort of right to a detailed list of my past. What I choose to disclose is just that. I am honest, brutally so. Some things I am vague about because consideration for their feelings, sure. Some is also just my memory about some stuff is not great. The flings/casual were not important to me, so they are kind of an amorphous blob in my memory banks.

As far as physical objects (or digital).. I think. not a problem if a largely tucked away keepsake. Hm. Did not really think about it much, but there is a t-shirt I wear sometimes for lazy/around the house that is from an ex of mine. Partner knows but seems to give zero fucks so it is not something I really think about. If they are still in love with the person, then is maybe a problem for me. If they are sexually explicit, I would rather they not keep them. I know that one past playmate of mine has some photos with me/us in them, but I do not mind. That is something I did think to tell my partner, so it could not be a potential manipulation/blackmail/surprise thing. Do not think the past playmate would do something like that, but I would rather make it a non-issue.

 

[LaFemme]

I’m not particularly interested in someone’s past sexual history. Is he healthy when we begin having sex? That’s more of what matters to me.

But what does make me curious is those with multiple partners. I briefly considered starting a sexual relationship with a guy who didn’t believe in monogamy. But my question to him was his safe sex practices with his other lovers? How did he know that his other partners were disease free since they were also having sex with several other people. He seemed to take offence to that because he ghosted me. That was a good thing, though. If you can’t assure me of a clean bill of health, I’m not interested in having a sexual relationship with you.

But it makes me wonder....how do the non-monogamous keep track of everyone’s health? Is it like a murder board but with sex? Is there some little room with pics of everybody and red thread connecting everyone? Too confusing for me. I’ll stick with my monogamous little life.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I think everyone is entitled to privacy of their sexual past...but I also think everyone has the right to be selective about whom they have sex with. As a guy I think this really easy to answer for me because there are certain societal contexts that dont weigh upon my shoulders, and so most sexual scrutiny is going to have to do with the quality of partners ive chosen in the past, as opposed to a numbers game most women find themselves in. Im also willing to admit I operate under the auspices of sexual history being possibly indicative of sexual future...so things like past infidelities are going to be red flags. If group sex shows up a lot in the resume my continued engagement may be dependent on if these were multi male or multi female engagements.
As far as mementos from past relationships, objectively I have no issue and think everyone is entitled to maintain them respectfully with their privacies..in real world observation and in my own experiences ive seen it as a one sided thing where women can have all the mementos they want to keep while demanding their men rid themselves of theirs.

 

[flynn]

I've never asked a new partner about their sexual past. It's non of my business.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Here’s the original.
My Partner’s Sexual History Is Way More Intense Than I Thought

He’s badgering her because it turns him on.
I am guessing she’s not shy as much as doesn’t want to go there.


Personally, while my guy does ask questions about my past, and I ask the same of him, I get a really uncomfortable feeling when it’s salacious rather than curiosity about how I became me, in several aspects.

I ask from a place of trying to understand, and from a “planning place” where I’m trying to see what new I can bring. How could I delight him? And also, what really wasn’t as thrilling as one would think.

 

[OldWise]

Not only have many past girlfriends but some close female friends have asked for my recounting of previous sexual escapades. (In part, the reason behind asking me can be found in that I am much better than most men, most of whom are tongue-tied, at telling any kind of story.) A dear female friend of mine delighted in hearing about my latest sexual stunts. We had become friends with benefits and, rather than light up a cigarette after a good tousle in bed, she would ask for my last interesting encounter with another woman. One day I told her about the sex I had recently enjoyed on a rooftop of a tall building. A year later, she told me how much she had enjoyed our sex on the rooftop. We never did. It twas someone else. Apparently, I had told the story with so much detail and care that she imagined herself there with me. A sexual false memory; fortunately, it was a good one.

In almost every serious relationship, I was asked about how i lost my virginity. I am glad I was, as my countless retellings has kept the memory vivid in my mind. In contrast, I have seldom asked. When I have asked, the basis for my asking was not sexual stimulation, but just informational. For example, if a girlfriend wanted to try anal sex, I would ask if she had ever done so before, as a first time must be treated far differently from a tenth exercise.

I remember one girlfriend telling me about her lesbian adventures and being disappointed that I hadn't seemed excited, as all her previous male listeners had been. (In fact, it didn't stir me in the least—until she mentioned that she and her girlfriend had once made love in the wilderness and discovered that some boys were spying on them. Then the story became far more interesting.)

One male friend of mine made fetish about hearing about past sexual exploits from his girlfriends. He softened them up by proclaiming his devotion to openness and honesty in relationships. He was a weasel of a man, weak and cowardly.

 

[deleted924715]

He seemed to take offence to that because he ghosted me

Bye boy

Won't assure your sexual health? Pffft

 

[longstroke7]

My partner's sexual past is none of my business, and mine is none of hers. In my college days and early twenties I was engaged in what I look back at now as some very hypersexual activities, drug fueled sex parties, instances of having multiple partners in a day, hell there are girls who I had sex with that I don't even remember their names anymore.

I really don't think any woman wants to know or hear about that unless they're turned on by the details.

 

[Mule]

But it makes me wonder....how do the non-monogamous keep track of everyone’s health?

Whenever I've been involved with open relationships or polygamous arrangements, it is handled in a way that is quite conscientious and respectful. You only partner with those that you have a solid trusting relationship, and you discuss your health status, including the last test you had. For some, a test that was getting on for five or six months old with someone quite active just wasn't enough, "Sorry, you'll need another test before we get together." Most of the time it was a fairly small group where the only sex was between pairings within that group. So, if everyone was tested and everyone was honest about their activities, the risk of disease was very low.

In my experience, that's the usual approach with open arrangements. Of course, this world is also full of disrespectful, dishonest idiots who will tell any lie they need to in order to get laid. Those people quite quickly become known within the poly world and are shunned. Most open relationships are with people you have come to trust (which, let's face it, is how sex should be anyway) and there is an accepted level of honesty that becomes very normalized.

 

[LaFemme]

Whenever I've been involved with open relationships or polygamous arrangements, it is handled in a way that is quite conscientious and respectful. You only partner with those that you have a solid trusting relationship, and you discuss your health status, including the last test you had. For some, a test that was getting on for five or six months old with someone quite active just wasn't enough, "Sorry, you'll need another test before we get together." Most of the time it was a fairly small group where the only sex was between pairings within that group. So, if everyone was tested and everyone was honest about their activities, the risk of disease was very low.

In my experience, that's the usual approach with open arrangements. Of course, this world is also full of disrespectful, dishonest idiots who will tell any lie they need to in order to get laid. Those people quite quickly become known within the poly world and are shunned. Most open relationships are with people you have come to trust (which, let's face it, is how sex should be anyway) and there is an accepted level of honesty that becomes very normalized.

That really involves a lot of trust. It would be like sharing your PIN with a bunch of people, only with serious health consequences. I don’t think I have it in me to trust that many people. I’ll just stick with abstinence with the potential for monogamy.

 

[Mule]

\I don’t think I have it in me to trust that many people. I’ll just stick with abstinence with the potential for monogamy.

For me, it only works with the right people. There has to be some history there and a reliable openness about these things. Engaging otherwise, I'm right there with you: Too risky.

 

[Longandavggirth]

At the end of the day I would say he wonders because there’s always that thought of what actually happened back then? And if you two are close and together why not share everything? I think being transparent is important especially moving forward. The past matters at the end of the day. They should both share from a sense of protecting their future from any surprises... trust me I’d much rather find out from here than some guy later on! That hurts! No matter how you cut it, you can say “it shouldn’t bother you in any way shape or form!” I get that... if we were robots but we have feelings and when you’re a human you don’t always think 100% logically. And he also may like to know what turns her on or what exactly the other guys did to please her. I’ve experienced some feelings of being turned on when my significant other explained situations in the past, she had to get past the point of thinking I was asking her from a stand point of putting her down, to realize I really find it hot that we can share our lives and experiences with each other and laugh about the people that wore us out or maybe even the guys she embarrassed by wearing them out. I just see it as a fun convo not a shameful beat down convo

 

[DiamondJoe]

I don't think it's anyone's business, unless you want to share some/all of the details of your sex life. Sometimes it can be fun talking about past shags, othertimes people can be put off by such talk.

I wouldn't expect any partner to divulge anything that I wouldn't be prepared to. It's not a deal breaker to know who they've shagged. Ffs, I don't even know who I've shagged!

 

[Scarletbegonia]

If I discovered a current partner was telling tales on me, as post coital chat, he would hit the curb so hard he’d break a few things.
Abhorrent.

 

[JonSomebody]

No..I am not interested in my partner's past relationships especially when it comes to graphic details. We all have history with whom we were involved with and frankly ...its not up for discussion in my opinion with someone new. My very first boyfriend was much older than I was even though he did not look his age at all. One of the main reasons we broke up was because as the relationship and years progressed...he became very possessive and insanely jealous of whomever I knew or just would have a general conversation with..I mean...he even had the phones in the house bugged where he could listen to my calls without me knowing...anyway...years later...I ran into him at a wedding reception and we greeted each other cordially. As the night started to wind down...I said my goodbyes and headed out to my car. All of a sudden ...here comes Mr. Ex wanting to walk me out. Within seconds of our conversation..things took a horrible turn...he questioned me about a guy that he saw me out with several times awhile ago and asked did I perform same way sexually with this guy as I did with him. I responded with none of your business...he kept pursuing me for an answer...because he pissed me off...I responded with no ...he was way more freakier than you and love to shout out dirty nasty talk when I would do specific things to his body and then the next day...he would give me a card stating how wonderful I was the night before...he got so jealous which was insane considering how long we have broken up and rarely ran into each other...I guess some people never change..

 

[286798]

I'm into monogamy. Doesn't HAVE to be in a full on relationship, but my health is important. Period. When it puts me at risk (or I put someone else at risk), I think there is a 100% right to know and things should not be weird. If you're adult enough to be having sex, be a grownup and tall about it. It doesn't have to be a big deal... own it. BUT anything prior to a clean bill of health is "owned" by the person who did it and what they choose to share is up to them.

That said, I hope to be with someone who answers any questions I might have honestly and openly and vice versa. I also hope to be with someone who doesn't make crazy assumptions about my history and respects any boundaries that I establish... and vice versa. Don't ask questions you're not prepared to deal with the answers to. If they say it's a non-issue, respect it. Don't make a big deal out of nothing.

 

[EquusAZ]

Overall this is more a question about personal comfort and honesty for the person sharing, and the motives of the person asking. At face value, honesty is a great thing, and being comfortable enough with yourself, and with someone else to share your past is liberating. However, the person you share your past with will have motives and reasons for wanting to know. It could be curiosity about who you are, it could be that they get off from it, or possibly are just jealous. I think what we hare with our partners changes from partner to partner.

In previous relationships I've been in my partners would ask about previous partners out of curiosity, jealousy, all of it. @Faunus is one of the rare people in my life who gets everything unedited. Why? For one, I trust him and his motives. His curiosity is one of concern for me as a person and a desire to want to know me entirely. I had an ex who obsessed with an ex of mine. Always asking if I was still talking to them, wanting to know how we 'did it' and if I still thought he was sexy. That was pure jealousy. Needless to say I didn't share everything.

I think what you share with someone should be based on who's asking, and why. Our partners are never fully entitled to anything, be it information, our thoughts, or sex. Always ask yourself "if I tell them X, is it going to help or hurt them / us?"

 

[sizehungry]

Don't like sharing my past sexual encounters , and would prefer not to pry into hers . Whatever occurred in the past , cannot be changed or undone , even if either party wished to , which i doubt . The old proverb re ; " Sleeping Dogs " , springs to mind .

 

[ronin001]

The idea, of opening the door to ones lovers past relationships; and activities, mentally may be erotic. But after the door is open , people often find that the content of their partners past, should remain behind a closed door

Or relating to Pandora's Box, once the lid is open, you can not neatly put things back in