Penis Jokes

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by Iscream, Jun 19, 2008.

  1. Iscream

    Iscream New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2005
    Messages:
    862
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Here's one... feel free to add yours.

    Originally from Jackie Martling, former Howard Stern sidekick and stand up comedian.


    Two kids are playing doctor. Johnnie takes off his pants, and Mary looks down and says "what's that???"

    "I dunno" the he answers, "but I know my dad has one too, I will ask him."

    That night dad is taking a shower, and the boy opens to curtain, points to dad's junk and says "Dad, what's that."

    Dad answers "Son, that is a penis. In fact, that is a PERFECT penis."

    The next day the Johnnie sees the girl again, and again they play doctor. His pants come off and Mary says "did you find out what that is?"

    "That is a penis," Johnnie says. "In fact, if it was three inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis."
     
  2. Iscream

    Iscream New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2005
    Messages:
    862
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Another from Jackie Martling:

    A guy goes to the doctor and says "d-d-d-d-doc-doc-doctor, I've developed this "t-t-t-terrible st-st-st-stutter."

    The doc has the guy undress and examines him and finds his huge 12 inch penis. "This is a rare ailment, where the penis draws so much blood that it causes a blood shortage elsewhere in the body. The first symptoms appear in the voicebox."

    "Wh wha what do I have to do?"

    "The only cure is amputation."

    "cu cu cut it off? The sta-sta-sta-stuttering is ki ki ki killing me, I guess I have nooo ch-ch-choice."

    The doctor does the surgery, and sure enough the patient is speaking perfectly.

    The patient returns for a follow up a month later, and says "doctor, while I appreciate the cure, I have not been laid in a month and I'm climbing the walls! I need you to put it back on for me, I will live with the stuttering."

    The doc looks at him and says "Fu-Fu-Fu-Fuck off!"
     
  3. iamanne

    iamanne New Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2008
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    What is smaller than a teeny-weeny ant?


    An ant’s teeny weeny.
     
    #3 iamanne, Jun 19, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2008
  4. Mr. Snakey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2006
    Messages:
    24,709
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    11
    Very funny. Thanx.
     
  5. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2004
    Messages:
    10,578
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Warwick, NY, USA
    This belongs in the jokes and humor section.
     
  6. Iscream

    Iscream New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2005
    Messages:
    862
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Gotta love the LPSG police... looking to reclassify posts. I wish I had that much time on my hands... BIG DEAL Jason... Does this hurt you???
     
  7. Phil Ayesho

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    5,028
    Likes Received:
    53
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Diego
    What's the best thing that comes out of a penis?



    The wrinkles.
     
  8. B_jacknapier

    B_jacknapier New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2007
    Messages:
    710
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pittsburgh
    What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of the penis?

    The foreskin, but only in cases of men whose parents didn't have the decency to have it harmlessly removed in infancy, instead choosing to doom their son to a life of sexual rejection and poor hygiene.
     
  9. HazelGod

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2006
    Messages:
    7,529
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Other Side of the Pillow
    Q: What's the best thing that ever came out of a penis?



    A: The wrinkles.
     
  10. Deno

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2006
    Messages:
    4,756
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    10
    What't that useless piece of skin at the end of my dick,my boyfriend.

    I want my foreskin back. God damn parents. Why couldn't they cheap out on just that issue.
     
  11. Iscream

    Iscream New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2005
    Messages:
    862
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    [FONT=Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif]A man strikes up a conversation with a mohel. (A mohel is a Jewish scholar who is trained to perform circumcisions, the ritual in which a Jewish male is initiated into the religion by surgical removal of the foreskin of his penis at the age of eight days.)

    Man: What do you do with the foreskins?

    Mohel: I put them to good use.

    Man: How?

    Mohel: I sew them together and sell them as wallets.

    Man: It must take an awful lot of foreskins to make one wallet. Is it really
    worth the effort?

    Mohel: Oh, but these aren't just ordinary wallets. When you rub one, it turns into a suitcase!
    [/FONT]
     
  12. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2003
    Messages:
    24,756
    Likes Received:
    157
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    the pain behind your eyes
    So, a young boy is showering with his mother for the 1st time. He notices his mother's vagina and askes, "Mommy, what's that?" The mother says,"That's my garage"
    So sometime later, the boy is shwering with his father for the 1st time, when he notices his penis and askes, "Daddy, what's that?" The father says, "That's my flashlight, son." The Boy quickly says,"Well, can you stick your flashlight into Mommy's garage so I can find my red wagon?"
     
  13. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2003
    Messages:
    24,756
    Likes Received:
    157
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    the pain behind your eyes
    A man is invloved in a motorcycle accident that horribly disfigures him in his privates. Despite seeing doctor after doctor there seems to be no help. Then a plastic surgeon offers a new kind of surgical procedure that takes grafts from baby elephant trunks to restore his cock. The man agrees to it. The surgery goes well and he recuperates fine. Months later, he's sitting at the dinner table with his family. When all of a sudden, his penis darts up onto the table, grabs a dinner roll and slips back underneath. His wife, shocked by this exclaims, "I hope we won't have that again anytime soon!"


    The man, who has an uncomfortable look on his face says, "Me too- I don't think I could take another roll up my ass!"
     
  14. ManlyBanisters

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2007
    Messages:
    12,810
    Likes Received:
    2
    ^ :lmao: ^

    Deja-lu?

    Three guys die and go to hell. When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

    "Oh shit! How?!", they ask.

    Being an allegorical sort of a fellow the devil decides he will ask each man what his father did for a living and the remove the penis in a related manner.

    So he calls over the first guy, "My father was a lumberjack..." "OK, I'll cut it off with a saw" *screeching ensues*

    The second guy says, "My father was a blacksmith..." "OK, I'm going to burn it off" *wailing ensues*

    As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

    "Why are you smiling, you sorry piece of shit!"

    "My father made lollipops."
     
  15. HazelGod

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2006
    Messages:
    7,529
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Other Side of the Pillow
    :rofl:

    I didn't even notice that last night. Whether because I didn't read through the thread before posting or because our favorite wine bar does half-price champagne on Thursdays, I'm not sure.

    Doesn't really matter, though...I said it first.
    :tongue:
     
  16. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2003
    Messages:
    24,756
    Likes Received:
    157
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    the pain behind your eyes
    Confucius says, "man who put rooster in freezer get stiff cock."

    "Man who have holes in pants feel cocky all day."

    "Woman who marries detective get to kiss dick."
     
  17. Deno

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2006
    Messages:
    4,756
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    10
    this isn't about penis but about cocks

    What do you get when you have a couple of chickens in a group

    a bucket