Partners previous experiences

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by OhCanada, Jan 29, 2008.

  1. OhCanada

    OhCanada New Member

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    This is a bit of a long story but i'll make it short as I can;
    When I first started to chase my now wife, she was in a pretty bad place (though I didn't know it at the time.) She invited me to this party, which I politely declined for career reasons. At said party she met another guy. This guy brought her home, and proceeded to rape her. She was so embarassed about it she played it off as if it was a relationship. She blew me off, dated him for a while and broke my heart. I wasn't happy and we didn't talk for a long time.
    We ended up crossing paths later, she apologized and over the next year or so the whole story came out. He treated her like shit, they got high and she pretended it was all ok. I was still hurt and she was still recovering mentally (still is 7 years later to some degree) but we started dating slowly. It took a long time but things have almost completely mended. She has really tried to make it up to me in every way. However, I have my demons to battle with this scenario as well.
    I'm not really a angry or jealous person, and for the most part i'm proud of the way i've dealt with this but sometimes I slip. For example, the other day my wife and I are out with friends and we are having a fun sexual conversation. It was a actually a blast until my buddy asks us if we like anal. We have talked about it in the past; I would like to try it but have never pushed it because my wife wasn't up for it. I'm pretty sure I remember her saying whe wanted to keep her "anal virginity." Well when my buddy asks if we've ever done it, before I can say no, she quiet openly says "oh just once but I didn't like it very much." And just sort of laughs about it. I just about dropped my coffee.
    I realize this probably doesn't seem like a big deal to most people but it feels very big to me. I feel sometimes like my wifes problem guy stole a buncha stuff from my wife (and me too.) All the firsts that would have been very special to both of us, except (I thought prehaps stupidly, but in bad scenarios you grab onto weird things) her "anal virginity." I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to do anything about it, but it was nice knowing that there was something. I feel like all of this stuff we put behing us has been pulled open again. I'm tired of mending the same wound. I love my wife and ending it isn't on the table but I just feel so disheartened. I don't know what to do.
     
  2. SpeedoMike

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    Counselling?
     
  3. SpoiledPrincess

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    You feel hurt by what happened, imagine how much more hurt your wife feels, and you're adding to her hurt by reacting badly. Sounds like she hasn't dealt with what happened and neither have you. Maybe some couples counselling would help but while you're still quick to get angry over something relating to what happened with this other guy you can't help her.
     
  4. dpdeke

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    I am really sorry to hear your story, I can identify with you as I try to deal with similar bugs myself. I've learned a few things that might help. My current on again off again girlfriend has had casual sex with at least two other guys and an emotional if not physical affair with a third since I've known her. These happened during rough times in our relationship but it still tears me up sometimes to imagine her with another man especially one she met three hours before it, in a bar. Sorta cheapens things between us, in my mind at least. But I've figured out that the times it all comes over me and into our daily life is when, actually, there is something not going well between us today. That is when the past hurts. When we are doing great, the past never or very seldom comes up for me and it never really bothers me. So, maybe you should think about whether you're really unhappy about something else between you two, like she's not being honest about something else altogether in the here and now, so that her dishonesty or at least, her lack of candor about a past experience comes up for nou now.
    One other thing is that I think that shared secrets with someone else that exclude you hurt your intimacy. If you could get her to see that by telling all to you about the past she is building trust and intimacy between you because there are no more secrets and thus no more areas she is keeping for her and some past lover. If she knows why you want to know it might put her at ease to let you into those corners, if you really want to go there. I hope this amature but real experience helps somehow, but I know that shit like that hurts, man.
     
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