My wife usually has a monthly PMS-related mood swing that lasts about 5 days when she can be testy and crabby for no reason. Sometimes she'll apologize or give me a head's up that that is what is going on, since I'm usually oblivious to the timing of each cycle and am caught off guard by the general unpleasantness. When I am aware it's that time, I'll give her leeway or otherwise give her a break, because I know it is not her real self. When I'm clued into what is going on, it makes it easier all around. Usually, as soon as her period starts, it all gets better almost instantaneously.
About every 3 months or so, she'll have a pretty bad PMS episode, and there's nothing really I can do other than weather through the misery and help the kids steer clear of behavior that's going to set her off. Often, she'll apologize afterwards, and I'll say, yeah, you're forgiven. Until the next time. But, the bad feelings from my end will linger on for a day or 2.
It's amazing how closely this and many of the other responses are to our situation. The way Manly describes herself hits very close to home as well.
These answers help me a lot because she continually blames me for her behavior during this time, and hearing that other people have the same behavior suggests it probably isn't me. I go out of my way to be careful during this time. Last night, she said, "Why don't you just try to change yourself? That's the best solution," to me. And then, "I'm thinking these things all month, but I'm only strong enough to say them during this time of the month." At that point I literally just told her she was being cruel and, unfortunately, in an emotional outburst I did what everyone here recommended I not do: I talked about her PMS.
There's something going on with her hormonally, obviously. Some information I didn't share is that she has pretty significant bleeding just before PMS as well as a heavy flow during her period. And yeah, she seems to have this cycle where a few months will pass where PMS isn't that bad, and then there's a couple of nightmare months (this is month two of that this time around).
So anyway, I brought it up. I told her that I didn't think she really wanted to say those things, and that the PMS-induced anger is leading her to say cruel things to me, the only person she feels secure enough with to be that way towards. While this was certainly a terrible idea on my part (because she remained cruel and vindictive, suggesting that I should just divorce her if I think that, for example), it did lead to something good. She suggested going to a doctor after this period is over, describing the whole thing together and having herself checked up. Despite the mean things she was saying and her anger, I was so relieved to hear her say that. And she meant it.
The advice a lot of you have given is very helpful. We made a stop yesterday and she actually got Calcium + Vit D pills--she'd been wanting to take them anyway, so we'll see if it makes a difference.
But some of you have suggested either birth control or other medication as a solution. At the very least, seeing a doctor. A good friend of mine advised me to make her an appointment with a doctor this week and take her, making it about her and taking care of her. I think that's good advice. And now that I know she actually wants to go, I certainly will do that. I just hope that she someday realizes I've been doing this specifically because I don't want a divorce over it (because, in a few months if this continues, that's where we'll be headed).
This morning she's been taking it out on the cat. Continually picking up our poor cat who hates to be picked up, getting scratched and then yelling at the cat for getting scratched. The thing is, while she realizes when she's having PMS issues, she for some reason doesn't own it. She blames the cat or she blames me for reacting to it. I'll be hiding at the office (on a Sunday before a holiday Monday) as a result today.
I guess the good thing is that I've really learned how to see one of her "traps" from a mile away by now. It's like her head cocks to one side and she goes, "What do
you think of that?" Unfortunately I haven't found the answer that always prevents me from falling into her trap. For example, yesterday she asked me about retirement funds and whether I think she needs two, and I said, "I'm not sure, we should do some research." Turns out the "right" answer was "yes" because she had already made up her mind that she wanted two. How the fuck was I supposed to know that? I wasn't. It was a trap. I even saw it coming. I'm fairly smart, but I guess my answer should have been "what do you think?" And then just agreement that her idea was great. I'm trying that now. We'll see.
Well, I'm disappointed. I thought this thread would address partners of either sex who were moody - not just women.
Unfortunately, I have dealt with moody men. Constantly walking on eggshells around them, afraid that I might set them off and they'll go stomping off in a huff. I wish it were confined to one week a month!
I see no reason this isn't a similar situation that should be handled in a similar manner, LaFemme. I've personally had issues with anger (not that bad, but getting in moods where I'm just pissy) and recognized that it's my problem to deal with either on my own or with criticism. Just like a woman should own her PMS mood swings and get them handled one way or the other, men's mood swings are the same.
Some men (and women) have serious rage issues. I've got a friend with major, debilitating rage issues. He couldn't be with someone for a long time without getting enraged. Medication didn't work, but he discovered at some point that if he focused that aggressive energy into working out, it fixed him. Kind of funny, but you'd think, "Oh no, a guy with rage issues who is now uber-strong physically." But no, now he's uber-strong physically but basically free of rage issues. Fortunately he owned them and fixed it.
Solution isn't the same for everyone. If I find myself getting into a funk where I'm going to be irrationally angry, I go out of my way to control myself. I'll put myself in a time out away from someone I might hurt emotionally. I think a lot of us "normal" people experiencing such a mood swing will do that. Not everyone can, though.
I hate when people treat moodiness (PMS-related or not) as some kind of character flaw that the person has full control over. That person probably
doesn't have control over it or it wouldn't be happening.
That doesn't free him or her of responsibility to control it, but it does mean that there needs to be some kind of help from an outside source, be it medication, a counselor, a friend, a loved one, physical exercise, a hobby, whatever, to fix it.
One of the reasons I think men get away with it (and women get away with it during PMS) is precisely because people blame them for their own behavior and consider it a character flaw. But at least with women on PMS, we can point to hormones and say, "Hey, a doctor might be able to help." For moody men, that doesn't really happen. You meet and get involved with a moody man and a lot of people go, "I can't put up with his temper" rather than "a doctor might be able to help". It reminds me of "Anger Management", which seems to treat it like a personality disorder. Why couldn't it be hormones? Or depression? Turns out it often is!
no pms
