Partner want marriage and children but does not respect me :(

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by go123, Jul 24, 2007.

  1. go123

    go123 New Member

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    My partner and I have had a rocky relationship for about 9 years,
    recently she has indicated that she now wants marriage and children,
    for many years she hasn't wanted those things but as we are both in
    our mid 30's she has decided that is what she wants now.

    My problem with this is that she has basically no respect for me or my
    wishes or feelings and does whatever she wants, whenever she wants and
    does not care if it affects me or not.

    She recently had an internet affar where she was sending explicit
    pictures via email and having phone sex with another guy. She lied and
    kept this secret for around 12months until it came out, but instead of
    being honest, she has just let dribbles of the truth out over the last
    12months since it ended.
    Altho we were still having sex she was using sex toys while she was
    having the online affair, while I dont have a problem with sex toys
    she volenteered to thorw them out when I became aware of the affair.
    Since then she has bought more sex toys but kept them hidden from me
    (I found them one day looking for my grandfathers gold watch believe
    it or not)



    I asked her about the toys and she flatly said she doesnt have any and
    wasnt realy into them any more (since the affair)

    Over the last few months I have noticed that she is using them pretty
    much every day and she has had some bouts of thrush (I think she is
    using petroleum jelly as lube) and her pelvic floor has gotten kinda
    loose and sloppy (or so it seems to me)
    She has been complaining about thrush lately and at one stage I
    mentioned that non water based lube can cause it, she blushed and
    basically admitted to masturbating, now I dont have a problem with her
    using toys or masturbating if she needs to, but I feel like I cant
    trust her to be a wife and a mother if she is constantly hiding things
    from me.



    She started having a go at me about that her masturbating is nothing
    to do with me, and her affair came up and she let some more
    information leak out about what went on and that she was having cyber
    sex while using toys with more than just this one guy.
    She has not worked for 8 months and continually needs finatial
    support, she is erratic and her mood swings and anger at times is
    quite frightening.


    I just feel that if we get married and have children I will be mearly
    a sperm donor while she spends our money and gets off with some sex
    toys and random strangers over the internet.


    We have a relitivly ok sex life but I am having trouble with the
    concept of intercourse with her because of her loose vagina, constant
    battle with what seems to be self inflicted thrush by over
    masturbation and the slow leak of truth about things that are going on
    and I am slowly slipping into depression because she seems to respect
    a big plastic dick more than she respects me..


    I know this sounds like a rant but I am seriously becomming affected
    by these issues and all I want to do is make her happy and have a
    happy life with her and have children in our lifes.

    FYI I am just on 6" and not sure about the girth, but I'm not super thick..

    My partner has said that she lost respect for my manhood when a few times she has had trouble feeling me due to to much lubrication, she also says that she gets off more having a dildo fuck her than me inside her.

    Because we have been together for a long time and I have invested much in her and our relationship I'd like to try to work through this so a happy medium is found.

    What I have a problem with is if she is surpressing her needs to be able to get what she wants (marriage and children)..

    If thats the case I dont think our relationship will last.


    any help?
     
  2. arliss

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    :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: not sure what yopu are asking here...but you need to get as far away from this woman as you can...get help boosting ya self esteem and carry on with ya life...let her have children with someone else...why would you want to or even consider fathering children with this wretched soul....please read alound what you have just typed and let me know if you agree with me..she has no respect for you ...what is there to lose..start running and don't look back
     
  3. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    It sounds as if you need some counseling. I'm not totally sure what to tell you, but this does not sound like a healthy relationship for you or for children if you so decide to have them. She might be looking for you to always be there, it sounds that way anyhow. Even though 9 years seems like a long time, people have successfully gotten out of bad situations that have gone on for much longer than 9 years. I suggest you give her the option of couples counseling or move on. As hard as it will be, you will be much better off. What she is doing is abuse loud and clear, and you do not need that in your life.
     
  4. ItsSubjective

    ItsSubjective New Member

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    From what you have written here, I would have to agree with arliss. This sounds like a bad thing. Poor communication, lack of respect and straight out miscommunication will kill any relationship. It's much less costly to cut your losses at this point and find a better investment for your time.

    I would suggest you try reading the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshhenbaum. I found this book at the library when considering my divorce. It was really useful in helping me to decide that a divorce was the right decision for me. I haven't regretted the choice for a minute. Hopefully the book can help clarify for you whether you really want to stay in the relationship or not.
     
  5. LeeEJ

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    Even though it's been nine years, I'm going to say the same thing.

    Get out NOW while YOU are the only one you need to worry about. Bring kids into it, and one way or another, you're stuck for another 20+ years of hell.

    I don't think couples counseling will help. I think individual counseling is what you need, hopefully to get you to muster the courage & self-esteem to step away and take care of yourself for once.

    Seriously. Get away from her NOW. All you're going to become is a sperm donor & meal ticket to give her her dream of a house & family. She doesn't care about you, she just wants the scenario.
     
  6. LeeEJ

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    I just wanted to add that I've known people -- some friends, some family -- that have gotten themselves stuck in a similarly loveless relationship except that they also have a marriage and kids to complicate everything.

    Right now, technically speaking, getting out of this relationship will be as easy as, say, moving to a new apartment. Gather your stuff, close out every bill that's in your name, cut every tie that you can think of, and step away. I'm guessing that you owe her nothing.

    Get emotional support, and I'd even suggest some legal advice to make sure that she can't badger you any further. The last thing you want is for her to go psycho and get the legal system on her side.

    Hell, she may even be going bipolar on you. That's scary shit. I have an aunt like that. I want to slap her husband -- my blood relative -- in the face and say, "Can't you SEE how she's ruining your life and the lives of your kids??"

    It's going to take work, you're going to have to be brave, and you probably won't be able to handle every part of it by yourself. It will be better than the alternative, though. You have to do it.
     
  7. B_big dirigible

    B_big dirigible New Member

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    I don't really see a happy medium in there. If that's the case, there's nothing to shoot for. One way you lose, the other way you lose. Time to get out of the game.
     
  8. go123

    go123 New Member

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    ty for the replys,

    While this relationship may be in its death throws and we clearly have not been moraly alighned and serving each others best interests for quite some time I feel the need to try and atleast come to the end of it with an understanding of just what it is that went wrong and why.

    I am hurting and have been for quite a while about my 'masculinity' being subjected to dissatisfaction and criticisim. While this is hurtfull to my self esteem and ego I feel I can rise above that issue from within myself but I am not sure if she can resolve those feelings she has that I am less than a man than she would like..

    She tells me that I am the only one she wants and altho she has been critical of my penis in the past she wants me to try harder to please her durin sex and that I can give her orgasims (been a long time since she has climaxed durin intercourse, I usually get her off with oral)

    It cirtainly feels to me that she just wants the marriage and kids scenario and the fact there is love in the relationship I am a good choice, I have grave concerns if her sexuallity is as superficial as I discribe above (which is fine, if she wants a guy better equiped than I am then so be it) that she may perhaps only be surpressing her true life requirements and happiness at the expence of a solid and compatable 'base' relationship.


    when we have tried to discuss this issue amoung others she has been very tactfull in how she 'breaks the bad news to me' for lack of a better way of putting it.

    I have come to her asking for brutal honesty and have for a long time offered her the oppotunity to have and do anything she likes to fullfill her sexuality with the only requirement being that she is honest and considerate to my feelings.

    I have used extream examples such as, 'you can have anything you want as long as you ask nicely... eg: if you wanted to be gangbanged by a bunch of 20yo bucks then if it makes you happy go ahead and do it, but give me the option to decide if I can handle that scenario, if I cant then I'll make way for you to do so without jeopordising the trust in our relationship'

    obviously the above is an extreem example and I think she and I would cirtainly not be together if thats what she wanted to do, the point of it is that I have tried to make her aware that I am open to her sexuallity and her needs aslong as there is honesty, unfortunatly she has not been open with me about it and her deciet has had a terrible impact to my self image and trust of her.

    I am hoping that can be worked through and we can both be settled and happy with whatever happens in the future whether we are together or not.

    am I just wading backwards and forwards through shit? I am not sure yet :(
     
  9. burns1de

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    OMG, get the HELL away from that pathetic excuse for a woman as fast as you can. Sorry to be blunt (well actually, I'm not sorry- this needs to be said), but it sounds like this woman's biological clock is ticking and she's trying using you to have kids before she becomes menopausal. Once that's done, she's gonna dump your ass, believe me.

    She has no respect for you - don't waste one more second with this manipulative woman. You deserve better.
     
  10. go123

    go123 New Member

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    FYI she was raped when she was 9 years old and has battled with mental illness all her life, has a distinct distrust of men, basically been a slut in the past and I am her first real long term relationship.

    Over the years I have been her support and her punching bag, she self abused herself up until a few years ago (cutting herself)

    I am no angel either, I have been in trouble with the law, angry, drunken and violent (not to her)

    ^^ is just a further bit of background
     
  11. LeeEJ

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    You're quite hung up on your penis. My unskilled, untrained advice is simple: get over it.

    But -- "what went wrong", you ask? It sounds like she went wrong. You're not helping matters either by catering to her whims.

    Stop worrying about what went wrong. That's in the past. Work on making it right. Help yourself to starting your own life now.

    Yup, you are.
     
  12. go123

    go123 New Member

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    I totally agree,

    At the moment I am hung up over my penis, I feel I am able to return to being happy with myself and not feel inadequate and crippled like I have been recently.

    If I get over myself and my penis and just get on with life will that be enough for her? I know it will be enough for me and its exactly what I plan to do.
     
  13. arliss

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    stop trying to defend her actions stop making excuses for her and bringing yourself down in the process
     
  14. Principessa

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    Dude you have been together for 9 years and have yet to make it to the altar. You aren't going to....ever.

    If you really want to get closure as to why she is cheating and treating you badly try couples counseling. I can tell you right now she won't go though. Why should she? The relationship works for her. You are a doormat, you probably pay most of the bills, cook, clean , and take care of the cars.

    Take the advice below . . . or take my advice: Pack your bags and go! Run far and fast, before you get trick fucked and feel even more stuck. For the love of God, DO NOT bring children into this mess you call a relationship!


    Preach on brother Arliss! :biggrin1:
     
  15. LeeEJ

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    Okay, so she needs help.

    After nine long years of getting worse, do you think that you're succeeding at all on your own in trying to help her?

    Here's another thought: what if you're her first longtime steady relationship because she knows she can push you around?

    I'd give you two options. No more, no less.

    1. Get help for yourself and get out of the relationship. Separate yourself completely.

    2. Get help for the BOTH of you. She's not going to stay sane on her own, so she needs somebody to keep her from imploding.

    Now, ask yourself: are you really the person to take that #2 task? Or does she need true professional help? And, if professional help will work best for her, don't you think that you need to get away and let such progress occur without you existing as a crutch?

    Keeping yourself around would be like somebody trying to quit smoking while holding a lighter & pack of cigarettes. Just as you have to get away, she has to get away from you, too.
     
  16. go123

    go123 New Member

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    She bucks at authority however she is willing to go to marriage councelling and work though our problems.

    whether it is a waste of time or not is not yet apparent.

    She also goes to see a shrink and a victims of child sexual abuse centre regularily
     
  17. gwr1349

    gwr1349 New Member

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    Run as fast as you can to get away from this person. She has not respect for you and the affairs will not stop. She should be using YOU and not her toys for satisfaction. I cannot imagine staying in a relationship with this person . DO NOT MARRY HER. Your asking for trouble.
     
  18. B_big dirigible

    B_big dirigible New Member

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    These are excuses. You won't live long enough to exhaust her fund of excuses. You've let her get away with it for nine years. She's not likely to stop any time soon.
     
  19. Not_Punny

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    CLose your eyes for a minute and envision the home life you want. Envision how you want to raise your children, and the values you want them to learn.

    Then open your eyes and look at your girlfriend. Is this the wife of your dreams? The mother of your future children?

    And let's say you DO have kids with her... and after 4 or 5 or 10 or 13 more years of this... let's say that you can't STAND it any more...

    Are you willing to walk away from your kids and leave them with HER?
     
  20. go123

    go123 New Member

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    I thank you all for the comments and the advise, I will use it with the issues and choices I have to make.

    I lost my old log in for this site ages ago and re registered about 12months ago so I can assure you I am not new to the site and just having a whinge about my penis :p

    I have used this site in the past to help with my sexual health and my personal relationship with my penis, and its the reason I have returned.

    I do not want my time here to dwell on the shitty things that go on in my life and posted my situation to get an understanding about how 'size' became an issue in my relationship and a begining to my fixing that issue that has become an issue within myself and sexuallity and well beaing.

    thankyou for all your honest comments
     
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