Physical Abuse

[Dorian_Gray]

Today I was walking out of WalMart (of all places) and saw a father spanking his son. I mean, it wasn't anything bad... just a hand... but just seeing it stirred up some very ugly memories.

*Disclaimer: There have been only two people on this site that have known me personally, so I sort of feel a security in the anonymity of these forums.

As a child I was beaten. And beaten. And beaten some more. God it's horrible to remember those days. Just seeing that scene at WalMart has gotten my mind going about all kinds of things. Past relationships, personal issues, relationships... mainly because I can't ever have one. I can't seem to ever let anyone in. If normal people put up walls to keep people out, mine would be made of 20ft thick inconel. On top of all that I have a serious aversion to touch. I can't stand for people to touch me. Hugs disgust me, and it makes me feel like a freak. It physically makes me sick to wear shorts, because it always made the pain 100x worse when there's no fabric between whatever was in his hand and my skin. Hearing a belt buckle rattle makes my body course with adrenaline, in anticipation.


My question to you guys is how do I deal with this? I've seen ump-teen different doctors, but their only suggestion is a pill. I don't want a pill. I don't want to be whacked out. I just want something... a suggestion if someone has one. Just something. The only thing that I've found over the years that puts me at ease is being held by someone protective. Only thing is my relationships never last long enough because of my issue of letting people in.

 

[ges]

You deserve to see a proper counsellor, preferrably a psychologist. By the sound of things, it will take hard work, but no-one should be living with those kind of triggers and reactions. I hope you can afford treatments and feel worthy of a good chance of proper relationships. All the best.

 

[Dorian_Gray]

You deserve to see a proper counsellor, preferrably a psychologist. By the sound of things, it will take hard work, but no-one should be living with those kind of triggers and reactions. I hope you can afford treatments and feel worthy of a good chance of proper relationships. All the best.

I'm a special case and of all the doctors I've seen, none of them know what to do aside from prescribing a strong sedative. See, I'm a high-functioning autistic. My life is good, my job is good, money is no problem... but this I cannot seem to shake and I feel it's ruining my personal life.

 

[Over-reaching]

It seems to me that ongoing counselling is worth trying. You say you've been to doctors, who have prescribed medications and no doubt talked to you and/or encouraged you to talk to them, but have you seen a counsellor for any length of time?

By "counsellor" in this case, I don't mean just anyone: I think that a psychologist might be best placed to help, and of course both of you need to be happy with the relationship, and therefore it is likely that any counsellor would suggest one or two (at least) "preliminary" sessions before any long-term commitment is made.

One good thing: you've acknowledged the issues to yourself and you clearly want to change things. You have already overcome handicaps that most of us don't have – and congratulations and all kudos for that: you obviously have some admirable achievements under your belt, and deserve to be proud of that. There is no reason, therefore, why with work and help you can't move forwards with the issues you are describing here.

 

[Dave NoCal]

OP,
You describe symptoms of PTSD which is treated by counseling and actually has a good prognosis provided you are willing to put in the time and the work. Antianxiety medications can help with the symptom of extreme anxiety but do not treat the underlying condition. It is also common for people suffering with this to be depressed and antidepressant medication can help but, again, do not treat the underlying condition. Some counselors don't have the attention span for this type of work so you need to seek out someone who does. I know this line of work and am glad to discuss your course of action if you care to PM.

 

[petite]

I recently read in the New York Times that insurance companies aren't covering talk therapy as much as in previous years, but they're covering prescriptions and that has caused a major shift in what therapy is recommended because most patients can't afford to pay out of pocket. It's terrible. I wonder if that might be the reason why doctors keep advising medication over other forms of therapy.

I'm sorry that happened to you. :frown:

 

[Countryguy63]

Dorian, I too was beat by my Dad. Severely at times. Welts and bruises from belts, switches, anything that he could get his hands on, were common occurrences.

As impossible and even dumb as this may sound, the one most important thing that I ever did for myself was forgive him. All the bottled up rage and hatred that I felt towards him was causing me to feel exactly as you are describing. Needing someone to hold and comfort you, and at the same time, being repulsed by it.

I've talked a little on here about that day, so I won't go into detail again, but I was in my mid-late 20's and was driving when a song on the radio triggered it. I had to pull over because it came down on me so hard. I was crying so much that I literally could not see and could barely breath. I can't even describe how painful it was.

What I realized that day was that while he was totally responsible for his actions, I was responsible for what it was still doing to me. He never did ever admit to his actions, so the only option was for me to force myself to forgive. Only someone who has experienced it can comprehend how difficult that is.

It's in no way an easy road. But for me, it was the only road, and it did for me what countless Psychiatratrists, Psychologists, and other Mental Health specialists, were not able to do.

My hope for you is that you are able to find the solution that you need.

Btw, you can ask Alpha, I still have issues with hugging for an extended period of time :frown1:

 

[LuciferChild]

i was beaten when i was a child but i didnt get any trauma with that....who wasnt beaten in child?? people who has any trauma should see why they were beaten and think if it was a lesson for them, turned to be in the parents place, I still love my parents a lot...

I dont call it physical abuse, for me physical abuse is when someone is beaten without any reason....

 

[Countryguy63]

i was beaten when i was a child but i didnt get any trauma with that....who wasnt beaten in child?? people who has any trauma should see why they were beaten and think if it was a lesson for them, turned to be in the parents place, I still love my parents a lot...

I dont call it physical abuse, for me physical abuse is when someone is beaten without any reason....

NO! There's a limit that when is exceeded, goes from discipline to abuse. My children were NEVER beaten. Slapped on the hand, struck on the buttocks? Yes, but only until they were old enough to be able to reason out other methods of discipline.

We're not talking about spanking. If you've never experienced the fear that comes with the rage of someone when they have lost control of their anger, then I understand that you are not able to comprehend what some of us have experienced.

If you've never had your pants stick to open welts on the back of your legs, please DO NOT ask me to "see why they were beaten and think if it was a lesson for them,"

 

[rayray]

Dorian, I am sorry the abuse that you suffered in the past..Pills are not the cure all but if you combine therapy with medication it may be benificial in the long term. Someone mentioned forgiveness, that might help. Remember you are a adult now and no one has that control over you anymore. I hope something works for you.

 

[hud01]

I agree with the others. Seek counseling, long term. This is too deep to go it alone. You also have to be willing to share and let go of the past.

You contradict yourself, but it is good. You say you can't stand being hugged, but then you say you only feel good, when you are held and protected. This to me means there is still hope. You need someone who is good at nurturing and is strong, but very kind.

 

[Dorian_Gray]

It seems to me that ongoing counselling is worth trying. You say you've been to doctors, who have prescribed medications and no doubt talked to you and/or encouraged you to talk to them, but have you seen a counsellor for any length of time?

By "counsellor" in this case, I don't mean just anyone: I think that a psychologist might be best placed to help, and of course both of you need to be happy with the relationship, and therefore it is likely that any counsellor would suggest one or two (at least) "preliminary" sessions before any long-term commitment is made.

One good thing: you've acknowledged the issues to yourself and you clearly want to change things. You have already overcome handicaps that most of us don't have – and congratulations and all kudos for that: you obviously have some admirable achievements under your belt, and deserve to be proud of that. There is no reason, therefore, why with work and help you can't move forwards with the issues you are describing here.

I have had over 2 years of ongoing therapy with 2 different psychiatrists. The only thing I got from them was a bill. None of them seemed to really care at all.

OP,
You describe symptoms of PTSD which is treated by counseling and actually has a good prognosis provided you are willing to put in the time and the work. Antianxiety medications can help with the symptom of extreme anxiety but do not treat the underlying condition. It is also common for people suffering with this to be depressed and antidepressant medication can help but, again, do not treat the underlying condition. Some counselors don't have the attention span for this type of work so you need to seek out someone who does. I know this line of work and am glad to discuss your course of action if you care to PM.

I will have to PM you! You hit the nail on the head several times.

I recently read in the New York Times that insurance companies aren't covering talk therapy as much as in previous years, but they're covering prescriptions and that has caused a major shift in what therapy is recommended because most patients can't afford to pay out of pocket. It's terrible. I wonder if that might be the reason why doctors keep advising medication over other forms of therapy.

I'm sorry that happened to you. :frown:

You're correct. They're not, and it's a damn shame. Medication should be a last resort. Some people just want to be heard and acknowledged.

Dorian, I too was beat by my Dad. Severely at times. Welts and bruises from belts, switches, anything that he could get his hands on, were common occurrences.

As impossible and even dumb as this may sound, the one most important thing that I ever did for myself was forgive him. All the bottled up rage and hatred that I felt towards him was causing me to feel exactly as you are describing. Needing someone to hold and comfort you, and at the same time, being repulsed by it.

I've talked a little on here about that day, so I won't go into detail again, but I was in my mid-late 20's and was driving when a song on the radio triggered it. I had to pull over because it came down on me so hard. I was crying so much that I literally could not see and could barely breath. I can't even describe how painful it was.

What I realized that day was that while he was totally responsible for his actions, I was responsible for what it was still doing to me. He never did ever admit to his actions, so the only option was for me to force myself to forgive. Only someone who has experienced it can comprehend how difficult that is.

It's in no way an easy road. But for me, it was the only road, and it did for me what countless Psychiatratrists, Psychologists, and other Mental Health specialists, were not able to do.

My hope for you is that you are able to find the solution that you need.

Btw, you can ask Alpha, I still have issues with hugging for an extended period of time :frown1:

It's the most painful thing to think about isn't it? Welts, bruises, scrapes... sometimes gashes if it was particularly bad. It wasn't always just the legs either. Legs, back, arms...

I'm sort of half way there. Just when I had graduated high-school I had gotten a ton of scholarships and I immediately moved away. Best thing I've ever done in my life. But I haven't seen him since. I think part of what I need to do is confront him about it. I need to hear him admit what he did, IDK why. Part of me hopes he suffers from the knowledge of what he did. IDK. My doctors did all agree on one point: I'm still very angry about it. A very deep anger. I've moved past the stage of wanting to beat him to a pulp though.

i was beaten when i was a child but i didnt get any trauma with that....who wasnt beaten in child?? people who has any trauma should see why they were beaten and think if it was a lesson for them, turned to be in the parents place, I still love my parents a lot...

I dont call it physical abuse, for me physical abuse is when someone is beaten without any reason....

Beaten =/= Beaten.

Like CountryGuy63 said, there's a limit. And yes, some were for NO reason. Some were just because he could.

I agree with the others. Seek counseling, long term. This is too deep to go it alone. You also have to be willing to share and let go of the past.

You contradict yourself, but it is good. You say you can't stand being hugged, but then you say you only feel good, when you are held and protected. This to me means there is still hope. You need someone who is good at nurturing and is strong, but very kind.

Well, to me being hugged and being held protectively are two completely polar opposites. A hug is a simple token of affection. Being held is like being blanketed by comfort. It makes me feel like nothing can touch me.

 

[Countryguy63]

Dorian,
While I do agree that you need to confront him about this issue, it has to be for and about you. Your progress cannot be dependant on him admitting to what he did, or even suffering from it.

Remember, my Dad never did admit to it. In fact he denied it. But, I made my feelings known and that's what was important for me to be able to do in order to move on.

Yes, a full acknowledgement and taking responsibility for it from him, would be the best possible scenerio, but if that doesn't happen, you can still move forward without it.

Don't let him continue to control your emotions! You start taking control yourself :smile:

 

[deleted704657]

While all the discussion on PTSD treatment is the most important here, I'd love to take you up on just holding you.

You're very right in that being hugged and being held are two very different things. As a big 6'9" man myself, I love it when I'm just holding someone. I may only be 20, but in my experience so far, no matter how big a man is, I'm bigger; nothing can touch you when I have you. Though this is what I've been told, I know it's true because I can feel it; warm, solid, connected, loved.

My dad was physical with me many times and denies it too, but if I can forgive, so can you. I know you had it worse, but when we forgive, we give ourselves the capacity to love again; both ourselves and others - not to give ourselves this chance is the highest injustice.

While I hope you can help yourself, and I hope you find the grade of PTSD treatment that you need, in the interim I send you my love, and if I could hold you, I would.

 

[LaFemme]

Like a few of the others here, I was beaten very badly as a child. In fact, sounds like CG & I were raised by the same man! I just don't recall seeing a blue-eyed brother around my house at the time, although the terror when I was kid did keep me a little unfocused, lol.

Beatings were bad, as was the emotional abuse. I was never good enough, he always bemoaned having children, I was worthless, ugly and lazy. But I was a very determined little girl and long story short - changed my life. Therapy and dogged determination to be healthy allowed me to raise healthy children. I learned to forgive my father and my myself. I did not forget what happened or excuse him, but I learned to accept him as a deeply flawed man. He had his own journey and we made peace in the end.

I do recommend therapy. I would also recommend EMDR as you likely suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD does not diminish with time when left untreated, and in fact gets worse. As someone with autism, your situation becomes even more complicated. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy can be very effective with PTSD and with those who cannot be reached through traditional talk therapy, ie. children, military personnel (in deep shock) etc.

It can be done. If you want wellness enough - it can be done. Believe me.

 

[sixtwo190]

I second the suggestion for EMDR. It did wonders for me in a relatively short period of time. And it has been fairly extensively researched. Google "EMDR" and find a practitioner in your area. Best of luck.

 

[Dave NoCal]

I agree that EMDR can be extremely effective at reducing overwhelming anxiety and might well provide the OP with excellent symptom relief. Similarly, although far less proven, it has been my observation that Emotional Freedom Technique ("Tapping") and provide almost immediate relief for persistent phobias. Either or both of these might be avenues to pursue to reduce immediate suffering. In my opnion, having been abused also leaves one with existential issues that are not addressed by these methods and can be beneficial for "making meaning" of one's life experiences.