Partner With A Low Sex Drive

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deleted2293891

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I've been with my (male) partner for coming up to four years. Overall, it's a great relationship. He's very kind and sweet, and I'm happy.

That being said, lately the sex between us has become very few and far between. Sometimes it's weeks, or even months between us having sex. Not only sex, but even oral or handjobs.

I've tried to instigate things, but for different reasons he's reluctant. I've even (jokingly) directly asked for a blowjob.

He's affectionate and tactile like normal, but it never goes further than that, which leads me to believe he might just have a low sex drive. I have a mid-high sex drive so I'm finding it difficult. I want to stay in the relationship, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life only wanking. I should say that when we do have sex, it's really good, which is why I want more!

I haven't talked to him yet, but before I did I thought I might seek a bit of advice. I'm worried I might offend or upset him. Anyone else been in the same situation that could help me out?
 

Gj816

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It's certainly not uncommon in any relationship. It is and can be problematic for the partner with the higher sex drive.

I'd be talking to him and expressing my desire and need for sex. It could be he has low testosterone levels and that can definitely be treated. But until you talk to him about the lack of sex you won't really know.
 

spaj8987

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Not an expert or anything. And there's a really good chance you shouldn't listen to a word i'm about to say. Not reverse psychology or anything but just communicate your feelings. I'm sure he won't react negatively since you want more of him instead of less. And here goes my hair brained scheme.

After you to have communicated. Have less sex. Try to go as long as you two can without doing anything sexual with each other. And in that time. Find some of the most erotic books you can find and read them separately. Odds are very very good i have no damned clue what i'm talking about with this but do that for as long as you two can.

And then when you two can't handle it anymore. Throw the books away and see how much sex you can have consistently while it's still enjoyable. :p

My guess is in doing al this stuff your urges will skyrocket then fall more in line with each other. Good luck if you do decide to follow that wacky advice. And i am not liable for any of the consequences if you do. :p
 

Big_a_20

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This happened with my ex and it was tough. There are multiple factors that could be at play here
1: Low Testosterone Levels- happens to a majority of men as we get on in years but with science you can definitely get your levels up and notice a big difference. There are risks that you can discuss with your doctor but those can be avoided with proper dosage and monitoring.
2: Stress- This is a huge killer to your sex drive. This happened with my ex as he was trying to find fulltime work. Even if he got a temp gig, he would immediately stress over the fact that it would end in a month and what would he do then. The low sex drive is a biological response to a psychological problem. If there is anything that you know of that’s stressing him out, encourage him to talk to you or someone about it. He needs to get his feelings out.
3: Self Esteem- I know this may sound weird but maybe he doesn’t feel as attractive anymore. He may have gotten looks and propositions left right and center and now he’s lucky if an old lady pinched his butt (no offense to old ladies ;) ). He may not feel as desired so he doesn’t feel the desire.
4: Self Love- have you considered he may be jerking off without you? Sometimes we as guys don’t wanna go through the whole hassle of sex for an hour when we could pull up some porn, grab the lotion, and bust in just a few minutes. Just like you can be addicted to porn and sex, you can be addicted to masturbation and the thought of sex just makes you want to jerk off and be done with the urge.

We guys are complex (as much as women would love to paint us as Neanderthals that just want sex and steaks) and it could be a combination of any of these points but in order to find out, you need to have a frank and open discussion. Is it going to be easy? Probably not. But there are two people in your relationship and both your needs have to be met or what’s the point of being together. Partnerships take work and if your not willing to put in the work, the relationship isn’t going to work.

hope this helps and if you have any questions just hit me up ;)
 
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4301491

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That's a tough situation and I've been in relationships where the low/high sex drive mismatch has caused problems. The best thing that you work up the courage to talk about it. I've had to break this topic with an SO and it's not easy because like you said you don't want to hurt feelings. It can start with a simple, "I want to have sex more often than we are" or "It's been too long since the last time." Don't know if you've said some of these things but saying them out loud and sincerely is going to go a lot farther than any actions.
 

marriedasian

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talk to your partner... talk to your partner... then talk to your partner again.

only he knows the real reason and anything you speculate (or us here in this forum for that matter) is irrelevant cause we don't know either. the problem arises when he refuses to talk about then that can be the rift in the relationship. over time, you will then have to decide if you value sexual activities above and beyond what you have with him now and make a choice to stay or leave the relationship.

i would act sooner than later because if you stay and want sex... it may drive you to start cheating and that's a no-no for all parties involved.
 

palakaorion

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Talk.
1. Is he experiencing low sex drive?
2. If so, does that bother him, or is he okay with it?
3. If he's bothered, has he been checked out physically? Mentally?

Then explain that you miss sex with him.

See where the conversation, and the relationship, go from there.
 
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4301491

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Lots of good advice about talking openly and honestly. I'll add that in one relationship, I had the conversation with my SO about her low and my high libido. What I learned was that she had high anxiety and was on a prescribed medication. Both of these contribute to low libido. I wasn't that she didn't want to have sex with me, but there's more than one factor working against me in that situation. It made the relationship healthier for both of us. I could be more patient, knowing what's going on with her and she could be more understanding of what I need from our relationship.
 
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deleted2293891

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Thanks for the advice so far everyone. I haven't spoken to him about it yet, but I very much intend to.

I'm just mindful of trying to be supportive rather than hurtful or critical. Like others have said, it might be stress or energy related. Hopefully nothing too serious.
 
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stustu

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Back to communication! Talk again and ask him to explain in detail his position and problems.
If he is still in love with you and just not feeling well, go with him to his doctor and speak with
the doctor. Some blood work is in order if the relationship is still healthy.
 

Infernal

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Everyone has had good advice about getting to the Dr and getting checked. Many things can cause low testosterone. It would be his weight has gone up, maybe he's diabetic, maybe it's just natural aging and the testosterone is low. A good physical and blood panel can help figure it out.
 

palmer

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Lots of good advice about talking openly and honestly. I'll add that in one relationship, I had the conversation with my SO about her low and my high libido. What I learned was that she had high anxiety and was on a prescribed medication. Both of these contribute to low libido. I wasn't that she didn't want to have sex with me, but there's more than one factor working against me in that situation. It made the relationship healthier for both of us. I could be more patient, knowing what's going on with her and she could be more understanding of what I need from our relationship.
I'm going through the same situation with my wife, her work stressed her out so much she got on anti-anxiety meds and that killed her sex drive.
She's also working on losing weight from having a baby, and I know that gives her body image issues so I'm being supportive and cooking better for her.
But her sex drive did take a total dive a year or two into our marriage and I've asked her about it and she's said that that's happened in her other relationships, but she doesn't want to do anything about it to try to improve it. And I can't joke about sex or do anything to really get her in the mood.

It's definitely a tough situation to be in.
 

palmer

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I went out with a girl who i really liked but had a very low sex drive. Turned out it was only because her previous partners was a lousy lover. Over a period of a few months she went almost at nymphomaniac level.
My wife had a high sex drive when we first started dating, and then as soon as she heard our apartment neighbors fucking her sex drive slowed, and when we got a house it slowed more.
She told me her ex was lousy and just get hard and tell her to get on top and he'd get off, and he also told her he didn't like her O face. So I'm not sure if she's still stuck in that mindset, even though I make sure she gets off first and then a few more times and I try to make sex fun but she's rarely into it.
 
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deleted2293891

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Quick update: we haven't talked yet, however we have traded hand jobs and I got a blowjob, so there's progress.

I still feel like we're not 100% there yet though. I think it's a physical thing. It's stuff like cuddling on the sofa or holding hands that I think we need to do more of, and it should (hopefully) translate into the bedroom.

Having a conversation probably still needs to happen. We dipped our toes into it a little, we had to choose words to describe each other, he struggled saying sexy or being called it even; but he said it nonetheless.
 
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Big_a_20

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Quick update: we haven't talked yet, however we have traded hand jobs and I got a blowjob, so there's progress.

I still feel like we're not 100% there yet though. I think it's a physical thing. It's stuff like cuddling on the sofa or holding hands that I think we need to do more of, and it should (hopefully) translate into the bedroom.

Having a conversation probably still needs to happen. We dipped our toes into it a little, we had to choose words to describe each other, he struggled saying sexy or being called it even; but he said it nonetheless.

Maybe he grew up in a religious household or where sex was shameful. For some it develops into a unhealthy relationship with their sexuality and others into a kink. I know a conversation will be tough but as long as you remind him that you:
A) love him.
B) want your relationship to grow and develop.
C) need to be open and honest about both your wants and needs so you are EACH fulfilled.
You don’t want to grow to resent him because then there is no turning back and will end up uglier than what the situation is now. Maybe suggest a therapist so he can be free and open with what his thought process is without the fear of him saying something that may hurt you inadvertently.

Just be sure that you’re not trying to lead the horse to water when he doesn’t want to drink. It may not be the right relationship for you two and that’s ok but I do applaud you wanting to get constructive advice because it really does show your love and care of him

Hope this helps! :)
 

fuckah

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Hey whatever you do..don’t let it drag tooo long ....you both need to be sure if yoll want the relationship or not...I spent the whole year with no sex with someone who doesn’t seem to be wanting the relationship no more...I feel so cheated cos I was too hopeful it would work out ...I didn’t wanna rush decisions but then who am I and what do I know ?
 
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