Performance insecurity

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Marina67, Sep 11, 2007.

  1. Marina67

    Marina67 New Member

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    I'm here mostly because I'm hoping for some understanding from men in general, but I'd appreciate women's input as well. I don't talk about sex with anyone I know in real life in any real way.

    It has been a couple of years since I've had any sexual relationship. I've also always had problems talking or communicating with my ex-husbands or ex-boyfriends in different ways. Since being single, I've also learned a lot more about sex and sexuality, probably since I have all this time to read and not practice, right? ;) Seriously though I know I really suck at understanding relationships and men. I know I've misunderstood a lot. It also doesn't help that I realize I often fall for guys that are often bad for me, at least in some ways. Sometimes I think I have bad taste, heh, but sometimes I think it's just because I'm a little desperate and they don't seem half bad, at least for a while.

    I usually had guys (husbands or boyfriends) that would eventually dump me. One of the first signs I would have a clue was when they would be disinterested in having sex. This always made me feel extremely insecure about my sexuality and sexual performance. If it helps, I was with each guy for at least six to nine months before they showed beginning signs of being sexually disinterested, though our relationships often lasted at least two years or more. Often at the end of the relationship, the sex was completely gone except for a sort of last hoorah type of thing.

    The thing is at least two different ex's eventually would show some interest, at least temporarily, after breaking up: they'd come back for booty calls, or whatever, or a temporary rekindling of a relationship for a while until they got tired of me again (or found somebody else). I usually attributed this to simply men being horny and need to get laid, but not sure if it was more than that.

    My last ex-bf was, I suppose, my favorite booty call for a while. It was annoying because he'd just show up out of the blue, but when we starting fucking, it was great. (The sex, at least for me, was always hot.) As usual though, he's leave within an hour. Unlike some, he never really made me feel bad or slutty; maybe that's why I didn't mind the booty call relationship. Incidentally, he stopped coming by when he met his now-wife; that was about three years ago.

    Okay, so that's a long story, but basically, I really wonder about how to know if at least I'm a good lay, why guys would leave really (good sex? bad sex? whatever), how much of it is really about sex, etc. especially if they sometimes come back to at least get their rocks off. Or, at least, what do guys think about their booty call girls (women). With my last ex, it was actually a relief to be able to just have sex sometimes with someone I'm already comfortable with, but without the hassles and restrictions of a a relationship. It was a good thing going for me then and if I can't have a real (full) relationship, I wouldn't mind a friends-with-benefits thing, if it could be mutual.
     
  2. Aplus

    Aplus New Member

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    I think some people just make lousy boyfriends or girlfriends, or maybe just aren't ready for a real relationship. Maybe these are the kind of guys you keep attracting. The fact that some of the guys return seems to suggest your doing something right in bed, but there is nothing quite like practice.

    Some people swear by the "friends with benefits" approach, but I suspect at least one of the people will usually end up wanting more. I'm not convinced such arrangements can really work, but then again, I've never tried one. Just not sure what the proper perspective would be, much less the rules.
     
  3. thirdlegmeat

    thirdlegmeat Member

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    Marina, you seem very sweet.

    First off, I suggest that you not be so hard on yourself. Many desirable men simply aren't ready for a relationship and so they like to "play the field." They're not necessarily bad, and you aren't bad. It's just a difference in male/female sexuality and desires. You probably have good taste in men, which is also part of the paradox of your situation. The more desirable a man is, the more women he can have sex with.

    It is true that some women are better than others in the sack. I think that for both men and women, it boils down to their passion. A passionate lover of either sex is usually a good lover. And either way, most men don't expect too much from their partner sexually. Men understand that they (the man) is the one under pressure to perform...not the woman.

    One final suggestion: All men LOVE oral. (Just some food for thought)
     
  4. Osiris

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    Sounds likes you just found some idiots. I don't see anything wrong from what you are saying. Keep looking, Mr. Right is out there and avoid Mr. Right Now.
     
  5. Marina67

    Marina67 New Member

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    Thanks to everyone who responded. All good points and, in fact, had me smiling for different reasons.

    Now I feel like I'm on the right track: oral has always been something I've provided. I've never had complaints in this area. It is actually the only specific skill that I am somewhat confident about though I'm sure there are oral techniques I could still learn. I do enjoy it sincerely. This may sound unusual, but also I prefer giving oral than getting oral.
     
  6. Marina67

    Marina67 New Member

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    True, I don't know sometimes if it's me or them who wasn't ready for a "real" relationship. I guess the problem is when both partners don't want the same thing, which is often the case?

    I'm not really sure about "friends with benefits" in any real sense, but it was very much up to my then ex-boyfriend. He'd show up whenever he wanted and as long as I was available (energy, time, other), we both parted with a smile on our face. Also, in this relationship, I was the one who tried to break off the relationship first, but he refused to leave (he was living with me, in my apartment). Eventually, he agreed to leave and it was also the most peaceful and considerate break up I've ever had in my life.

    Maybe it's because we were both more honest and direct in this relationship than my previous older relationships, but I don't know. This isn't to say we never had significant problems, but that we were usually able to deal with it with fewer/less emotional hurt. I understand, though, it doesn't always work that way.
     
  7. Marina67

    Marina67 New Member

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    Your comment made me laugh the most, but because I know it's true. Sometimes it's easy to forget that any potential lover who doesn't want to wait probably isn't worth the wait. :)
     
  8. Principessa

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    Do you have any idea how difficult that is at our age? :confused: Eligible, decent men are in very, very, short supply.
     
  9. Osiris

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    Funny thing is I have a bunch of guy friends here that say the same thing about women. So idiot men are Northeasterners and idiot women are Northwesterners. Glad we cleared that up.
     
  10. Principessa

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    Sounds like a road trip is in order . . . :biggrin1:
     
  11. Marina67

    Marina67 New Member

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    I admit one of my concerns about finding another lover again is related to my age, but it's not yet impossible. Some men do appreciate women in our forties, though I've been surprised that I noticed some interests with both much younger men as well as much older men (meaning at least a decade difference), still. Don't know what this means, but at least it seems I still have some options, whenever I find someone I'm mutually interested in.
     
  12. whatireallywant

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    I'm 44 and am seeing a similar pattern. I'm glad the younger guys are not writing us women in our forties off now! :smile: (I like the younger guys! Not to say I don't like guys my age or older...but I like younger guys with all that stamina and all... )

    I've always had trouble finding lovers though, even when I was in my twenties. I probably had more trouble then than anytime. I found more in my thirties than any other time. I have to say though, that my forties so far have been a very turbulent time for me personally, starting with my health problems and then my job difficulties. Maybe between all that I didn't really have a chance. I've gotten much better health-wise though, although I continue to have the job difficulties. Because things are so flaky with me right now, I think I actually am mostly looking for a "friends with benefits" kind of deal, although I'm not ruling out something more serious, if it should happen.
     
  13. Marina67

    Marina67 New Member

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    Honestly, I have no idea if I'd want older or younger if all else is the same, but I think (hope?) I can hold my own with each. :)
    I can't really remember how things were when I was younger because so much was different for me: I was terribly naive about men and sexuality and I was honestly afraid of it all at times.

    About health problems and job difficulties: I've had mostly job and financial problems and hoping the mostly minor, though chronic, health issues won't get worse. It sounds like we are dealing roughly with very similiar issues and interests? I hope things get better for you, as I hope for myself. :)

    On the "friends with benefits" I'm glad I'm not the only one. True, I'd prefer something more serious, but a FWB sounds great for me at least for a while. :)
     
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