Partner's mood swings - how do you deal?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Guy-jin, Feb 17, 2012.

  1. Guy-jin

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    PMS is ruining my life. My SO goes literally insane for nearly one whole week of each month. I can only have so much sympathy as I get screamed at for literally anything and everything. I wake up to an onslaught of hugs and kisses and five minutes later it's like a re-enactment of the exorcist because I didn't hug back enough or i hugged back too much. I give her a ride to an appointment and get screamed at for being too early.

    Anyone else experienced being with someone who has exceptional mood swings (during PMS or otherwise)? How do you handle it?

    At ths point I'm considering a monthly fishing trip. No, I don't fish.
     
  2. D_Bubba_Butter

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    I know the feeling. Does she realise she's behaving that way? If she does, she may feel terrible about it between times, & if it's extreme, she may also want to do something about it herself. If she doesn't realise, you need a gentle discussion with her when she's her normal self. If it is entirely down to PMS, it may be worth her seeing her doctor and trying oral contraception, in an attempt to regulate the hormonal cycle differently. Of course, that can sometimes cause different issues with mood in itself. But could be useful to suck it and see...
     
  3. ManlyBanisters

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    You need to make her aware that while you know it is her hormones that are causing the bad behaviour it is still unacceptable to treat you like that and that you, as a couple, need to work your way through this.

    I've had issues with PMS - there wasn't much screaming or direct fightiness, my major problem seemed to be my sense of humour would take a significant leap sideways and at the same time I became hypersensitive to anything that could even be vaguely construed as criticism and also completely insensitive to the effects my words might have on others. This caused fights because I'd either make a 'joke' that was actually not funny at all but hurtful, or I'd get all bent out of shape over something Hick said that I'd normally take as funny - then I'd sulk, or bitch at him, or both. It wasn't pleasant for either of us.

    I knew what the cause was and I decided to see if I could find some diet / supplement based remedy to help me (I can't take oral contraceptives due to other issues and there's no point now as I no longer have a uterus). I did a bit of reading around and thought I'd try Calcium and Vit D supplements as they seemed fairly inoffensive and certainly easy to get. I also asked Hick (and the offspring) to call me on my shit. The Calcium and Vit D supplements did seem to make a difference - I still get the moodiness but it seems easier to control and less intense. The supplements also had the added side effect of reducing breast tenderness considerably - though as you can see from my thread in WI that doesn't always work.

    Had the supplements not had any positive effect I would have gone to the doctor as a next step to try to find a solution.

    I had a hysterectomy last year, leaving my ovaries intact, and I had some blips after that, in terms of PMS sneaking up on me - well, I can't really call it PMS, it has to be POS (post ovulation stress) - The reason I mention that is because it lead me to the conclusion that a large part of controlling the hormonal swings (or at least being able to ride them out with upsetting those around me for a week) is to do with awareness. Once I know when it is coming I can adjust my behaviour accordingly as the hormones kick in. These days I just have to watch for different signs as there's no Day1 to mark on the calendar.

    All of that is how it works for me - I don't always get it right but I think one of the things that makes it easier on those around me is that I try. I don't know how your other half is at trying. Perhaps she does try to keep it in check and her mood swings are just much worse than mine. I don't know if she recognises the problem at all. If she does but is of the opinion that you and she just have to let it happen and deal with it for a week then you have a problem.

    Basically you need to sit down with her (during a NON pms time :smile:) and talk with her about it. Let her know that even though her behaviour is not intentional that it can't go unchecked.
     
  4. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    Fishing is a wholesome and enjoyable activity. But you don't want the timing of your fishing trips to be misinterpreted and used as a cause for the start of World War III. :biggrin1: But seriously...

    The simple, direct approach has worked best for me. Destructive behavior has no excuse. Period. The "why" doesn't matter, it does little or nothing to heal the pain. You have the right to set the boundary with her or anybody else over what constitutes abusive behavior and exactly how much of it you're willing to tolerate. It doesn't matter what anyone else says lies beneath it - if it hurts you, there is no acceptable reason for it. Be clear about what bothers you, be clear about what the consequences will be, then SHUT THE FUCK UP. If you have to revisit the issue, then be prepared to firmly discuss it again. Be prepared to do whatever it takes to enforce the boundary, up to and including walking away from the person who's abusing you. Be prepared to keep your own side of the street clean. If she has asked you to do or not do something and you are repeatedly crossing the line, you're going to eventually get what you deserve. It helps to remember that everybody has bad days, and they're not always caused by hormones. Boundaries should not be stiff and brittle like brick walls - they should be firm but flexible like like good strong canvas.

    Now, here's the challenge: Do all of that with love, and maintain your positive disposition toward your partner. If you carry a shitty attitude around with you over it, it's no better than having the other person commit the abuse. In fact, in my own personal experience, it's a lot worse.

    And a hint: If it sounds like I'm suggesting you keep the focus on yourself, I am. You'll be a whole lot less moved by what she does, and much better to prepared to deal with what might happen.
     
  5. erratic

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    Well, these are some pretty amazing, comprehensive responses.

    My only question to the OP is whether or not your partner recognizes the change in her behaviour during and/or after. If she recognizes it, then please do try to work out a solution when neither of you is feeling triggered. If she doesn't, the issue is probably more complicated than it seems on the surface.
     
  6. D_Bubba_Butter

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    Almost guaranteed, my good man. Women are profoundly complex creatures. Which is part of what makes them so mysterious and devilishly alluring...
     
  7. DavidXL

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    My wife usually has a monthly PMS-related mood swing that lasts about 5 days when she can be testy and crabby for no reason. Sometimes she'll apologize or give me a head's up that that is what is going on, since I'm usually oblivious to the timing of each cycle and am caught off guard by the general unpleasantness. When I am aware it's that time, I'll give her leeway or otherwise give her a break, because I know it is not her real self. When I'm clued into what is going on, it makes it easier all around. Usually, as soon as her period starts, it all gets better almost instantaneously.

    About every 3 months or so, she'll have a pretty bad PMS episode, and there's nothing really I can do other than weather through the misery and help the kids steer clear of behavior that's going to set her off. Often, she'll apologize afterwards, and I'll say, yeah, you're forgiven. Until the next time. But, the bad feelings from my end will linger on for a day or 2.
     
  8. LaFemme

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    Well, I'm disappointed. I thought this thread would address partners of either sex who were moody - not just women.

    Unfortunately, I have dealt with moody men. Constantly walking on eggshells around them, afraid that I might set them off and they'll go stomping off in a huff. I wish it were confined to one week a month!
     
  9. erratic

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    I feel you. I've had to deal with that. Of course, I dealt with it by issuing an ultimatum to them to treat me better or gtfo.

    ...tellingly, they always took the gtfo option... :s

    Still, I think a delightful person like you is better of being spectacular on her own than being miserable with a miserable boyfriend.
     
  10. Guy-jin

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    Please feel free to discuss that! My personal situation is what most people were relating to, but I welcome any discussion of how to deal with moody partners. I was purposely trying not to just make this topic about PMSing partners.

    Also, the other replies about my situation are great. I'll post more in reply to them later but let me just say it's shocking how some of you are describing exactly our situation in your own lives. Thanks for that--this advice is invaluable.
     
  11. monel

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    Yes and beer.

    Oh, but in my case PMS had little to do with it and all of the great rational advise you've received here does not work on insanity.
     
    #11 monel, Feb 18, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2012
  12. The Dragon

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    #12 The Dragon, Feb 18, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2012
  13. Mumzi

    Mumzi New Member

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    Bingo. She may or may not realize it, but has little control . I was worse when pregnant. Just all over the place. But being pregnant... there was little could be done. I was fine after having my daughter.
    Consider seeing a doctor. But find one who is sympathetic. This affects the person, the family and the marriage in some cases.
    If you need recommendations, try calling the desk at labor and delivery for your local hospital. Sometimes the nurses can reccomend someone.
    Another option is an osteopath ( they are MDs). But they tend to take more of a holistic approach to medicine. Looking at you as a whole.
    But all in all, it isn't her fault. Hormones can cause simple changes , can cause major changes. Consider post partum depression. Some women have considered suicide. Some have considered killing the child. And we know some have killed the child.

    Most of the time hormonal changes are just a royal pain. But it's a part of being a woman and if PMS is bad, menopause can be insane. Or, it can be no big deal.
    Good luck all in all. Don't ignore the situation tho.
     
  14. ManlyBanisters

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    I really don't see what 'fault' has to do with it. Whether bad behaviour comes from hormonal swings, chemical imbalance or the person picking up bad habits from a poor upbringing (or just being a cunt) doesn't really change the hurt it causes.

    Should I let my dogs piss in the house because it is their natural instinct? After all, it isn't their fault they don't distinguish between what I consider good places to piss and what I consider bad places to piss. Anyone but a raving loony with diminished olfactory senses would say no, encourage your dogs not to piss where you don't want them to piss because, after all, regardless of the dogs' intentions dog piss smells like, well, dog piss.
     
  15. MickeyLee

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    Xanax and hard liquor.

    takes enough of the edge off to have a mature conversation.

    is more effective than storming out or pissing blame.

    ML's early attempts at dealing with moody mates:

    "your ovaries are infested with demons!!
    i'm taking the dog over to Phil's.
    try not to stab/fuck the pizza boy!!"
    :rant:

    ML's current method of dealing with moody mate:
    "sugar-britches, i understand you team is absolute rubbish.. so playoffs are a really emotional time for you *deep breath* for true, ya might be letting ya frustrations creep over into the rest of ya life.

    no, no. you're right. it's your TV, if you wanna shot it ya are well within your rights.
    but hauling the TV out into the front lawn gets the neighbors involved.....
    and next time... wearing pants would have gone along way to defusing the situation."

    *giggles at self*
    for true.. i try to distance my own hurt feelings, cuz really is not a personal attack. something *hormones, stress, demands, possible depression* are hijacking ya formerly rational lovebean's brain.

    i try to point out that maybe, just maybe, their reactions ain't justified by the situation. offer an ear/shoulder to cry on. offer to be part of distracting them. or offer to give 'em some space.

    if compassion/reason fail.. defend ya boundaries. crazy *which i am* isn't a reason to abuse someone. if ya know ya get nuts, ya got the responsibility to question why ya feel jangled. and to second guess how you react. if someone ain't willing.. the ya bounce back to plan old abuse, and folks rationalizing their abusive behavior.

    in ya lady's case, she might have crossed over from PMS to PMDD... a doctor, full hormone panel and some third-party intervention might be needed. *hugs on Mr. Guy-jinn and Miss Guy-jinn's Lady Friend.*
     
    #15 MickeyLee, Feb 18, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2012
  16. Gamm

    Gamm New Member

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    Xanax + Liquor = Whitney Houston. Ask a doctor for help.
     
  17. MickeyLee

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    i'm not famous enough to have an open script :rolleyes:
     
  18. OCMuscleJock

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    I dunno... every time my ex-gf was PMS'ing I was the one that got bitchy. LOL HOWEVER, that PMS thing is NO joke. Maybe find something to do elsewhere around that time or invest in some high powered pain killers for her. Be weary of people that can bleed for 7 days and not die. :)
     
  19. petite

    petite New Member

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    I have to agree that one should not mix benzodiazepines with alcohol. One or the other, but not to mix the two. Even when it's not deadly, it can cause short term memory loss and bizarre behavior.

    I don't know what advice to give regarding the PMS. I never had PMS before I had a baby and the first time it happened to me was about 3 or 4 months after I had given birth. I was really confused about why I felt so angry. It was distressing to be aware that one is having an emotion that has no discernible source. About 12 hours later my first period began, and the elevation in my mood disappeared. Since then, I've had a hell of a time with my hormones and now I'm on hormone therapy, which made me weepy and overly compassionate to the point of feeling like my empathetic feelings were so extreme that it was an actual disability.

    Has she always had these problems? Or has it recently begun? I ask because I would think that the longer one has experienced these types of symptoms, the easier it would become to learn how to deal with it. I'm adjusting better now and my feelings are no longer fragile, but I remember well what it was like. I had to stop watching the news and stop visiting a lot of websites and even stop viewing certain people's status updates on Facebook because just one story about another person's tragedy would make me weep for hours and leave me haunted with nightmares and the weight of the world on my shoulders. I surrounded myself with frivolous things and sought entertainment in comedies and cute overload. In other words, I had to identify what my triggers were in order to avoid them and learn how to lift my own spirits, even if it helped just a little bit.

    It could even help if she got a professional to help her identify ways to deal with this problem, if she's the kind of person who would feel comfortable with that. Sometimes it can be easier to hear certain truths from someone other than one's own mate. It might hurt her less to hear certain things from someone else.
     
    #19 petite, Feb 19, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2012
  20. sexplease

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    in some villages they send the women folk away for a few days a month.
     
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