Please Help Me What Is My Sexual Identity??

[Gezza and his willy]

I am a guy in my 40s now but i have always been confused sexually and not known my identity
it started when i was 21 i lost my virginity but i never came it was all a bit of a joke really lasted about 4 months
when i was about 31 i started seeing another woman but again intercourse was too big a hurdle for me i couldnt come - i get to my late thirties i think i might be gay i have my mother putting pressure on me because i have not met a woman all these celebrity gays come out in public and im scared i could be like them
George Michael Cliff Richard Big Brother Elton John Dale Winton Matt Lucas Stephen Gately Will Young etc
they do nothing for my confidence I dont have any i wish i could start again in life but i cant-i have never been with a man but it might help me release the tension and nervousness in my brain who and what am i?? I look at some guys and think they look ok but i do that with women also

 

[jumbo747jet]

What turns you on sexually ? What do you prefer looking at or thinking about when you're jerking off ? I think those are more important questions. Is it women, men or maybe both ?
If you ejaculate when you're jerking off, it's not a physical problem but could be more of a performance anxiety issue you've experienced.
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, you just need to follow your heart.

 

[winesthel945]

Sex advice columnist Dan Savage answers versions of this question all the time and provides a similar construction to how @jumbo747jet frames his response.

Savage often talks about how people's sexuality comes in three components:

1. What do you think of yourself as?
2. What do you tell others that you are?
3. What do you masturbate to?

The more closely aligned the answer to those three things, the less likely you are to have an identity crisis and the less likely you are to be chronically unhappy vis-a-vis your sexual situation.

If you can masturbate to completion, then as noted above, the issue is probably more about performance anxiety. Though it could also be that you have masturbation habits that diverge from one-on-one sexual experiences such that your dick won't get the stimulation it's used to getting when having a penis-in-ass or penis-in-vagina (or even penis-in-mouth) experience. If you suffer from "Death Grip Syndrome" (Google it...) then you need to retrain your dick to be sensitive enough to enjoy anything less than being strangled. If that might be part of the problem, you should look into fixing that. Or, when having sex you can just not worry about having some kind of pornstar-like "no-hands" orgasm and jerk yourself to completion.

At core, it doesn't matter what label you put on yourself. Sexuality and sexual interests change over time, and it sounds like you have a lot of unfulfilled curiosity that you won't ever be able to incorporate into your self-identity until you actually address those desires.

At this point, you would probably do best to see a sex-positive therapist who could help you talk through your past experiences, your desires, the pressure you're putting on yourself and the pressure from your mother and the rest of society. You could also talk about any performance issues, Death Grips, etc.

Good luck!

 

[Brodie888]

You could also be assexual. Meaning you don't have much sexual attraction to men or women. Which is perfectly normal if you are that way inclined.

When I was younger, I had sex with women and it was very mechanical. About as pleasurable as assembling Ikea.

It has always confused me why men feel like they can't try gay sex. It's like they don't want to do it the first time because there's no turning back.

The other one is that if they have gay sex, it will turn them gay. It's just ridiculous.

So my advice is that if you're not sure, find a guy who's willing to spend the time talking you through as well as answer any of your questions after.

You sound like you may have some shame/guilt conditioning from your family around gay sex. So ignore those feelings especially after you cum. Just pay attention to how you feel while you are having sex.

I would suggest sticking to kissing, hand jobs and blow jobs to begin with. Then consider other things later.

 

[cnkckfil]

I know you got some great advice from the buds above. I know of some people whom where sexual confused as well and this is what they did. They simply jerked off with their eyes closed, if they imagined a man / woman or both that provided the answer. Also I would say looks at gay/lesbian/ straight/bi porn. What gets you hard is your answer. Ultimately you shouldn't feel such pressure to label yourself. So what if you are gay/bi/asexual or just exploring your sexuality to find the answer. As long as you are happy with yourself that's really what matters.

Hugs, tugs and rubs

 

[I shot the deputy]

I am a guy in my 40s now but i have always been confused sexually and not known my identity
it started when i was 21 i lost my virginity but i never came it was all a bit of a joke really lasted about 4 months
when i was about 31 i started seeing another woman but again intercourse was too big a hurdle for me i couldnt come - i get to my late thirties i think i might be gay i have my mother putting pressure on me because i have not met a woman all these celebrity gays come out in public and im scared i could be like them
George Michael Cliff Richard Big Brother Elton John Dale Winton Matt Lucas Stephen Gately Will Young etc
they do nothing for my confidence I dont have any i wish i could start again in life but i cant-i have never been with a man but it might help me release the tension and nervousness in my brain who and what am i?? I look at some guys and think they look ok but i do that with women also

First of all, ignore your mother (it’s surprisingly easy) secondly when your walking around somewhere make a mental note of people who catch your eye are they make female, do you watch a film and subconsciously think he’s hot or to that effect. theres no harm in trying a dating site set your preference to bi or gay. The only advice I could give you is that when it does click and you do work it out then the right person comes along you will get a fuck it moment don’t fight it just let it happen. Best of luck