PLEASE HELP ASAP

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_werfghj, Apr 30, 2005.

  1. B_werfghj

    B_werfghj New Member

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    Hello everyone.

    My wife and I have been married for three years,
    in the last few months, ( say 4 or 5 ) she has been very short and mean with me.
    ( typical of overts and witholds) -
    when someone has done wrong to you, they treat you bad, for more info, please view this link:
    http://www.scientologyhandbook.org/sh13_1a.htm

    anyway, I was running a quick cycle on her, and I finally got the PTS into the light.
    ( potential trouble source ) - a third party that can cause two people to be at odds with each other.

    she has been seeing a co-worker of hers for the last few months, she fessed up to me this morning about this.
    I feel crushed and betrayed, and overall sick over the whole thing.

    she swears that she did NOT have sex with him, and she told me who he is.

    I told her she needs to cut all communication with him asap, and we need to get into counseling also, asap.

    guys and gals I really need help with this.. I really really need help,
    she told me everything, that HE just went though a divorce because HIS wife was cheating on him, for my money, if he knows how bad that hurts, why would he put pain on somone else.
    we have a 3 year old beautiful daughter..
    i need help..
    please friends.
    help
     
  2. Altairion

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    1) Be sure not to take too much of your anger out on your wife. Be sure that she knows that you still love her. If you push her too hard, you'll only drive her away.

    2) Take the high road. Don't start preaching or ranting. You are the person that will be hurt in this situation, and if you look like you're going to lose it, you won't help your position. Just hold your head high throughout this, not just for you, but also for your daughter.

    3) Don't get overprotective of your wife. I know your instincts might be to prevent any further incidents, but don't try to control her. She has to have her own room to live still, so be sure to respect her on that.

    4) Counseling seems like a good idea. Just don't rush through things before you might regret your actions. Think things through, and having someone to moderate discussions and help you through this with your wife is really important.
     
  3. surferboy

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    I agree with Brian in that you should seek counseling. But like, in my opinion, you have every right to be hurt and angered. She betrayed yer trust. I'm not sayin to leave her; I totally believe that like, everyone deserves a second chance. So, get some counseling brah. I wish you the best of luck *comfort hug*
     
  4. madame_zora

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    Altarion, that was an amazing post! You put cold chills on my spine.

    I agree completely with what was just said. When a hurt is so new and fresh, it is difficult to determine how you will feel given a bit of time, and you don't want to add difficulty to the situation right now. Do what you can to remain calm and rational, you will appreicate the space you gave yourself and the situation in the very near future.

    Also, be very generous to yourself for a little while, allow yourself to have feelings and go through the process of working through them rather than denying their existance. Your friends here are willing to listen when you want to talk. Peace to you and yours.
     
  5. KinkGuy

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    My opinion? For what it's worth, you need to decide if you are happier with her or not....and work through this. Counseling for both of you. I think you want this work and it can and will if you want it to. You have the power to make it all be right again.
     
  6. brainzz_n_dong

    brainzz_n_dong New Member

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    Altarion, your post is amazing. I don't think that advice can be improved upon.

    In the "my 2 cents category" from watching one of my brothers (5 yrs older than me) go through a very bad situation about 18 months ago, giving yourself space to deal with the varied emotions is important. And, progress in dealing with things doesn't always mean continual steps forward, things can sometimes take a step or two back but just keep working at it and pray hard.

    We'll be thinking about you Dan....good luck
     
  7. Altairion

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    Wow, I didn't mean to monopolize the good comments :)

    Anyway, Kink had a very good point. Dan, to me it sounded like you still love her, and so I only focused on that end during my original reply. If you feel that your feelings will never be the same, or that you don't feel right with your wife anymore; do not try to force your relationship to work.

    For now, just see where counseling takes things. Rely on your friends, and if you need to vent or get advice, we're here for you buddy.
     
  8. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!
    Brian and Nixxy,

    I am really impressed by the maturity of your comments. I think Dan will be well counselled having talked to you and the other more mature members who commented.
    Dan,
    Unfortunately when someone is in a hormonal haze, they are looking for an excuse to reject . So tough love is needed. Though you may be hurting on the inside you have to show a strong face to her that you will survive. Do not go off but do not put up with things you dont believe in. She has to make up her mind and no matter what it is you are loveable and capable and you will get through this.

    Naughty
     
  9. dfox7.3x5

    dfox7.3x5 New Member

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  10. blackwood

    blackwood New Member

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    Dan,

    Only to offer my support, There has been a great deal of very good advice given by our folks, and I wanted to let you know that I am here for support as well.

    blackwood
     
  11. dfox7.3x5

    dfox7.3x5 New Member

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    Dan, you've gotten some very good advice here. I just wanted to second what they have said and to wish you all the best. Why doesn't someone invent an online hug?!?!?
     
  12. D_Barbi_Queue

    D_Barbi_Queue Account Disabled

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    :grouphug: <---- There&#39;s your online hug.

    Everyone has given great advice already. I whole-heartedly agree on the counseling thing. Give her more attention....usually (IMO) it&#39;s the romance that women seek another relationship for.

    Also, if you say you are going to forgive her and trust her, then do it. I had a "friend" that cheated on her hubby and he said that he forgave her but treated her like crap for it. They divorced shortly thereafter.
     
  13. jonb

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    1) She didn&#39;t have sex with him. This is salvageable.
    2) Take the high road. Don&#39;t get overprotective. Don&#39;t rant, and don&#39;t take your anger out on her. I recommend a punching bag.
    3) See a counselor. Do things together. Take a vacation. Take up tennis or another sport for couples. See some movies. Go to a concert, or to the theater. Maybe visit the museum. The bottom line is, if she&#39;s seeing another man for emotional support, you&#39;ve been too distant.
    4) &#036;cientology? Actually, I think my commenting on that would lead to more legal troubles for Mark than Skai posting nekkid pics.
     
  14. B_werfghj

    B_werfghj New Member

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    thanks for the support everyone.
    I gotta tell ya though, I am fighting with every part of my being, going to his work, and just... well who really knows..
     
  15. B_hungrick

    B_hungrick New Member

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    Hey Dan,

    Obviously I agree with everything that&#39;s been said here to advise you. But I also feel that you need people who live where you live to talk this out with. So many times women have a huge support system, and the guys don&#39;t really have the same system. I know I&#39;ve been fortunate enough to have close friends who love me & support me. I don&#39;t think it&#39;s something you can do all alone. Just my opinion. Try to get more input from others.

    I&#39;m hoping that you&#39;ll be ok in all this. So I&#39;m wishing the best for you.

    Rick
     
  16. Knight

    Knight New Member

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    Well since I have nothing more to add...I was writing a reply to this last night I dunno what happened though lol must have got sidetracked.

    I just wanted to know what the &#39;seeing this other guy&#39; is. Coffee together? Or dinner dates?

    Anyway you just need to talk to your wife, ask her what she wants to do, you tell her what you want to do. Try and agree on counselling or at least agree on something, for the sake of yourselves and your beautiful daughter. Then go ahead. Don&#39;t ask her &#39;why&#39; though cos that can get real complicated, best to let a trained professional to help with that lol.

    Spend more time with your wife now if you can and things should get better just from that as you realise how much you really love and need each other.

    Also if she says she hasn&#39;t slept with him then well she hasn&#39;t...don&#39;t think she has because that will seriously mess your head up, you have to trust her. Good luck and sorry I can only reurgitate what I read lol...my drip isnt in right :p

    *calls a hot nurse*
     
  17. Lex

    Lex
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    Dan--it will not be easy and it will not happen overnight, but if youand your wife are
    able to work through this, you will find something deeper on the other side of your relationship.

    Take a gander at C. Lewis&#39; The Four Loves. He talks about long term relationships going through staged and phases. At the end of each a crisis usualy occurs--those who work through them find themselves in a deeper, more meaningful place.

    I have been there with my wife. I know this to be true. So many people hit the rough points and walk away. I dare say that even if she had sex, your marriage could still be saved if you both put forth the energy to do so.


    Here is a summation (Googled):

    1. AFFECTION:

    "It teaches us first to notice, then to endure, then to smile at, then to enjoy and finally to appreciate the people who just &#39;happen to be there&#39;. This range of people is odder than you would have believed and worth more than you would have guessed."
    Of all the loves Affection is the easiest to give as it requires only the continued presence of the person or object over time. We can have Affection for those with whom, over the years, we still do not agree and is broadest in scope as it attaches itself as a bond between the young, old, fair, homely, rich, poor, intelligent and simple. When Affection is in balance it seeks the independence of the person for whom the affection is. It does not seek reliance, but rather "space", or room, for differences to reside and cooperate in a cohesive, peaceful, cooperative manner. When Affection is out of balance it seeks to promote and enslave the recipients need for being given that which they may not need. (favors, attention, supervision, nosiness, smothering, etc.) This may be defined as "selfish giving" since the unbalanced giver of affection is not really concerned with providing a person&#39;s need towards independence, but rather to maintain themselves in a position of "giver" over the "recipient". Seeks to subordinate others by guilt or intimidation so as to maintain a provider position. The need to be needed has thus gone out of balance.

    Affection is kept in balance when there is Reasoning, Justice & Decency. Reasoning... to know when you are effecting good or bad towards others. Justice... to give and receive somewhat equally. Decency... to practice affection with patience, self-denial, humility, and dependence on another, higher lover. (Agape love.) Affection (and/or Friendship, Eros love) will go bad on us if we apply them alone without the application of that Godly love which provides the base and fills the holes that the more natural loves fall short in.

    2. FRIENDSHIP:

    Differences between Friends and Lovers;
    -Lovers... often speak of their love for each other to one another. Friends... rarely speak of the friendship to one another, instead tend to accept it as a "given" and operate in it when together.
    -Lovers... often speak both physically and in mental perception face-to-face, absorbed in each other. Friends... side-by-side, absorbed in some common interest, goal or philosophy.
    -Eros love is (healthily) between two, and only two. Friendship can increase in its enjoyment by the addition of two, three or more so long as the interest, goal or philosophy is somewhat the same as a common bond.

    Friendship is born from "companionship", the discovery of common interest between acquaintances. Companionship/acquaintances are not necessarily Friendships. Lovers seek for privacy. Friends pull from the herd in becoming friends but would appreciate a 3rd, 4th or 5th party on the same terms. Unity among friends is inward, unity among companions/acquaintances is outward.

    Two friends unite in a goal forward. One who wants a friend and only a friend, without a common goal for growth, will be frustrated. Friendship is about something specific. Friendship between two of the opposite sex will often lead to Eros love, unless there is no attraction or Eros love is already promised by one or both elsewhere. (marriage, engagement or courtship already in progress) Friendship does not demand services, but will accept or perform them on an accidental or as-needed basis with a desire to return to the subject of unity that drew them together. "Don&#39;t mention it.", is heard among friends because we&#39;d just as soon not have needing or giving a part of the friendship.

    Friendship makes use of information only as it is needed, casually. Friendship does not have prerequisites of attraction, class, marital status, age, etc. Like sovereign princes gathered together, it is mutually respectful and courteous. Where Eros love has bodily nakedness/openness, Friendship bares open naked personalities. You know your lover by looking into their eyes and heart. You know your friends by reading, arguing, praying, playing, speaking, etc. with them. Friendship humbles us in that we are so fortunate to have it. It tends to make good men better and bad men worse. (mutual focus and growth on the common element.) Pride and exclusiveness of others to the extreme are the greatest danger to any healthy friendship.

    3. Eros Love:

    Eros love includes sexuality, but sexuality is NOT, in itself, Eros love.

    Sexual desire, without Eros love, wants only sex. Eros wants, during sex, the intimacy of the beloved. A lustful man does not "want a woman"; a woman is merely to him a necessary apparatus to fulfill his desires. It is his own fulfillment, selfishness, that he seeks... not a woman. Eros makes a man want, not a woman, but one particular woman. Sex that is too flippant and comical can set up a couple for resentments and self-pities. Sex that is too serious is deprived of the romp and fun that is essential to a healthy enjoyment of sex. Eros love moves between serious episodes of romance and lighthearted escapades of play. It is not all one or the other, but both. As Christ loves the Church... men are to love their wives. To give their lives. The bride has all the beauty which the bridegroom sees in her. He does not find, but makes her lovely.
    Eros love is a shadow of, or even a hands-on preparatory exercise in, Agape love. But it is not and cannot deliver of itself the selfless type of love found in Agape, Godly love. It is God&#39;s Spirit living and working within us which makes Agape love possible in our lives. Those who expect Eros love to do the work of Agape love will, upon unfulfilled expectation, throw the blame to their partners when consequences become evident. By humility, charity and grace we turn our hearts to God as our source and support to be able to give our partner Agape love along with Eros love.

    4. CHARITY; AGAPE/GODLY LOVE:

    Affection, Friendship and Eros find their fullness of glory only when submitted to Charity. "This does not make them bad, for being less. A garden is a good thing but will only be different from a wilderness if it is pruned, mowed and weeded. Even so, these loves need the care of Charity love in order to be kept in their proper perspective, produce good fruit and remain sweet.

    "As a man and a garden will not survive without rain and sunshine, even these loves can only grow well, if at all, in a man&#39;s heart when God&#39;s Charitable, selfless love is allowed to enter, bless, and work the garden&#39;s promise and the gardener&#39;s toil into a fruitful enterprise.
    "Love&#39;s proper place is to God himself. To love at all involves risk of heartache, but far better this than to lock up our hearts in a coffin where they grow cold and hard, irredeemable. We trust it is God&#39;s wisdom to prune, and not to destroy, that which He planted in our hearts and therefore we embrace the learning of His love."
    "If any man come after me and hate not his father and mother and wife and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple." To hate, in this sense, is to set ourselves against anything, any other love even, that would try to position itself higher than God&#39;s type of love or love for God. To obey God, rather than our nearest and dearest friends, family or lover may indeed be perceived by them as hateful. When two agree, as in man and wife, to place Charity above the other loves then they need not oppose each other&#39;s obedience to God&#39;s love. Divine love, Charity, desires what is best for the beloved. God loves us who are unlovable, not attractive to God in the least, it was He who first loved us.

    In Eros, to love man or woman more, or disproportionately, than God will require surrender before the true fullness of Eros can be realized. We need not throw away silver to make room for gold... we need merely to acknowledge the gold as far superior to the silver and hold it over anything else. In even the smallest daily acts (a game, a joke, a chat, a dinner..) we can exercise either the love that is in need or the love that gives. Same for Eros love. Give and it will be given to you. "To him that has more shall be given, to him that has not, even what little he has shall be taken from him."

    The first 3 loves are capable among men to some degree. Charity is purely of God. "The natural loves are called to become perfect Charity and also perfect natural loves. As God becomes man, not by conversion of the Godhead into flesh, but by taking of the Manhood into God, so here; Charity does not dwindle into merely natural love; but natural love is taken up into, made the tuned and obedient instrument of, Love Himself."
    -----

    Sorry for the length. IM me if you want to chat.
     
  18. B_werfghj

    B_werfghj New Member

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    Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice, I really do appreciate it all.
    so here is where we stand now.
    I have let go of all my anger, pain is lingering, but what do you want? its only been 4 days since I found out ;)
    I wish no revenge on the guy, hey.. I cant really blame him..
    and I have forgiven my wife.
    now she is having "issues" warming up to me...
    I go to kiss her, and she says, " im sorry, but I dont feel it"
    hmmmmmmm
    why do i feel like the asshole here?
    thats it, im going gay&#33;
    no, but really...
    any thoughts here?
    ladies? what does that mean? will she ever "feel" it again?
    le sigh..
    this is getting complicated, I want to work this out, and do our counseling, I want to see where that takes us, at the very least I hope it will give us a better understanding of eachother, and how we can get along together for the rest of our lives if we get divorced. ( we have a kid, so no matter what, we have to stay connected )
    - I want nothing more then my daughter to grow up in a loving family, and If I cannot provide that, I wish for her to have it somewhere.
    For years I drank and was abusive, not phsyically mind you, but verbally I was a terrible man, I can take responsability for my actions, and realize that even though I have been sober for a while now, the images and memories of the pain that I caused my wife will not soon fade, and only though constant improvment on my part do I have any chance of keeping this family together.
    .... I just hope it isn&#39;t to late for that...
    I had a thought last nite, I realized I never really knew HOW to love someone, or what love really was...
    until now...
    Love is like a bird, if you keep it in a cage, it can be beautiful to look at..
    however to see a bird free and soaring, that is the only way you can really appricate it.
    for years I was wrapped up with being the "macho guy" you know, your typical asshole, fucktard.... I was a real prick, now after eating my share of humble pie...
    I realize that isn&#39;t who I am, and who I am is a very sweet, modest, and insecure person.
    thank you all for listening.
    thank you all for caring.
    Dan
     
  19. Lex

    Lex
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    Dan--
    It takes a big person to admit that he/she may have behaved themselves into a bad place. Being abusive undermines trust and security and the scars from losing those runs deep and takes a long time to heal. The hardest parts of ANY therapy are facing and accepting that part that you play in your own problems by both causing and/or continuing them.

    Your intimacy as a couple may take a while to return. It&#39;s best that you work out what you feel for each other and the realtionship without the complications of sex.

    I remember when my wife and I were rebuilding after a rocky 8 months--its was a LONG time before she was really ready (emotionally) to have sex again--it sucked but it was worth the wait I think.

    I&#39;m no counselor, but I hope that my words/thoughts help in some small way. Take care man.
     
  20. madame_zora

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    Dan,

    I have great respect for someone who can look at a situation where they&#39;ve been wronged and see the part they themselves played in it. You are a rare person for that alone. Since you brought up alcohol and abusiveness, I&#39;ll mention a few things that may sound familiar, "Wife or no wife, job or no job..." Whether or not your family stays together, you&#39;ve obviously made tremendous strides as a person to have gotten away from active participation in your disease, and now are looking toward recovery. Being able to admit to yourself who you are is very healthy, now don&#39;t flog yourself with it, okay?

    Not knowing your wife at all, I couldn&#39;t even guess if she&#39;ll come around or not. If it is what you want, I will be hopeful for you that it happens. Mostly, I hope you come to find a place of tranquility for yourself either way it goes. You&#39;ve mentioned your daughter, so maybe this would be a good time to hang out with her more while your wife is sorting things out. No doubt she feels tension in the air and could use the reassurance anyway.

    I couldn&#39;t add a word to what Lex said about the relationship, it was exactly what I wish I could have said, only more eloquent. I wish you and your family well, Dan. Jana
     
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