Phone Sex: Cheating or harmless fun?

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by D_Kaye Throttlebottom, Sep 20, 2009.

  1. D_Kaye Throttlebottom

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    He has a serious girlfriend of 1.5 years. I've known him for 3 years. We live in different cities. For the most part we talk career, office personnel challenges, grad school stuff and each other's dating lives. We're friends. He's not exactly my type, but he has always liked me. He thinks if we lived in the same city - we would have sealed the deal a long time ago.

    I like this attention, but I cannot say I feel the same attraction. He's not unattractive, strong leg muscles, etc., just not my flavor of guy. Whenever I feel down or vice versa we support one another, like friends, through it.

    So his gf is out of town and he started this diatribe about what he would do to me and it got grahic and he was jerking off. He even said "I want you Zoe, I love you Zoe, do you see how hard you make me?" It was strange to say the least. He also asked me how I wanted him to cum and I put it context of what an ex-bf's face looks like when he comes and wondered what that was like and he responded "I think we just consummated this right now." He's shitting me right? Jacking off on the phone is consummating what, masturbation?

    I felt like I would humiliate him if I just abruptly said "gotta go, bye." Next thing I thought was this - Why isn't he having phone sex with his gf? If it were me, I would not be okay with my bf jacking off to a female friend on the phone. I also know that she is the kind of woman that he has wanted for a long time, she has her shit together and has her own life, he isn't the center of it, but he also feels he does not see her enough as a result. Careful what you wish for kind of thing.

    It's weird right? How many female friends are jerk off buddies? Don't know what to say now. meh, he thinks we "consummated" something and I feel like, no, I just told you what you wanted to hear.

    Hopefully that's the end of it, but I just wondered what anyone else thought.

    Is phone sex cheating? I think it's more than just porn, you're inviting another person to interact in your self-gratification...and for those reasons I think it's testing a boundary..
     
  2. B_New End

    B_New End New Member

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    cheating
     
  3. Not_Punny

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    I would hit the wall if my guy was having phone sex with another woman. Totally different than a porn video or picture.

    A line has been crossed, and it looks like you lost yourself a buddy. I would have hung up the minute it started getting sexual. I wouldn't have told him what he wanted to hear unless I wanted to say that again in future conversations.
     
  4. dolfette

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    cheating.
     
  5. BigTaTas36F

    BigTaTas36F New Member

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    yah thats def an uncomfortable situation. Im sure his GF will find it cheating. I dont think its actually cheating. but its def completely inapropriate if he has a GF and if it was me and i found out about it i would leave his ass
     
  6. Bbucko

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    Phone sex is totally lost on me. I seriously don't get it.
     
  7. ZOS23xy

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    I don't find phone sex interesting. Or believable. I think it is desperation. Someone is going to talk to you and tell you what you want? Never had to do it.
     
  8. ZOS23xy

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    By the way, you're flashing Ronald McVomit makes me ill. Someone with epilepsy could be set off.
     
  9. D_Kaye Throttlebottom

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    It's been pointed out on several threads, but it is yet to be altered.
     
  10. D_Kaye Throttlebottom

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    Again, why I felt weird. He was very in to it. Me, not so much. Though I does lead me to believe he is capable of cheating.
     
  11. B_Dustydo

    B_Dustydo New Member

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    I think what is important here is how you feel about it.
    Are you going to let this happen again?
    He seems to be ok with the idea of cheating on his girlfriend. That was his choice and to an extent yours as well for not putting a stop to it when it started.
    If your not happy with the situation I think you should tell him because you've set a precedent and no doubt in his mind it's "all good"..
     
  12. Wish-4-8

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    Its a form of cheating because he is trying to share "intimacy" with another human being. That is what makes it different from Porn. Porn is one way. This is two way. The video can not call you and say, "Boom I got your man!" The video is made for all to see, not just one specific person. So yes, if he made a video FOR YOU, that is a form of cheating.

    When i was first reading the post, I thought "Creepy", if he did it just that way. And if he didnt cheat "for real", he certain stated his intentions with you which is bad enough. Is that conversation something he can share with his GF? So lets say all 3 of you get together for dinner. Can you say, "I like how your boyfriend jerked off to me during our last phone conversation." ?

    And the easiest way to answer the original question is to ask yourself how you would respond if the tables were turned.
     
  13. BobLeeSwagger

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    The only person whose opinion matters on whether it's cheating is his girlfriend. The whole thing is subjective, but his problem is if she thinks it's cheating, not what other people think. If she dumps him, then he's not helped by other people assuring him that he didn't cheat.
     
  14. the_reverend

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    yeah, it's a kind of cheating. i wouldn't put it at the same degree as actually having sex with another person, but it's sharing an intimate sexual connection with someone else. i think HE certain consumated something, but that kind of thing is really just awkwardly foisting his own desires and delusions off on you. if you made it clear you weren't interested in him in that way and he continued to the point of jerking off on the phone with you, then that's just creepy and wrong for him to do as a friend, and wrong for him to do to his girlfriend as well.

    and i say this as a BIG fan of phone sex. i've done it plenty of times with girlfriends, exes, just friends...and in more depressed days, i'll admit to trying to manipulate phone conversations in that direction. and when the girl said "hey, that's not cool," i backed down (well, more often than not...if i'm being totally honest) and i look back on it now and realize just how creepy and intrusive that was. but when the both of us are into it, it's a whole hell of a lot of fun. :)

    my last foray into the world of phone sex was actually with an ex who is now married...we indulged in that for a bit, but i came to the conclusion that it was cheating and unfair to her husband so i put a stop to it. otherwise, we'd probably still be going at it. and by now, possibly more. so it might be difficult and awkward to say "we shouldn't do this," especially with a friend...but it's also the right thing to do for both of your sakes.
     
  15. EllieP

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    Hi Zoe, your post has finally got me off my butt to register. I've been looking over my hubby's shoulder for months but when I read your message it set off something in me.

    I work for a design company and I'm always working with a few clients so it's not unusual for me to get a phone call at home to discuss tomorrow's on site or something. But about a year and a half ago I received a phone call from a man that we worked with a few times before. The phone call started off as business but soon got personal and I became uncomfortable. I made an excuse to hang up that time. But he continued to call over the next few days and spoke with him mostly out of fear of losing him as a customer.

    Now I can say it was phone sex but at the time I wasn't so sure. I think I was very confused and wondering why he was doing it. First of all I was not attracted to him at all. I knew he was married and I knew his wife travelled quite a bit on business. He also knew that my husband worked night sometimes and he mentioned that quite a bit.

    I don't know what he was doing on the other end of the phone but I didn't talk a lot. He did most of the talking.

    After something like the fourth phone call I felt like I was cheating. Somehow he stopped being the creepy one and I started feeling like the one doing something wrong. I finally told my husband and he hit the roof. Not at me but at him. I knew then that I would have to tell the store owner who finally confronted him about it.

    We did not lose the customer but he now knows that I will never work on his account again.

    Cap and I talked about it a lot and I felt like I betrayed his trust in a way because I didn't tell him earlier. He says I was well-played by this jerk who probably does it a lot.
     
  16. D_Kaye Throttlebottom

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    So I want to sum this up.

    1. I'm not in to phone sex, period.
    2. If he were a boyfriend and wanted me to do it - I would do so if it made him happy and we were separated on travel. At the risk of it being intercepted and circulated and laughed at - I'd do so for a bf.
    3. He's not my bf. I felt weird hearing about these details about what he would do to me.
    4. I was not turned on by it, but I did like the attention. I have to be honest - It's not like I'm a victim. I could have stopped it at any time.
    5. I'm fine with being his friend and realized, the only person that has to decide if that is too complicated for me, that is on me. Even after this embarassing episode.
    6. As long as he does not initiate that again, I will continue to be a friend. He was an excellent friend to me all this time.
    7. He did not full on manipulate me. He was honest. He thinks about sex with me. He said he was going to jerk off later. I called him back. I knew that. So again I have a creep factor.
    8. I'm not attracted to him. But I liked the attention he gave me (up until it was I wanna fuck you etc...
    9. I think his phone sex turns me off, b/c I think it means he's capable of cheating on his gf. I mean - it starts w/ phone sex, what's next - if I'm on travel, I do an extended layover? It's not a risk I want to tempt.
    10. It's not my relationship. That is his relationship with his gf. That is between them. For me, I'm not comfortable doing it.
    11. I sent him a letter, that I don't want to do it again and I'm sorry for leading him on - if he were my bf - I would NOT be okay with him jacking off on the phone with another woman. I liked the attention and I'm not hapy in my own love life, so I let go on longer than I should and I'm sorry for that. I still want to be chums and talk though.

    He wrote back - okay he got carried away as well and thinks it's better if we're chums. We'll probably talk later (EMPHASIS on TALK!!) and have a good week.

    If he persists, then I know I have to cut him lose as a friend. I do enjoy his friendship for years before this happened. I'm okay to enjoy his friendship in spite of it, as long as it does not happen again. I also know not to jerk with his emotions and start some shit I am not interested in finishing.
     
  17. EllieP

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    Zoe, this is what finally did it for me. My husband asked what if there was no phone involved and we were talking face to face? I realized then that I was not only allowing him to do it I was enabling him as well. And yes, if he cheats on someone else then he can't be trusted period.

    I don't think this bloke is worth having as a chum.
     
  18. Symphonic

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    These boundaries are set by the couple in question. It's not necessarily cheating since cheating can entail multiple things. For some "watching porn" is cheating while for others open relationships are the norm.
     
  19. D_Kaye Throttlebottom

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    The difference for me is that no, I would not have sex with him if the phone was not in the equation. I'm not attracted to him. For those reasons, if we remain friends without that happening and I cannot fish for attenion when I'm feeling low. I enjoyed the attention, but did not want the phone stuff. So I have to be honest about it.

    As long as he does not go there with me, I can keep him as a friend. While I have reservations about his being able to commit - I'm not dating him, nor am I his girlfriend, it's not my issue. I can only speak to my own boundaries. Which I did. "I dont want to do the phone stuff and I'd rather remain friends, I got carried away and I lead you on."

    Now if I talk to him in a few weeks and he asks "seriously that did not do anything for you?" Then I know it's a cam-handed segue to talk about it again and I can sever the contact. But I've been friends with him for 3 years, so I want to think, if we can respect each other's boundaries, I can move past it.
     
  20. dirrtyminded

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    He's one step closer to completing a fully fleshed out act of cheating.
    He has a girl that he could have phone sex with yet he chooses to get it from you because he wants something on the side.
     
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