Please HELP update

[B_werfghj]

First off, I want to say a BIG thank you to everyone on the board, you know who you are, you have helped me really put this into perspective, ( wife seeing another man ) and have really been my only means for support.
so here is the latest.

this morning My wife and I were having a conversation about where we stand right now in our marriage.

she is "working on" getting the feelings back that she -once- had for me,
I cant really blame her, i was a drunk prick for a lot of years.

anywho... she told me today that she was "in love" with the man she had been seeing on the side. she met with him 4 times, and talked to him a lot on the phone... for my money that isn't enough to fall in "love" with someone..
has anyone here had a affair that they got envolved with someone, and devolped feelings for that person, then went back to thier spouse/bf/gf, and if so, how long did it take for YOU to get back in the "groove" with them?

thanks again for your help.
werfghj

 

[blackwood]

Originally posted by werfghj@May 6 2005, 02:10 AM
First off, I want to say a BIG thank you to everyone on the board, you know who you are, you have helped me really put this into perspective, ( wife seeing another man ) and have really been my only means for support.
so here is the latest.

this morning My wife and I were having a conversation about where we stand right now in our marriage.

she is "working on" getting the feelings back that she -once- had for me,
I cant really blame her, i was a drunk prick for a lot of years.

anywho... she told me today that she was "in love" with the man she had been seeing on the side. she met with him 4 times, and talked to him a lot on the phone... for my money that isn't enough to fall in "love" with someone..
has anyone here had a affair that they got envolved with someone, and devolped feelings for that person, then went back to thier spouse/bf/gf, and if so, how long did it take for YOU to get back in the "groove" with them?

thanks again for your help.
werfghj

[post=308426]Quoted post[/post]​

werfghj,,

You state that you were a "drunk prick" for at least a part of your marriage. Maybe YOU need to take a step back, and review YOUR actions for HER reasons.

Can a person fall in love, with limited contact to the new "other"? Real sensitive area as to the whole "thing" of "love at first sight".

The above is observation only, I have NO personal experience in "losing" the real thing, but sure as hell was passed uo by many, before marriage.

I say good luck to ya.


blackwood

 

[Lex]

There really arean't any rules or time frames that you can use here Dan.

You DO have to sit back a accpet what your wife tells you, just as she has to do the same. I think chemistry between two people determines how quickly they fall for each other.

As I have said before--it's going to be a LONG time before everything is back to normal. Youboth have to be patient and willing to work to get there.

But as my greatgranmiother used to say "The long way home is the best way."

Good luck.

 

[Supportive Female]

Psychologically, if she has only met with him 4 times, she might still be in the "infatuation" stage. She hasn't seen his dirty underwear, lousy table manners (assuming he even sits at a table), and heard him retell the same jokes and stories over and over and over...

It sounds like she has yet to spend enough time with the "real" guy. Comedian Chris Rock said (I'm paraphrasing) that when you first meet someone, you're actually meeting their "representative." The better-behaved version, if you will.

My personal opinion: she shouldn't make a life-altering decision based on what might be a "fantasy situation."

Only in the bright daylight, with clear judgement and thorough knowledge of the other guy, should she even contemplate leaving a marriage for someone else.

Openly acknowledging your own past behaviors that were less than stellar should demonstrate to her your sincerity.

(Just my two cents...)

 

[D_Barbi_Queue]

Dan, unfortunately I have cheated on someone. It was my fiance when I was 19 (a guy that I had been dating since I was 16). I was never proud of it and our relationship ended, even though he wanted to make it work. I just wasn't in love with him anymore.

The guy I cheated with is now my husband though. It was about a year after I broke up with my fiance that my husband and I started to see that we were getting serious though. We've been married almost 8 1/2 yrs now and I'd never consider cheating on him. Sure it would be nice to experience that high of a new relationship again, but it's not worth my wonderful marriage.

My situation may be different though than yours. For one, I was really young when I got involved with my then-fiance (Chris). And on top of that, I started dating him right after I broke up with my "first love", so it was a rebound relationship for me.

I had never really been out there in the "dating world", so when my now-hubby came along...it was something new to me and I jumped at it anyway, despite being engaged.

Also, I fell out of love with Chris partly b/c of his parents. Chris and I were constantly under strict watch from them and we couldn't even be in his house alone together. Eventually I felt more like his sister than his girlfriend. That was the beginning of the demise of our relationship. The other was hanging out a lot with my free spirited college roommate and seeing what I was missing.

 

[db03]

Glad to hear you are working things out.

 

[B_werfghj]

so here we are, we are getting along great, ( the wifey and I )better then we have in years in fact,
but she still is harboring feelings for this guy...
what am I to do? its really fucking with me mentally...
Dan

 

[Lex]

Dan--
Don't think of her past/present realtionships as chalk on a chalboard, just waiting to be erased and washed away by you and your lasting memory. It's not like that at all and thinking that you can somehow erase another's presence isn't healthy. And it isn't possible.

His prescence in BOTH your lives can and SHOULD teach you something. Something about your relationship and something about each of you as individuals. Have the mental and emotional fortitude to accept that this guy offered your wife something she was not finding in you or herself (at the time). As threatening as that may sound, it's true.

My wife once had another man in her ear at a time when I *thought* I was doing all the right things--working hard to earn good money, paying bills, buying things--and I found that even thought those things are important, there are other equally important things that my wife needs from her hubby.

Does she still love this guy? I dunno and I really don't care--the part of her that she choose to give to him never belonged to me anyway. It was hers to give--those portions. What you must always remember is that as long as you choose to give the majority of yourself to your spouse/significant other---without fear or reservation--all will be okay.

You never truly have all of a person-you have all they can/choose to give you that hasn't been given already to someone/something else (a relative, career, etc). Old relationships are like old china--you never pull them down, and you don't throw them away. You keep them, forever in a showcase, and every now and then you look back fondly on them, remembering how special it once was to eat off of and how much more special what you have now to feast on truly is.

I hope that makes sense. Sorry for the long post.

 

[madame_zora]

Wow, Lex, that was another amazing post, you're really good at this! Ever considered couselling couples?

Dan, we all share different thing about ourselves with different people, this doesn't necesarily threaten your relationship with your wife, but I do hope she stops seeing him. If she's willing to work out your relationship, she needs to be free of other romantic interests to give yours the full attention it needs right now. She will need friends and support, as will you, but outside love interests really can only confuse and exacerbate the situation.

Again, I applaud the self-direction you have chosen to improve your situation. You can't change who you were, but you can improve who you are, as we all can. This is the beauty of having issues to address, we CAN emerge more fully developed human beings if we allow it. Keep up the updates, and know we all wish you the best.

 

[B_werfghj]

THank you ZORA, you are awesome, LEX, wow, im just blown away, I dont really have a large support group IRL, So I come here, but I will tell ya, you are all some of the finest people I have never met.
I let my wife read my posts, we have no hiding in our marriage now, and she loves the adive that is given in these forums.
This whole situation has really made me look at myself as a person, not at her, or her "lover" but really, just look into myself, and see who I am, and what I have been doing, and the mistakes I have made in the past, not just with her but with many people in general are inexcusable. I have been trying to make ammends with some of the people I have wronged and I have found it to be very theraputic. (sp?) as of right now, we have our first meeting with our counselor on Monday. I am very excited, but at the same time I am also very scared. I am being honest.
I dont know what is going to come out, and how WE are going to feel about all this when the dust settles, It does make me feel good to know that no matter what my wife and I will always have a connection. ( our Daughter ) and I let my wife know that no matter what, she can always come to me to talk, and that I will always be accessable to her.
THat is the lest I am hoping for, and if thats the way it is, so be it, I would still consider myself to be a very lucky man to just be able to communicate with her as a friend, but I would consider myself to be the luckyest man in the world if after all is said and done, I can still call her my wife.
it has been a long week, and I feel as though we are both exhausted, I am putting my house up for sale this week, and we are moving to one of my familys properties, not only will we be living for free, but we can save up a TON of money, wich will also be very cool.
I am looking at this as a frewsh start to our lives, as a NEW relationship, I forgot what a wonderful, spectactular person she is.
And she has yet to meet the man I am to become.
keep in mind we are still both rather young.
she is 25 and I am 28, I am not making excuses, but I never had any sort of male rolemodel growning up, and I never really knew had to be a man, much less a husband... but I am a great god damn father

I am walking into this with a open mind and a open heart.
and thats how its going to stay.
Thank you all once again.
Dan

 

[Lex]

Dan--best of luck to you and your family.

Zora--I would never try to counsel anyone in real life. I am simply a flawed man who has tried to learn from his mistakes. No more, no less. The thought is very flattereing.



On his last CD, John Mayer has a song called "Split-Screen Sadness"--towards the end he sings some lyrics that have really become one of my favorites:

And I don't know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wondering when the call comes
Where you say it's alright
You got your heart right

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight

All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness
----