Please help - difficulty in coming out

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by horny345, Sep 25, 2009.

  1. horny345

    horny345 New Member

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    I know this subject has been covered before, but not my specific situation.
    I'm 26, gay and I still live with my parents, because moving out has been more difficult than expected.
    How do I come out to them if we live together and if I know there will be extreme awkwardness and even hostility at me coming out?
    What's even worse is that my mom, dad and me never talk about or reference sex or relationships in any way.
    I think my mom has one friend, that I think may be gay, that she says is funny, that she drinks with every now and then, though she definately won't expect me to be gay, but my dad and brother have said gay people disgust them.
    How do I deal with this and also eventually start talking about gay sex and even bringing boyfriends home in the future with this difficult situation?

    Does anyone know how to handle this?
     
  2. VeeP

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    You're probably not going to like what I have to say, but don't go there until you do have the wherewithal to be independent. It's nice to think that everyone can/should be immediately accepting, but when the chips fall you need to be prepared to go it alone. Hopefully not indefinitely, however given your description it sure sounds like a "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" scenario to me.
     
  3. sexplease

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    First: know that there is and always will be a greater family of friends, who will become your extended family, to love you and care for you unconditionally....
    and not the you your [emotionally crippled, judgmental] father and brother think you are.
    They, and others, may not understand, or like gays, but the best thing you can do for yourself AND for others, family or not, is be true.
    We all win and are better as a human race when each individual contributes their uniqueness. Think about it: no one does "you" better than you.
    Find some local support group or counselor or mentor, straight or gay, and take a few steps into your future.
    At times, your coming-out (or finding the courage to express yourself) may be rough emotionally, but don't forget: your parents have feelings too. Be kind to them, they did after all, get you to this point of taking your steps into adulthood.
    And Second: as I often recommend: Read.
    That is the one thing that ALL successful people have in common. Success is what it means to you. success at friendships, at a career or school, at a sport or hobby you love, or becoming you comfortably.
    You will find many of the answers you seek by reading and searching inside yourself.
    Please let us know about your progress, your challenges and solutions that work for you.

    Think Love and Wear a Smile - it always works for me.
    M*
     
    #3 sexplease, Sep 25, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2009
  4. Lex

    Lex
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    The first step is really just coming out and explaining to your parents that being gay is not about sex. It is about the direction in which your love points.

    Here are some resources:
    http://www.outproud.org/brochure_coming_out.html

    ComingOutStories.com
    -- read the stories of others for encouragement, insight and support.

    Psych Page on Coming Out

    Wikipedia Article on Coming Out


    My coming out thread: http://www.lpsg.org/28570-again-coming-out.html

    Good luck and know that many, many, people have been through this.
     
  5. jerryhall

    jerryhall New Member

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    The previous respondents have put a lot of great thought and energy into their answers! Good job. I would just like to add that at 26, it's time you left home. It's not easy to become independent and it's not easy to come out. It's FAR MORE DIFFICULT to come out if you're not independent. Good luck, there is no easy answer to this...
     
  6. B_Dodgypj

    B_Dodgypj New Member

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    I didn't really come out until I was 20, and that was at college. My family didn't know until I was in law school and had met someone who I am with to this day (15 years). Lots of homophobia in my upbringing too.

    My opinion, for what its worth.

    1. You need to move out. Yeah, I know that's easier to say than to do, but it's not impossible. This is important for more reasons than just coming out. There are facets to your personality, behavior and style that you simply haven't experienced yet because you haven't had to. Trust me when I say that big things happen in small, cheap studio apartments. When you come out, you are going to need the mental fortification to know that you can make it on your own. You are also going to need to believe that you're worthy of being your own first consideration. You are not living your life for others, and if you are, then there's no point in coming out at all .

    2. Definitely, definitely try to make your family understand that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Go the whole 9 yards and make every effort to connect them with pflag, etc. That said, if despite your best efforts they refuse to see the truth in this, or shun you, be prepared to let them live with their own ignorance and try not to let it bog you down. Often family will use the emotional weight of displeasure to get others to behave as they wish. Please don't fall prey to that. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. Most of my family is great about me being gay and accept my partner and my life. One in particular does not. I am civil to her when I see her, but don't go out of my way to do so. Anything more than that, and I would be misleading her into thinking I place any value on her opinion. I know I am a good person, and strong enough to stand on my own and nobody can take that from me.

    3. You are going to be 100% surprised by how some people react after you come out. Sometimes people who you thought would be the worst are the best, and sometimes people you thought you could count on are the worst. I won't lie, all of your relationships will change once you come out. But you have a choice when that happens - you can embrace those who embrace you and ignore those who don't, or you can let yourself be bogged down and angst ridden about opinions over which you have no control. There's an old sailing saw: "you can't control the wind, you can only trim your sails."

    So, I say, start trimming your sails today. Don't wait. The perfect time to start will NEVER come. The perfect time is ten years ago. The next best time is RIGHT NOW. Take a small step each day. Start today by developing your action plan on moving out, and tomorrow take the first step in that action plan. Soon you will find that you have made a lot of progress and are in a position to make this change in the way you are living (the only life you have....).

    Being gay has turned out to be a powerful gift nature has given me. I've developed an insight I probably wouldn't have otherwise had; I've developed deep friendships with 'family' I could select for myself; and I was forced to recognize both the innate strength that lies in each one of us, and the way that can be magnified by our environment.

    OK, I'm done preaching. Great luck!
     
  7. CUBE

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    Perfect, I agree. You need to be independant. We are with you bud
     
  8. B_eleveinchbreeder

    B_eleveinchbreeder New Member

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    first off, move out..get a part time job at MC Donald's if u have to just to pay rent.
    at 26...is a bit past the point. this will make u stronger, and definitely independent from them.
    secondly, why is there a need to tell them something they already know?
    did ur brother tell u he was str8? i doubt it...its his fuckin business who he wants to fuck, and how he wants to fuck...same should go for you...
    third, get to some support group that covers this topic...dont stay long with that group..it becomes a crutch..
    when u get to the point ur on ur own, move to ur own place and fuck all u want to and there is no need to tell anyone in your family YOUR NEWS...
    btw..your mom knows, your dad suspects and your brother really doesn't care ur sucking cock or fuckin some guy in the ass...to validate their suspicions, would be wrong...its ur life, not theirs and as long as ur under their roof...ur gonna be limited as to ur freedom...
    if u haven't finished a degree...u won't need the MC Donald's gig thing...get ur ass in undergrad schoo..if ur done with under grad school, a grad program is where u need to be...either way, ur going to be in an environment that is more conducive to your own freedom and lifestyle, choices for u made by you..sort of simple, not easy but simple..
    best of luck to you
    robbie
     
  9. Countryguy63

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    First, I want to say that I'm sorry you are struggling with this. No one but you knows your personal situation, so all of our advice needs to be seriously considered, and then applied appropriately to benefit you. Not ALL solutions work best for everyone.

    I agree that you need to make changes that will allow you to move out of your parents home. Especially if you feel that there may be hostility as a result of coming out. A small one room flat, roomates with someone, rent a room from someone, are all possible outlets.

    And you need to do this soon. Hiding and holding in your true identity will eat at you more and more. It doesn't allow you to completely live your life.


    Good Luck and please keep us informed on any progress.
     
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