Pre-relationship Question

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deleted464787

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Hi all, got a question for you guys. Figured it could never hurt to get some women's perspective on this.

So lately, Ive been seeing this new girl. Were not THAT serious yet. We've had sex a few times, and we've actually gone out and dated a few times... social distancing has really put a huge damper on that, and theres no doubt in my mind that had it not been for COVID-19, we wouldve gone on a lot more dates, and gotten involved a lot more, at least sexually. She still lives with her parents, and is borrowing their car and I live on my own, so the few times we're able to actually meet up (whether it be to fool around, or just because we cant bare the loneliness and absolute MUST see each other) I drive over, and she sneaks out and we just hang out somewhere private. But thats not really the point of this question.

Lately in my discussions from her, Ive been getting a lot of these red flags. Shes starting to use the words "I like" or "I want" an awful lot. Like... A LOT a lot... lol. Now, first of all, Im a huge advocate for people telling their partners what they like. As long as the lines of communication are open, that sounds like a recipe for a healthy relationship. But with her, she never really seems to ask what I want, or like. Her focus has been very big on her. And I dont even know if shes that conscious of it. Normally, when Im dating a girl, I try to be a huge people pleaser, so Im happy to give someone want they want relationship-wise, as long as its not something that would be to my detriment--theres a famous saying "Its not useful to help someone else if its only going to sink you in the process."

Most requests I can handle, if theyre within reason. We dont get to see much of each other as it is, so I typically try to call her first thing when I wake up, and then again as soon as I get off work, and on my way home from work. Its not the same as seeing someone in person, but its the least I can do. One of the things she has asked for recently is for me to start calling her so I can have full conversations with her at work. Without going into detail about what Im doing... I typically work 9-10 hour days. I have no designated lunch breaks--I can take time away for lunch at my own peril, but every minute Im not actively working, the work piles up, and those 9-10 hour days can EASILY become 11-12 hour days... and Im salaried so I get paid the same whether the work gets done in 8 hours or 12. Heres the kicker though. I supervise people--for safety and quality. Im the one doing the planning for all the work, and Im the one making sure conditions are safe to do it. So if I take any kind of break, Im still on site actually doing my job. If someone gets hurt, or god forbid--dies--while Im on site, the first questions theyll be asking is "where was the supervisor when this happened." If the answer is "I was distracted because I was having a 20 minute long conversation with this girl Im seeing..." I'll quickly be out of a job, at best. And in these difficult times, with whats going on in the world today, Im thanking my lucky stars that Im an "essential worker" and that Im even lucky enough to still have a job.

Ive explained all this to her, and she says she understands, even though shes still visibly irked by it. And this is just an example of the type of things she asks for.

The crux of this question is... Im experienced enough in relationships to know where this is going. Ive been in this situation many times before, and Im always the first one to give in just because I absolutely hate making the person Im seeing unhappy.

Do you think most women would be offended if a man were to word it "I think Ive been undervaluing myself, and overvaluing you lately."? Because that is totally how Ive felt about relationships like this in the past, and its definitely what Im feeling now. It has nothing to do with what shes doing... and it has everything to do with what Im doing.

How do you tell a girl "I need to take a step back and give myself some attention before I can afford to give more to you?" And bare in mind, shes not a bad person by any stretch. The problem is more with my handling things than with her. I just want to be able to tell her that without making her think Im saying "I matter more than you."
 
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Holly Doors

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Well to start with hunni I don't know how seriously or not ya'll taking this coronavirus stuff where you are but here in the UK the lockdown means not leaving home for anything other than essential needs like medicine and groceries and only when these can't be ordered and delivered, working for essential key workers as long as authorised and keeping personal space distancing to a minimum of two meters.
Any social interaction between people who don't live in the same household is strictly forbidden, that includes family members, besties and anyone you maybe romantically involved with. Sneaking out for secret meetings seems like you're putting people around you at risk myself hunni.
As far as the phone calls are concerned, sure call her, Skype or whatever but not during work time if you don't have a designated break (is that legal over there not having a break?) It sounds like her requests are pretty unrealistic to myself hunni, if she can't wait for you to finish work it says a lot about her attitude! X
 

ArtAppreciation

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How do you tell a girl "I need to take a step back and give myself some attention before I can afford to give more to you?"

You could easily do the above without having to say a word to her. You’re right-you have to take care of yourself first, and it isn’t selfish. I don’t see a reason to say anything to her about taking a step back and giving yourself some love.
 

MickeyLee

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Y'all tWo are a bad match boundaries wise. She doesn't respect them. You don't have/defend them.

You comment of valuing others more. That's not 100% true. You value avoiding conflict or possible rejection. You value comfort. That's on you.

I am guessing your lady friend is young? She might not have the maturity to balance what she considers normal relationship needs with the current reality of global high tension. Just because she wants doesn't mean she's entitled to get.

The "I want" her communication style might be offering up her needs as an example expecting you to present yours. Next time she says "I want" counter with your ability/willingness to comply and offer a want you have. Both of you will be on a more even playing field.

The work phone calls. Put ya foot and ya phone down. Your livelihood and the lives/safety of others are on the line. And where your attention is focused during work hours is entirely up to you.

Don't blame her for wanting the calls. Which I personally think are ridiculous. Tell her the truth, ya responsibilities do not allow you the time. If she tries to guilt you or force the issue, watch out. Ya gonna learn a lot about how she is.
 
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deleted924715

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Do you think most women would be offended if a man were to word it "I think Ive been undervaluing myself, and overvaluing you lately."?

If you worded it like that, probably. Personally I wouldn't say that unless we were parting ways on less than stellar terms. Admitting undervaluing yourself indicates a certain level of introspection/awareness and vulnerability that isn't off-putting. I don't think there is any "right" way to take being told that someone overvalues you though.

I think you're being perfectly reasonable not accommodating the work day phone calls. That's real life.

I'd be tempted to flat out call out the "I want" comments with "do you realise you keep telling me what you want but never ask what I want?" But that's me - selfishness/entitlement rubs me up the wrong way.
 
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286798

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Y'all tWo are a bad match boundaries wise. She doesn't respect them. You don't have/defend them.
This. And I'm not being ugly in saying this because I have struggled with this in the past so I recognized it in your post. In fact, I just ended a "prerelationship" for similar reasons... he was getting more out of it than I was and I'm straight up looking for my match. If you're not willing to give, neither am I... I'm out.

If you decide to give it a go with her, I'd suggest looking at if her using "I want" is really a negative. If it's a "I want you to provide (insert tangible item without any investment in the relationship from her)", that's not good. If it's "I want Thai tonight", and you follow with "I had Thai for lunch" or "I was really digging a burger", and she insists she wants Thai... that's not good. If it's "I want" and it's followed by a goal or aspiration, that IS good. If it's "I want Thai" as above, and the two of you can negotiate a mutually agreeable 2nd choice or agreement that you get to choose next time, that is good. If all you hear is the "I want" of those two good examples, then you want out of the relationship anyway. If you need someone to tell you it's ok to want more than she's offering... I'm your huckleberry. IT'S OK TO WANT MORE.
 

Silmende

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I recognize the issue. If a relationship is unbalanced where one is getting his (or her) way and the other is always giving in, it's very unhealthy for the one not getting anything.
I'm also bad at defending my boundaries and I like to avoid arguments. My other half and I got stuck into a pattern where he dropped responsibility X because [insert good reason] but without him giving me anything else in return.
It ended in making me feel really worthless, as if I don't matter at all. Plus, due to all needing to be done by me, I never had time for myself, making me also feel very isolated and lonely.
Two years ago approx. I started working on myself and I've come a long way, and in the beginning of this year, he finally realized things had to change. I'm not saying we're there yet and we may after all still part ways, but, I know I tried.
It's hard work breaking patterns like that, and you'll meet a lot of resistance doing it. So, you better not get caught up in it in the first place. Good luck to you. :)
 
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neutrno

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If it's in her nature to take advantage of people, the only solution is to look for someone else.