I would have dated more white men, but at some point learned a preference for keeping those relationships casual. I had a white boyfriend for several years until a few years ago. That relationship started about the same time I decided not to accept a marriage proposal from a different white man. I have never thought about it before, but other than my high school sweetheart, whom I never took seriously (I mean, it was high school) I never exclusively dated any men I'd consider white. Technically, I married a man who identifies as a white Hispanic, but I am shocked every time he writes it down in a form. To me, Puerto Ricans are people of color. Even though his mother is racist and hates black people, except her one black friend so she can say she has one. Thinking about it though, only two men I considered white were ever loved in that way, and given consideration for marriage and childrearing. What I learned was that it could take long years to determine that there were quietly held beliefs and traditions that I see as disqualifications for being appropriate to raise a non-white family. I don't want to waste years, so I haven't given that kind of consideration to any other white men. The white men I dated we're good men. But if we'd gotten pregnant, they'd have proven to be inappropriate choices to father people bronzed by my genetic contribution. That is not why I turned down marriage to the first one, but it is why I left the latter.
The relationship taught me some red flags that could save me time in the future. Lots of white people find new ways to suggest that I'm not too black, or don't seem black, and therefore am acceptable to be in white company. Black people do this with me too, but that's for another discussion.
"You don't sound black."
"You don't dress black."
"You're like, for sure, basically white."
Really? I ask because, no one in my family has identified as white in well over a century, not even the ones who didn't look like they could possibly be black. I grew up steeping in Afro-caribbean culture. I grew up with the oral history of my family going all the way back to slave days. My facial features are undeniably African. I can only be me. So, I look, behave, and sound like a black woman of my age and experiences. I have no knowledge of how, nor the desire to do otherwise.
I can't be family with a man who thinks clear diction and certain fashions belong to white people. I can't be in love with a man who isn't even as sharp as I am, who absolutely has never been my intellectual equal but who believes intelligence like mine is hard to find among people of color, especially black people. No, intelligence quite like mine is uncommon, period. (Not rare, just uncommon.) I'm not going to put up with a man who uses othering language right off the bat. "Do you like white guys?" Fuck right off. Maybe I do, but I do not like you. This usually comes out of my mouth as a more diplomatic, "No. I like men. Period."
I don't want to see years wasted on some dude again. So, I'm still willing to date white men, but I doubt I will. I have too many reservations, and there are too many things that only time can prove. I'm likely to keep it casual. While I do like pretty, translucent skin, or sun-kissed bronze skin, or ruddy, peach skin, I'm far more attracted to very dark skin, anyway. It's just so sexy to me.
