Please Help relationship woes!

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by asta4125, Mar 5, 2008.

  1. asta4125

    asta4125 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2007
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    arround
    Well, I dont know if some of you remember, but a about a month or so ago, I posted a thread about my girlfriend getting weirded out about me getting hard and humping the bed a little in my sleep. Well all hell broke loose this morning. This morning, we have great morning sex, it was awsome. Then afterwards, we are laying on the bed, and she asks me about my dreams last night. I said I kinda had a nightmare, about being lost in the woods. Then she says, that I woke her up laughing, and rubing my dick in my sleep. She said I let a giggle out, and say yea yea yea..ect in my sleep, all while rubing my hard dick.
    Now this has been discussed before. So I look at her as I was getting dressed, and said I dunno, I dont remeber doing any of that, and kinda walked about to go to the bathroom. Well evidently this was a important topic of convo, for her because I was late for work and she wanted to continue to talk about it. I couldnt and had to leave. I knew something was up when I went to give her a kiss goodbye, and she gave me her cheek. I call her in the car, and she is livid, that i walked away from her in the middle of her talking about. I told her, that there isnt anything to discuss, I dont remember doing it, I wasnt dreaming about anyone else whats there to talk about. Well she made a big fit about this, saying that she cant talk to me, and that its not weird to her, and that if it was she wouldnt have had sex with me.
    You know, I think Im at my end here. As sad as is it is, and as much as I love her, I just cant do this anymore. Everything is such a big deal to her, she flips out, gets mad, and starts crying over everything. She has high stress in her life, and very high anxiety. If I even look at her the wrong way she flips. Last night she left her waltet, in a shopping cart at the store. Realized she left her wallet there on the way home. Went back, to find the shopping cart in the same place, but no wallet. Cancled all her credit cards, only problem was her social security card was in there. So she had the call the social security office, to put a freeze on her ssn. Then the lady tells her to call the credit bureaus so they can put a fraud allert on her credit report so no can try to steal her id. Well this is at like 9pm, and of course the number for experian is all automated, and asks you like a 100 different things. She gets frusturated and hangs up. Now I am just leaving work, and she is telling me this, long story, it took about 20 min. She is then at the part when is is getting mad on the phone with the credit bureau, and she says the reason why she doesnt have her wallet is because of the area we live in, and its bullshit that someone didnt turn it in because she didnt have any money in there. Now I have listened very closley and quite the whole time. Then I say well you cant get mad at the people at the grocery store, or the poeole at experian because it isnt their fault, yea it sucks that no one turned it in but its not there fault. Well she got soo mad at me told me to fuck off, kiss her ass..ect.
    See thats the thing with her, I think there is something mental wrong with her. she often flips out over nothing, takes everything so personal, doesnt trust anyone, has an anger problem, often says degrading things to me. She even gets cranky when she is hungry. But yet on the other hand when she is level headed, its wonderfull, amazing I couldnt ask for more. I dont know what to do here, I cant take these constant battles and insults. She insults me flips out calls me all the names in the book, then she begins to cry and get upset break up with me, then shes like "How do you stay with me, you dont deserve this, you should run away" I am at at a loss for words, and for the first time in my life, I actually feel as if there is not light at the end of the tunnel, and I am horribly depressed. Someone Please help, anything would help.
     
  2. Mattness

    Mattness New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2004
    Messages:
    1,009
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Kirkland, WA (Outside of Seattle, Washington)
    Dude, you have a serious problem. It's very apparent that she has serious mental issues.

    As a chronic depressive I can see the signs; paranoia, anger, inability to deal with life, etc. Being threatened by you humping the pillow in your sleep is pretty fucked up!

    If you DO love her, the most caring thing you could do would be to help her get into some sort of therapy or at the very least into a Doctor's office to get on some medication. A simple pill can eliminate a lot of these symptoms. Her Doctor can also recommend a Medical Doctor who specializes in Mental Issues if he or she can't assist on a more detailed level, but most can put her on an anti-depressant quickly.

    Running away would be a sign that maybe you don't love her...a true test.

    Good luck!
     
  3. asta4125

    asta4125 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2007
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    arround
    See thats the thing, we have been dealing with these issues for a long time now. I finnally last week convinced her to go see a doctor. Well he perscribed her some medicane to calm her down whe she is freaking. Its like vallium, buts its not. He said he wanted her to take it when she is feeling like she is going to freak, and it should calm her down. Well she hasnt started taking it, but that isnt going to solve the problem of...Everything effects her. I mean everything, if we are watching t.v and I get up too many times, she tells me i ruinded the night. I mean I have to tip toe arround her. this pill seems like a way to cover up her anger, and it wont help her with the deep issues.
    Its hard to help someone, when the person you are trying to help is fighting you sooo much. Its hard to help someone when they degrade everything about your life, and beat the shit outa you. I told her if I hit her the way she has hit me, I would have been in Jail along long time ago. Feel like my life is comming to an end, we have been through soo much together, it would be a tragity if we were to seperate.
     
  4. invisibleman

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2005
    Messages:
    9,976
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Well, it seems that she is stressed out. You probably do need to break up with her. (Or, if you feel that she is going through a spell--you can just separate from her for a couple of weeks.) It isn't love when you argue, curse, demean and criticise. You can fall in love with the wrong person.

    You need to see a sleep therapist for your sleep sex problem. Yeah, there is such a thing as sleep sex. (Sleepfucking. It happens to people who have a tendency to sleepwalk--Based on the research I have done on the subject.) You probably need to be observed and studied by sleep therapists to determine the degree of your sleep sex intervals. Or maybe your girlfriend is causing your sleep sex problems.
     
  5. SandraSmithCarver

    SandraSmithCarver New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2007
    Messages:
    527
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    St Louis Mo

    Unfortunatly, this is the problem when people are depressed, a lot of them, won't take the medicaine, won't get help, i went through it with my ex husband.
    you have to draw a line in the sand, tell her, she HAS to take it, did you talk to her and ask hey why shes not taking it?
    also, try and find her a counslor, (internet search, asking your own doctor, you mom's doctor, or a friends doctor, someone, if you dont have your own) and go with her, take her, drive her, what ever. Tell her you love her, but you can't help her get better, it just takes more than Love. Tell her you love her and want her to get better, that you will be by her side while she gets help, the first thing is medication though.
     
  6. asta4125

    asta4125 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2007
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    arround
    Yes, I sleep walk, I find my slef sometimes in the middle of the night infront of the fridge looking for food. Or I find my self downstairs in the kitchen getting a drink, and I wake up. I dont see what the big deal is. Im not moaning in my sleep, and saying someone elses name. I dont fantisize about anyone other than her. So by me laughing in my sleep, and rubbing my dick, whats the big deal, how is hurting anyone. I dont get it.
     
  7. asta4125

    asta4125 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2007
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    arround
    This has been going on for a long time. She openly admited that she had issues long before I came arround. I have been by her side, done everything in my power to help. I tell her I love her more then love its self, and that I would do anything for her. But she has to make a move on her own. I thought she did, when she went to the doc, but he just gave her something to relax. I dont see this a perminant solution to the problem. So her whole life, when ever she gets mad and freaks she has to take a valium to calm her self down and make her all dull. I dont like that idea. The doctor wants to see her in two weeks. But she hasnt taken it. You know you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. I feel like i am going to have a nervous break down. I am sitting here at my office, staring at the computer screen, not able to do anything. I am devistated, this is killing me. No matter how much I tell her, I love her she just wont let her guard down. Here is a list of her personalit traits that she portrays often.
    1. High anxiety
    2. Easly set off
    3. Anger problems
    4. Lack of trust
    5. Self focused.
    6. Says degrading things to me
    7. Ends the relationship when we get in arugments
    8. The week before period is HELL week she turns into a different person
    9. Everything bothers her and she is personally effected by everything
    10. I am not alowed to get mad or angry becuase she does enough for the both of us.
     
  8. invisibleman

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2005
    Messages:
    9,976
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina

    Your sleep sex isn't a big deal to me. I think that I would videotape it if I had a boyfriend that did it. I think that that would be cool. I think.:rolleyes: (Depending on if I am not in a beyotchity mood.:tongue: Grrrr.)

    She is the one with the problem. She is the one stressed out by it. She is the one who dogs you out by your own admission. If you like getting dogged out by her then don't leave her. But I think that she isn't going to change.

    I think that this would be a cool porn genre. Sleepfucking. Hehehe.
     
  9. Phil Ayesho

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    5,590
    Likes Received:
    876
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Diego
    Sorry to say this, but the mental health profession has a pretty bad batting average.


    Studies show that folks who do not get treatment for depression have the exact same recovery rate as those that do... that folks who do 12 step programs for drugs or drink have the exact same long term sobriety rate as those who do nothing..( 5%-- only 5%)

    Talk therapy, while massaging to the ego, does nothing to avert neuroses.


    Some people are wired in a way that is so difficult to live with , that they will end up alone, no matter what they do.


    Sit her down... tell her this is not your problem, its her problem, and that you are unwilling to live with it.
    Tell her she can get herself some help, and do the therapy and take a proactive stance on her issues.... and she has X amount of time to demonstrate to you that she loves you enough to actually do it.



    But as for her behavoir--- habits that took years to wear a groove in your brain will take years of conscious avoidance to wear a different groove.

    She must show you a strong effort, and keep it up, or there is little hope.


    But be prepared--- demanding change in your partner, even positive change, often builds resentment in them that can poison a relationship over time.

    As a final thought...
    Meditation shows far more efficacy at calming states of mind than does drug therapy.
    Moreover, meditation's effects are longer lasting, and result in overall changes in mood that can become your default state of mind.

    She would have to be intelligent enough to face true self examination, to understand eastern philosophic traditions... and diligent enough to practice consistently...

    But I have seen the more profound changes in anxiety, fear and anger come out of sober meditation than any mind numbing drug regimen.
     
  10. D_Kaye Throttlebottom

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2008
    Messages:
    1,543
    Likes Received:
    0
    No offense, but from what you describe, her behavior is rather common among women. It's that stereotype, that she wants to vent, she doesn't want you to solve her problems. Also, isn't it easier if I go off on the grocery store, the credit bureau, the poor soul on the phone for the hassle, instead of admitting if I had not lost it in the first place.

    Dude, I'd rather someone take it out on some customer service person/stranger on the phone than someone I live with. I go for phone companies, they're pretty cool. ;)

    I mean how a women never forgets the thing you did 8 years ago on this day and blah blah blah happened is something that is fairly common. Ask any married man he'll tell you she can remember all that stuff.

    I think you're fine to tell her what YOUR limits are and what you can handle. You can or cannot handle listening to her talk about her problems at work or listen to her go off on someone else.

    If your humping the pillow is bothering her in the middle of the night - and she feels left out - you can something like, you can jump my bones and let me know when I'm doing it. Or however you want to handle it.

    If she's on meds...good luck with that, because it's another thing to monitor and it makes her a dependent on something, instead of having to deal with the reality that the consequences aren't as severe as she's imagined them to be.

    Though if she does the "you don't deserve this, you should run away stuff."

    Just call her out on that fatalistic shit she has conjured in her head.

    "Look, I'm glad you realize that it was inconsiderate to treat me that way and you regret it, but if your way of apologizing is to suggest I run away, so I can reinforce some stupid idea that I'm disloyal, it's not happening. If you want to apologize, I welcome it, I don't think you're a monster, but we all make mistakes and say inconsiderate things. I trust you didn't mean it. We apologize and move on."

    The more you can reinforce what you need to hear and what you don't want when it happens, she'll link it up.

    If you play in it's a bigger problem and you need meds, you're not reinforcing that not all is as grave as she's hyped it up to be. I think meds do more harm, but some people get relief from them.

    If she had a mother or a father that was an authoritarian (aside of her current job, etc.) that's more than likely where she learned severe consequences pattern of behavior and thus the fear of what this means stuff.

    just my 2 cents.
     
  11. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2004
    Messages:
    10,576
    Likes Received:
    25
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Warwick, NY, USA
    What concerns me the most is something that gets glossed-over when the roles are switched as they are here: she is physically abusive to you.

    Women are just as capable of hurting, maiming, or killing men as men are capable of doing the same to women. All it takes is an object turned into a weapon or a punch to the right area and I don't mean your testes.

    I advise you to do the same thing I would advise a woman: one of you has to leave. It's apparent that she has no limits to her anger and is using you as the receptacle of her anger. I agree, she's depressed and needs medical help, but this relationship cannot continue as it is now and for you to remain living together will not enforce your need for change in her behavior. You cannot enable her by continuing the pattern. It's not healthy for you or for her.

    I am not necessarily advocating you break-up. She has a medical problem that needs attention and perhaps, with counseling and other therapies, she will become the person she should be. If you can tolerate helping her through that, good for you. If you cannot, then you need to be fair to both of you and end it. Either way, you need separate spaces where you can feel safe and get your head together. A home life such as you described means both of you are in a horror house. No doubt her behavior is effecting your behavior as well.

    It's up to you to make the moves to change the situation. It's up to her to commit to treatment. If neither of you do what you need to then the situation will escalate and I fear for the safety of both of you. Should she try to harm you seriously and you defend yourself, it could result in serious harm to her for which you could be legally blamed. In many places the law automatically assumes that you attempted to hurt her. Given her mental state, she may not admit to what she did.

    Living separately also tells her you're not playing games. You're not just talking or shouting, saying things you don't mean, like she does. Obviously she thinks people routinely abuse each other like this and it's par for the course of the relationship so why should she listen to you? If you do not act, then you're just spouting off in the same way: with no conviction. It may also spur her to treatment so while it helps you, it helps her, even if it may be enormously difficult for you to do it.

    You're experiencing a pattern that's not uncommon in abusive relationships. She's incapable of breaking the pattern at this time so, again, it's up to you do what you can. That's limited to expressing your support for her therapies, living separately, limiting your contact, and sticking to your word by not playing her game. Like a parent who always threatens the kids but never does anything, she won't believe what you say until you prove your sincerity by following it with action. She's using her anger and behavior to control your relationship and you cannot allow that to happen to have a happy and healthy relationship.
     
  12. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
     
  13. D_Kaye Throttlebottom

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2008
    Messages:
    1,543
    Likes Received:
    0
     
  14. invisibleman

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2005
    Messages:
    9,976
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    SLEEPFUCKING IS COOL>>VIDEO TAPE IT>>PUT IT UP ON YOUPORN>>I THINK IT IS HOT>>I THINK THAT IF I WERE FAMOUS AND WANTED TO PUT OUT A SEX TAPE>>I WOULD WANT IT TO BE OF ME SLEEPFUCKING MATT DAMON>>AND WAKING UP WITH MY COCK STUCK IN THE BOURNE IDENTITY DVD COVER>>OOH, THE HILARITY!!!:biggrin1:
     
  15. D_Kaye Throttlebottom

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2008
    Messages:
    1,543
    Likes Received:
    0
    I agree, I think it more funny, than a problem, but I imagine if I were sleeping next to him...I wouldn't feel as threatened as much as whether I should wake him or not to get it on (sometimes you want to dream -- no offense to your bedmate).

    or pull out my camera and take pictures for his posterity ;)
     
  16. invisibleman

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2005
    Messages:
    9,976
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina

    Me too. I think that I would lose sleep time watching a hot guy hump the bed while he's asleep. Or seeing him masturbating and talking dirty. Some people are awake yet in a sleep state.

    I would like to watch that.

    Could this be a DMT/pineal gland experience? This sleepfucking thing?
     
  17. D_Kaye Throttlebottom

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2008
    Messages:
    1,543
    Likes Received:
    0
    Oh masturbation is a WHOLE different thing all together...Done that right next to him, w/out him knowing about it or letting him watch. That's different then doing it involuntarily in your sleep though...though we're straying off the topic again..:hijacked: INvisi - you should start another thread on sleep-fucking.

    I don't know about the pineal gland thing...I think it's only a problem if you're not having sex w/ your partner...

    Though if the author of the thread's girlfriend googled to find out the whole hoopla with sleep-fucking...it may portend to why she wants a conversation about it. Depending on what you bring it up ... some have weird things associated with it...like preferring to have it asleep than awake or someone else said the sleep sex was really agressive, etc.

    So maybe she googled something and found something really severe..
    What is sexsomnia? | The Register
     
  18. invisibleman

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2005
    Messages:
    9,976
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina

    Well, I don't have sexsomnia. I have read a lot on it. I think that it is interesting. I don't want to start any threads on the subject. I think there have been threads done on this topic before.
     
  19. bluemountain

    bluemountain Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2006
    Messages:
    270
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Virginia (US)
    Sounds like she is unable to accept resonsibility; she blames everyone else for her misfortue in loosing her wallet.

    She is unwilling to take her medication; sign of denial. While she may admit to problems, in reality she is denying that she has problems by refusing to take her medication.

    My one question to you-Do you want to spend the rest of your life in this situation? Can you endure these burst of anger, anxiety, distrust, etc for the next 10, 20 or 50 years? Take a good look at your future and determine now what you want. If this life style is not part of your plan, then move on.

    I am having a difficult time understanding why she get angry over you rubbing your penis in your sleep. There is some very deep rooted problems here and it could take extensive counseling to get these issues resovled-if at all.

    Good luck; keep us posted
     
  20. invisibleman

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2005
    Messages:
    9,976
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina

    Yeah, I agree.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted