Originally posted by hung_big@Mar 16 2005, 12:25 AM
I agree Jana...
I have some SERIOUS issues, especially at the age of 15. But I do lie, I can't say that I never have. There is something as a white lie, for the better good. I don't tell everyone I cut and burn and whatnot, when they ask. They ostrosize me enough, so I give them excuses; fake and false one's at that, but I think that is understandable. I could tell them, but there would be a long line of people trying to help, that really wouldn't and I'd have to justify everything that I have to do. I am already sick of explaining everything to the people I HAVE or CHOSE to tell...and that's only a select few.
But I don't lie just for the sake of it. I'm myself, and that's it.
[post=291246]Quoted post[/post]
Chris, sweetheart, you have to know how hard it is for anyone who cares about you to do or feel nothing about you cutting, burning, and whatnot. If you are telling lies and giving fake and false excuses, you are wrong in assuming that it's just to shut people up. All lies are bad, even "little white ones" becuase they hurt the teller. I feel clearly that you are not happy about this part of your life and you don't want to be forced into a place where you will have to examine it. No one can blame you there, but common sense does dictate certain eventualities. Like alcoholism, these behaviors are progressive- it is highly unlikely that it will not increase (as you may well know by now). I don't know if you are seeing anyone professionally about this, but it may not hurt. What it comes down to is that you are doing these things because of some root reasons that you may or may not be conciously aware of, but until the core issues are addressed and dealt with, the outlook for you is not good.
Self-knowledge is not enough, if it were everyone with sufficient intelligence to know they had a problem of any kind would instantly be cured. Such is certainly not the case! Realising that there is a problem is but the first leg of the journey, you also have to let your mind accept the possibility of change, THEN actually try to do some things differently and experiment until you find a system that works. Identifying your triggers is a huge step in wellness, if that is in fact your goal. I don't want to put words in your mouth, I respect you too much for that.
Okay, say one of your triggers is loneliness. You find yourself in a situation where you're alone in the house, you're getting ready to meet someone you're anticipating seeing very much, and they back out at the last mintue. No one is there to talk to so you begin your usual ritual of self mutilation. Instead of doing that, you could choose to put on your coat and walk around the outside of your house ten times, then go back inside and do 20 sit-ups or push-ups. See, it really doesn't matter what you do, just that you forcefully interrupt the pattern at the right time. Oh yeah- don't drive when you're feeling self-abusive! If what you try doesn't alleviate the feeling, try something else. Eventually your concious mind will be forced to overtake your subconcious, which is currently in control, simply by the exercise of doing mundane things. Don't try to get creative- don't write or paint (unless it's housepainting), just force yourself to do some mindless busywork and don't allow your sad-o subconcious to wallow in it's self hatred and self-centered fear.
Many experts say that self mutilation in an attempt to move our pain from the emotional to the physical realm, where we can control it. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on tv, but this makes sense to me. I say, cheat on it! Instead of letting your emotional pain be the central force governing your life, give it the finger! Tell it to fuck off, you don't need it anymore. Then get even by going on about your daily business as if it weren't there. Hey, even if you get a short amount of time away from it, wouldn't that be nice? Maybe, just maybe, if you get ten minutes the first time, you might get fifteen the next time until you find you've created a new habit, also of your own controlling.
Yeah, I know, I'm a big-mouthed bitch, and I just gave advice where it wasn't asked for. If this was the wrong thing to do, I apologise- just know that it was given in love, from a person who has learned a bit about overcomming obstacles. It's done wonders for me personally, and I too am a control freak (I know, and I hide it so well!
.
As a liner note, I refuse to get emotionally involved on any level with someone who is in the process of suicide. No one can force anyone to want to live, no one can take responsibility for the well being of another. Many who are suicidal will try to put this on some unsuspecting soul (ie., if you were there for me, I wouldn't try to kill myself), but never me. We are all responsible for our own choices, whether we accept responsibility or not is our own issue and no one else's. If someone is interested in helping themselves, I'll be their friend, but not their backbone. If someone is not interested in helping themselves, I'd prefer not to hear about their daily activities. I have no desire to be a "dumpee" of someone else's unchecked illness.
Chris, you are a brilliant writer for one so young. I am sure that your level of intelligence separates you from your peers, my daughter experienced many of the same things, so that's one thing I can point to without even knowing you very well. I hope you know you can pm me anytime if you'd like to talk further, and I will respect your wishes as to whether you want any further advice, as long as you respect my boundaries as well. I honestly wish you the best in this, I can sure feel sympathetic to your situation even though the exact nature of our issues are different, many of the results were the same. Godspeed, my friend. Jana