Personal journeys and relationships

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Drifterwood, Dec 9, 2010.

  1. Drifterwood

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    I have seen the problems with this from both sides. I have a friend whose wife left him and the kids (and took half the money) to pursue her personal journey, and I have a friend who left his wife and kids to pursue his personal journey.

    In both cases, a third party greatly influenced the leaver to pursue their personal journey at the expense of the family group.

    I would be interested in people's views about achieving personal objectives when perhaps constrained by a formal relationship.
     
  2. DasLeezard

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    Sacrifice. When you take those vows, you are exchanging 'I' and 'my' to 'We' and 'Our'. Your personal journey should involve those that you have already made a commitment to, whether it be education, travel, or what have you.

    If you take off, you weren't really ready or mature enough for that commitment in the first place.
     
  3. Drifterwood

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    This presumes that people get married for the "right" reasons, they don't, and that people will not change, they do.
     
  4. noirman

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    I doubt that a one-size-fits-all approach will work here. People fall in and out of love, evolve in different directions, marry for the wrong reasons, etc. The most painful complication seems to be when children are involved (which we gays don't have to worry about), and if someone chooses to reproduce, then he/she should accept the responsibilty of nurturing that child. If staying together isn't an option, then the split needs to be done in a manner that the children are impacted as little as possible. I suspect the OP's opinion will differ from mine, but I think that the children's needs should be the first consideration, even at the expense of a degree of personal happiness, till the children are old enough to deal with it. This old-fashioned notion flies in the face of prevailing attitudes, but I know too many adults who suffered as children because of marriages gone wrong that were dealt with without considering the children. Yes, I realize that it can be worse for children to endure bickering parents. There are other options like having an open marriage for awhile or even keeping one's own happiness in abeyance for a few years.
     
  5. LadyJaneGrey

    LadyJaneGrey New Member

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    I know that people marry and have children for all sorts of reasons and that sometimes it is not their chosen path but I can only speak for myself.

    My 'personal journey' could never exclude my child.

    She is my journey.

    I feel the same about my fiancé.

    I don't want to do anything that would exclude him from my life.

    I am not an ambitious person or rather I am but my ambitions center on the happiness and emotional security for the people I love and for myself.

    Maybe there are 2 types of people, those whose journey is about themselves and individual achievement and those whose path IS their relationships.
     
  6. nudeyorker

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    Speaking for myself I remained single in order to pursue my dreams and take my personal journeys. Once I decided to make the commitment to be a couple I realized that it would be our dreams and a joint journey from that point forward.
    It would be difficult for me to pass judgement on those who do otherwise without first knowing the details of their unhappiness.
     
  7. Drifterwood

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    Is he the father, Lady Jane?

    I don't disagree about kids being put first Noir. I am sure some people don't and then there is the situation where the parents are "older" parents, so I suppose if they waited till the kids had grown up, they would be in their 60's.

    Interesting Nudie. I wonder how many people are as self aware when they make life decisions. When I was twenty five I certainly wouldn't have been thinking in terms of what a committment meant in regard to scarifice and compromise nor joined journeys.
     
  8. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    I agree with LJG to a point but I would say that it is possible and valuable not to see these two paths as opposites. I think it's best to have the journey be about myself and also about those I'm in relationships with. I don't see any contradiction in caring about others as well as myself. I think I can do both. :biggrin1:
     
  9. LadyJaneGrey

    LadyJaneGrey New Member

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    He is not.

    My childs biological father was incapable of taking his role into actual fatherhood, so he ran away from us.

    Perhaps on his personal journey I don't know.

    I suppose his reaction to parenthood has helped shape the opinions I expressed above.

    Before anyone suggests I am being prejudiced I know not all fathers are like that.

    I did not mean to imply they were opposites. Most people I know weave these two paths together.
     
  10. helgaleena

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    What is life if not a 'personal journey'? I don't get this concept or why it is being used solely as the putative reason for dissolving a partnership.

    Those who had a child or many children and found themselves unable to stay with those children because their internal health was being damaged by the situation sufficiently that the children were better off with them absent must have been having children for all the wrong reasons. Either that or they were deficient in parenting instincts. I could not do that to my child.

    Then again, I did resist the urge to become a parent quite strenuously for a long time. The gravity of the changes it made to me even at the cellular level were daunting.
     
  11. Bbucko

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    I've always said that every relationship is composed of three equal elements: both individuals and the relationship itself. Any compromise made by one party or the other should be with the best interest of the relationship in mind. When one person acts unilaterally or without concern either for his/her partner or their relationship, it's an act of sabotage.
     
  12. ArtofDesire

    ArtofDesire New Member

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    In my opinion all of the above points are excellent and valid.

    I'm responding because I left a relationship to pursue long-term goals so I thought perhaps my story might be relevant.

    A little background first: I got married as soon as I turned 18-years old and was married for 7 years when my husband who was a few years older died tragically in war. Thank goodness we never had any children because he wanted to wait until he got out of the Service.


    A couple years later I started dating again and received a proposal of marriage. I was lonely and at 28-years of age I was still very immature (although I did not think so at the time). I got married again but not for the right reasons. A product of my era I mistakenly thought that I needed to be married. The second marriage was unfulfilling and I suffered verbal and mental abuse so I left the relationship after only two years of marriage. We parted amicably and I took nothing from the marriage other than my peace of mind.


    Eight years later I was proposed to yet again. However this time around I felt secure enough in myself to turn the proposal down (after 2 marriages I was not ready to go for a 3rd) but the primary reason was that I needed to go to college and he was not supporting my decision.

    The decision to go to college was a good one, I've benefitted greatly and even went on to earn a master's degree in 2005 so I'll never regret the decision, but my relationships suffered as I worked fulltime and went to school at night; so I guess the end result is that yes I am successful in my career, but I sacrificed the chance to be a mother and live the American dream of being in a nuclear family which is something I want.

    In hindsight I can only hope that I am living the life that I was meant to live this time around and that I will eventually meet someone I want to grow old with. I feel like I've paid a heavy price for some of my decisions but I learned to be independent and that was a lesson that I needed to learn. Also, if asked I would always say pursue higher education as it is well worth the sacrifice. College is where I finally learned who I am and the value of commitment to decisions made.

    Okay, so maybe the story's a little off topic, but I guess it points out that there can be many reasons why someone may decide to leave a relationship to go on their personal journey.
     
  13. helgaleena

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    Ittibitti, I don't think your post is off topic at all. Your 'personal journey' is your life, and you lived it in relationships as well as without them. And as you say, the children were not there to pull you into what their upbringing would require.
     
  14. ArtofDesire

    ArtofDesire New Member

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    Thank you helgaleena.
     
  15. Drifterwood

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    I see it like two circles creating a venn diagram. Ideally of course, the overlap creating the relationship is given to equally by each, but of course it isn't.

    Some relationships have both circles initially subsumed within each other. Others increase their connection over time. Some smaller circles throw themselves wholly within a larger circle.

    I suppose I am talking about situations where that part which is required to form the connection is needed for something else to be achieved. As Itti has shown, sometimes you can't have both.
     
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