Patience vs bettering your odds

[chill4d]

Some guys get all the girls; they can chat it up with the hottest of girls without feeling intimidated or nervous. Some of us are shy, or lack the confidence needed to be noticed by the girls we want. I happen to be the latter, and I've heard every piece of advice in the world on the situation I'm in.

It seems the advice seems to follow one of two doctrines; either have PATIENCE and just be yourself, or change something since what you're currently doing is obviously not working.

My friends sympathize with my romantic loneliness and try to help, yet the girls consistently (and enthusiastically!) tell me to be who I am. Even saying this, none of them are interested in a relationship. Things always end up as "just friends". So my question is, should I "start over" and change some things in my life, or just keep on keeping on (and being single).


I don't know what to do...

 

[Eva]

Don't change who you are.

Change how you do things.


I'm not shy but I have a lot of friends who are. I'm that friend that breaks the ice for them. See if any of your friends would be willing to do that?

Regarding confidence, my motto is: "Fake it till you make it." It sounds stupid, but you might be surprised. After a while of "faking it," you might find that you're not faking it so much anymore and you're just generally more confident. The main thing is to try not to take things too personally when you're just meeting people. They don't know you so nothing they say or do reflects on your worth as a human being, as a man, as a very worthy, date-able contender.

Also, any rejection you face is just that moment. It's a moment of crappiness but then it's over. Try to see it as that and walk away from it. Women don't broadcast whom they've rejected and how over a ticker that the whole city can see. (At least, the good ones don't!) So if one says no, move on. Her loss. There are more women out there.

I don't know how old you are, so I'm not sure how old the women you're interested are either. I can tell you that the "just friends" guys are the ones we want to really have relationships with once we've worked out our own fucked up self esteem issues.

 

[chill4d]

Thanks for the advice Eva, I've seen a few of your posts and that really does mean a lot coming from whom I see you to be.

I like the fake-it way of thinking, because you're right, after you do ANYTHING long enough you become used to it and ultimately better at it. When you take into account that "confidence" is more a passive state of being, it would become easy to get good at just that. And I've never really thought of it that way before.

Rejection does of course sting, and I somehow let it sting much longer and with more severity than it was even initially administered. I take things to heart, from people I don't even know.

And I'm 20, and really hope you're right about that last thing

 

[B_andyo]

if you think it to much before talking to a girl ..at the end either you get rejected or it becomes history..

 

[B_NineInchCock_160IQ]

When I was your age (late teens to mid-twenties), and excluding one long relationship right in the middle of that period and one fun fling right after that, the landscape of my lovelife was a barren wasteland. I often felt pretty depressed about this, because I felt that those years of my life in all likelihood represented my sexual and dating peak, and that as I got older it was only going to go downhill from there. Take heart, though, as I was very wrong. After I got out of that long slump something clicked and I finally started meeting girls, finding new partners, going out on more dates... since then it seems like things get better every year. It's even hard for me to believe that this turning point happened so recently, when I think about how much I've packed into the last 3-4 years versus what came before, when I spent years at a time celibate and single.

For me I think one of the main things that helped me was a trip to Europe in August of 2004. It was much easier finding girls over there, and this helped bolster my confidence quite a bit after years of feeling like I had leprosy because I couldn't get a date in the US. Confidence is important. That said, it is definitely NOT just one thing that will make things work for you. Anyone who says they know the secret and they have the one special thing you can do to meet girls is full of crap, don't listen to them. You have to take a holistic approach. It has been a long, sometimes arduous, almost glacial process for me. I have changed a large number of things about how I present myself, what I do with my time, how I think, et cetera. Keep trying different things and new approaches, keep working at it, don't give up, don't become complacent. Patience can pay off but don't confuse patience with complacency. The positive side of being patient is twofold: one, time. Obviously, the more time that goes by the greater the chances are you'll meet someone. Much more importantly, though, is being content with yourself and the direction of your life. You shouldn't go out seeking a relationship desperately. Don't think of things in terms of a start and finish but rather as part of a continuum. Keep trying, keep looking, keep putting yourself out there, keep trying to better yourself and never pass up an opportunity to meet somebody... but do so with the attitude that you'll be fine should nothing happen. Don't characterize each week that passes or approach you try without success as a failure, think of them all as learning and growing experiences. Don't lose your sense of humor, focus on the positive, and if you feel that you aren't worth dating... then change something about yourself so that you feel you are. KNOW that you have something worthwhile to offer.

 

[B_ScaredLittleBoy]

Talk to them. Little tip I have come up with...if they look at you twice, they fancy you. Especially if its a lingering stare...

Then since you know that they are at least a little curious, maybe even attracted to you, you go over and say hi. In all likelihood something will happen. If you get a smile from her, smile back. Just do that.

If you're scared, try it on an ugly chick too who will be happy for the attention! lol that's not PC but you know...you have nothing to lose then?

Good luck. Really, get drunk and talk to any girl giving you the eye! Works for me.

Also, I don't think you can be very shy if you have a pierced cock

PS Andyo gives good advice...don't think it over in your head and fail before you try. Just think 'dayum she's foyne'

 

[lafever]

Don`t take these suggestions the wrong way, i`m desperate to help you, ok.

You`re only as good as the company you keep, did you ever think that maybe your friends are lame?

Maybe you should start over with some new friends, just an idea. You don`t have to bail totally on your old friends just get another set. I`m rootin for ya, it`s hard to give advice when i can`t see all the angles.

Sometimes you`re better of on your own with total strangers when it comes to hooking up with someone, this is especially handy when a women enters an establishment alone, you don`t want a third wheel around to take the light off you, or talk her to death.

Don`t poor out all your problelms and buy a round of drinks, or pay for a game of billiards.

Also, put money in the juke box and ask the ladies to pick the songs, kindness can go a long way with strangers just don`t let them take advantage of you, set your boundries.

Before you`ll know it theres plenty to do, if your at the bar always look after the drunks, women love a man who can handle tough situations, get them a cab and pay for it also, this shows the ladies how you might take care of them or someone in the imediate family to be if the situation arises.

When it comes time to leave see if anyone wants to get something to eat.

These are just a few ideas, it takes time to perfect them, good hunting.

lafever

 

[Jovial]

I think there's a distinction between not being able to even get a date and dating women once, but not going further, and having sex with a woman once or more, then breaking up.

For me, initially talking to women is the hardest part. Once someone knows me a little, they generally like me more.

If you are getting dates, but not impressing them enough to keep dating, then I don't know what to tell you. I guess try to find women you share common interests with, then you won't be as nervous, things will be more natural.

If you get to the point of having sex, then they don't like you, then I think you need to work on the sex part. I think women will keep you around for a while if you are at least a good lover.

I think you need patience, but also need to change yourself. The difficult part is trying to figure out what's wrong with you. Most people won't honestly tell you what they don't like about you, so that makes it hard to figure out exactly what to improve on.