"Pee-Shyers" or more serious Paruretics

[plumbr]

I have it and it has cost me many parts of my social life. I have had situations to stay away from public bathrooms, college dorms, absolute fear of urinals. For those people who have a minor cling of shyness explain to me how you get rid of the anxiety when standing at a urinal. I just lock up and cannot even pee if the bathroom is empty. In the stalls, I can only piss when no one is in the bathroom. See how serious this became? It gets moody from time to time too. I can piss normally sometimes or never at all. Depends on if I am comfortable at that moment.

To those that have had paruresis or serious conditions such as I, how did you deal with it? Did you basically cut off public bathrooms off your list in life or something else? Did you ever recover? I really want to piss proudly in a urinal LOL...

To those that have proud hanging, dangling, pissing, etc things. First off, I envy you. Second, how do you guys do it without worries? I understand sexuality is a complicated matter but you are still guys in midst of a HOMOPHOBIC society, nonetheless, with perverts living in it too. It is very dangerous.

For those that peek, please explain why. I am intimidated by those.

I've been to a therapist and all she did was do cognitive behavioral therapy which did nothing. I wasted my time and luckily the University paid for my fees. I have had bad experience in the bathroom when I was a kid (an old peeker, luckily I knew I was in a bad situation and ran out of the bathroom). But there are also deeply rooted conditions why I cannot use the bathroom like curiosity, sexuality, and insecurity. Combined... you have paruresis .

Women welcome to reply too. I've heard about women paruetics and it sucks big time for them too. Also women tend to have it more serious than men if they do. I've read a book about this syndrome lol.

 

[killerb]

I've never understood this phenomenon...
Once I was at a sporting event with my brother in law & his buddy...at some point, we all needed to go to the bathroom and my bro-in-law's buddy absolutely refused to go into the men's room...so we were about to leave and while we were in the parking lot, I suggested that he go behind a car...he tried, but he was unable to whip it out...I felt really bad for him...and I wondered what he was so afraid of...

Why not just go into a stall & close the door?

 

[SpeedoMike]

I can appreciate the situation from personal experience. I lived with it and eventually in later life it seemed to go away. that therapist perhaps wasn't right for you and it may be beneficial to see someone else.

BTW, columnist Ann Landers used to call it Bashful Kidney.

 

[crescendo69]

If someone ever invents a drug for this problem, they will get rich quick.

I can pee sometimes with others, sometimes not. It is almost a manhood issue, tied in to feelings of self-loathing, alienation, etc.

Perhaps if you have a close friend you can trust, practice peeing with him at home. Explain to him the problem, and ask him if you can "work out" with him at the toilet - not a sexual thing, of course.

Any other "cures", guys?

 

[plumbr]

I've never understood this phenomenon...
Once I was at a sporting event with my brother in law & his buddy...at some point, we all needed to go to the bathroom and my bro-in-law's buddy absolutely refused to go into the men's room...so we were about to leave and while we were in the parking lot, I suggested that he go behind a car...he tried, but he was unable to whip it out...I felt really bad for him...and I wondered what he was so afraid of...

Why not just go into a stall & close the door?

I guess he had a more serious condition, other than just "pee-shy," similar to mine. A lot of things run through our minds especially inside a busy sporting event bathroom mind you. The worst scenario? LARGE sporting event

Paruretics consider a lot of things about their environment so they can pee freely. At that moment we become extremely sensitive to our environment that we can hear a pin drop, see things peripherally, and get a mental "sense" of our surroundings. Common things paruretics think about are:

1. Amount of People in bathroom.
2. The business of the bathroom.
3. Who is immediately around you, including distances?
4. Where is the safest place to pee without being bothered?
5. Will anyone be able to hear it?

I know it sounds weird and extreme but paruretics try extremely hard to go into a bathroom and pee. So if your friend or someone you know is, they will need a lot of your patience and understanding. Still you forgot to explain how you can just whip it out in a line of 5 urinals with all 4 occupied? I, for sure, can't.

If someone ever invents a drug for this problem, they will get rich quick.

I can pee sometimes with others, sometimes not. It is almost a manhood issue, tied in to feelings of self-loathing, alienation, etc.

Perhaps if you have a close friend you can trust, practice peeing with him at home. Explain to him the problem, and ask him if you can "work out" with him at the toilet - not a sexual thing, of course.

Any other "cures", guys?

Yes, this was a way to cure the problem: to have someone you trust act as a stranger while you do your practice run. I've read it somewhere. I am surprised to hear that you can't fully pee sometimes. Only you know the true reason why but I feel it does tie into deeper, inner feelings. Counseling and talking about it openly helps because you understand whats going on with yourself and the people immediately around you when you're peeing. I am sure some people in this forum are regular urinal go-er's that aren't afraid to give input.

And to everyone, no, this syndrome is nothing sexual.

 

[Bongo7]

My level of paruresis is the same as yours, plumbr. I have no idea why I have it. It's a real pain in the ass. Supposedly, the best method is to find a local "pee-buddy" who helps you through it. First, he looks out for you by the door. Then, he stays in the bathroom. Eventually he stands at the stall next to you. Usually the "pee-buddy" is a fellow paruretic and you both help each other. Also, another trick is to hold your breath and NOT BREATHE until you pee. It supposedly helps you "get it started."

 

[SpeedoMike]

Why not just go into a stall & close the door?

that's kinda like expecting a limp guy to will himself a hard-on. there are some physiological conditions which are real complex and this is one of them.

 

[D_Amyntas Lillydong]

sometimes i still have the "shy bladder" problem. i'm not completely over it, but i just think to myself more than likely i'll never see these people again for the rest of my life.

 

[plumbr]

Bongo7, it's really hard trying to get rid of this condition. I wish I had friends I could do this with but I am too afraid. Sounds like you've gotten rid of yours. I heard people that get rid of it become obsessed going to a urinal because it is such an accomplishment, nothing sexual of course.

My paruretic level has decreased a bit after understanding human sexuality a little more. We're all curious and insecure. Some may have had bad experiences. If anyone has watched the movie Waiting, with Ryan Reynolds, there is another character in the movie that is also a paruretic.

 

[2322]

I had it as badly as you have it. I once went over 24 hours without urinating while on a scouting camporee. It's been hell. I know it began at puberty when I saw another kid's penis and noticed it was bigger than mine. That was enough to make me anxious about urinating in front of anyone. Over time it developed into the same symptoms you have now.

Here are the tricks I've used to cope:

1. Always use a stall. Get in the stall, sit and then focus on something else. Play a game on your phone, read a book, put in earplugs, anything to distract you from peeing. My big worry was people hearing me pee. In a stall I could usually be reasonably sure they couldn't see me so sound was my biggest fear. I found it much easier to go in loud, busy bathrooms where I wouldn't be heard. Being in small, quiet bathrooms with just a few other people were the worst because I knew they would be more aware of my presence. Distraction from focusing on those fears was most important and it came from forcing myself to not think about them at all using whatever I could from my iPod to my phone to books.

2. Convinced myself that not peeing (or shitting) would draw more attention to me than actually peeing. This took quite a while to figure out but I noticed that if I was reasonably sure a men's room would be empty for a while, I found I could go and, if I could get the stream going fully, that I could continue if somebody walked in. I had always been able to do this to some degree just because of school, but many times I'd pretend I was just finishing as someone came in. Just preventing my sphincter not to slam shut by not tensing my body when someone walked in was enough to keep me going. Despite the fact I was now peeing fully in the presence of another person, I realized that it would look stranger if I wasn't peeing and draw more attention to me. If the key to conquering pee shyness was to have nobody notice what I was doing in the bathroom, then I had to blend in, fit in, appear to be like everyone else without any problem at all.

3. Learn to poop first, pee later. Believe it or not, you have more control over your penis than you do your anus. Maybe that's not so terribly hard to believe, but either way it's true. I found that pooping was a good way to force myself to become used to using a public bathroom. This may sound odd, but if I knew I was going to be in a place with a busy public bathroom (hotel conferences, etc.) then I'd pop a laxative and load up on all the fruit and grains I could. Within a short time, I HAD to go and in I'd go to the men's room terrified that everyone was going to hear or see me. Yet such was my urgency that my body had no choice but to let go. Drinking lots of fluids definitely helped with this because along with the bowel movements would come urges to urinate I could not control. That meant I was pooping and peeing in a public rest room whether I wanted to or not. At first I was terrified, then a few seconds into it all it would dawn on me, "This is what I'm supposed to be doing here. This is an appropriate place to do these things. It will seem really strange if I'm not doing anything."

I had to work to shift my attitude from one of fear to one of dominance by repeating such thoughts as:

• I'm a guy and guys piss standing up.
• We make noise when we piss. It's normal.
• Everybody else is doing it too.
• If someone's not doing that and paying attention to me, then he's the weird one for not using the bathroom for its purpose. He's the freak, not me.
• Think of how hard I try not to look at other guys while in the bathroom and then realize that everyone else is trying just as hard not to notice me either.
• I can use a stall and be just as normal as everyone else. Lots of men use stalls instead of urinals for various reasons other than fearfulness. If anyone questions why I do that, HE'S the freak for asking, not me. Why is he taking such an interest in where I pee? I don't have to defend anything to a perv.
• I'm in control of my personal space and my personal space is this stall. I can use telepathy to make other people not hear me or notice me in the stall. This stall is mine and I will do here what I like for however long I like. I will hang-up my jacket or bags to cover the slit so nobody can see in unless they're straining so hard that they will look immediately ridiculous and other men in the room will beat-up the perv for me.
• This is a guy thing. All men do this. All men stand at a urinal and pee. I know that nobody can see around the partition and they can't see my penis through me so I know they can't see me. I will draw more attention to myself if I stop urinating.
• It's OK to take a few moments to concentrate on urinating. It's OK to admit I'm pee shy to anyone who wonders. It's OK to close my eyes and count or think of something else.
• I don't have to use the urinals if I'm uncomfortable. I can always choose to use a stall with no loss of self-respect or arousal of suspicion.
• Men are expected to make a lot of noise when they pee or poop. It's very masculine to be loud. It is normal and expected if I am to fit-in and be inconspicuous.

Most of all:

Anyone who comments, watches, listens for, or otherwise pays attention to me in the bathroom for any reason related to elimination is a pervert, not me. They are the weirdo, the creep, the idiot, the person who should be embarrassed, not me. I'm just another anonymous guy going in and doing my thing in my personal space. If anyone violates it I will fuck them up.

This took quite a while to work on but simply repeating these mantras over and over again, using the personal space magic, poop first-pee second, being as anonymous and casual as possible, all helped me relax.

Today I can frequently use a urinal if there are dividers when other men are present. If there is a trough I can't unless the room is empty first though I might be able to continue if I've had a beer or two. I can poop in a public rest room without problem though I still have issues with private bathrooms where other people might hear me. For me, the noisier and businer the better because the less noticable I will be and can, therefore, take my time and be as loud as I want without anyone noticing. Urinals do take some effort even with dividers. If the rest room is jammed and there are lines, forget it. If there is brisk but light traffic, I'm fine because I know I can take my time to concentrate on peeing without anyone thinking anything of it.

I say forget urinals entirely unless you're alone and can practice. Work your way up to being able to go and continue going if someone else walks in. It takes time and effort. If you go out to bars, look for bars with single toilets or very private stalls. Get used to urinating in strange places first. Just give it time and patience, something paruretics rarely do.

Definitely take advantage of the IPA's resources. For many, knowing their triggers and root causes will give clues to curing the phobia.

 

[killerb]

Paruretics consider a lot of things about their environment so they can pee freely. At that moment we become extremely sensitive to our environment that we can hear a pin drop, see things peripherally, and get a mental "sense" of our surroundings. Common things paruretics think about are:

1. Amount of People in bathroom.
2. The business of the bathroom.
3. Who is immediately around you, including distances?
4. Where is the safest place to pee without being bothered?
5. Will anyone be able to hear it?

I know it sounds weird and extreme but paruretics try extremely hard to go into a bathroom and pee. So if your friend or someone you know is, they will need a lot of your patience and understanding. Still you forgot to explain how you can just whip it out in a line of 5 urinals with all 4 occupied? I, for sure, can't.

Wow, I had no idea this was such a serious condition. To answer your question, I can't tell you how to just whip it out at the urinal. I can only speak from experience as one who's never had the problem.

 

[killerb]

that's kinda like expecting a limp guy to will himself a hard-on. there are some physiological conditions which are real complex and this is one of them.

wow...I thought that being in the stall alone would allay some of the anxiety of possibly being exposed...but, as I said earlier, I had no idea this was such a serious issue...

 

[Dolcetto]

Go with a buddy more over your best friend, just you two in a one man restroom.
Don’t watch him and vice versa.

Go when you don’t have to go and when you are busting.

I was like you but my best bud drug me with him every time.
He has no idea to this day I ever had a problem with it and he always gives me privacy.
After a while it was nothing at all and needless to say we got very close.

But also it was like no big deal. We did everything and it was no big deal we would be talking about where we were what we were doing etc.

And now when we aren’t in the same spot I’m ok with it everywhere every time.

 

[plumbr]

jason_els, First thanks for replying. It is extremely fortunate to have paruretics like you help young and dumb paruretics like me. People don't know we go through extreme lengths to just pee. I know it sounds weird or even funny to everyone else but think about the time you wanted to pee at a urinal but couldn't. Now think about it happening EVERY DAMN TIME. This is what we go through.

I had to transfer out of a university because it was too far away from home. The style of the bathrooms were communal. This was horror for me. I started to learn to poop and got used to peeing until some guy just came in and kicked the bathroom stall door and break the lock. I was exposed. I was angry at him because I knew this person. This intensified my phobia and went to a quiet building to take a poop thereon. Eventually I purchased a single dorm and just used a bucket as my toilet for the rest of the year. I had to empty the damn bucket during wee hours of the morning when no one would see some mysterious guy try to pour poop down the toilet. It was scary, I can sit here and laugh about it now but if I were to go through that life again, I would go insane.

Now my condition has lessened a bit. If I regularly pee in a bathroom alone I can slowly work up towards busy bathrooms. However, I never had the chance because the school at where I go to has a private two door lock bathroom. Lol the luxury. One time at my new school, I finished lab and had to go to the bathroom so I picked the nearest men's room. It was empty and I started until I hear a creak from the doorway. My blood movement flinched and I got a little nervous. Luckily, like jason_els, I can continue once I started the process. So I take a quick glance at who is it because as a native New York City resident, it can be anyone so be vigilant. The person was my lab professor and did his thing two urinals down. Before he started, I said, "Hi" surprisingly (strictly forbidden in men's room), then I realized what I did and quickly finished peeing. I left the bathroom and waited for the elevator, pressing the down button many times, and calmed down. During the elevator ride, I thought to myself, "Wow, did I just pee at a urinal and say, "Hi" to my lab professor without being "stuck" down there? This occasion actually made me feel like I accomplished something and feel damn good because I can overcome this phobia or whatever have you. So it takes time.

A hope for paruretics and shy people is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Thanks for listening lol.

 

[2322]

I think most paruretics panic in large bathrooms but honestly, if there are stalls or dividers, the activity and noise should actually mean you receive less attention. It seems counterintuitive yet it works.

 

[Ionto]

As a teenager I was pretty pee-shy too, but grew out of it in my early twenties. My therapy was to close my eyes tight and not open them until the stream was flowing. Now I just whip it out and piss without a thought, no matter how many people are beside me.

 

[gymfresh]

I know it sounds weird and extreme but paruretics try extremely hard to go into a bathroom and pee.

plumbr, for most of my life I had this the same as you -- if not worse. I honestly could not urinate in a public restroom if I knew there was anyone else in the building. Never once did I use a restroom in elementary school, jr high or high school. I held it in all day (lord knows doing how much long-term damage to my bladder). One of the worst parts was that the teachers made us ALL go into the bathroom after lunch (no exceptions), so I would go into a stall for 5 minutes and not even open my fly, knowing it would do no good. By the end of the schoolday, I sometimes was in agonizing pain and could barely walk home.

Probably the low point came about 19 years ago when I had to go into the hospital for bladder-related surgery (yes, I think most of it was due to what happened as a child) and part of the prep -- no, an essential part of the prep -- was a voiding cystourethrogram. For those who don't know what this is, you drink a barium-like substance and then go into an x-ray room and pee "on camera" (the radiology tech is in the next room, and supposedly can't see you other than your x-ray image) so they can get a "movie" of your flow and check the whole system: how full your bladder gets, how urine swirls and flows when the stream starts, flow rate and direction of urine in the urethra, whether there is any obstruction or backflow, and how urine exits the meatus.

Well, I couldn't do it, and I told the surgeon beforehand. Being a surgeon, he thought this was a psychological issue and bullshit, and told me the whole surgery was OFF if I didn't cooperate.

The first attempt took 2 hours, and not a drop came out. The surgeon was livid, as just the test set up cost several hundred dollars. They scheduled another one a week later. Same deal -- drank the awful liquid (they gave me twice as much this time), x-ray room in a hospital gown, try to go on screen. Another two hours; nothing. This time the guy was literally screaming at me, and the rest of the staff was pretty angry, too. But I told him I couldn't do it!

One more try 2 weeks later and the same scenario. I can honestly say I tried harder than I have ever tried anything in my life up to that point. I pushed on those muscles so hard I expected to get a hernia (and remember, I was totally alone in the room. Nobody could see my dick or even hear me peeing. Still couldn't go to save my life.) The surgeon was so out-of-his-mind angry that he quit my case, and another surgeon took over. It ended up being the first time at Johns Hopkins that they ever proceeded with such extensive surgery without first having a VCUG on file. The worst part was listening to this guy screaming in front of everyone that I was "faking" it or was some sort of psycho freak. If anything, that made the paruresis worse for the next dozen years or so.

So, I hear ya, bud. I feel a total kinship with you on this.

Yet here I am, 19 years later, and I can generally pee at a public urinal. Did it just this week at the cinema, with dozens of other guys around, after the movie let out. Maybe in another post I'll go into some of the reasons and techniques that eventually worked for me, but for now suffice it to say that I understand your plight completely and will testify along with you to those who don't have this and say it can't be this bad. They have no idea.

BTW -- No need for you use a bucket. :frown1: Hospitals give patients a kick-ass portable urinal that you can buy at any medical supply store, use in your bedroom, and carry discreetly to the dorm or other restroom to empty in the toilet when you need to. There are other models on the market, too, such as this one designed for camping.

 

[plumbr]

plumbr, for most of my life I had this the same as you -- if not worse.

Your scenario is the toughest out of all I have ever seen or heard all my life. I read books and talk about people's experience but I have heard nothing like this.

The worst part was listening to this guy screaming in front of everyone that I was "faking" it or was some sort of psycho freak. If anything, that made the paruresis worse for the next dozen years or so.

I would have to say the staff was extremely very unprofessional. People go to the clinic with problems. Why else would people even want to go to a clinic in the first place. Yes, the psychological problem is not of their field but they should understand the patience needs and wants. I hope they get more cases of this someday and realize what they have done; they will also realize that they have disrespected you in a unprofessional manner and learn to accomodate the patient better.

Yet here I am, 19 years later, and I can generally pee at a public urinal. Did it just this week at the cinema, with dozens of other guys around, after the movie let out.

This is dream a scenario I wish I can sucessfully engage in but I know I can stand there the whole day and nothing would come out. At least I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

They have no idea.

200% Agreement. Most people will just ask, "How is this even possible?" and add in a very inconsiderate, "Just go..." with a decreasing tone showing their impatience and misunderstanding. Until you meet someone in real life that is close to you, you will only understand partially what physically happens to the paruretic. The ultimate victim here is the paruretic who fully can understand and relate to what paruresis is all about.

 

[qazxdr]

sometimes I have a problem geting started taking a leak anywhere....one solution that I have found (even with someone standing next to me) is this: I hold my dick with both hands, but the index finger of one hand barely (really mean barely) tickle the under side of my head (frenum) ...just back and forth for a few seconds and WHOOPS... there it is...

 

[londonredhead]

yeah I got this ... treating myself - getting used to peeing in quiet places ie my gym every morning when it is quiet - can now still keep peeing if someone else goes to the urinal near me - progress is slow, but I am getting better

peed once in a busy restroom recently when I was about to burst - peed like a racehorse and felt proud

noisy doesn't worry me - peed loud and proud I read somewhere

the uk support group holds workshops, might attend one of these soon - it is a pain in the ass not been able to whip my cock out and just pee