Personal ads for inanimate objects:

mindseye

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Okay, here's the game: Write a personal ad for an inanimate object. Bonus points for double entendre or wicked slyness.

Here's one to start the ball rolling:


A sheet of paper: I'm white, thin, and 11" by 8 1/2". Me and a bunch of my friends are looking to get reamed!
 

Pappy

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Nuclear Submarine: I am long, round, hard as steel and full of seaman. Once put into service I can reach depths that no man has ever reached before. I can operate and be fully fuctional for up to 6 months straight without seeing the light of day. When I blow my load, it could be like starting WWIII.
 

Mattness

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mindseye said:
Okay, here's the game: Write a personal ad for an inanimate object. Bonus points for double entendre or wicked slyness.

Here's one to start the ball rolling:


A sheet of paper: I'm white, thin, and 11" by 8 1/2". Me and a bunch of my friends are looking to get reamed!

Two-Slice Toaster Looking For Bread Slices: Whole Wheat or Multigrain only! Must be able to go through two cycles!
 

chimes

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Sub-Sandwich: Healthy, 12'' long, looking to stretch your jaw and fill your mouth with flavor and special sauce.
 

invisibleman

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A prayer: When you come to me with both hands full of big trouble. You'll drop onto your knees. You'll come for me. Expressing your intimacies. You'll offer praise and testimonies. I'll make confess your sins in hopeful redemption. With great trouble on your lips, I'll absolve you. I will inspire you to be better than you were yesterday.
I've been done by men and women at their most urgent need: all races, nationalities, creeds and classes. I can give you what you want sometimes. You can do me standing, kneeling, laying down, running, and etc. I can come unanswered. You'll still be thankful. I can make you cry, laugh, or shout out loud. I can even have you speaking-in-tongues. I can have you say Amen! in several ways afterwards as well.
 

prepstudinsc

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invisibleman said:
A prayer: When you come to me with both hands full of big trouble. You'll drop onto your knees. You'll come for me. Expressing your intimacies. You'll offer praise and testimonies. I'll make confess your sins in hopeful redemption. With great trouble on your lips, I'll absolve you. I will inspire you to be better than you were yesterday.
I've been done by men and women at their most urgent need: all races, nationalities, creeds and classes. I can give you what you want sometimes. You can do me standing, kneeling, laying down, running, and etc. I can come unanswered. You'll still be thankful. I can make you cry, laugh, or shout out loud. I can even have you speaking-in-tongues. I can have you say Amen! in several ways afterwards as well.

Sorry, but that's just wrong. Yes there are totally sexual things in the Bible, but don't make a prayer out to be all sensual. "You'll come for me." "You can do me standing, kneeling..." You need prayer, buddy. I think it's time you go to the altar.
 

invisibleman

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prepstudinsc said:
Sorry, but that's just wrong. Yes there are totally sexual things in the Bible, but don't make a prayer out to be all sensual. "You'll come for me." "You can do me standing, kneeling..." You need prayer, buddy. I think it's time you go to the altar.

See, I knew you would pull some shit like that. So predictable. Oh fuck you, your prayer and your altar. You're on LPSG.ORG not the 700 Club.
 

B_Spladle

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prepstudinsc said:
Sorry, but that's just wrong. Yes there are totally sexual things in the Bible, but don't make a prayer out to be all sensual. "You'll come for me." "You can do me standing, kneeling..." You need prayer, buddy. I think it's time you go to the altar.
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