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Please give advice...

C

college22punk9

Hi everyone. I need some help, so only give advice if you have the relevant experience to give it please. I know everyone is different, but I need some other's thoughts on my situation.

So my bf decides to tell me last night that he doesnt' know what he is thinking anymore, and might want to break up....

Here is the situation. We have been dating for 2.5 years, and we lived a good commute away from each other and only saw each other on the weekends. So I got a job a lot closer and have been staying with him the past few weeks until I find a place of my own near him/work. So it has been 3-3.5 weeks and after the first week, we definately felt some "tension". I don't really have my own space, and I was/am living out of suitcases in his room so we dont really have our "own space" to chill in.

Anyway... so we start talking, and we are both getting upset, and saying how much we love each other but something just "isn't right". We talked a little more and since I am moving into my house next week, we decided to just calm down and see how things go once we actually have our own space again. We did go from seeing each other 1-2 days a week, to seeing each other basically 24/7 unless at work, which we both work 8-5.

Has anyone else been in this sort of situation, where moving in together in a temp situation brings about crazy stuff in your relationship? Do you think I am diluting myself, and things probably won't get better once I have my own place, or do you think they will get more normal again? I just think its so sudden, that its not right to just give up, and that being togetehr this long, we need to work through the tough times. Any advice? please... ASAP would be nice too.
 

EnglishGentleman

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Hi. Your profile doesn't say if your M or F but I get the impression you're a guy. Please forgive me if I'm incorrect.

The "space" thing has been a problem for me in my relationships. Moving into another's home is never easy for either party, and from my experience (I've done the same thing twice) the tension should ease when you move into your own house.

If things continue to work out, you're probably best to get a new place together rather than into one or the other's home when the time to live together comes about.

If you are a guy the advice goes double, 'cos guys, gay or straight, tend to be alot more possessive and territorial than most women. That means extra tension on both sides.

Hope it works out for you.
 

hotnmpls2000@yahoo.com

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I had a friend who moved in with me. I made him move out a week later. While I liked him, I didn't when he was in my space. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless you had issues before that you didn't know about that started to surface. I'd keep an eye out for that. Did he support you moving closer, or is he feeling a little pressured now that you are closer? Look for signs that there were other issues, but don't freak out. Things most likely will get better now with space. (It might have even been easier if you were in a two bedroom or some place with more room, so it most likely was the cramped quarters.
 
C

college22punk9

hey, yes he was very supportive of me moving closer. We actually just got off of the phone and he and I both think that once we have our own space it will get better. I am SO scared that he is just saying that, and it won't get "better" after a few weeks, and then what? I dunno... I would think it would take more than some weeks to get things better... I mean as far as getting into a routine at the new house and moved in, and my job... I just hope he isn't expecting a miracle overnight or anything. I move in next week to the house, and i'm trying to give as much space as possible while i'm still at his place. I'm almost having an anexiety attack over this, and its not the end of the world because we are still togehter, but the fact that soon he could say "nope, i'm not feeling anything different..." and i'm screwed. you know?
 

EnglishGentleman

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You gottta have a little faith in human nature my friend. If it doesn't work out, C'est la vie, but I think the signs are that it will. You've both recognised the same problem and you've been 2 1/2 years together previous to now. I've got my fingers crossed for you! :wink:
 

jeff black

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just gotta be as patient and understanding as possible.. EG is right.. it sound slike it will work out in the end.. having alot of history can be really good for a relationship.. there is security there.
and if it doesn't work out, there are other fish in the sea... though why anyone would date a fish is beyond me :tongue:
 
C

college22punk9

Thanks everyone. I mean I had my suspicions that something more was going on. I thought maybe he met someone else, or that he is just trying to let me down slowly. But we talked again this morning, and everything seems more normal. I don't feel like i'm "on trial" like I dont feel as pressured that our relationship is under a microscope right now. Maybe that is a good sign. I asked if he thought there was ANYTHING else that might be going on, and stuff, and he says "no no... i think we'll be ok, what do you think?" and of course I agree, becuase I dont think its AS bad, but I definately feel something different in our relationship. I guess its reassuring that I said I would be spending this coming up week at my family's house becuase they are goign out of town and need someone to watch the dog. He said "oh you can just bring the dog so you dont have such a big commute to work". I thought it was a nice gesture, however, I think adding the stress of me AND a big dog to the living situation is going to make things worse, and not better during this week (which i move into my house next week). Personally, after talking this morning, I think things will be fine.... but I know i'm just hoping for the best, so maybe i'm just filling myself with false hope, I don't know. He doesn't want to take a break or break up at this point, so I don't think its really THAT bad of a situation. We are still together, so hopefully we will continue to be. I just dont want to throw everythign away after all this time spent together, becuase he haven't really had "rough times" to work though. maybe one small rough time like 1.5 years ago, but that was it. I just think that some relationships are worth working out.

OK, so here's somethign else.... since i've started staying with him... we haven't done ANYTHING alone. We've always done social stuff with friends, or if I don't feel like going out, he'll go out with a friend or two. Granted I'm new to this area, I dont have friends in the area and I don't know where anything is, so I guess I "hang" on him as my doorway to a social life at this point, but I think that will also go away during time. Should we maybe not spend so much "hanging out" time together, and spend more time on "dates" where we are alone? I dunno... just something I was thinking. Thanks for all the advice, and please don't stop.
 

exwhyzee

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Sounds like he might be slow to adjust to the new living arrangements and new level of proximity. Sometimes guys get a little edgy about their own space and time, and dont want to lose their autonomy/identity.

I'm with other posters in saying you should just be patient, and see how things go. Give a little breathing time, give him some space and he will get his comfort level back.